ENGLISH JOKES

[sajjad1973]

This joke shows a common problem between husbands and wives. Do you think this is true?

A husband had always been (1) disdainful ofpeople who, (2) in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, (3) while women use 4400. The wife (4) pondered that a moment, then (5) concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands." He looked up and asked, (6) "Come again?"

(1) he looked down on those people (2) in his opinion, in his point of view (3) at the same time (4) thought deeply (5) she came to her final thought (6) "could you repeat that

[sajjad1973]

This joke is an example of "black humor" with a violent ending, but it is funny because of the man's mistake. I hope you can understand his mistake and never do this yourself

!

A couple of New Jersey (1) hunters were out in (2) the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing, his eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy (3) whipped out his cell phone and called (4) the emergency services. He (5) gasped to (6) the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a (7) calm, soothing voice said: "Just (8) take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There was a silence, then a shot was heard. The guy's voice came back on the line. He said: "OK, (9) now what?"

(1) people who shoot at animals for sport (2) a place with many trees and animals (3) pulled out very quickly (4) part of a hospital that helps with sudden accidents or sudden illnesses (5) air came out of his mouth very quickly (6) the person who answers the telephone for the hospital (7) in a soft, peaceful voice (8) relax (9) "what should I do now?"

Explanation: The operator said "make sure he's dead", to see if maybe he was still alive. So, the operator should have asked him to check if the friend was still alive! We normally only hear "make sure he's dead" on TV or in the movies, when a killer's boss tells the killer to be sure. The man in this joke is not a killer, but he acts almost like a murderer (a killer) in this case. The influence of TV is a little bit scary! (But remember, it's just a joke, not a real story. Right?)

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a big sale. Can you imagine all the eager customers waiting outside for the store to open early in the morning? What would happen if one person tries to "cut" to the front of the line? In this story, we'll find out. Enjoy!

It was the day of the big sale. (1) Rumorsof the sale and some advertising in (2) the local paperwere the main reason for the long line that formed (3) by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, (4) amid loud and (5) colorful curses. On the man's second (6) attempt, he was punched (7) square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, (8) "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"

(1) something people say, even if it's not true (but many people believe it's true) (2) a small newspaper (3) before that time (4) with loud voices all around ("mid" in "amid" means "in the middle") (5) bad language (6) try (7) directly on the part of his face below his mouth (8) "that's the end!"

Explanation: Only with the man's last sentence do we realize he is not cutting to the front of the line. He actually works there and he wants to

[sajjad1973]

Is it really necessary to learn English? This joke will help answer that question. Enjoy!

Three (1) mice are being (2) chasedby a cat. The mice were (3) cornered when one of the mice turned around and (4) barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away (5) scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, (6) it pays to be (7) bilingual!"

(1) plural of "mouse" (1 mouse, 2 mice) (2) the cat ran after the mice (3) trapped - the mice could not move (4) made a sound like a dog (5) afraid (6) it is good, as good as getting money! (7) able to speak two languages

Explanation: You never know when speaking another language can be valuable. The mice learned that in this story. Some day, you will learn the value of being able to speak English well. So, keep on going! (*_^)

[sajjad1973]

This joke shows how you can explain simple problems if you ever have to talk to a doctor in English. The ending, as usual, is a bit of a surprise. Enjoy
!

A man went to the doctor and (1) explained, "Doctor, wherever I (2) touch, (3) it hurts." The doctor asked, "What do you mean?" The man said, "When I touch my (4) shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my (5) knee - OUCH! When I touch my (6) forehead, the pain is (7) excruciating." The doctor said, "I know what's wrong with you - you've (8) broken your finger!"

(1) he told the doctor his problem (2) puts his finger (3) he feels pain (4) the top of your arm, it connects your arm to your body (5) the middle of your leg, it lets your leg bend (6) the top of your face, above your eyes (7) very, very painful (8) the bone in his finger is broken

[sajjad1973]

This is a joke about a difficult choice. Imagine a store where a man can buy a wife! In the end, it makes fun of men.

..

