ENGLISH JOKES

[sajjad1973]

D3. A good impression


gerund clauses



Having just moved into his new office, a newly elected politician was sitting at his desk when someone knocked on the door. Wanting to let everyone know how important he was, the politician quickly picked up the phone, told the man to enter, then spoke into the receiver
‘Yes, Prime Minister, I'll be seeing the President this afternoon and I'll pass on your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes. I'm looking forward to that game of golf with you next Sunday.’
Having decided that he’d impressed the visitor with his friends in high places, the politician asked his visitor, ‘So how can I help you?’
‘Oh, it’s nothing important, sir,’ the man replied, ‘I'm just here to connect your telephone.’


Grammar: gerund clauses from joining ideas

You can join two related sentences together with a gerund clause.
There is usually a logical connection between the sentences, either to show that one thing happened as a result of another, or to show that one thing happened after another.

I had bought the car in the morning. I wanted to show it to my friends.
Having bought the car in the morning, I wanted to show it to my friends.

Michelle felt a little cold. She turned on the heating.
Feeling a little cold, Michelle turned on the heating.

The dog ate all the food. Then it went to sleep.
Having eaten all the food, the dog went back to sleep.

[sajjad1973]

D4. A kind gesture


as if / as though


Helen and Paul were eating out at an expensive restaurant one evening. On the table opposite them sat an old lady who was eating alone. Paul noticed that the lady was looking over at him and smiling sadly.
'Do you know her?' he asked his wife.
'No, I don't recognise her, but she looks as if she knows you.'
Paul and Helen carried on eating their meal, but the next time Paul looked in that direction, the woman was still looking at him. She looked lonely. After a while he decided to go over and say hello to her because she looked as though she wanted someone to talk to.
'Hi, there!' he said, 'Are you enjoying your meal?'
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'And please excuse me for staring at you but you look exactly like my son. He has gone to live in Australia. That's why I was feeling a bit sad. I always used to eat in here with him.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.' replied Paul. ' It sounds as if you miss him a lot.'
'Oh, I do!' answered the old lady. ' Can I ask you a favour? When I'm leaving the restaurant could you call out 'Goodbye, mum!' to me? It would make me so happy!'
'Yes, of course!' agreed Paul. ' No trouble at all!'
So he went back to his own table and continued his meal. A few minutes later, as the old lady was leaving the restaurant, he called out 'Goodbye, mum!' and she waved happily back at him.
When Paul called for his bill, he noticed that the bill was double what it was normally and it included a lot of food an expensive bottle of wine which they hadn't ordered. He called the waiter over to the table to sort out the problem.
'Excuse me, but there seems to be some mistake with the bill. It looks as if you've given us the wrong one.'
'No, sir.' replied the waiter, 'No mistake. Your mother said you'd pay for her.'

Grammar: as if / as though + verb clause

To describe how somebody or something appears to be, you can use these forms:

You look as if you've had a hard day.
You look as though you've been in the rain.


Compare the form with look + adjective.
You look hungry.
You look as though you need something to eat.

[sajjad1973]

D5. Sleeping car


should have


Douglas Brown was a businessman who lived in London but had a lot of work in Perth in Scotland. He often travelled by train on 'The Night Caledonian', an overnight train from London to Scotland. He preferred the train to the plane because he arrived feeling fresh for important business meetings when he arrived in Perth. The only problem was, he was a heavy sleeper, so he needed to set his alarm clock to wake up for the right stop. One day, after the train had set off from London, he realised he'd forgotten to pack his alarm clock. Before he went to sleep, he spoke to one of the attendants.
'I should have brought my alarm clock with me, but I forgot it. I have to wake up in time to get off the train at Perth at seven o'clock. I absolutely mustn't miss my stop by oversleeping, so could you please make sure I get off the train there, however sleepy I am.'
The attendant wrote down Douglas' name in a little book and made a firm promise to wake him up at the right time in the morning. Douglas went to sleep in his compartment almost immediately.
When he woke up in the morning, he found that it was ten to nine and the train was pulling into the final station in Inverness, 120 miles further north than Perth.
He was furious and went up to the attendant and said, 'Look what's happened, you fool! You should have woken me up at half past six and you didn't. You complete idiot! Now I've missed my business meeting!'
After he had left, one of the other passengers commented to the attendant, 'He wasn't very polite, was he? He shouldn't have called you an idiot like that.'
'Oh that's nothing!' said the attendant, 'You should have heard what Dougal Black said when I pushed him onto the platform at Perth at seven o'clock this morning.'

Grammar: should have + past participle

When you want to criticize mistakes in the past, you can use should + have + past participle.

I shouldn't have eaten so many cherries. I feel terrible.
We should have left the classroom tidier, but we didn't have time. The teacher was very angry with us.
You shouldn't have told her she was fat. You've really upset her.

