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نام تاپيک: ENGLISH JOKES

  1. #351
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    Difference b/w secretary & private secretary
    Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?

    Ans:
    Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
    &
    Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
    __________________________________________


    Hi i am marrying next week ( Funny sms )
    Hi i am marrying next week
    there will be a small party and
    only few persons will be invited
    Hey don’t bring any gift
    just bring SOMEONE to marry me
    ___________________________________


    Marriage is like a public toilet

    Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
    &
    Those inside are desperate to come
    _______________________________________


    HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle

    If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further

    M0ral:
    always Keep a SPARE TYRE
    _________________________________

    TEACHER:
    what is the different between
    problem and challenge????

    STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
    1boy+3girls=challenge..
    __________________________

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  3. #352
    English | Active member sajjad1973's Avatar
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    B8. The bus driver and the mother

    present perfect + ever / never


    A young woman got onto a London bus one morning. She was carrying a baby. As she was buying her ticket, the bus driver said,
    ‘That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’
    The woman was furious. With a furious expression on her face, she stormed down to the back of the bus and sat down next to another passenger. The passenger noticed how upset she was, so he asked her,
    ‘What’s happened?’
    ‘I’ve never been so furious in my life. That bus driver insulted me.’
    ‘That’s terrible,’ sympathised the passenger. ‘How rude! You’re a customer so he should be polite to you. Tell you what, why don’t you go and tell him how angry you are?’
    ‘Ok, then,’ the woman said, ‘You’re right. I will. I’ll go and tell him what I think about his behaviour.’
    ‘Good idea,’ said the passenger, ‘and I’ll hold your monkey for you.’


    Grammar: present perfect simple with ever / never

    When you talk about your experiences of life you often use present perfect simple. The word order is has / have + ever + past participle.
    It’s the hottest summer I’ve ever seen.
    I’ve never eaten such a delicious meal!
    Haveyou ever seena cat as fat as that before?

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  5. #353
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    A lady want to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future.

    - Leady , I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future .

    - Don’t tell me things that I already know , tell me if there would be an investigation
    Tcher while lecturing , noticed a student sleeping at the back.

    Tcher shouts 2 hs neighbor : “ wake him up!”

    Neighbor yells : “U put him 2 sleep , so U wake him up
    Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
    Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it

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  7. #354
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    Jack was attending the funeral service of the richest man in the city.
    Beacause he was weeping bitterly, a man asked sadly, " was the deceases one of the dear relatives? "No" said jack.
    " Then why are you crying?" asked the stranger. " Because I'm not one of the relatives," answered jack.

    ________________________________
    1: Look a thief has entered our kitchen
    and he is eating the cake I made.

    2: Whom should I call now,
    Police or Ambulance
    ___________________________


    1. Smart man + smart woman = romance

    2. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

    3. Dumb man + smart woman = affair

    4. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage

    5. Smart boss + smart employee = profit

    6. Smart boss + dumb employee = production

    7. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

    8. Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
    _______________________________________________

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  9. #355
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    3) why women are beautiful

    'God,' inquired Adam, 'Why did you make Eve so beautiful?'

    'So you would love her.'

    'But why did you make her so dumb?'

    'So she would love you.
    _______________________________


    American: In our country ,
    marriage even takes place with email.

    Hindi : In India, it is only with a female
    _____________________


    A lady want to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future.

    - Leady , I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future .

    - Don’t tell me things that I already know , tell me if there would be an investigation

    _____________________________


    Tcher while lecturing , noticed a student sleeping at the back.

    Tcher shouts 2 hs neighbor : “ wake him up!”

    Neighbor yells : “U put him 2 sleep , so U wake him up
    ____________________________

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  11. #356
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    Missing Husband

    A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back

    ______________________________

    Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

    The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

    One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

    "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
    The boys gave the bill to the teacher.
    _______________________

    Teacher: Why are you late?
    Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

    Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

    Student: No. I was standing on it!

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  13. #357
    English | Active member sajjad1973's Avatar
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    B9. The wrong answer

    Present perfect simple



    At a job interview the interviewer said to the potential employee,
    ‘So I see here on your CV that you’ve had twelve jobs in the last three years.’
    ‘Oh yes,’ replied the candidate, ‘That’s right. I’ve had a lot of experience working in this area.’
    ‘Well, yes, you’ve worked for a lot of different companies, but you’ve never stayed with any employer for longer than three months.’continued the interviewer, ‘To me, that gives the impression that you quit your jobs as soon as you get bored with them. Is this true?’
    ‘Oh no, that’s not how it is at all,’ answered the candidate, ‘I’ve never quit a job in my life.’


    Grammar: present perfect for past experiences


    Use the present perfect simple to talk about past experiences and achievements which are important and relevant to the present.

    The present perfect simple is formed using have / has+ past participle.
    Last edited by sajjad1973; 27-10-2012 at 07:42.

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  15. #358
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    husband: Will U marry , after I die.
    Wife : No I will live with my sister.

    Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
    husband: No I will also live with your sister
    ____________________________________


    Future plans of childrens:
    Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
    Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
    Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
    Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
    Shariq : I want 2 help Bina

    __________________________

    An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
    An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
    How is that you can fly so fast?
    The Rocket replies you will know the pain
    when they put fire at your back
    ________________________________

    Difference b/w secretary & private secretary
    Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?

    Ans:
    Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
    &
    Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR

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  17. #359
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    Hi i am marrying next week
    there will be a small party and
    only few persons will be invited
    Hey don’t bring any gift
    just bring SOMEONE to marry me
    _______________________________


    Marriage is like a public toilet

    Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
    &
    Those inside are desperate to come
    _____________________

    HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle

    If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further

    M0ral:
    always Keep a SPARE TYRE
    __________________________
    TEACHER
    what is the different between
    problem and challenge????

    STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
    1boy+3girls=challenge

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  19. #360
    English | Active member sajjad1973's Avatar
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    B10. A helping hand

    too+ adjective, not + adjective +enough


    Mr. Hopkins was walking down the street one day when he noticed a small boy. The boy was standing outside a house. He was trying to ring the doorbell but the problem was that he was too short to reach up to the bell. As Mr. Hopkins watched, he tried to jump up to press the bell, but he just wasn't tall enough. Then the boy got a book out of his school bag and stood on it, but the book wasn't thick enough and the bell was still too high up for him to reach.
    The man felt sorry for the boy and decided to go and help him. He walked over to the door, smiled at the little boy and rang the door bell three times.
    Then he turned to the boy and said kindly, 'So now what, little man?'
    'Now,' the boy replied, 'we run away as fast as possible!'


    Grammar: too + adjective,not + adjective + enough


    You can talk about some problems using these forms:too + adjective (too hot, too difficult) or not+ adjective + enough ( not good enough, not big enough)
    For example, when the bath water is colder than you want it to be, you can say it in these two different ways.
    It's too cold.
    It's not warm enough.


    When you can't do something because of a problem of degree you can use these forms:
    These bags are too heavy for me to carry.
    I'm not strong enough to carry these bags

    .


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