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Classification: Men, Office
Boss: “Yes? What is it now?”
Office worker: “Please can I have a day off next week to do some late Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids?”
Boss: “Certainly not!”
Office worker: “I knew you’d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me out of that terrible chore
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Classification: Office, Stupidity
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.”
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I just need one copy
Classification: Repartee, Women and Girls
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per meter,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten meters.”
The clerk measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl grabbed the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled
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Classification: Repartee, Men
Mark asked his wife, “What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”
“What I love most about you,” responded Julie, “is your enormous sense of humor
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Classification: Stupidity, Military
Sam was in the Army overseas. His brother Joe wrote him a short note:
Dear Sam,
The cat died.
Joe
Sam wrote back:
Dear Joe,
You know I loved that old cat. Why didn’t you break the news gently? You could have written, “The cat was on the roof.” Then later you could have written, “The cat fell off the roof and passed away.”
Sam
The next week Sam got a letter from Joe:
Dear Sam,
Mother was on the roof.
Joe
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
Two factory workers are talking.
The first man says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The second man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The first man says, "Just wait and see." He then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The firstman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow him and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
The First 3 Years of Marriage
Riddles of Alphabet
Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An
Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The
Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your
back
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HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a
vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always
Keep a SPARE TYRE
_______________________________________
ACHER:
what is the
different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..
_____________________________
Look a thief has entered
our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.
2: Whom should I
call now,
Police or Ambulance
_______________________________
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.
Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister
______________________
Future plans of childrens:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
Shariq : I want 2 help Bina.
______________________________
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back
____________________________
Difference b/w secretary & private secretary
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
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Hi i am marrying next week ( Funny sms )
Hi i am marrying next week
there will be a small party and
only few persons will be invited
Hey don’t bring any gift
just bring SOMEONE to marry me
Marriage is like a public toilet
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
&
Those inside are desperate to come
____________
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE
__________________________
TEACHER:
what is the different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..
____________________________
Look a thief has entered our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.
2: Whom should I call now,
Police or Ambulance
B11. Big Joe
have to/don't have to for obligation
One day, on a London bus, the driver was taking the fares from new passengers when an enormous man with huge muscles got onto the bus. The driver asked for the money for the ticket, but the man just shook his head and said,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay!’
The bus driver wasn’t a strong man and he didn’t want to argue with this giant, so the man got on the bus without paying.
The next day at the same bus stop, the enormous man was there again, and like the day before, when it was his turn to pay for his ticket, he just said,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay.’
After a few weeks of this, the bus driver was really starting to get angry, so he decided to join a gym. He worked out every day for three months, until his muscles were bulging and he could pick up tables with one arm.
One Monday, the bus driver decided that today was the day. As usual, the enormous man got on the bus as usual and announced,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay.’
This time, the bus driver was brave enough to stand up and tell the man,
‘Why not? Of course you have to pay. Everyone has to pay!’
The man looked at him in surprised silence for a few seconds and then slowly answered,
‘Because Big Joe has a bus pass.’
Grammar: have to/don't have to
Use have to + infinitive to talk about things which are important to do, or things which are necessary to do. We often use this to talk about rules and regulations.
Everyone has to pay for a bus ticket.
Use don't / doesn't have to + infinitive to talk about things where there are no rules. You can do these things if you want to, but there is no obligation.
You don't have to pay to come in because it's free
دوستان خوبی که ابن مجموئه رو دنبال میکنن ( الان - یا هروقت دیگه ای در آینده)
قسمتهای قبلش در صفحات قبل هست با کمی جستجو پیداشون میکنن - این مجموعه گرامر رو با زبون خیلی ساده و به صورت جک از پایه تا سطح پیشرفته درس داده که الان تو بخش متوسطش هستیم و اگه عمری باشه تا سطح پیشرفتش رو اینجا مینویسم.
.
B12. Lifestyle choices
should / shouldn’t
Natasha Marshal went to her doctor for some advice.
