ENGLISH JOKES

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a man in New York City who gives an excuse to his boss because he is late to work again. He tells a long story with many details. Sometimes, more details make a story sound more realistic. Do you think this story is realistic? What part is the MOST unrealistic in your opinion?

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked (1) sarcastically. "Let's hear a good (2) excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. (3) The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then (4) the drawbridge got (5) stuck. (6) Rather than let you down, I (7) swam across the river. Look, my suit's still (8) damp. I ran out to the airport, got a ride on (9) Donald Trump's (10) helicopter, landed on top of (11) Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here (12) piggyback by one of (13) the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously (14) disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

(1) in a critical way - he is suggesting that Jones always gives bad reasons for being late (2) a reason for doing something wrong (3) he could say "my wife" but we often do say "the wife" to refer to our own wife (4) a bridge that rises to let boats go under (but cars on the bridge must stop) (5) it could not move (6) instead of (7) past of "swim" (8) a little bit wet (you can feel the water) (9) a famous, and rich, businessman in New York (10) it's like an airplane but it goes straight up and has a big propeller (like a wing) on the top that goes around (11) a famous place for listening to music or watching live shows in New York City (12) one person is carried on another person's back (13) a very famous group of dancers (14) he thinks it's not a good story

Explanation: So, of all the unbelievable things Mr. Jones described, the fact that his wife got ready in only ten minutes seems the most unbelievable to the boss. Well, now that I think about it, it may be true! What do you think?

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a very rainy city (Seattle, famous for "Microsoft"), similar to my hometown, Rochester, New York. Sometimes in the spring, we get so much rain that it seems it will never stop! Enjoy the story.

A (1) newcomer to (2) Seattlearrives on a rainy day. She (3) gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees (4) a young kid and, (5) out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "(6) How should I know? I'm only 6."

(1) a person who has lived there for a short time (2) a very rainy city in the North West U.S. (3) wakes up, gets out of bed (4) a small boy (5) feeling bad, with no hope (will the rain ever stop?) (6) "I can't know something so difficult!"

Note: From the boy's answer, it seems as though it has rained every day for the past six years!

[sajjad1973]

This joke uses a "play on words" - one word has two meanings. There is a customer who cannot understand a very simple message from somebody who is trying to help him. Enjoy the story

A new customer called (1) Tech Support to ask about (2) instructions from his computer's (3) user's manual. "It says, hit any (4) key and when I do that nothing happens'. The Tech Support (5) staff member replied, "Can you try again and tell me what happens?" The customer (6) explained, "I tried but nothing happened". The Tech Support worker then asked, "What key did you hit?" After (7) a moment and some (8) clinking sound the customer replied, "Well, first I triedmy (9) car key and just now my (10) office key."

(1) an office that can help you with machines (2) how to do something (3) a book that tells you everything about a machine (4) a letter or number on a computer "keyboard" (5) a worker (6) said why or what, in detail (7) a very short time (8) the sound of metal hitting metal (9) a key used to get into a car (10) a key used to get into an office

The customer confused keys that are used to open doors with the keys on a computer. Not very smart!

[sajjad1973]

یه سری جک هست که تمرکزشون روی فراگیری گرامر از طریق جک هست - از ساده ترینشون شروع میکنم -

A1. The polar bear

present simple


POLAR BEAR CUB: Mum, am I a real polar bear?
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Yes, dear, of course you are.
POLAR BEAR CUB: Really?
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Yes, son. I’m a polar bear. Your dad’s a polar bear. Your grandparents are polar bears. Your sisters are polar bears. Your brothers are polar bears.
POLAR BEAR CUB: I know that, mum. But am I a real polar bear?
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Of course you are. Be quiet and eat your fish.
POLAR BEAR CUB: But I’m not a polar bear, I’m sure.
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Listen to me. You are a real polar bear. Why do you ask the same question again and again?
POLAR BEAR CUB: Because I’m freezing!

Grammar: present simple

The verb to be is irregular. Look at the full forms and the contracted forms.

Positive	Contracted form	Negative	Contracted forms
I am	I'm	I am not	I'm not
You are	You're	You are not	You're not / You aren't
She is	She's	She is not	She isn't / She's not
He is	He's	He is not	He isn't / He's not
It is	It's	It is not	It isn't / It's not
We are	We're	We are not	We aren't / We're not
They are	They're	They are not	They aren't / They're not

For short positive answers, don't use the contracted form.

Incorrect: Yes, I’m.

Correct: Yes, I am.

Incorrect: Yes, they’re.

Correct: Yes, they are

[sajjad1973]

A2. Good dog!

auxiliary verbs / short answers

[IMG] [ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] [/IMG]


Grammar: short answers with auxiliary verbs

We often use an auxiliary verb when we answer a question with Yes or No. It sounds more natural and polite to use this form than to just use Yes or No without an auxiliary.

Question	Positive short answer	Negative short answer
Are you OK?	Yes, I am.	No, I'm not.
Is this our bus?	Yes, it is.	No, it isn't.
Does Jack work with you?	Yes, he does.	No, he doesn't.
Do your parents come from Spain?	Yes, they do.	No, they don't.
Can I open the window?	Yes, you can.	No, you can't.

