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نام تاپيک: ENGLISH JOKES

  1. #251
    پروفشنال Ramana's Avatar
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    Catch a Rabbit


    The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
    The CIA goes in.
    They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
    The FBI goes in.
    After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
    The LAPD goes in.
    They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit

  2. این کاربر از Ramana بخاطر این مطلب مفید تشکر کرده است


  3. #252
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    Facts about Old Men and Women


    Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
    A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
    Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
    A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
    Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
    A: She should tell him she's with child.
    Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
    A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
    Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
    A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
    Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
    A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
    Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
    A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
    Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
    A: On top of their heads.
    Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
    A: 'Gee, I have one of these

  4. #253
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    How strange can a language be?
    There is no egg in an eggplant. It doesn't look or taste like an egg
    .
    There is no ham in a hamburger
    .
    There is no pine nor apple in a pineapple
    .
    Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat
    .
    English muffins were not invented in England and French fries were not invented in France, so where did such names come from
    ?
    Some names seem to describe the opposite of what the things really are:
    Quicksand pulls you down slowly.
    Boxing rings are square.
    A Guinea pig is not from Guinea and it is not a member of the pig family
    .
    Some examples of why you cannot blindly follow English grammar rules:
    If writers write and painters paint and riders ride, then why don't fingers fing or hammers ham?
    If the plural of tooth is teeth and the plural of goose is geese, then shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth and the plural of moose be meese? Maybe they should be, but they aren't.
    If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?
    If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what do you think a humanitarian eats?
    How can a house that is burning up finally end in being burned down?
    At a bank or loan office, how can you fill in the necessary information as you fill out the forms?
    Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible?
    Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
    Why do people park on driveways but drive on parkways?
    Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
    Answer: I simply don't know

  5. #254
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    A sweet joke
    /* /*]]>*/What would you like to have; fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or coffee?"

    "Tea, please."

    "Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"

    "Ceylon tea."

    "How would you like it? Black or white?"

    "White."

    "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"

    "With milk, please."

    "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?"

    "With cow milk, please."

    "Milk from Friesland cow or African cow?"

    "Um, I'll take it black."

    "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

    "With sugar, please."

    "Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

    "Cane sugar, please."

    "White, brown or yellow sugar?"

    "Forget about tea, just give me a glass of water instead."

    "Mineral water or still water?"

    "Mineral water, please."

    "Flavored or non-flavored? "

    "I'd rather die of thirst


  6. #255
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    A wonderful story

    A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

    Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

    Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

    Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

    Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

    Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

    Young cock :

    OK. What kind of competition?

    Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

    Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

    Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

    Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

    Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

  7. #256
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    Principles of Life

  8. #257
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    Stupid Questions with the Smart Answers
    BOY : May I hold your hand?
    GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
    GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
    BOY : You love me...
    GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
    BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
    GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
    BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
    GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
    BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
    BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
    GIRL : How soon??
    BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
    GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
    SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
    TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
    MAN : You remind me of the sea.
    WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
    MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
    WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
    HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
    MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
    PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
    Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
    Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
    Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
    Pupil : "The moon".
    Teacher : "Why?"
    Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it"
    Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
    Pupil : "A teacher".
    Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
    Customer : "What other colors do you have?
    Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
    Sam : "It's a family tradition".
    Teacher : "What do you mean?"
    Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
    Teacher : "What about your mother?"
    Sam : "She's a woman".
    Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
    David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
    Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
    Student : "Brotherly love".
    Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
    Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
    Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
    Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
    Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
    One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
    Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
    One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand

  9. #258
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    One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
    Dear Boss
    In thi$ life, we all need$ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you$hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given$o much$upport including$weat and$ervice to your company.
    I am$ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond$oon.
    Your$$incerely,
    Norman $hah
    The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
    DearNOrman
    I kNOw you have been working very hard.NOwadays,NOthing much has changed. You must haveNOticed that our company isNOt doingNOticeably well as yet.
    NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists areNOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After theNOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
    I haveNOthing more to addNOw. You kNOw what I mean.

  10. #259
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    jokes
    Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?

    Husband : Nothing.
    Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
    Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

    **********

    Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
    A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.

    **********

    Wife : Do you want dinner?
    Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
    Wife : Yes and no.

    **********

    Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
    Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
    Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
    Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

    **********

    Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
    Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
    Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

    **********

    Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
    Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
    Son: But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.


    **********

    A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
    "Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

    **********


    Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
    Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
    Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
    Millionaire: " A Billionaire"

    **********

    Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
    The guy replies: Thanks for the warning .

    **********

    A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my ---- body?"
    He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

  11. #260
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    Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

    Answer: Princess

    Diana's death.


    Question: How come?


    Answer:

    An English princess with

    an Egyptian boyfriend

    crashes in a French

    tunnel, driving a

    German car

    with a Dutch engine,

    driven by a Belgian

    who was drunk

    on Scottish whisky,

    (check the bottle before you change the spelling),

    followed closely by

    Italian Paparazzi,

    on Japanese motorcycles;

    treated by an American doctor, using

    Brazilian medicines.


    This is sent to you by

    An Iranian,

    using Bill Gates's technology,

    and you're probably reading this on your computer,

    that uses Taiwanese

    chips, and a

    Korean monitor,

    assembled by

    Bangladeshi workers

    in a Singapore plant,

    transported by Indian

    lorry-drivers,

    hijacked by Indonesians,

    unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

    and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....



    That, my friends, is Globalization

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