‘Doctor, I’ve read that by making the right health choices for diet and life style, people can live for longer. What should I do to live long and healthily? Can you give me some suggestions?’
‘Certainly, Miss Marshal!’ replied the doctor.‘Well firstly, you should only eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You shouldn’t eat any meat, salt, cheese or butter. You shouldn’t drink any alcohol and you shouldn’t smoke. You should drink lots of natural mineral water, but not too cold.‘
‘OK,’ said Natasha, writing all this down in her notebook.‘And should I change anything else about my lifestyle?’
‘You shouldn’t go out to bars or big cities,’ the doctor told her, ‘because the crowds and the noise can be stressful. You should get up very early in the morning and go running and you shouldn’t stay up late at night. You shouldn’t watch television or use the internet. It’s not good for you to sit still for long and look at a screen.’
‘And by following this health plan I’ll live to be a hundred?’ asked Natasha.
‘Well, I don’t know, ‘ answered the doctor. ‘but it will certainly feel like it.’
Grammar: should / shouldn’t for advice
To say what you think is a good idea use should. To say what you think is a bad ideause shouldn’t + infinitive (without to).
What should I do to get fitter?
You should take more exercise.
You shouldn’t smoke.
With should (as with all modal verbs) don’t use auxiliary verbs in question forms and don’t add ‘s’with the 3rd person singular form.
INCORRECT:Do I should eat more fish? CORRECT: Should I eat more fish? INCORRECT: He shoulds go now. CORRECT: He should go now
.
B13. The old lady and her dog
past simple irregular verbs
Mrs Gibson was 82 years old. Her son owned an airline company. One day, she went to the airport to take a plane from Australia to the USA. With her she had a flight bag and a pet basket with her little pet dog called 'Spotty' inside. The flight that day was very crowded. Mrs Gibson sat down on a window seat and put her dog basket down on the seat next to her.
A flight attendant said to her, 'I'm very sorry, madam, but this flight is fully booked. I'm afraid I have to take your dog and put it at the back of the plane for the journey.'
The old lady didn't argue and gave the basket to the flight attendant.
After an hour in the air, the flight attendant checked on the little dog. She was horrified to see that the dog was dead at the bottom of the basket. She told the pilot and the pilot told the airport in New York. The company director was furious, because Mrs Gibson was the airline owner's mother. In the end, they decided to buy a different dog to replace the dead one. The flight attendant took a photo of the dog with her phone and sent it to New York to show them what it looked like. When the plane landed, Mrs Gibson got off the plane and the flight attendant brought her the basket with a new dog in it.
Mrs Gibson looked very quickly into the basket and immediately said, 'That's not my dog. Where's my dog? What did you do with little Spotty?'
The flight attendant told Mrs Gibson, 'Yes, of course it's your dog. It has the same spots, the same size - it's the same dog.'
'No,' said Mrs Gibson, ' I know it isn't.'
'But how do you know? You didn't look at it for very long.'
'I know,' said Mrs Gibson, ' Because my dog was dead when I put him in the basket.'
Grammar: irregular past simple verb forms
Many verbs in English have irregular past simple forms and do not end in -ed. For example:
think - thought: When I was a child I thought the moon was bigger than the sun.
leave - left: You leftyour jacket at my house yesterday.
meet - met: My husband and I met when we were at college.
B14. The director and the old man
verb + infinitive
A Hollywood director was making a film in India. For the film, he needed to have clear blue skies, so the weather conditions were very important to him. One evening, after filming all day he saw a very old man, sitting with his legs crossed on the ground.
‘It’s going to rain for three days. On the fourth day, the sun will shine again,’ the ancient man said wisely.
The next day it rained heavily and there was no filming that day or for three days afterwards. On the morning of the fourth day, as the old man predicted, the sun was shining down and conditions were perfect for filming. That evening, when the director was walking past, the old man said,
‘There’s going to be a big storm tomorrow.’