With positive auxiliary short answers don't use the contracted forms.
Are you angry? [Yes, I'm.] Yes, Iam.

[sajjad1973]

A3. At a party

can for requests

[IMG] [ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] [/IMG]
Grammar: can/ can't

To give permission, or to ask for permission use can+ infinitive (without to).To refuse permission or to say something is against the rules usecan't + infinitive (without to).

A: You can't sitthere.	B:Where canI sit?
A:Can I sit here?	B:Yes, you can.
A:CanI bring my dog in here?	B:No, you can’t.
A:When can I leave? منبع: [ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]

[sajjad1973]

A4. The rabbit and the butcher

some / any


One day a rabbit walked into the butcher's shop and asked the butcher, 'Do you have anycarrots?'
The butcher replied, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, but this is a butchers' shop. We don't sell vegetables in here. Go to the greengrocer at the other end of the street. I'm sure he's got some carrots.'
The rabbit thanked the butcher and left the shop.

The next day the rabbit went into the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning! I'd like a lettuce and some carrots, please.'
'Look, I'm sorry, sir! I told you yesterday - we don't sell any vegetables in here, only meat.'
'OK, I see,' said the rabbit and left the shop.

On the third day, the rabbit walked into the shop again and said,
'Hello, could you give me somecarrots and a cabbage, please?'
This time the butcher was very angry.
'I told you yesterday and the day before. We don't sell any vegetables in here. No carrots, no lettuce, no cabbage and no onions. Do you understand? The next time you come in here and ask for vegetables, I'm going to take a hammer and I'm going to nail your ears to the floor!'

The next day, the rabbit was in the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning!' he said. 'Do have any nails?'
'No,' said the butcher, 'I don't have any nails.'
'Do you have a hammer?' asked the rabbit.
'No, I don't,' the butcher replied.
'Good,' said the rabbit, 'Then can I have some carrots, please?'


Grammar: some and any

In general, we usually use some in positive sentences and any in negative sentences and questions. (Note that there are other uses of these words.)

He has some carrots.
He doesn't have any carrots
Do you have any carrots?


With offers and requests with would like and can I have, we usually use some, not any.

Would you like some carrots?

[A M ! N]

The next day, the rabbit was in the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning!' he said. 'Do have any nails?'
'No,' said the butcher, 'I don't have any nails.'
'Do you have a hammer?' asked the rabbit.
'No, I don't,' the butcher replied.
'Good,' said the rabbit, 'Then can I have some carrots, please?'
.

It fairly reminded me of prison break serial ( season 2 , episode 7) . when Charles Patoshik ( the one suffered from mental disorders) took some materials ( of course he didn't want to pay for them ) from that tool shop and the shopkeeper just caught him red-handed
Charles noticed that the shopkeeper's leg had been injured and he was not able to walk without his stick

..what happened to your knee there? - Charles said
motorcycle accident- shopkeeper responded
so..uhmm..you don't move around too well then.. do you?- Charles asked
not very- shopkeeper said
oh..that's good- Charles said :d

obviously when Charles found out the shopkeeper could not run too well , Charles made the hay and ran

[sajjad1973]

A5. Lost boots

possessive adjectives and pronouns

[IMG] [ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] [/IMG]

Teacher: What’s wrong

Boy: I can’t find my boots.

Teacher: What kind of boots are they?

Boy: They’re long green ones.

Teacher: There’s a pair of green boots right here. Are you sure these aren’t yours?

Boy: No, those aren’t mine. Mine had snow on them
.

Grammar: possessive adjectives and pronouns

You use these possessive adjectives before a noun: my, your, his, her, its, our, their.
You use these possessive pronouns instead of a noun: mine, yours, his, hers, its, ours, theirs.

These words show who is the owner of things
.

subject pronoun	possessive adjective	possessive pronoun
Ihave a book.	It’s my book.	It's mine.
Shehas a phone.	It’s her phone.	It's hers.
He has a bag.	It’s hisbag.	This bag is his.
Wehave a room.	It’s our room.	It’s ours.
Youhave a pen.	It’s yourpen.	It’s yours.
Theyhave a house.	It’s theirhouse.	It’s theirs.

[sajjad1973]

A6. In the bathroom

present continuous

[ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]

Mum: Alice, what are you doing in here [in the bathroom?

Alice: I’m standing on a chair.

Mum: But why are you standing on the chair?

Alice: I’m looking into the mirror, mum.

Mum: But you’ve got your eyes closed, Alice.Why are you doing that?

Alice: I want to see what I look like when I’m sleeping.

Grammar: Present continuous

You use the present continuousto talk about things people are doing right now, at the moment of speaking.

The present continuous is formed from the verbto be + verb + -ing (gerund).This form is also sometimes called the present progressive.

I’m working.	Are you sleeping?	He’s watching TV.
Is she studying English?	We’re staying for 2 days.	What are they doing in there?