[sajjad1973]

D6.The Elixir of Life


modal verbs of deduction in the present


In a village in the mountains, a little old man with a beard and a young girl set up a stall in the market place one day, selling bottles of homemade medicine, labelled ‘The Elixir of Life’.
‘Come on, everyone!’ the old man called out. ‘Don’t miss your chance to beat ageing. This is your opportunity to buy Archie’s miracle medicine. It’s the only medicine that cures old age. You only have to look at me to see the proof. I’m two hundred and five years old.’
A crowd quickly gathered around the market stall, and the old man and the girl were kept busy handing out the bottle of medicine and taking the money.
There were two younger men in the crowd, and one of them said to the other, ‘You don’t really think he’s genuine, do you?’
‘I don’t know. He might be telling the truth. He’s got an honest face.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding! said the man. ‘He must be lying. It has to be a trick.’
‘Well, why not ask his assistant, then, if you don’t believe it?’ suggested his friend. So the man approached the girl and asked. ‘He can’t really be that old, can he? That’s completely ridiculous. Tell me the truth, is he really two hundred and five years old?’
‘I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t really say.’ the girl replied, ‘I’ve only been working for him for the past seventy five years.’

Grammar: modal verbs of deduction

When you make logical deductions and draw conclusions from evidence you can use these forms. The choice of verb communicates how certain or uncertain you are about your guesses.

I’m sure it’s true.	I’m not sure.	I’m sure it’s impossible.
It must be true.	It might be true.	It can’t be true.
It has to be true.	It may be true.
It’s got to be true.	It could be true.

Note that the opposite of It must be… is It can’t be…, [not It mustn’t be…]

[sajjad1973]

D7. Recipe for Disaster






ability / inability



Dave and Ian were both post-graduate research students at Cambridge University. One evening, they were chatting and the conversation turned to cookery.
‘I tried my hand at cookery once, you know.’ Dave told Ian, ‘but I never managed to work it out.
‘I find that very hard to believe, Dave.’ said Ian. ‘You’ve got a first class degree in Physics and you’re completing your doctorate. You are capable of understanding highly complex technical manuals and formulating new ideas from your research. You must be able to follow a recipe.’
‘I tried,’ admitted Dave, ‘but I couldn’t manage it.’
‘Why?’ insisted Ian. ‘Because the recipe book was full of complicated instructions too difficult for you to follow?’
‘Well, you see,’ explained Dave, ‘the problem lay in the fact that all the recipes began in the same way. They all started with Take a clean dish.’

Grammar: ability and inability

There are a variety of ways to express the ideas of ability and inability in English.

could + infinitive without to
I couldn’t understand what the lecturer was talking about.
be able to + infinitive
I’d love to be able to cook well.
manage to + infinitive
It was a difficult book but I eventually managed to understand the theory.
to be capable of + gerund
I don’t think I’m capable of understanding this technical manual.


Note that the modal verb could can not be used in infinitive, gerund or future forms. To express these ideas, use be able to or manage to instead.

[sajjad1973]

D8. Working late



indirect polite requests


Philip was a junior office assistant in a large company. He was quite ambitious, so he was keen to make a good impression on the boss. He often stayed late at the office, to show how committed and hardworking he was. One evening, he was just about to go home when he saw his boss standing in front of the shredder, holding a document.
‘Ah, Philip! I’m so glad you’re still here in the office!’ said the boss, ‘Good to see all your hard work and professionalism. Now I wonder if you could help me.’
‘Of course, ’ replied Philip. ‘Anything at all. It’s no trouble.’
‘Good man! You see, the thing is, my secretary has already gone home and I haven’t got a clue how this thing works. It’s really important that I get this done before tomorrow. If you could do this one more thing, before you go home I’d really appreciate it.’
‘No problem,’ said Phil, happy to be asked to do such a simple job.
He took the document from his boss, turned on the machine, inserted the document and pressed the start button.
‘That’s excellent,’ said the boss, as the document vanished into the shredder. ‘I just need two copies.’

Grammar: indirect polite requests

There are many ways to ask for help politely. Using an indirect form often sounds more formal and polite than a direct question.
Could you help me?
I wonder if you could help me?
Can you carry these bags for me?
If you could carry these bags for me I’d really appreciate it.
Pass me those papers.
Do you think you could pass me those papers, please?

[sajjad1973]

D9. Noisy neighbours



Text organizers: but for... etc.


Adam was a student in a large university in London. He was living in a college hall of residence during his first year. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit.
‘How have you been enjoying university life, then, Adam?’
‘It’s great, mom. Well, it’s great, except for my neighbours. But for them, it would be perfect.’
‘So what’s wrong with them?’ his mother asked.
‘They're such noisy people!’, Adam replied. ‘You see, the student who lives on the right hand side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. And the one on the left hand side screams and screams all through the night!’
His mother sympathized with him, ‘Oh, dear! You poor thing! How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?’
‘Well, there’s not much I can do apart from trying to ignore them,’ he answered. ‘I just stay here quietly in my room playing my trumpet!’


Grammar: text organisers except, except for, apart from, but for

You can talk about exceptions in several ways.

I'm the only one in my family with brown hair.
Everyone in my family has brown hair apart from me.
Except for me, everyone in my family has brown hair.
Everyone in my family except me has brown hair.
But for our hair colour, my sister and I would look almost identical.