Sure, enough, the next day there was a big storm, just as the man said.
After a week of making perfect predictions, the director decided to use the old man’s wisdom and pay him to work as a weather man for the film crew. The old man agreed to tell the director what the weather was likely to do. This worked very well for the next few weeks of filming. Every day the old man told the director what the weather would be the next day, and the director paid him well for the valuable information. One day, however, the old man failed to arrive on the set. The next day the director sent for him and said,
‘Your predictions are very important to me and to my work. I’m shooting a big scene tomorrow and I have to know what the weather is going to be like.’
The old man shrugged his shoulders.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can't help you today. My radio’s broken.’
Grammar: verb + infinitive
Some verbs are often followed by the infinitive form. Many of these verbs are in some way connected to the future. Here are some of the most commonly-used verbs which follow this pattern.
need decide plan promise fail refuse threaten aim hope offer
I need to have good weather.
I plan to shootan important scene tomorrow.
The man promised to predict the weather.
The old man failed to arrive on the set.
The director offered to pay him.
The nouns based on these verbs are also often followed by the infinitive form.
We made an arrangement with the guide to showus around the city.
The director made an offer to pay him
.
A man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!...... .just wait a second."
____________________________
The Perfect Son._______________________________
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
B15. The language teacher
Comparatives: not as... as...
Martin was an English teacher in a language school. After working at his current school for six months, he decided it was time to find a better job with a higher salary. In his final week at the school, he told Carla, one of his favourite one-to-one students.
‘I’m afraid that next term I won’t be teaching in this school any more, Carla. I’m moving to another city.’
‘I’m really sorry about that, Martin. I wish you weren’t going.’ Carla replied.
‘Well, thank you, Carla! It’s very kind of you to say so.’
‘The new teacher won’t be as good asyou are. I’m sure the lessons won’t be as good as yours.’ said the student.
‘That’s so nice of you!’ said Mark, flattered.
‘Yes,’ continued Carla, ‘I’ve been coming to this school for five years now and every new teacher has been worse than the one before.’
Grammar: not as + adjective + as ...
You can often make comparisons in more than one way.
A wood is smaller than a forest.
A wood isn't as large as a forest.
Pablo's pronunciation is better than Marco's.
Pablo's pronunciation isn't as bad as Marco's.
The weather is worse than it was last week.
The weather isn't as good as it was last week.
Do you think that monkeys are less intelligent than dolphins?
Do you think that monkey's aren't as intelligent as dolphins?
C1. Track records
present perfect simple
There were four race horses in a stable one day. It was raining and they were bored so they started talking about their track records. One of them boasted,
‘I’ve been in eight races so far this year and I’ve won five of them’
‘That’s nothing!’ interrupted the second race horse, ‘I’ve runin twelve races since the beginning of this year and I’ve won seven of them.’
The third race horse broke in,
‘Well, I’ve taken partin 15 races this year and I’ve wonten of them.’
‘I’ve done better than any of you,’ claimed the fourth race horse. ‘So far this year I’vebeen in 18 races and I’veonly lostfour of them.’
At this point, they noticed that a small greyhound dog was sitting and listening to their conversation, wagging his tail.
‘I don’t want to brag,’ he said, ‘But I’ve been in forty five races this year up till now and I haven’tlost any of them!’
The horses were absolutely amazed.
‘That’s just incredible! I’venever heardanything like it!’said one of them, after an impressed silence, ‘A talking dog!’
Grammar: present perfect simple for achievements
You can use present perfect simpleto talk about your achievements in an unfinished time period. Compare this pair of sentences.
I took part in ten races last year. [Past simple]
I’ve taken part in ten races so far this year. [Present perfect simple]
In the first sentence (past simple), the year is over so no more races are possible this year. The time period is closed.
In the second sentence (present perfect simple), the year is not yet finished, so it’s possible for more races to be won. The time period is open.
We often use present perfect simple with these time expressions: so far, up till now, since
I’ve written twelve emails sinceI got to work this morning.
