ENGLISH JOKES

[sajjad1973]

B14. The director and the old man

verb + infinitive


A Hollywood director was making a film in India. For the film, he needed to have clear blue skies, so the weather conditions were very important to him. One evening, after filming all day he saw a very old man, sitting with his legs crossed on the ground.
‘It’s going to rain for three days. On the fourth day, the sun will shine again,’ the ancient man said wisely.
The next day it rained heavily and there was no filming that day or for three days afterwards. On the morning of the fourth day, as the old man predicted, the sun was shining down and conditions were perfect for filming. That evening, when the director was walking past, the old man said,
‘There’s going to be a big storm tomorrow.’
Sure, enough, the next day there was a big storm, just as the man said.

After a week of making perfect predictions, the director decided to use the old man’s wisdom and pay him to work as a weather man for the film crew. The old man agreed to tell the director what the weather was likely to do. This worked very well for the next few weeks of filming. Every day the old man told the director what the weather would be the next day, and the director paid him well for the valuable information. One day, however, the old man failed to arrive on the set. The next day the director sent for him and said,
‘Your predictions are very important to me and to my work. I’m shooting a big scene tomorrow and I have to know what the weather is going to be like.’
The old man shrugged his shoulders.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can't help you today. My radio’s broken.’

Grammar: verb + infinitive

Some verbs are often followed by the infinitive form. Many of these verbs are in some way connected to the future. Here are some of the most commonly-used verbs which follow this pattern.

need	decide	plan	promise	fail
refuse	threaten	aim	hope	offer

I need to have good weather.

I plan to shootan important scene tomorrow.
The man promised to predict the weather.
The old man failed to arrive on the set.
The director offered to pay him.


The nouns based on these verbs are also often followed by the infinitive form.
We made an arrangement with the guide to showus around the city.
The director made an offer to pay him

.

[orochi]

A man was praying to god.


He said, "God?"

God responded, "Yes?"

And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"

"Go right ahead", God said.

"God, what is a million years to you?"

God said, "A million years to me is only a second."

The man wondered.

Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"

God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."

So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"

And God cheerfully said,

"Sure!...... .just wait a second."

____________________________

The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

_______________________________

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

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A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

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My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)

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The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.

[sajjad1973]

B15. The language teacher

Comparatives: not as... as...


Martin was an English teacher in a language school. After working at his current school for six months, he decided it was time to find a better job with a higher salary. In his final week at the school, he told Carla, one of his favourite one-to-one students.
‘I’m afraid that next term I won’t be teaching in this school any more, Carla. I’m moving to another city.’
‘I’m really sorry about that, Martin. I wish you weren’t going.’ Carla replied.
‘Well, thank you, Carla! It’s very kind of you to say so.’
‘The new teacher won’t be as good asyou are. I’m sure the lessons won’t be as good as yours.’ said the student.
‘That’s so nice of you!’ said Mark, flattered.
‘Yes,’ continued Carla, ‘I’ve been coming to this school for five years now and every new teacher has been worse than the one before.’


Grammar: not as + adjective + as ...

You can often make comparisons in more than one way.

A wood is smaller than a forest.
A wood isn't as large as a forest.

Pablo's pronunciation is better than Marco's.
Pablo's pronunciation isn't as bad as Marco's.

The weather is worse than it was last week.
The weather isn't as good as it was last week.

Do you think that monkeys are less intelligent than dolphins?
Do you think that monkey's aren't as intelligent as dolphins?

[sajjad1973]

C1. Track records

present perfect simple


There were four race horses in a stable one day. It was raining and they were bored so they started talking about their track records. One of them boasted,
‘I’ve been in eight races so far this year and I’ve won five of them’
‘That’s nothing!’ interrupted the second race horse, ‘I’ve runin twelve races since the beginning of this year and I’ve won seven of them.’
The third race horse broke in,
‘Well, I’ve taken partin 15 races this year and I’ve wonten of them.’
‘I’ve done better than any of you,’ claimed the fourth race horse. ‘So far this year I’vebeen in 18 races and I’veonly lostfour of them.’
At this point, they noticed that a small greyhound dog was sitting and listening to their conversation, wagging his tail.
‘I don’t want to brag,’ he said, ‘But I’ve been in forty five races this year up till now and I haven’tlost any of them!’
The horses were absolutely amazed.
‘That’s just incredible! I’venever heardanything like it!’said one of them, after an impressed silence, ‘A talking dog!’

Grammar: present perfect simple for achievements

You can use present perfect simpleto talk about your achievements in an unfinished time period. Compare this pair of sentences.
I took part in ten races last year. [Past simple]
I’ve taken part in ten races so far this year. [Present perfect simple]


In the first sentence (past simple), the year is over so no more races are possible this year. The time period is closed.
In the second sentence (present perfect simple), the year is not yet finished, so it’s possible for more races to be won. The time period is open.

