ENGLISH JOKES

[A M ! N]

? hi Sajjadd . your jokes are always funny. about the last one , i think it gotta be a twisted made-up joke from the Einstein's real story , ha

[ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]

[sajjad1973]

This kind of joke, about people dying and going to heaven, is common in English. Nobody knows what heaven is really like, so we can make up any story. This is a strange idea of heaven, but with a funny ending. Enjoy

Three men died and went to (1) heaven. They had a nice time there, (2) bobbing around on the clouds, but they eventually (3) got bored of each other and went off (4) on their own for (5) a bit. When they joined up again, the first man brought with him an old, ugly and smelly woman, with a horrible, (6) cackly laugh. The others asked, "What happened?" He replied, "I (7) stepped on a pink cloud." They (8) went their separate ways again. The next time they met up, the second man (9) was accompanied by a (10) foul, (11) fearsome woman, who (12) stank so badly they all (13) gagged. The others asked, "What happened?" The second man replied, "I stepped on a pink cloud." They went their ways again, and the next time they met up, the third man brought with him a beautiful young woman, so (14) radiant they all stared. She was like a goddess! The others asked, "What happened?" This time, the woman replied, "I stepped on a pink cloud."

where good people go when they die (1) (2) moving up and down, as in water (3) they became not interested (they "lost" interest) (4) alone, each man by himself (5) for a short time (6) a loud, broken laugh in a high voice (7) walked on (8) went by themselves (9) was with her (10) dirty and smelly (11) big, angry and dangerous! (12) smelled VERY bad (13) they choked (they could not breathe) (14) very bright, like a star

[sajjad1973]

Bats, which are black, furry animals that fly in the night, cannot see well. This joke is about two "vampire" bats who, according to stories, like to drink blood! In this story, one bat finds some blood, but he has some trouble. The joke uses "understatement" - the bat explains how he found blood, and his trouble, in a very simple way which leads to a surprise. Enjoy!

Two (1) vampire bats woke up in the middle of the night, (2) thirsty for (3) blood. One said, "Let's fly out of (4) the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," said the second one. "It's (5) dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replied, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." So, he (6) flew out of the cave. When he returned, he was (7) covered with blood. The second bat said excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat took (8) his buddy to (9) the mouth of the cave. (10) Pointing into the night, he asked, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answered. "Well," explained the first bat, "I didn't."

(1) bats that like to drink blood (2) they want to drink (3) the red stuff inside all people and animals (4) a big hole in a mountain, where many bats live (5) it was night time, so there was no light (6) past of "fly" (7) he had blood all over his body and all over his head (8) his friend (9) the entrance (10) showing the way with his finger (or for a bat, with his wing!)

The bat must be in pain, but he explains so calmly. That makes the ending a surprise, which makes it funny.

[sajjad1973]

This story takes place near my hometown, in Niagara Falls, which is one of the largest water falls in the world. Enjoy

After completing a highly dangerous(1) tightrope walk over Niagara Falls in terrible wind and rain, 'The Great Zumbrati' was met by an enthusiastic (2) supporter, who (3) urgedhim to make (4) a return trip, this time pushing (5) a wheelbarrow, which(6) the spectator had thoughtfully brought along. The Great Zumbrati was (7) reluctant, (8) given the terrible conditions, but the supporter (9) pressed him, "You can do it, I know you can," he urged. "Do you really believe I can do it?" asked Zumbrati. "Yes, definitely. You can do it!" the supporter (10) gushed. "Okay," said Zumbrati, "Get in the wheelbarrow..."

(1) a rope pulled tight enough to walk on (2) a person who cheers for him, who hopes for him to succeed (3) encouraged him (4) to go back to the other side (5) a tool with one wheel in front and two handles for a worker to carry (6) the watcher (in this case, the supporter) (7) not sure, slow to act (8) because of (9) pushed him (10) spoke quickly, his word like water "gushing" out

[sajjad1973]

This is a short joke, but it has a lot of good, descriptive words that students should learn. .

The (1) graveside (2) service (3) just barely finished, when there was a tremendous (4) bolt of lightning, followed by (5) massive (6) clap of (7) thunder, (8) accompanied by even more thunder (9) rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at (10) the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, (11) she's there.'

(1) next to where the woman was being put into the ground (2) a ceremony (usually called "a funeral") (3) very closely, only a few seconds ago (4) one big stroke of light from the sky during a storm (5) very, very big (6) a very loud noise (7) the noise that comes after lightning, during a storm (8) together with (9) a loud noise that continues (10) a priest who is leading the ceremony (11) she has arrived

Explanation: When we read about this kind of ceremony, we think of peace. The woman who passed away is finally "resting in peace" (RIP). At the end, we read about a little old man and imagine the woman was probably a little old woman. But then we are surprised when the little old man connects the lightning and thunder with his wife. From that one sentence, we can guess that she must have been a very tough woman - tough enough even to cause a storm in heaven!

[sajjad1973]

This joke shows two possible ways of being "smart" or "intelligent". It compares what you KNOW to what you CAN DO. Enjoy!

