ENGLISH JOKES

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a man who has moved up in his company very fast, getting many promotions. (A promotion is when you are given a better job in the same company.) For some reason, however, he does not seem very excited... Enjoy

The boss called one of his (1) employeesinto the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in (2) the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to (3) district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to (4) vice-chairman. Now it's time for me (5) to retire, and I want you (6) to take overthe company. (7) What do you say to that?" "Thanks," said the employee. "Thanks?" the boss was (8) taken aback. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

(1) a worker (2) a place that delivers letters, and sometimes newspapers and magazines (3) a whole, big area of the city or country (4) the number two position in the company (5) to finish a career, when an older worker stops working (6) to become the top person in the company (7) what's your opinion, what do you think? (8) a bit surprised

Explanation: While reading this story, we have to wonder why this man has moved up so fast. He must be so smart! He must be so talented! This is a truly great man! Well, maybe not...

[sajjad1973]

This joke makes fun of Windows and the people who make Windows. Enjoy

There were three engineers in a car. One was (1) an electrical engineer, one was(2) a chemical engineerand one was a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stopped by the side of the road, and the three engineers looked at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggested (3) stripping downthe electronics of the car and trying (4) to trace where a fault might have (5) occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggested that maybe (6) the fuel was getting (7) blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion, (8) “Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!”

(1) an expert in electricity and electrical systems (2) an expert in chemicals and chemical reactions (3) to uncover and open it up so we can see inside (4) to follow (5) happened (6) energy (for a car, gasoline is the fuel) (7) stopped (8) a way to make a suggestion (another way is "how about if we...")

Explanation: His idea sometimes work with Windows on a computer, but can it work with a car? This particular engineer is "overgeneralizing" - he is using his own narrow experience to try to understand problems in a very different situation.

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a couple getting divorced (ending their marriage) in a court of law. In most divorce cases, the husband ends up paying money called "alimony" to his wife, to help support her when she is alone. In this story, does the Judge explain his decision well enough? (*o*

“Mr. Clark, I have (1) reviewed this (2) case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week”. “That's very fair, (3) Your Honor,” the husband said. “And (4) every now and then I'll try to send her a few (5) bucks myself."

(1) looked carefully or "looked over" (2) a problem discussed in a court of law (3) a polite title (name) for a Judge (4) sometimes (not very often) (5) dollars

Explanation: When the Judge used the verb "give", he meant his decision would give the woman $775. It is normally the husband's duty (his requirement) to pay the alimony. But this man, when he heard the word "give", thought the Judge would pay it. Now THAT would be a very nice Judge! (^_^)

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a young man who gets himself into trouble but can always get himself out of trouble by thinking fast. Enjoy!

There was a boy who worked in (1) the produce sectionof a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half(2) a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the stock room and said, "There is (3) some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager (4) okayed the request and the man (5) went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You (6) think on your feetand we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, (7) "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" (8) inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just (9) whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", (10) exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"

(1) the part of a supermarket that sells fresh vegetables and fruits (2) one round "piece" of lettuce (it looks like a head, doesn't it?) (3) a stupid man ("some" suggests that he is not important) (4) "ok" is made into a verb by some people - he said "ok" (5) went out (6) think quickly (7) a very cold state in the north of the U.S. (8) asked (9) prostitutes (women who sell their bodies for money) (10) said loudly

Explanation: The boss saw him get out of trouble once but then the young man insulted all women of his home state of Minnesota. Of course he just assumed the boss' wife played hockey because she could not be one of those bad women who sell themselves. Do you think the boss believed him?

[sajjad1973]

This joke uses misdirection to make us laugh at the end. Enjoy

Sammy (1) took Sally out dancing. Sammy was (2) having a good time when Sally (3) suddenly said to him, “You could be a good dancer (4) except for two things.” Sammy eagerly asked, “What are the two things?” Sally (5) calmly replied, “Your feet!”

(1) He brought her to someplace to have fun (2) having fun (3) very quickly, it was not expected (4) other than, besides those two things (5) peacefully

Explanation: Sammy was hoping for two ideas from Sally, two pieces of advice that could help him become a good dancer. If only he had different feet, maybe he could be a good dancer. But he cannot get new feet so, in Sally's opinion, he will never be a good dancer. (It seems Sammy is a lot like me!)

