ENGLISH JOKES

[Greight]

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary
!!
!

Dear Boss

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $hah

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply :

Dear NOrman

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean

[Greight]

School Jokes

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back there tomorrow?

Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb "to sing"?
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER: " Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Student: Sir, what is an idiot?
Teacher: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Student: No.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk...
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run...

S1: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
S2: Really? What was it?
S1: Eggs.
S2: No, that was yesterday!

Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself!

Teacher: What are some products of the North of Iran?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get tea from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor

[Greight]

Teacher: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Teacher: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born!
معلم: پدرت چند سالشه؟
پسر بچه: همسن خودم.
معلم: چطور چنين چيزی ممکنه؟
پسر: همينکه من به دنيا اومدم، اون هم پدر شد!


Teacher: Kumar, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Kumar: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
معلم: کومار، انشائی که درباره "سگ من" نوشتی دقيقا مثل انشاء برادرته. از روی اون نوشتی؟
کومار: نه آقا، هر دو درباره يک سگ نوشتيم!


Girl: "Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
Mother: "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"
Girl: "She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
دختربچه: مامان، معلممون امروز ازم پرسيد خواهر يا برادر ديگه ای ندارم که بخواد مدرسه بياد.
مادر: معلوم ميشه خيلی مهربونه که همچين علاقه ای نشون ميده. خب وقتی بهش گفتی تنها بچه ما هستی، چی گفت؟
دختر: فقط گفت: «خدا رو شکر!»


Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Student: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Student: "No hair, Sir."
معلم: تو چرا هيچوقت موهات رو شونه نميکنی؟
شاگرد: شونه ندارم، آقا.
مغلم: خوب از شونه پدرت استفاده کن.
شاگرد: مو نداره، آقا!


Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How?
Student: Ladies first.
معلم: اين جمله را درست کن: «گاو نر و گاو ماده در حال چريدن در مرتع است.»
شاگرد: گاو ماده و گاو نر در حال چريدن در مرتع است.
معلم: چطور؟
شاگرد: خانمها مقدمند!


TEACHER: John, go to the map and find North America.
John: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: John!
معلم: جان، برو روی نقشه، آمريکای شمالی رو پيدا کن.
جان: اينجاست!
معلم: درسته! بچه ها، حالا شما بگيد چه کسی آمريکا رو کشف کرد؟
بچه ها: جان!


TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
John: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
معلم: جرج واشينگتون نه تنها درخت گيلاس پدرش رو قطع کرد، بلکه به اين کار اعتراف هم کرد. حالا، کسی ميدونه که چرا پدرش اون رو تنبيه نکرد؟
جان: چون تبر هنوز توی دستش بود؟!


TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
John: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
معلم: عجب جورابهای عجيب و غريبی پوشيدی! يکيش سبزه، يکی هم آبی با خالهای قرمز!
جان: بله، واقعا خيلی عجيبه. يک جفت هم دقيقا مثل همينها توی خونه دارم!


TEACHER: Now, John, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
John: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
معلم: خوب، جان، صادقانه بگو، قبل از غذا خوردن دعا ميکنی؟
جان: نه آقا، لازم نيست، مامانم آشپز خوبيه!


TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
John: A Teacher.
معلم: به کسيکه ميبينه ديگران علاقه ای به حرفاش ندارن ولی باز هم حرف ميزنه، چی ميگن؟
جان: معلم!!!

[Greight]

An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast

[mir@]

TNX. very funny. But we had a "Jokes" thread once upon a time!

[Greight]

TNX. very funny. But we had a "Jokes" thread once upon a time!

Ok
Let me consider it as sth different than a joke
as in Persian it is !

[A r c h i]

TNX. very funny. But we had a "Jokes" thread once upon a time!

Yes we have a topic for jokes , Thanks @mirl

Ok
Let me consider it as sth different than a joke
as in Persian it is !

Dear Greight,
Sorry I should lock this topic please continue [ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]

[Greight]

Hey
I had a topic 4 funny answering machine messages
BUT they closed it
I dun know why cuz I did not consider them as JOKES !!
Anyway I continue posting them here:

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."


(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."




"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"



Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.



You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.



"Hello, this is Dave. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.



It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here's the beep.



Hi, this is Dave. I'm out right now. This means I'm either asleep or not here. I'll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever comes first.



You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.


"And this is the sound the aliens made..." (BEEP

Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"



"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."



"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish."



That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD...



(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)



Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $9.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...


This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.




"Bridge, Kirk here."



"This is the City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"


The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone

[Greight]

Yeah every body
BELIEVE ME
THESE ARE JOKES !!!
Cuz my place for funny definitions was closed

Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.

Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

Justice - a decision in your favor.

Paradox - two physicians.

Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.

Flattery - an insult in gift wrapping.

Alimony - the cost of loving.

Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.

Oboe: An ill woodwind that no-one blows good.

[A r c h i]

Equations:



Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,

Human = Donkey + work + enjoy

Then, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work

In other words,

Human that doesn't enjoy = Donkey that works

************ ********* ********


Man = eat + sleep + earn money

Donkeys = eat + sleep

Therefore,

Man = Donkey + earn money

Then, Man - earn money = Donkey

In other words,

Man that doesn't earn money = Donkey

************ ********* ********* ********* ***

Woman = eat + sleep + spend

Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore,

Woman = Donkey + spend

Then, Woman - spend = Donkey

In other words,

Woman that doesn't spend = Donkey

************ ********* ********* ********* *******

To Conclude:

Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!

Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!

Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys!

And the Donkeys lived happily ever after