These expressions are sometimes followed by a gerund form:

The holiday was completely free, apart from spending a little on food.
My old printer is fine except for making a slight noise when I turn it on.

[sajjad1973]

D10. Electrician at work



Inversions


Once an electrician called Mike Jenkins was called to do some rewiring for an old lady called Mrs Butler. He went into the house and Mrs Butler showed him into the sitting room where he was going to be working. Hardly had he set foot in the room, than he heard first a loud squawk and then a low growl behind him. He turned round to find a parrot in a cage and an Alsatian dog. Never before had he seen such an enormous and ferocious-looking dog.

‘I’m afraid I have to go out for a couple of hours, Mr Jenkins, so I’ll just leave you here to get on with it, if that’s all right with you’, said Mrs Butler. Mike was not a great animal-lover, and the idea of working in the same room as the dog was worrying him, so he turned to Mrs Johnston and asked her,
‘Is your dog going to be OK with a stranger in the house? I must admit, I’m a little bit nervous about dogs that size.’
‘Oh, no!’, she reassured him. ‘Brutus won’t make a nuisance of himself, Mr Jenkins. He just does exactly what he’s told, so you don’t need to worry about him. But please be careful of the parrot. Under no circumstances should you say anything to the parrot.’

So Mike started work on the rewiring. No sooner had he begun, than the parrot started making rude remarks about his work.
‘That’s rubbish!’ said the parrot. ‘You’ve done it all wrong!’
Mike ignored the parrot and carried on working.
‘You’re making a terrible mistake!’, said the parrot, ‘You’re rubbish!’
Mike kept on working, whistling a tune to try to cover up the noise of the irritating parrot.
‘Not only are you a rubbish electrician, but you can’t even whistle!’, said the parrot.
By this stage, Mike had had enough of these insults so he turned to the parrot and said,
‘Just shut up while I’m working, will you?’
The parrot opened its beak and said to the dog, ‘Get him, Brutus!’

Grammar: Inversions

In written English you can place some adverbs and adverbial expressions at the beginning of the sentence for greater emphasis and a more dramatic effect.
Here are some of the adverbs which can be used in this way: seldom, rarely, hardly ever, never, no sooner, not only, never.

The typical word order for this structure is adverb + auxiliary + subject pronoun + verb. This dramatic inversion is not frequently used in spoken English.

Compare the word order of these sentences.

I’ve seldom seen such a beautiful landscape.
Seldom have I seen such a beautiful landscape.


The settings on this computer must not be changed under any circumstances.
Under no circumstances should the settings on this computer be changed.

[east&west]

D10. Electrician at work



Inversions


Once an electrician called Mike Jenkins was called to do some rewiring for an old lady called Mrs Butler. He went into the house and Mrs Butler showed him into the sitting room where he was going to be working. Hardly had he set foot in the room, than he heard first a loud squawk and then a low growl behind him. He turned round to find a parrot in a cage and an Alsatian dog. Never before had he seen such an enormous and ferocious-looking dog.

‘I’m afraid I have to go out for a couple of hours, Mr Jenkins, so I’ll just leave you here to get on with it, if that’s all right with you’, said Mrs Butler. Mike was not a great animal-lover, and the idea of working in the same room as the dog was worrying him, so he turned to Mrs Johnston and asked her,
‘Is your dog going to be OK with a stranger in the house? I must admit, I’m a little bit nervous about dogs that size.’
‘Oh, no!’, she reassured him. ‘Brutus won’t make a nuisance of himself, Mr Jenkins. He just does exactly what he’s told, so you don’t need to worry about him. But please be careful of the parrot. Under no circumstances should you say anything to the parrot.’

So Mike started work on the rewiring. No sooner had he begun, than the parrot started making rude remarks about his work.
‘That’s rubbish!’ said the parrot. ‘You’ve done it all wrong!’
Mike ignored the parrot and carried on working.
‘You’re making a terrible mistake!’, said the parrot, ‘You’re rubbish!’
Mike kept on working, whistling a tune to try to cover up the noise of the irritating parrot.
‘Not only are you a rubbish electrician, but you can’t even whistle!’, said the parrot.
By this stage, Mike had had enough of these insults so he turned to the parrot and said,
‘Just shut up while I’m working, will you?’
The parrot opened its beak and said to the dog, ‘Get him, Brutus!’

Grammar: Inversions

In written English you can place some adverbs and adverbial expressions at the beginning of the sentence for greater emphasis and a more dramatic effect.
Here are some of the adverbs which can be used in this way: seldom, rarely, hardly ever, never, no sooner, not only, never.

The typical word order for this structure is adverb + auxiliary + subject pronoun + verb. This dramatic inversion is not frequently used in spoken English.

Compare the word order of these sentences.

I’ve seldom seen such a beautiful landscape.
Seldom have I seen such a beautiful landscape.


The settings on this computer must not be changed under any circumstances.
Under no circumstances should the settings on this computer be changed.

English Jokes !! ...yeah itz english , but it's no joke

[sajjad1973]

English Jokes !! ...yeah itz english , but it's no joke

It's sir

But it seems it doesn't make you to laugh


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