ENGLISH JOKES

[sajjad1973]

C8. The penguin


Comparatives: not as... as...


One day at a roadside garage, a petrol pump attendant was filling a customer’s car, when he noticed that a small penguin was sitting in the back seat. The petrol pump attendant asked the customer why he had a penguin in his car. The customer explained that he had found the penguin a few weeks before, wandering around in the street, looking miserable. He told the attendant that he had been trying to think of what to do with the penguin.
The attendant thought for a moment and then told the man that there was a zoo nearby. He suggested that the customer take the penguin there. The man thanked the attendant, paid for his petrol and drove off in the direction of the zoo.
A few days later, the same man pulled up to the petrol station. The attendant was surprised to see that the penguin was still in the back of the man’s car.
‘But I thought you were taking him to the zoo,’ said the attendant.
‘I did, thanks!’, answered the man. ‘He loved it, so I'm taking him to the beach today.’


Grammar: reported speach and reported verbs

When you report what people have said, you can give their exact words or you can report what they said indirectly.

Direct speech: "Thank you!" said the customer.
Indirect speech: The customer thanked the assistant.

With indirect reported speech you need to change the tenses of the verbs.

Present simple changes to past simple

Direct speech: "I have a problem" said the customer to the assistant.
Indirect speech: The customer told the assistant that he had a problem.

Past simple changes to past perfect

Direct speech: "I took the penguin to the zoo yesterday."
Indirect speech: The customer said that he had taken the penguin to the zoo the day before.

[sajjad1973]

C9. Career choices


used to


There are lots of jokes in English about jobs that someone used to do. They are usually based on bad puns. Can you see the double meanings in these jokes?

I used to work in a bank, but I lost interest.
I used to work as an archaeologist, but my career was in ruins.
I used to be a hotel receptionist, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patience.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a history teacher, but there was no future in it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to work in a glue factory, but couldn't stick with it.
I used to work in a gym, but I wasn't fit for the job.
I used to work as electrician, but the pay was shocking.


Grammar: used to

To talk about actions that often happened in the past you can use this form: used / didn't use + infinitive.
I used to suck my thumb when I was a baby.


You can also use this form for activities that happened over a long period of time in the past
I used to live with my parents but now I have my own apartment.

[sajjad1973]

C10. A night at the movies


adjectives with -ed or -ing endings


A well dressed woman was queuing to buy a ticket for the cinema. When she got to the front of the queue the man behind in the box office was surprised to see that she had a small dog in her handbag.
‘I’m sorry, madam,’ he said, ‘ But I’m afraid pets are not permitted inside the cinema.’
‘Oh, but he’ll be very good,’ the woman promised. ‘He’s very well behaved. I promise he won’t make a sound.’
Since there weren’t many customer in the cinema that day, the man decided to let her take her dog in with her. So he sold her a ticket and she went into the auditorium and took a seat. The man, curious to see how the dog behaved, went into the auditorium a couple of times during the film. He was pleased to see that it was just as the woman had promised. The little dog was sitting quietly on her lap, without moving or making any noise at all.
At the end of the film, as she was leaving the cinema, the man said to her,
‘That’s amazing. You were quite right. Your dog was very well behaved in there. The dog just sat there as though he was actually interested in the film.’
‘Yes,’ replied the woman, ‘I thought that was surprising, too. He didn’t enjoy the book at all.’

Grammar: adjectives with –ed or –ing endings

There are lots of adjectives which end in –ed or –ing. Compare these pairs of sentences.

The film was very interesting.
I was very interested in the film.

It was surprising to see a dog in there.
I was surprised to see a dog in there.

My physics lessons was boring.
We were bored by our physics lessons.

Adjectives ending in –ing often describe a book, film, person etc. They tell you about what kind of book, film or person it is, and how it makes you feel.

This photograph is amazing.


Adjectives ending in –ed often describe the emotion you feel about a book, film or person.
I am amazed by this photograph.

[sajjad1973]

C11. Foreign languages


Expressions followed by the gerund


A Swiss tourist in London was having difficulty understanding the London underground map, so he stopped to ask two Londoners for directions.
‘Excuse me!’ said the Swiss man, ‘I speak no English. Parlez-vous francais?’
The Londoners shrugged their shoulders.
‘It’s no good speaking French to us!’ one of them said. ‘We can’t speak a word of it.’
The Swiss tourist tried again in another language.
‘Sprechen sie Deutsch?’ he asked.
Once again, he met with blank stares from the Londoners.
‘Sorry, mate. It’s a waste of time speaking German to us, either.’
The Swiss tourist tried again.
‘Parlate Italiano?’ he asked.
Again the Londoners met his questions with incomprehension, so the Swiss man had to give up trying. There was obviously no point trying any other languages with them.
As he was walking away, one of the Londoners turned to the other and said, ‘Three languages! That’s impressive. Maybe we should learn another language.’
‘No, there’d be no use learning another language.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well, it didn't do him much good, did it?’

