ENGLISH JOKES

[Ramana]

Subject: Letter of an NIOC employee in English !!!!

When an iranian writes in english

This letter was written by an employee of the NIOC National, about
fifty years ago. Someone pulled it out of the archive for laughs. But the
name of the person who wrote this letter has been erased for secrecy.

Dear Mr. Hamilton,
Hello sir, "I am your servent, very very much".

I am writing to you because "all the way to the handle of the knife has
reached my bone. "My hands grab your skirt", Mr. Hamilton, "Please reach my
scream", Mr. Hamiton, "from the hands of this man, Ahmady" . I don't know
"what a wet wood I have sold him" that from the very first day he has been
"pulling the belt to my lift" With all kinds of "cat dancing" he has tried
to become the "eye and the light" of Mr.Wilson.

He made so much "mouse running" that finally Mr.Wilson "became donkey" , and
appointed Mr.Ahmadi as his right hand man, and told me to work "under his
hand"

Mr.Wilson promised me that next year he would make me his right hand man,
but "my eye didn't not drink water", and I knew that all these were "hat
play", and he was trying to put a "hat on my head" I "put the seal of
silence to my lips" and did not say anything. Since that he was just
"putting watermelon under my arms" Knowing that this transfer was only "good
for his aunt" , I started begging him to forget that I ever came to see him
and forget my visit altogether. I said "you saw camel, you did not see
camel" ... .but he was not "getting of the devils donkey".. ."what headache
shall I give you" I am now forced to work in the mail house with bunch of
"blind, bald, height and half height" people. "Imagine how much my ass
burns"

Now Mr.Hamilton, "I turn around your head" you are my only hope and my "back
and shelter"... ."I swear you to the 14 innocents" please "do some work for
me"...."in the resurrection day l'll grasp your skirt"... "I have six head
bread eaters" I kiss your hand and
Leg "

Your servant

[Ramana]

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.
In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here

[Ramana]

Good Wan! Good One!

Good Wan! (Good One!)"

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak toanyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?

Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'mSaw Ree ..

Caller: Oh ......God!!! !

[Ramana]

innocent A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
bee."



DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."



MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
away by now."



DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
on the place you were stung."



MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was
sitting under a tree"



DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
part of your body did that bee sting."


MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts"



DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
"Which one?"


MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the
same to me."

[Ramana]

Joke

Penguin

A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.

He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"

The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.

The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.

The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"

The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House

[Ramana]

joke

McDonald, who was very sad,met his friend Sandy in the street.He said to his friend,"I cannot make up my mind whether to marry a wealthy widow whom i don't love or a poor girl whom i love very much.
Sandy said,"My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
"You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
"In that case,can you give me the widow's address?

sad غمگین
I cannot make up my mind نمیتونم تصمیم بگیرم
widow بیوه
to meet(met,met) ملاقات کردن
whom که
to advise نصیحت کردن
heart قلب
in that case در اینصورت
whether آیا
to listen گوش دادن
you are right تو راست می گویی

[Ramana]

Dumb and Dumber On vacation in Hawaii, my stepmom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

[Ramana]

Dumb and Dumber On vacation in Hawaii, my stepmom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

[Ramana]

I have "great" news for you

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

[Ramana]

Nice Jokes for Nice People

1)“Aunt Mary has a new baby,” a mother told her small daughter. “What was
wrong with the old one?” answered the little girl.

2)Dad- “Son, I’m spanking you because I love you.” Son-“I’d sure like to be big enough to return your love.”

3) “Why are you crying, little girl?” “Cause my brother has holidays and I don’t.” “Well, why don’t you have holidays?” “Because I don’t go to school yet.”

4) “Mommy, do you love me?” “Of course” “Then why not divorce daddy and marry candy man?”

5)A boy was about to purchase a seat for a movie. The box-office man asked,” Why aren’t you at school?” “Oh, it’s all right sir,” said the youngster earnestly.” I’ve got measles.”