ENGLISH JOKES

[محمد88]

Officer: You were speeding
Man: No, I wasn't
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket
Man: But I wasn't speeding
(Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk
Officer: Yes, you would
Man: What if I just thought that you were
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk

[محمد88]

.Fred is 32 years old and he is still single
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much
?"The friend said, "Then what's the problem
."Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her

[محمد88]

Homework

.A teacher is talking to a student
?Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework
.Student: No, he did it all by himself

[محمد88]

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything

".The doctor say "Your dog is dead
.The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist
"?What! $325? How's that possible"
".It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan"

[محمد88]

.A teacher asked a student to write 55

?Student asked: How
!Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5
.The student wrote 5 and stopped
?teacher: What are you waiting for
!student: I don't know which side to write the other 5

[محمد88]

?Teacher: Why are you late
.Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill
?Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it
!!Student: No. I was standing on it

[محمد88]

".A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts
"?The doctor asks, "What do you mean
The man says, When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts
".The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger

[محمد88]

!A: I'm in a big trouble
?B: Why is that
!A: I saw a mouse in my house
.B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap
.A: I don't have one
.B: Well then, buy one
.A: Can't afford one
.B: I can give you mine if you want
.A: That sounds good
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap
.A: I don't have any cheese
.B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap
.A: I don't have oil
.B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread
.A: I don't have bread
?!B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house

[brain]

Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian,
spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub.
One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three.
The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door.
The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it

[محمد88]

?Son: Dad, what is an idiot
?? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me
!!Son: No