[east&west]

Bunch of retarded arabs kill four Americans to show their disapproval of a stupid movie that accused their prophet of pedophilia and violence …… what a joke

[sajjad1973]

This joke uses "misdirection". The language gets us to think one way, so in the end we get a surprise. Enjoy

Woman A told Woman B, 'I have the (1) perfectson'. Woman B asked, 'Does he (2) smoke?' Woman A answered, 'No, he doesn't'. Woman B: 'Does he drink (3) whiskey?' Woman A: 'No, he doesn't'. Woman B: 'Does he ever come home late?' Woman A: 'No, he doesn't'. Woman B: (4) 'I guessyou really do have the perfect son. How old is he?' Woman A: "He will be six months old next Wednesday' .

(1) he has no bad points (he is 100% good!) (2) smoke cigarettes (tobacco) (3) very strong alcohol (4) she believes it must be true

Of course Woman B believed Woman A's son was grown up. Since she believed it, we also believed it. Surprise!

[sajjad1973]

This joke uses an expression ("a second opinion") often used when we have a serious health problem. If we are not sure of our doctor's advice, we can get "a second opinion" from another doctor. This is very common when the decision is very important but in this joke, the decision is not so important so the doctor's final answer is quite a surprise. Enjoy

The doctor said to his (1) patient: 'Your health is getting (2) worse because you are so (3) overweight. You are really very fat and need to lose (4) at least20 kilograms.' The patient replied to the doctor: 'I want to get (5) a second opinion.' 'Okay', the doctor (6) spoke again, 'you are very(7) uglytoo!'

(1) a sick person who goes to see a doctor (2) "more bad" (we say "good - better - best" and "bad - worse - worst) (3) too heavy or too fat (4) the lowest number, maybe he needs to lose MORE than 20 kilos! (5) he wants to go see another doctor (6) past of "speak" (7) not good looking

The doctor is using the the first meaning of "opinion", which is just his personal idea, not the opinion of a professional doctor! (^_*)

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a simple gambling game. Only one person, however, really wants to play the game. The Engineer in this story comes up with a clever way to stop the game and win some money at the same time. Enjoy!

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer (2) leaned over to the Engineer and asked if he wanted to play a fun game. The Engineer just wanted to sleep so he politely (3) declined, turned away and tried to sleep. The Programmer (4) persisted and explained that it's a (5) real easy game. He explained,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declined and tried to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat (6) agitated, said, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agreed to the game. The Programmer asked the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer didn't say a word and just (7) handed the Programmer $5. Next it was the Engineer's turn. He asked the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looked at him with (8) a puzzled look, took out his laptop computer, looked through all his (9) references and after about an hour (10) woke the Engineer and handed the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely took the $50 then turned away and tried to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little (11) miffed, asked, "Well what's the answer to the question?" (12) Without a word, the Engineer reached into his wallet, handed $5 to the Programmer, turned away and returned to sleep.

(1) a computer programmer, someone who makes the software that lets us do things with computers (2) he moved his body to the side, closer to the Engineer (3) he said "no", he refused (4) he continued, he would not stop (5) we should say "really easy" but we often say "real easy" even though it is not correct! (6) bothered a little (7) gave (from his hand to the other person's hand) (8) his face looked like he was confused or unsure (9) books or other materials with lots of information (10) past of "wake" (he made him wake up) (11) a little angry (12) silently, without speaking

Explanation: Even though the Engineer failed twice, he only had to pay a total of $10, but he got $50 for the one impossible question he asked of the Programmer. He earned $40 AND he was finally able to get some sleep. Do you think the Programmer is happy that he "won" the game? (The

[sajjad1973]

Humor in Britain often uses "understatement", as does this joke. It starts with a very large animal (a hippopotamus, or "hippo" for short) going into a coffee shop, a very strange idea, isn't it? When the waiter tries to cheat the big hippo, we naturally expect a big response

.

One hot day, (1) a hippo went into (2) a café, sat down at a table and (3) ordered a large glass of orange juice with ice. (4) The waiter was very surprised to see a hippo, and to hear it talk, but he got it the glass of orange juice with ice. The waiter thought the hippo knew nothing about money, and so, when the hippo gave him (5) a five pound note, the waiter gave him just one pound in change. “I hope you enjoyed the orange juice,” said the waiter. “We don’t often (6) get hippopotamuses in here.” “With orange juice at four pounds a glass,” said the hippo, “ I’m not surprised .”

(1) a big animal from Africa with a very big mouth and small ears (2) a small restaurant where we can drink coffee or other drinks (3) ask for food or drink in a restaurant (4) paper money equal to five pounds (5) when restaurants "get" customers, it means they "have" customers (customers are coming in)

Explanation: Part of the humor of this joke, I think, is because the hippo's simple answer seems surprisingly human. Another part of the humor comes from the fact that there is usually another reason we don't see many hippos in cafes - because hippos normally swim in African rivers, rather than sit in London cafes!