ENGLISH JOKES

[sajjad1973]

A7. The King of the Jungle

superlatives






Grammar: superlative adjectives

In general, usethe + adjective +est for shorter adjectives and the most + adjective for longer adjectives. We usually use the(the definite article) before a superlative.

This is the tallest buildingin the city.
August is usually the hottest month of the year.
I don’t want to buy the most expensive dictionary.


The adjectivesgood, bad, and far have irregular superlative forms.
It was the best meal I’ve had for a long time.
This joke is the worst I’ve ever heard.
Who can throw this ball the furthest?

[sajjad1973]

A8. A cooling swim


infinitive of purpose


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Two young women were out walking in the country on a hot summer’s day when they saw a beautiful lake close to the road.
‘It’s so hot! Let’s go for a swim in that lake to cool down!’suggested the first woman.
‘But we haven’t got any swimming things to put on,’ said the other, ‘We can’t swim naked!’
‘Oh, don’t worry about that!’ reassured the first woman, ‘There’s nobody here to see us.’
So they took off all their clothes and got into the lovely cool water for a swim.
After only a few minutes they noticed a farmer walking towards the lake carrying a large bucket.
‘Are you here to askus to get out of the lake?’ the first woman asked.
‘I think he’s here to look at us!’ said the second woman.
The old farmer frowned and held up the bucket for them to see.
‘No, I’m not here to tell you to get out of the lake and I didn’t come here to watch you ladies swim naked.’ he replied. ‘I’m just here to feed the alligator.’

Grammar: infinitive of purpose

You can explain why you do something with to + verb.

Why did you leave the meeting? To makea phone call.
I’m writing to thank you for your help.
I phoned Harry to invite him to dinner.

[sajjad1973]

B1. Parachutes


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superlatives


On a flight on a small private plane, a doctor, a lawyer, a model, and an old lady with her grandson were the only passengers. Unfortunately, the plane developed engine trouble. The pilot went back to speak to the passengers.
‘I have good news and bad news,’ he said. ‘The bad news is that the plane is going to crash, but the good news is that we have some parachutes. However, there are six people on this plane and we only have five parachutes. As you can see, I’m wearing mine right now.’
With that, the pilot jumped out of the plane, pulled the cord for his parachute and disappeared from view. The doctor spoke up first.
‘Well, my job is saving lives and that’s one of the most important jobs in the world, so I should have one of the parachutes’, and she took a pack and jumped.
Next was the lawyer.
‘I’mthe most intelligent man in the world, so I should have one, too,’ he said, and he took a pack and leapt from the plane. Then the model stood up.
‘I’m one of the most beautiful women in the world, so I think I should have one as well.’
Sadly, the grandmother turned to her grandson.
‘Well, there’s only one left. I think you should have it, dear. I’ve already had the best years of my life.’
‘Oh, don’t worry, grandma,’ said the boy, ‘The most intelligent man in the worldjust jumped out of the plane with my back pack.’

Grammar: superlatives

For short adjectives, use the + adjective + -estto form the superlative.
Where is the longest riverin the world?
It was the hottest day of the year.

For longer adjectives use the most + adjective to form the superlative:
It was the most interesting placeI’ve ever been to.
What’s the most expensive thingyou’ve ever bought?

After superlatives use in for places.
It’s one of the most important jobs in the world.

After superlatives use of for periods of time.
It’s the best time of your life.

[sajjad1973]

B2. Healthy living

adverbs of frequency


Lucy Williams worked in an office near the city centre . She usually went for a walk in the park during her lunch hour. Nearly every day she saw a very old man who was always in the park on the same bench. He had white hair and a long white beard and a very contented expression. She sometimes nodded to him or said hello and he always smiled back very happily. One day, she decided to stop and speak to him.
‘Excuse me,’ said Lucy, ‘I often see you here. You always seem very cheerful and you’re never sick! What’s your secret for a long and happy life?’
‘My secret?’ asked the old man, smiling at her ‘I don’t have a secret.’
‘But how often do you take exercise?’ asked Lucy.
‘I nevertake any exercise, young lady.’
‘What about your diet? How often do you eat fresh fruit and vegetables?’
‘I hardly ever eat vegetables.’ he replied, still smiling, ‘And I smoke almost all the time.’
‘That’s amazing!’ said Lucy. ‘How old are you?’
‘Thirty five,’ he replied

Grammar: adverbs of frequency

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These are adverbs which describe how often you do something.