The computer has never broken down up till now.
I’ve read five books on the subjectso far, but I know I need to read more
.
C2. The forest fire
verb + object + infinitive
It was towards the end of a particularly hot, dry summer and a huge forest fire had broken out. The fire was getting out of control, even though the emergency services were doing their best to deal with the problem. A photo-journalist working with one of the larger national newspapers was keen to get some good shots of the fire for the next day’s edition. He persuaded the editor to charter a private plane to get him above the action.
‘I know it’s expensive,’ he told the editor, ‘But it will be worth it. It’ll really help me to get the best pictures!’
So he made a call to arrange for a small private plane and drove as fast as possible to the airport. He rushed out to the runway and spotted a small aircraft with a young pilot in it.
Wasting no time, he jumped into the seat next to the pilot, pulled the door closed and said to the pilot, ‘I want you to take us up to altitude.’
When they reached altitude the photographer said to the pilot, ‘Now, do you see that fire over to the east of us? I want you to fly over that. I’d like you to getas close as you can.’
‘Really?’ asked the pilot, amazed. ‘You seriously expect me to fly over that fire? You can’t ask me to dothat!’
‘Of course I’m serious. That’s why I’m here. I’m a professional photographer and I need you to takeme to where I can take some dramatic shots of the fire.’
‘So I guess that means,’ said the pilot, ‘that you aren’t the flight instructor?’
Grammar: verb patterns
Some verbs follow the pattern verb + object + infinitive.
These are some of the most common verbs which follow this pattern:
want-ask-help-expect-would- like-invite
persuade-tell-remind-teach-need-warn
I want you to get up.
She asked him to leave.
I told him to go.
He persuaded me to go with him.
I’m teaching him to read
.
C3. A full timetable
present simple passive / present simple for timetables
Josef was a tourist on holiday in London. He wanted to visit the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace and all the other famous tourist attractions. He arrived at the hotel and went to the front desk to check in.
‘Good evening, sir,’ said the woman at the reception desk,‘How may I help you?’
‘Good evening. I have a reservation for three nights full board. I booked online. The name is Josef Kurstall.’
‘Ah, yes, Mr. Kurstall. I have your booking here on the computer. Welcome to our hotel. Now first let me explain the hotel restaurant meal times. Breakfast is served from seven until eleven o’clock in the morning. Lunch is served frommidday to three in the afternoon and dinner is servedfrom six o’clock until nine.’
The receptionist noticed that Josef looked worried about something.
‘I hope there is no difficulty about that, sir. Is there a problem?’she asked.
‘Well, it seems like a nice hotel, and I’m sure the food is very good,’said Josef, frowning, ‘But when am I going to have time to go sightseeing?’
Grammar: present simple for timetables
It’s possible to use the present simple to refer to the future when you are talking about timetables and programmes of events.
The train leaves at 11.28 tomorrow morning.
The race begins in ten minutes.
You can also use the present simple to talk about future arrangements when the plans are fixed in a timetable.
When do you startyour new course?
I finishwork at seven o’clock tonight.
The present continuous formhas a different use for future meaning. The present continuous is used for personal plans written in a diary. Compare these sentences.
What time doesthe plane arrivetomorrow? ( a fixed timetable)
What time is she arriving tomorrow? ( a diary arrangement)
The play starts at eight o’clock. ( a fixed timetable)
We’re going to the theatre this evening. ( a diary arrangement
C4. Planting potatoes
past simple passive form
Alfred Briggs was a prisoner in a high security jail, serving a thirty year sentence. In his youth he had been famous for robbing jewellery stores all over the country. Even after he was arrested, tried and sentenced, Alfred had kept his secrets and no one had ever discovered where the jewels were hidden. He was married and his wife, Sally, sent him regular letters about everyday problems at home. Alfred knew for a fact that his letters were opened and read by the authorities, but still he enjoyed receiving the news from home.