We often use present perfect simple with these time expressions: so far, up till now, since
I’ve written twelve emails sinceI got to work this morning.
The computer has never broken down up till now.
I’ve read five books on the subjectso far, but I know I need to read more

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[sajjad1973]

C2. The forest fire

verb + object + infinitive

It was towards the end of a particularly hot, dry summer and a huge forest fire had broken out. The fire was getting out of control, even though the emergency services were doing their best to deal with the problem. A photo-journalist working with one of the larger national newspapers was keen to get some good shots of the fire for the next day’s edition. He persuaded the editor to charter a private plane to get him above the action.
‘I know it’s expensive,’ he told the editor, ‘But it will be worth it. It’ll really help me to get the best pictures!’
So he made a call to arrange for a small private plane and drove as fast as possible to the airport. He rushed out to the runway and spotted a small aircraft with a young pilot in it.
Wasting no time, he jumped into the seat next to the pilot, pulled the door closed and said to the pilot, ‘I want you to take us up to altitude.’
When they reached altitude the photographer said to the pilot, ‘Now, do you see that fire over to the east of us? I want you to fly over that. I’d like you to getas close as you can.’
‘Really?’ asked the pilot, amazed. ‘You seriously expect me to fly over that fire? You can’t ask me to dothat!’
‘Of course I’m serious. That’s why I’m here. I’m a professional photographer and I need you to takeme to where I can take some dramatic shots of the fire.’
‘So I guess that means,’ said the pilot, ‘that you aren’t the flight instructor?’

Grammar: verb patterns

Some verbs follow the pattern verb + object + infinitive.
These are some of the most common verbs which follow this pattern:
want-ask-help-expect-would- like-invite
persuade-tell-remind-teach-need-warn


I want you to get up.
She asked him to leave.
I told him to go.
He persuaded me to go with him.
I’m teaching him to read

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[sajjad1973]

C3. A full timetable

present simple passive / present simple for timetables

Josef was a tourist on holiday in London. He wanted to visit the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace and all the other famous tourist attractions. He arrived at the hotel and went to the front desk to check in.
‘Good evening, sir,’ said the woman at the reception desk,‘How may I help you?’
‘Good evening. I have a reservation for three nights full board. I booked online. The name is Josef Kurstall.’
‘Ah, yes, Mr. Kurstall. I have your booking here on the computer. Welcome to our hotel. Now first let me explain the hotel restaurant meal times. Breakfast is served from seven until eleven o’clock in the morning. Lunch is served frommidday to three in the afternoon and dinner is servedfrom six o’clock until nine.’
The receptionist noticed that Josef looked worried about something.
‘I hope there is no difficulty about that, sir. Is there a problem?’she asked.
‘Well, it seems like a nice hotel, and I’m sure the food is very good,’said Josef, frowning, ‘But when am I going to have time to go sightseeing?’

Grammar: present simple for timetables

It’s possible to use the present simple to refer to the future when you are talking about timetables and programmes of events.
The train leaves at 11.28 tomorrow morning.
The race begins in ten minutes.


You can also use the present simple to talk about future arrangements when the plans are fixed in a timetable.
When do you startyour new course?
I finishwork at seven o’clock tonight.


The present continuous formhas a different use for future meaning. The present continuous is used for personal plans written in a diary. Compare these sentences.

What time doesthe plane arrivetomorrow? ( a fixed timetable)
What time is she arriving tomorrow? ( a diary arrangement)
The play starts at eight o’clock. ( a fixed timetable)
We’re going to the theatre this evening. ( a diary arrangement

[sajjad1973]

C4. Planting potatoes

past simple passive form


Alfred Briggs was a prisoner in a high security jail, serving a thirty year sentence. In his youth he had been famous for robbing jewellery stores all over the country. Even after he was arrested, tried and sentenced, Alfred had kept his secrets and no one had ever discovered where the jewels were hidden. He was married and his wife, Sally, sent him regular letters about everyday problems at home. Alfred knew for a fact that his letters were opened and read by the authorities, but still he enjoyed receiving the news from home.

One day Alfred was given a letter from his wife. He opened it and read, 'Dear Alfred, I've decided to plant some potatoes in the back garden near to the white fence. When do you think is the best time for potatoes to be planted?'
Alfred wrote this in reply, 'Dear Sally, You can plant potatoes in two or three weeks' time, but whatever you do, don't plant them in the back garden. This is very important! Please don't plant them there!'
A week later, Alfred was given another letter from his wife. 'Dear Alfred, You won't believe this! Last week ten policemen arrived at the house and dug up all of the back garden.'
Alfred wrote back, ' Dear Sally, Now is the best time to plant potatoes.'

