by ANDREW WILLIAMS - Thursday, October 16, 2008
Comedian Alan Carr, 32, is best known for his double act with Justin Lee Collins on Channel 4's Sunday Night Project. His big break came as a warm-up man for Friday Night With Jonathan Ross but he now has his own game show, C4's Celebrity Ding Dong, and a radio programme. His autobiography, Look Who It Is!, is out now, published by Harper Collins.
Your book is really funny, which is unusual for a comedian’s autobiography, how did you manage that?
I deliberately wanted it to be entertaining because critics sometimes say I'm not actually funny, it's just my face and voice that make people laugh, so I wanted the book to be two fingers up to them. You can’t say that the font was camp or the punctuation was tongue-in-cheek.
Did you learn anything about yourself from writing the book?
My school days were really tough but they’re some of the funniest parts of the book. It was good to find, looking back, something that was so grim at the time had so many funny moments. I also laughed at all the s***ty jobs I used to do – I started thinking packing boxes wasn’t so bad, at which point I slapped myself round the face. Sometimes the glasses can be a bit too rose tinted.
What was the worst job you have ever had?
I had a job cleaning car parts with methylated spirits. It was cash in hand and I didn’t have gloves or a mask. I sat in the corner getting high on the fumes that were turning my brain to mush but at least I could walk off and have a cup of tea. Working in the Barclaycard call centre was like being in the Big Brother house, you were watched all the time and had to write down if you went for a wee or a poo.
You say you didn’t realise you were camp until you saw a video of yourself at school. That must have been a revelation.
It was. I don’t watch myself on the telly now because I’m still shocked. In my head, I’m like Tom Selleck as Magnum but it turns out I’m different in real life.
Were there are any clues before you saw the video?
The clues were people shouting ‘faggot’, ‘bender’ and ‘poof’ but I didn’t put two and two together.
Steven Seagal was quite rude. The first thing he said to me and Justin was: ‘Are you two f***ing?’
What’s the worst gig you’ve done?
Anything at Maidstone Up The Creek. I’m pleased to say it’s closed down now. They hated me. I never lasted more than 7 minutes. It was full of homophobic narrow minded morons. It wasn’t just me, if you were black or Asian you got racist abuse, if you were a woman you got ‘show us your tits.’ I better be careful in case I’m doing a book signing there…but I suppose I’ll be alright as half the people in Maidstone can’t read.
You make some slightly mean comments about Paul Newman in your book. That’s bad timing.
It’s the worst timing. The publishers said: ‘That Paul Newman thing’s a bit harsh,’ and I said: ‘As long as he doesn’t die before the book comes out, it’ll be fine.’ He died on the Sunday, the book was out the Monday and now I look evil.
Who is the rudest celebrity you’ve met?
Steven Seagal was quite rude when he came on The Friday Night Project. The first thing he said to me and Justin was: ‘Are you two f***ing?’
When does the chat show start?
The chat show is part of the deal with Channel 4 but I’m doing Ding Dong again, Sunday Night Project, this book, a radio show, it won’t be happening for at least a year. I was shocked to read in News of the World that I was quoted as saying 'I'm was going to ask questions Jonathan Ross is too scared to' which is amazing as he’s pretty near the knuckle. The demand’s there but give me a break, I’ve just written a f***ing book
Do you secretly hate Justin?
Apparently, there’s been stuff on a gossip website that I hate him and he resents me. I heard about that when we were sitting in a jacuzzi together on holiday, sipping champagne. We do our stuff live so it doesn’t make sense for people to say that.
You’ve said that g.ays hate you, why’s that?
I was in a bad mood and I can’t control my mouth. I’d read somewhere that someone said I was a bad role model for g.ays. I just moaned ‘g.ays hate me’ but they don’t. There’s a minority that think being camp is bad for g.ays but it’s usually people in checked shirts and handlebar moustaches saying it, as if they’re not camp themselves.Haven’t they got mirrors on Hampstead Heath?
What’s the best thing about coming from Northampton?
Seeing Junction 15 in the rear-view mirror.
What’s the secret of your success?
What you see is what you get. Although I was p***ed off recently to see a charity mugger slagged me off for being rude to him. I hate them, though. If they want to do so much for charity, why are they taking £7 an hour to bother people in their lunch break? White people with dreadlocks should be shot anyway and shouldn’t act all upbeat when they’ve been hanging around the streets all day in the p***ing rain. The secret of my success is being so likeable, ha ha.
Have you ever had a supernatural experience?
When I did the ouija board with my mum we used to get dead people responding. One called my mum a s*ut and then a chopping board flew off the wall. When the blood started coming through the wall, we decided to knock it on the head
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