ENGLISH JOKES

[mehrdad21]

The $50 Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".

The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

[Asalbanoo]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at

5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws


WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

[Asalbanoo]

Real questions asked by lawyers in court:
"Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone, or by yourself?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"

You Might Be a Nurse if...

• when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
• your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
• men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion ---- movies about nurses.
• everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
• you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
• you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
• you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
• you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"


Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, &can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

[siyanor]

hey guys
its my first joke but surely its not the last one


God had created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years. "God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally God created man ... and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And since then, man lives 20 years as a man , marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown,he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.

[siyanor]

Five facts in the world




Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue













Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it








Fact 3: Fact 1 is false ha ha ha ha ha







Fact 4: Now you are laughing !!! Bcuz u became a fool






Fact 5: If u want to fool ur freinds also , send 'em here

[amintnt]

Five facts in the world




Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue













Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it








Fact 3: Fact 1 is false ha ha ha ha ha







Fact 4: Now you are laughing !!! Bcuz u became a fool






Fact 5: If u want to fool ur freinds also , send 'em here

I really did that! First tried to touch my teeth with my tongue, and then laughed before reading fact 4! l

[siyanor]

Hey guys..... guess whos back
i think we should give rate to other jokes




typical .. english

Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.

* Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.

* Cut an apple in two halfs- take the bigger half.

* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away outside

* Both of you three, get out of the class.

* Close the doors of the window.

* Take Copper Wire of any metal specially of Silver.

* Take 5 cm wire of any length

[siyanor]

A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a
building and she suddenly trips over something and
.......falls down

On her way falling down, an American man catches her
from his balcony, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved
my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..."


The man says: "Okay then, Kiss me"

She says : "You Ediot !! NEVER!!"

So he says "FINE!" and he drops her down.... So she's
falling and screaming..........................
Suddenly a German man catches her in the air from his
balcony, she says :"Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll
do anything that you ask..."
The guy says : "Kiss me."
She replies: "Oh you ediot !!! NEVER!"
So the man says : "Fine!!!" and he also drops her down
again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she
kissed one of those men and now she's going to die.
Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his
balcony, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved my life,
I'll KISS you!!"
The Muslim man replies : "Astaqfirullah!" and he drops her.

[siyanor]

[B]Reporting to Bill Gates
Dear Mr Bill Gates,




This letter is from MOZAFAR We have bought a Computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to

bring to your notice.






1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password

column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in

password field. We checked with hardware vendor GHAZANFAR and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this

we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.





2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.





3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.

4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Azadi square So, we request you to

change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.





5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.



6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key

with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug[/B

]

[boy iran]

A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:

"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.


The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.

"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."









The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:


"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"


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" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . . "