خرید لپ تاپ استوک
ماهان سرور
آکوستیک ، فوم شانه تخم مرغی ، پنل صداگیر ، یونولیت
دستگاه جوجه کشی حرفه ای
فروش آنلاین لباس کودک
خرید فالوور ایرانی
خرید فالوور اینستاگرام
خرید ممبر تلگرام
[ + افزودن آگهی متنی جدید ]
A JokeJokeVisitor-“how old are you, son?Boston Boy-“that’s hard to say, sir. According to my latest school tests, I have psychological age of 11 and a moral age of 10. Anatomically, I am 7, mentally, I am 9. But I suppose you refer to my chronological age. That’s 8. But nobody pays attention to that, these days
Plenty of selected Jokes just for you - Moved
These Jokes Are Moved From " t=201374 " To Here ///
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...!!!"
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10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. (just kidding, not in Iran!)
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished
.gif "N Aggressive (33)")
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What Movies Have Taught Us
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10) The entire British population lives in London.
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
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Florida
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida.
In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
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Selling Vacuum Cleaners
A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Quote of Wisdom
"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me." --Jack Handy
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Sherlock and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
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Cowboy and Bible
The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
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The Short of a Story!
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
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Important Q n' A's
Kids Answers to those important questions
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have --- with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
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Floppy Disk Care
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time.
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes.
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data.
8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk.
9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading..gif "N Aggressive (4)")
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Scheming...
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
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Baseball in Heaven
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
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Humor Just for Women
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
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Cat in Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives... from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending over are delicious. "
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Afraid Little Boy
A little boy was afraid of dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. you don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him." she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
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God's Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Torah
__ Bible
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Friend or Relative
__ Other: ____________
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Horoscope
__ Fortune cookies
__ Self-help books
__ Biorythms
__ Mantras
__ Insurance policies
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Ann Landers
__ Other: ____________
__ None
God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
Selected Jokes
"Smooth Operator"
Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look- alike apologized, "Pardon me!"
"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."
"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"
She winked at him and said, "Three."
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Not Wanted
Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."
"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the 'Principal'."
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Insurance
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.
"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."
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Sunday School Lesson
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
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World's Easiest Quiz?
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
Answers:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George V's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange, of course.
he he he he... idiots...
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State Capitals
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
LOL
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Listening
The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher
"A teacher!" : p
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Grenades
Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba.
"We'll just lie and tell them we only found two." : p
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Dog Wisdom
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
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Babies
My five year old daughter asked me the question I'd been dreading. "Mommy , how are babies made?" I did my best to explain but she still looked confused.
"What about kittens? She asked.
"Well it's exactly then same way, " I said.
"Wow!" she said excitedly. "My daddy can do anything" : D
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Identity
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." : D
Quiz Show Answers
The Weakest Link
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant: Bombay.
Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. Robinson: Wh...? Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...? Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Lincs FM phone-in
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
Steve Wright Show, Radio 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India.
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
This Morning
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that.
BBC Radio Newcastle
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four.
BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked?
National Lottery Jet Set
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico?
:{D
Internet Lingo
The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.
AYPI: And Your Point Is?
AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?
BEG: Big Evil Grin
HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding
TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF!
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Getting Gray?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" :p
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Thinking fast, by kids in grade school
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
---
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
:p
thank u very much dear Cleeev
I hope u continue sending jokes
sure lets hopeee sooo lol
could you please help me to understand the following jok i was
reading because it seem s a little bit complecated to understand
it and what is the moral of it ?
Gal (to the shopkeeper) :- What's the price of this dress.
Shopkeeper - Just 4 kiss.
Gal - And what about this dress?
Shopkeeper - 10 kisses.
Gal :- Pack the both, my grandmother will pay the bill.
well, about the meaning:
"Gal" here means a young girl. The shop keeper is trying to get the young and most probably hot customer to kiss him in exchange for the dress.
The girl says that her old grand-mother will pay the price, meaning that shopkeeper can get his kisses from the old lady
Undocumented Windows Errors
Undocumented Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 580,312,583 Bytes available
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