Grammar: expressions followed by gerund

Some expressions in English are always followed by the gerund (-ing) form. Here are some of the most common phrases:
It’s a waste of time speaking to him.
There’s no use trying to find the book here.
I had difficulty finding my way to the building.
It’s no good speaking to her.
There’s no point learning how to ride a camel.
I gave up trying to cook years ago.
It’s not worth going to that museum.
It’s a waste of money paying for that meal

.

[sajjad1973]

C12.Confessions


second conditional


Four friends, Alex, Lucy, Sam and Jo were sitting in a coffee bar and chatting, when the subject of their own faults came up in conversation.
‘I must admit,’ said Alex, ‘I sometimes use the company’s phone for private calls and I often steal office stationery from work when the boss isn’t looking. If my boss found out, I’d get fired.’
‘Well, I guess my greatest fault,’ Lucy told the group, ‘is that I gamble too much. I play online poker and I buy lottery tickets. My parents are really strict, and if they heard about it, I’d be in real trouble.
‘I don’t gamble,’ Sam said, ‘but I’d say that my worst fault is my drinking habit. I drink far too much. If it ever got out, I’d lose my job.’
Joe had been silent during the conversation, so Sam turned and asked him, ‘Well, Joe, do you have any faults, then?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Joe, ‘and mine is worse than any of yours. My greatest fault is that I just can’t keep a secret.’

Grammar: second conditional

To talk about situations which are imaginary, you can use this form: if + past simple in the first clause, followed by would + verb in the second clause.

This structure is sometimes called the second conditional form.

If my parents found out about my gambling, they’d be furious.

If anyone heard about Sam’s drinking habits, he’d lose his job.


It’s also possible to change the order of the clauses, in this way:

I would buy a new car if I had the money.

This would be a good restaurant if the staff were more polite.


.

[sajjad1973]

C13.
A Word of advice


If I were you...


As she was driving down a remote country lane, Alice noticed that her car was behaving strangely. The engine made a terrible rattling noise and smoke was starting to come out from under the bonnet. Alice stopped the car to see if she could work out what the problem was. As she was lifting up the car bonnet, a deep voice from behind her said,
‘If I were you, I’d change the spark plugs.’
Alice looked around her, but couldn’t see anyone in sight. There was a large brown horse with a white star on its forehead. It was looking over the fence at her.
‘I’m imagining it,’ she thought to herself and took another look at the engine. But once again, as soon as she turned her back on the horse, the deep voice said,
‘It’s the spark plugs, I’m telling you.’
Again, she turned to find no one in sight apart from the brown horse. By this stage, Alice was feeling quite unnerved, so she got into the car again. She drove the car slowly to the next village where eventually she found a mechanic. Feeling slightly foolish, she explained about the problem with the car and told the mechanic what the horse had said about the spark plugs.
‘And you say there was nobody around except a horse, when you heard this?’ asked the mechanic.
‘Not a soul!’ replied Alice, ‘Just a big horse.’
‘Was it a brown horse with a white star in the middle of its forehead?’
‘Yes, that’s right. It was.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t take any notice of him, if I were you. That’s old Brownie. He doesn’t know anything about engines. He always says it's the spark plugs.’

Grammar: If I were you…

To give advice you can use the second conditional form: If I were you… + verb clause with would.

You look tired. If I were you, I’d go to bed early.
Our neighbours are trying to put in a new bathroom. If I were them, I’d get professional help.
I can’t think which course to choose. If you were me, what would you do?


Note that it is not usual to say If I was you… for this usage. It’s a semi-fixed expression which uses the subjunctive form of to be (were) for all persons.

[sajjad1973]

C14. An Inquiring Mind


zero conditional


One day, William was out fishing with his son Jack. After a while, Jack gazed up at the clouds and asked ,
‘Dad, can I ask you something? If you look at the air, it doesn’t have any colour. So why is the sky blue?’
William thought for a moment and then replied, ‘I don’t know, son.’
A few minutes later, Jack said to his father,
‘If I drop a stone into the water it sinks, but this boat doesn’t sink. Why can some things float but other things can’t, dad?’
‘I can’t remember, son. I think I learnt it at school, but I’ve forgotten.’ replied William.
They carried on fishing for a while, until Jack asked,
‘Dad, I’ve been thinking. If humans try to breathe underwater, we drown, but if you take a fish out of water, it dies. Why’s that?’
‘I haven’t got a clue, I’m afraid.’ replied his father.
Again there was a pause. Jack was worried he was starting to annoy his dad, so he said,
‘Dad, I hope you don’t mind me asking you all this stuff.’
‘Of course I don’t mind, son. It’s good that you’re asking these questions.’ replied William, smiling, ‘If children don’t ask questions, they never learn anything.’