With most verbs put the adverb before the verb: I hardly ever eat vegetables.
With the verb to beput the adverb after the verb: He was always on the bench.

[sajjad1973]

B3. Country road


adverbs of manner


Henry Kilburn loved fast cars. One day he looked out of the window and saw that the sun was shining brightly.
‘It’s a good day for a drive in the country,’ he said to himself, happily.
So he set off in his shiny red sports car and turned on the radio. He started singing loudly to one of his favourite tunes and he put his foot down on the accelerator. The car was moving quickly through the countryside, when he went over the top of a hill and saw another car moving towards him. The woman in the car was driving very slowly, and she was honking her car horn.
As Henry passed her, she rolled the car window down, put her head out and shouted loudly,‘Pig! Pig!’
‘Ridiculous,’ Henry thought to himself angrily,‘I know I’m driving fast, but I’m driving carefully. Just because I'm driving fast, it doesn't mean I'm driving badly.’
‘Stupid cow!’ he shouted at her out of his window and drove away even faster.
Around the next corner he crashed his car into a pig.


Grammar: adverbs of manner


Adverbs of manner describe the way you do something. In the same way as adjectives can describe a noun, adverbs can describe a verb. Many adverbs are formed with adjective + -ly.

adjective + noun	adverb + verb
It was a quick meal.	We ate quickly.
She is a careful driver.	She drives carefully.
He’s a bad tennis player.	He plays tennis badly.
It was an easyexam.	I answered the questions easily.

There are some irregular adverbs which do not end in –ly:

Cathy is a goodcook.	Cathy cooks very well.
It was a fast car.	He drove very fast.
It was hardwork.	We worked very hard.

[sajjad1973]

B4. Fear of flying

be going to intentions and predictions


Mr. Harrison needed to fly from London to New York. He was afraid of flying but the journey was important for his job so he bought a plane ticket from a travel agent.
At the airport, he tried not to be nervous about his first flight.
‘I’m not going to worry about it’, he told himself ‘Everything is going to be fine. I’m going to get on the plane, I’m going to go to sleep for a few hours and when I wake up I’m going to be in New York.’
The plane took off and after an hour in the air, there was a loud noise. Mr. Harrison heard one of the flight attendants say to the other, ‘ Oh no! That sounds really bad.’
Mr. Harrison called the flight attendant over and asked,‘Excuse me, but is everything going to be OK?’
‘Oh, don’t worry about a thing, sir. Everything is going to be just fine. We’re going to arrive a little later in New York, but that’s all. Just fasten your seatbelt and go back to sleep.’
Mr. Harrison tried to go back to sleep again but only ten minutes later, there was screaming and shouting from other passengers as they pointed out of the window.
‘The engines are on fire! We’re going to crash! We’re all going to die!’
The pilot opened the door of the cockpit and told the passengers to keep calm. He was smiling and his voice was relaxed so Mr. Harrison felt a little better. The pilot walked to the emergency exit of the plane and took some packages from under a seat. He gave some to the flight attendants and took one for himself.
Mr. Harrison was now very worried and so he asked an attendant, ‘Excuse me, but are those packages parachutes? You said we had nothing to worry about!’
‘No, sir. Don’t worry about a thing. We’re going to ge tsome help.’


Grammar: be going to used for intentions and predictions


You can use be going to + verb to make predictions about the future, particularly when your prediction is based on the evidence of your senses or experience.
Look at those clouds. It’s going to rainsoon.
Your car engine is making a bad noise. It’s going to break down.