A store that sells wives opened where a man may go to choose a wife from among many women. The store has six floors, and the women increase in (1) positive attributes as the shopper (2) ascends. There is however, (3) a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except (4) to exit the building. No stopping on any lower floors. A man went to the shopping center one day to find a wife. On the first floor, the women have jobs. The man read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I (5) wonder what's further up?" So, up he went. On the second floor, the women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiled to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good-looking. "Hm, better!" he said. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" (6) exclaimed the man, "Very (7) tempting. But there must be more, much more, further up!" He (8) headed upanother (9) flight. On the fifth floor, the women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking, do all the housework and don't complain or (10) nag about anything. "(11) Hot damn! How close to perfect can you get?" the man said. "But just think what must be (12) awaiting me on the final floor." So, up to the sixth floor he went. The sixth floor has a sign that reads: You are visitor 133,956,779 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists (13) solelyas (14) proof that men are impossible (15) to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.

(1) good things they have or do (2) goes up (3) a limit or a small problem (4) to go out (5) to think (6) to say loudly or with excitement (7) it makes him want to try (8) to start to go up (9) one set of stairs (10) ask her husband many times to do many things (11) this expression shows excitement (12) waiting for (13) only (14) showing that something is true (15) to make and keep happy

[sajjad1973]

This joke is very short and very easy, but it shows how real mistakes can be made when speaking English. Enjoy!

Bob told Betty that he had (1) an acquaintancewith (2) a wooden leg named Smith. So Betty asked him "That's very (3) curious. What was the name of his other leg?"

(1) somebody he knows, but not very well like a friend (2) a fake leg (not real) - he must have lost his leg in a bad accident (3) a little bit strange

Explanation: Bob should have said he had "an acquaintance named Smith with a wooden leg". The way he said it, it seems the wooden leg's name is Smith!

[sajjad1973]

This joke shows the weak points of both engineers and managers. I think the engineer wins in the end! Enjoy the story

A man is flying in (1) a hot air balloonand (2) realizes he is lost. He(3) reduceshis (4) altitude and (5) spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon,(6) hovering(7) approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north (8) latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west (9) longitude." "You (10) must be anengineer" says the balloonist. "I am" replies the man. "How did you know." "Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea (11) what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost." The man below says "You must be a manager." "I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you(12) expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow (13) my fault."

(1) a big balloon full of hot gas that flies - people can stand in a basket tied to the balloon (2) understands (3) makes smaller or lower (4) height (how high the balloon is) (5) sees (6) hanging in the air without moving (7) about, not exactly (8) how far north or south (9) how far east or west (10) he has a reason to think that (11) how to understand or how to use (12) wait for me (13) because of my mistake (even if he made no mistake!)

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about three elderly (older) men who think they can hear perfectly. What do you think

Three (1) retirees, each with (2) a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One (3) remarkedto the other, (4) "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man (5) chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

(1) elderly people who have finished working (they have "retired") (2) they can not hear as well as they could when they were younger (3) he said something about what he saw (4) there is a lot of wind (5) he said happily

Explanation: The second man thought "Windy" was Wednesday (so he replied "No, it's Thursday") then the third man thought "Thursday" was "thirsty" (so he thought of drinking some beer!). I guess their hearing is not as good as they think!

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about an ordinary soldier talking to a General. He tried to be careful with his words, but he slipped up (he made a mistake) at the end. Enjoy

It was a dark, (1) stormy, night. The soldier was on his first (2) assignment, and it was (3) guard duty. A (4) General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The (5) nervous young (6) Private jumped to (7) attention, made a perfect (8) salute, and (9) snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the Private (10) wasn't going to disagree with the General, so he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!". The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find (11) soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog (12) to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good (13) trade Sir!"

(1) with lots of rain and maybe lightning and thunder (2) a job (3) he had to stand outside all night to watch for trouble (4) the top person in an army (5) worried, a little bit afraid (6) the lowest person in an army, an ordinary soldier (7) standing straight and tall, ready for anything (8) a sign with his hand held up to his forehead (9) spoke loudly and clearly (10) he had to agree! (11) make him feel calm (12) to teach (13) an exchange

Explanation: When the General said "I got this dog for my wife", the soldier thought the General got rid of his wife (he gave his wife to somebody else) and got the dog in exchange! The soldier is saying this as a compliment, as something good - the General is very smart to trade his wife for such a beautiful dog! Do you think the General would agree or disagree with the soldier???