Grammar: Zero conditional form

To talk about scientific facts and situations which always happen in the same way every time, you can use this form: If + present simple + present simple. This is sometimes called the zero conditional form.
If you take a fish out of water it dies.
If you put an ice cube in the sun it melts.
If you press this button a light comes on.

[sajjad1973]

C15. Planning ahead


in case / if



Jack and Simon were planning to go on a trip around Asia. Jack showed Simon the pile of equipment he was intending to take with him.
‘Why are you taking all this stuff with you?’ asked Simon. ‘You can’t possibly need all of these things. It’s far too much to carry.’
‘Well,’ Jack replied, ‘the bottle of water is in case we get thirsty.’
‘Yes, I can see we might need that,’ agreed Simon, ‘and all this food is in case you’re hungry, I guess.’
‘Yes, I always feel starving when I’m on the road. And I’m taking a book with me in case I get bored and I need something to read on long journeys,’ carried on Jack.
‘OK, Jack, well, I suppose that’s not a bad idea. But there’s still too much stuff here!’
‘And I’m taking my camera with me,’ continued Jack, ‘in case we see anything interesting and then I can take some good shots.’
‘Yes, yes, I can understand why you need all of those things, but why are you taking this car door?’
‘Well, that’s in case it’s hot – then I can roll the window down.’

Grammar: in case / if


To explain why you do something, to be safe or to be careful you can use in case.
I’ll take an umbrella in case it rains.
You should always check through your emails in case you’ve made a mistake.


In case is not used in the same way as if. Compare these two sentences:
1. I’ll buy a bottle of water in case I get thirsty.
2. I’ll buy a bottle of water if I get thirsty.


In the first sentence with in case, I will buy the bottle of water before I get thirsty, because I want to make sure that I have it if I need it. Even if I don’t get thirsty, I will have the water as a security measure.

In the second sentence with if, I will buy a bottle of water when I get thirsty. If I don’t need the water, I won’t buy it.

[sajjad1973]

D1. The cowboy's horse


Past perfect simple


A cowboy rode into a town. He fastened his big fine horse to a post outside a rough bar, kicked open the bar door, walked up to the bar and asked for a beer. When he had finished his drink, he went back outside, only to find that someone had stolen his horse.
The cowboy went back into the bar, got his gun out and fired three shots into the ceiling.
‘Which one of you dirty no-good dogs has stolen my horse?’, he shouted, and then he fired three more shots into the bottles behind the bar.
‘OK, then,’ he growled, looking very mean, ‘I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to order myself another beer. I’m going to drink my beer and then I’m going to go back outside. If my horse isn’t back where I left him, I’ll have to do what I did when the same thing happened in Texas.’
The other customers in the bar looked at each other and shivered – they were terrified. When the cowboy had finished his second beer, he went back outside. Sure enough, the thief had brought the horse back and tied it to the post, exactly where the cowboy had left it.
The cowboy got back on his horse. The barman went up to him and asked in a nervous voice,
‘Er, before you go, please tell us, what exactly happened in Texas?’
‘I had to walk home,’ said the cowboy.

Grammar: past perect simple

You can use the past perfect simple to talk about an action in the past that happened before another action in the past. (The second action is often in the past simple form.)

By the time I turned on the TV, the movie had just finished.
She let me keep the magazine because she'd already read it.
knew the story because I had seen the film before.

[sajjad1973]

D2. A Night caller


past perfect continuous



Sarah Robinson was well-known among her friends for being extremely well-mannered. When the telephone rang at half past three one morning, she spoke calmly into the receiver, even though she had been sleeping soundly. On the other end of the line was an angry male voice. He complained that her dog had been barking all night and that it had been keeping him and his wife awake. Sarah thanked the caller for telling her and politely asked him for his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely half past three, Sarah called her neighbour back.
‘Good morning, Mr Grant. I just called to let you know that I don't have a dog.’

Grammar: past perfect continuous

To talk about a process or activity which took place over a period of time, before another event, you can use the past perfect continuous form. The structure of this form is had + been + gerund.
GRAPHIC OF TIMELINE HERE