You can use be going to + verbto talk about things you have arranged to do in the future.
I’m going to get on the plane.
I’m going to visit my cousins on Saturday

[sajjad1973]

B5. In the ice cream shop

will for decisions


A man went into a restaurant and the waitress came over to ask him what he wanted.
The man said, 'I'll have some vanilla ice cream and some strawberry ice cream, some lemon ice cream and some banana ice cream.'
'OK, sir.' said the waitress, 'Will there be anything else?'
'Er, yes...' said the man, 'Do you have any chocolate sauce?'
'Yes, sir. We do,' replied the waitress.
'Great, I'll have double chocolate sauce on that.'
'Anything else, sir?'
'Oh, yes, do you have any cream?'
'Certainly sir.'
'And,' continued the man, 'I'll have extra cream on all of those.'
'Yes sir.' said the waitress, writing down the whole order, 'And would you like any nuts on top?'
'Nuts?' said the man, horrified, 'Oh, no! I won't have any nuts. I'm on a diet.'

Grammar: will for decisions

When you make a decision at the time of speaking use will + verb (without to). We often use this form at the moment of making a choice.

I'll have a glass of mineral water please.
I won't have a desert but I'll have a coffee please.

[sajjad1973]

B6. Fishing in the rain

past continuous


It was a cold dark evening in February in the city. It was raining heavily and the roads were covered in water. George was leaving his office after work when he noticed a poor old man. The man was standing next to a puddle in the road. He was wearing long rubber fishing boots and he was holding a stick with a piece of string. The string was hangingin the puddle. George asked the old man what he was doing and the man replied that he was fishing.‘Poor guy!’, George thought. The old man was obviously going crazy. George felt sorry for the old man, and he was getting very wet, standing outside in the rain, so he decided to invite the old man to have a drink with him in a nearby bar.
George ordered a drink for himself and bought one for the old man. The old man was smiling happily as he was drinking. While they were finishing their drinks, George tried to start a conversation. He turned to the old man and asked,
'So is the fishing good today?'
‘Not bad today, thanks.’ replied the old man.
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

Grammar: past continuous

We use the past continuous form to describe the background events in a story. It is often used to talk about the weather, to describe what people were wearing and to talk about actions which were in progress at the beginning of the story.
We were wearing very smart clothes because we were going to a wedding.
The sun was shining and Helen was feeling very happy.


We often use the time expressions as and while with the past continuous form to show that the two things were happening at the same time.

I was cleaning the apartment while you were drinking in the bar.
It was raining heavily as I was walking home.


.

[sajjad1973]

B7. Pirate story

past continuous / past simple

An old pirate was sitting in the bar. He was smoking a pipe and drinking a glass of rum. He was wearing an eye patch and he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg. Instead of his right hand he had a metal hook. A young sailor was chatting with the pirate and he asked him about his adventures at sea.
‘So, how did you lose your leg?’, the young man asked the pirate.
‘Arrr! ,’said the pirate, ‘You see, some sharks were circling the ship when I fell overboard. Luckily, my men pulled me back onto the ship before the sharks ate me completely, but one of the sharks got my leg.’
‘And how about the hook on your hand? How did you lose your hand?’
‘I was boarding a ship when another sailor cut off my hand with a sword.’
‘That’s amazing! What a life full of adventures!’ said the young man.‘And how about your eye? How did you lose that?’
‘I was eating a grapefruit when the juice went into my eye.’
‘But I don’t understand. How did you lose your eye from the grapefruit juice?’
‘Arrr!’said the pirate, ‘it was my first day with the new hook.’




Grammar: past continuous v. past simple

Use the past continuous to describe something in progress over a period of time in the past.
Use the past simple to talk about something completed in the past.



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[orochi]

Mr.Bean Science
.
I was stuck in ELEVATOR for 3 hrs
Due to electric failure
Mr.Bean:
Ya me too
I was stuck on ESCALATOR for 5 hrs
_________________________________________________

(husband & Wife )

husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.

Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister
________________________________________


Future plans of childrens:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
Shariq : I want 2 help Bina
____________________________

An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back