ENGLISH JOKES

[A r c h i]

A semester in university or college.

very New semester:I


After 1st week:


After the 2nd week:


Before the mid-term test:




During the mid-term test:




After the mid-term test:






Before the final exam


Once get to know the final exam schedule:


7 days before the final exam:



l

6days before the final exam:


5 days before the final exam:


4 days before the final exam:


3 days before the final exam:

2 days before the final exam
:

1 day before the final exam:


The night before the final exam:


1 hour before the final exam


During the final exam:


Once walk out from the examination hall:


After the final exam, during the holiday:




That's college!!l

[mir@]

funny

very New semester:I

After 1st week:


After the 2nd week:


Before the mid-term test:


During the mid-term test:


After the mid-term test:

Before the final exam
:

Once get to know the final exam schedule:


7 days before the final exam:

6 days before the final exam:


5 days before the final exam:


4 days before the final exam:


3 days before the final exam:


2 days before the final exam
:

1 day before the final exam:


The night before the final exam:


1 hour before the final exam
:

During the final exam:


Once walk out from the examination hall:


After the final exam, during the holiday:


That's college!! l

Dear Azadeh,

You cannot put the address of an image from your mail inbox in the [IMG] tag

[A r c h i]

Dear Azadeh,

You cannot put the address of an image from your mail inbox in the [IMG] tag

Thanks @mir,
I uploaded the pics some where else l

[mir@]

Thanks @mir,
I uploaded the pics some where else l

It must have been a tedious task! Many thanks Azi.
So much funny

[c0dest0rm]

Before Marriage:

He: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!


After Marriage:

Now read this from bottom to top.

[unartig]

Female Comebacks!

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Wom an: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: I can't get you out of my mind.
Women: You are out of your mind.

Man: You are my baby.
Women: Right, You are old enough to be by grand dad.

Man: You took my breath away.
Women: How come you're still breathing.


Man: You took my breath away.
Women: Impossible since you have bad breath.

[Antonio Andolini]

WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

BARACK OBAMA: CHANGE! The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. JEREMIAH (NOT-SO) WRIGHT:
Because it is a white American Chicken, infected with AIDS, crossing the road to repress and exploit the black man and possibly to blow up the World Trade Towers . America 's chickens are coming home to roost. That's scriptural. It's in the Bible!!
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens

Source:CTH

[A r c h i]

Interviewer: what s ur qualification? Akbar : Sir I am Ph.d. Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d? Akbar : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY

[Antonio Andolini]

Originally posted by tramtwo on October 15th, 2000 ~ worth a repost, in CTH though:

After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the
students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would be returned.

The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?"

The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."

[Antonio Andolini]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."