A man once had an old boat, which he used (1) to ferry people across the river. One day, he was taking a university professor to the other side. “What is (2) seven times seven?” asked the professor. “I don’t know,” answered the man. “Well, how do you (3) spell elephant?” asked the professor. “I (4) have no idea,” replied the man. “Didn’t you study anything at school?” (5) demanded the professor, surprised. “No,” said the man. “Then you have (6) wasted half your life,” said the professor. The man was silent for a little while. Then he said, “Can you swim?” “No,” said the professor. “Then you have wasted ALL of your life. We are (7) sinking.”

(1) to go across a river and come back again (2) 7 X 7 = 49 (3) to spell a word means "what letters do you use to write it" ("elephant" is spelled e - l - e - p - h - a - n - t) (4) I don't know (5) to ask strongly (6) to not use well (7) going under water

So, in the end, who is smarter? The university professor who cannot swim or the simple man who can swim?

[sajjad1973]

This joke is about a man who has a clever, but not very honest, idea. See how this gets him into trouble in the end. Enjoy


!

A (1)butcher, who (2) had had a (3) particularly good day, proudly (4) flipped his last chicken on (5) a scale and weighed it. "That will be (6) £6.35," he told the customer. "That's a good price, but it really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger?" (7) Hesitating, but thinking fast, the butcher returned the chicken to the (8) refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said (9) faintly, " will be £6.65." The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. (10) "I know what," she said, "I'll take both of them!"

(1) a man who cuts meat and sells it (2) this is the "past perfect tense" - he had a good day BEFORE this story happened (3) quite good (4) threw up onto the counter (5) a small tool that shows how heavy something is (6) you should read this as "six pounds, thirty-five pence" (7) he stopped for a very short time (8) a place to keep food cold (9) softly (10) "I know what I want to do"

[sajjad1973]

This joke is a "dumb blonde" joke. Many people believe that blonde-haired woman are prettier and more popular than women with dark hair. Does this mean they are also not as smart? Some people believe so, but maybe those people are just jealous - they want to be as popular as women with blonde hair! This joke makes fun of blonde women, even if it's not very fair. Enjoy!

A group of (1) blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells (2) the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. (3) The gals lift their glasses and (4) toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they (5) proceed to (6) down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks. The bartender says, (7) "I don't get it. (8) Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a (9) jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box (10) '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"

(1) women with yellow or "golden" hair (2) the person who makes drinks in a bar and serves customers (3) the women ("gal" is slang for "girl") (4) to make a cheer or a wish such as "Here's to your health" (5) to move forward or to continue (6) to drink, usually quickly (the drink goes down their throats) (7) "I don't understand" (8) "for what possible reason?" (9) a puzzle where a picture is cut into many pieces, then you have to put the pieces together again (10) it is for children aged 2 years to 4 years!

Explanation: Not only do the women misunderstand the phrase "2 to 4 years", it also seems they had difficulty putting the puzzle together. Fifty-one days is a looooooong time for a children's puzzle. (I used to do jigsaw puzzles with 3000 or 5000 pieces. Now THOSE took many weeks to finish.)

[sajjad1973]

This joke teaches many things - how to choose a bathing suit, how to keep your wife happy, how to end a marriage. Enjoy

!

A woman told this story: While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed (1) a display of (2) bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and (3) twenty pounds since I had even (4) considered buying a bathing suit, so I (5) sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get (6) a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never (7) get it all in one..' He's still in (8) intensive care.

(1) showing many clothes in a store (2) clothes we wear to go swimming (3) she weighed 20 pounds less (about 8 kilograms) ten years before (4) thought about (5) past of "seek" = to look for (6) a bathing suit with two pieces, for women (7) get her body into the bathing suit (8) a part of a hospital where very, very, VERY sick people stay

Explanation: Although she calmly described her situation, the woman must have been VERY unhappy with her husband's answer. The lesson is clear. Men, be careful when you give your wife advice!

[sajjad1973]

This story uses the present tense which makes it seem like a "live" story, as if we are watching a movie or TV program. See if you can guess the surprise ending this time

!

The scene is a newspaper office. (2) The editor says to one of his reporters: "There's a fire (3) raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And(4) above all, get some good (5) shots. If that means you have to (6) hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about (7) the expense." So, the reporter calls the airport and orders a plane. He (8) rushes out to the airport, (9) spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: "Let's go, (10) take off". As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to (11) altitude, and the reporter then tells him: "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can". (12) Incredulous, the pilot says: "You want me to fly over that fire?" "Sure, the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here - to take (13) dramatic shots of the fire!" The pilot looks over with a (14) quizzical look on his face and says: "You're not (15) the flight instructor?"

(1) the situation, just like the opening scene of a movie (2) the person who makes decisions in a newspaper (3) "rage" = great anger, so a raging fire is burning wildly, as if it is very angry (4) the most important thing (5) photos (we "shoot" photographs) (6) pay money to rent a plane for a short time (7) the cost (8) hurries (9) sees (10) when an airplane leaves, it goes up into the air (11) high in the sky (12) unable to believe something (13) exciting photos (as in a "drama") (14) confused - he does not understand (15) someone who teaches people how to fly airplanes

Explanation: The reporter must have gotten in the wrong airplane! The pilot is just a student. He knew how to take off but does he know how to land the airplane (bring it back down) without a teacher? (*o*)