Grammar: past simple passive form

The past simple passive is formed with was / were + past participle.

You can use the passive form when you don't know who did an action or when the person who did the action is not the most important part of the sentence.

ACTIVE Someone built this bridge last year.
PASSIVE This bridge was built last year.

ACTIVE Somebody sentenced the robbers to ten years in prison.
PASSIVE The robbers were sentenced to ten years in prison.

[sajjad1973]

C5. A long-distance flight

take for time duration


A group of mathematicians from the University of London were travelling to a conference in Delhi.
At check in, one of them asked, 'How long does the flight take?'
'It takes nine hours, sir', the clerk replied.

Soon after take off, the captain made an announcement. announced that one engine had failed.
'One of the plane's engines has unfortunately failed. Your safety is not a problem,' the captain told the passengers, 'because the plane has four engines, but the journey will take longer with only three engines. I'm afraid that the flight will now take ten hours.'

Not long after that, the pilot made another announcement that these was a problem with another of the engines and now the journey would take a total of twelve hours. Everything was quiet for an hour, but then the pilot made another announcement.
'Please remain calm. There is no cause for alarm, but our third engine has also developed problems. Unfortunately, the journey will now take a total of sixteen hours.'

A mathematician turned to one of his colleagues and said, 'Well, if the last engine breaks down it will take us a whole day to get there!'

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Grammar: describing duration


When you talk about the duration of an activity, process or journey, you can use take or It takes + object pronoun + infinitive.

The journey takes an hour.
This won't take long.
You've taken a long time to read that book.
It takes me ten minutes to drive to work.
How long will it take us to get there?

[sajjad1973]

C6. Telling jokes





reflexive pronouns


Once there was a man travelling on a train. A woman sitting opposite him noticed that the man was talking to himself. Every now and then, after saying something to himself under his breath, he laughed. Sometimes, after saying something to himself, he groaned. This went on for twenty minutes.
‘I wonder what he’s doing,’ the woman wondered to herself.
At last, feeling curious, the woman decided to speak to him.
‘Excuse me, but can I ask what you are doing?’ she asked.
‘I get bored on long journeys so I’m passing the time by telling myself jokes,’ he replied.
‘When it’s a good joke, sometimes I make myself laugh.’
‘I see,’ said the woman, ‘But why do you groan sometimes?’
‘Well’, the man explained, ‘That’s when it’s a joke I already know.

Grammar: reflexive pronouns

Reflexive pronouns are used to talk about actions where the subject and the object are the same.
Incorrect: I hurt me. Correct: I hurt myself.

Subject pronouns	Object pronouns	Reflexive pronouns
I	me	myself
You	you	yourself
He	him	himself
S he	her	herself
It	it	itself
We	us	ourselves
You (plural)	you	yourselves
They	them	themselves

Sarah was looking at herself in the mirror.
The computer turns itself off after twenty minutes.
We really enjoyed ourselves at the party.

[sajjad1973]

C7. The stockboker's chickens


Infinitive of purpose: in order to, so that


Edward Harcourt was a forty year old stockbroker who lived in London. He was very successful in his job and had made a lot of money, but he was feeling very tired of the stresses of the job and the hectic pace of city life.
‘I feel I’m living to work, instead of working to live,’ he complained to a friend of his. ‘I’m thinking of relocating so that I can improve my life style,’ he went on. ‘Lots of people are choosing quality of life above high salary and status. I want a completely different way of life!’
After some thought, Edward decided to move to the country in order to keep chickens. He bought a chicken farm and moved in. His new neighbour, Bill came round to introduce himself and to offer help and advice.
‘I know quite a lot about chickens, so if you need any help at all, just ask me. Tell, you what, to help you start your farm, I’ll give you a hundred chickens.’
Edward was delighted and thanked his neighbour.

A few weeks later, Bill dropped by because he wanted to see how Edward was getting on. ‘Things aren’t going too well, I’m afraid. All the chickens you gave me died.’ said Edward miserably.
‘Oh no,’ sympathized Bill. ‘ Well, don’t be too depressed about it. I’ll give you another hundred chickens, so you can start again,’
After another week, Bill looked in on Edward again.
‘So how are you getting on now?’ he asked. ‘I hope the new chickens are doing well?’
‘I’m embarrassed to tell you,’ said Edward unhappily, ‘but the second lot of chickens are all dead, too.’
‘But that’s terrible! I wonder what the problem could be?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Edward. ‘I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too close together or too deep down.’


Grammar: infinitive of purpose: in order to, so that

> There are several ways to explain the reasons why someone does an action.

With infinitive of purpose: I went to the reception desk to ask for information.

With in order + infinitive: I went to the reception desk in order to ask for information.

With so that + verb clause: I went to the reception desk so that I could ask for information.