One day Alfred was given a letter from his wife. He opened it and read, 'Dear Alfred, I've decided to plant some potatoes in the back garden near to the white fence. When do you think is the best time for potatoes to be planted?'
Alfred wrote this in reply, 'Dear Sally, You can plant potatoes in two or three weeks' time, but whatever you do, don't plant them in the back garden. This is very important! Please don't plant them there!'
A week later, Alfred was given another letter from his wife. 'Dear Alfred, You won't believe this! Last week ten policemen arrived at the house and dug up all of the back garden.'
Alfred wrote back, ' Dear Sally, Now is the best time to plant potatoes.'
Grammar: past simple passive form
The past simple passive is formed with was / were + past participle.
You can use the passive form when you don't know who did an action or when the person who did the action is not the most important part of the sentence.
ACTIVE Someone built this bridge last year.
PASSIVE This bridge was built last year.
ACTIVE Somebody sentenced the robbers to ten years in prison.
PASSIVE The robbers were sentenced to ten years in prison.
C5. A long-distance flight
take for time duration
A group of mathematicians from the University of London were travelling to a conference in Delhi.
At check in, one of them asked, 'How long does the flight take?'
'It takes nine hours, sir', the clerk replied.
Soon after take off, the captain made an announcement. announced that one engine had failed.
'One of the plane's engines has unfortunately failed. Your safety is not a problem,' the captain told the passengers, 'because the plane has four engines, but the journey will take longer with only three engines. I'm afraid that the flight will now take ten hours.'
Not long after that, the pilot made another announcement that these was a problem with another of the engines and now the journey would take a total of twelve hours. Everything was quiet for an hour, but then the pilot made another announcement.
'Please remain calm. There is no cause for alarm, but our third engine has also developed problems. Unfortunately, the journey will now take a total of sixteen hours.'
A mathematician turned to one of his colleagues and said, 'Well, if the last engine breaks down it will take us a whole day to get there!'
Grammar: describing duration
When you talk about the duration of an activity, process or journey, you can use take or It takes + object pronoun + infinitive.
The journey takes an hour.
This won't take long.
You've taken a long time to read that book.
It takes me ten minutes to drive to work.
How long will it take us to get there?
C6. Telling jokes
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
reflexive pronouns
Once there was a man travelling on a train. A woman sitting opposite him noticed that the man was talking to himself. Every now and then, after saying something to himself under his breath, he laughed. Sometimes, after saying something to himself, he groaned. This went on for twenty minutes.
‘I wonder what he’s doing,’ the woman wondered to herself.
At last, feeling curious, the woman decided to speak to him.
‘Excuse me, but can I ask what you are doing?’ she asked.
‘I get bored on long journeys so I’m passing the time by telling myself jokes,’ he replied.
‘When it’s a good joke, sometimes I make myself laugh.’
‘I see,’ said the woman, ‘But why do you groan sometimes?’
‘Well’, the man explained, ‘That’s when it’s a joke I already know.
Grammar: reflexive pronouns
Reflexive pronouns are used to talk about actions where the subject and the object are the same.
Incorrect: I hurt me. Correct: I hurt myself.
Sarah was looking at herself in the mirror.
Subject pronouns
Object pronouns
Reflexive pronouns
I
me
myself
You
you
yourself
He
him
himself
S he
her
herself
It
it
itself
We
us
ourselves
You (plural)
you
yourselves
They
them
themselves
The computer turns itself off after twenty minutes.
We really enjoyed ourselves at the party.
C7. The stockboker's chickens
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Infinitive of purpose: in order to, so that
Edward Harcourt was a forty year old stockbroker who lived in London. He was very successful in his job and had made a lot of money, but he was feeling very tired of the stresses of the job and the hectic pace of city life.
‘I feel I’m living to work, instead of working to live,’ he complained to a friend of his. ‘I’m thinking of relocating so that I can improve my life style,’ he went on. ‘Lots of people are choosing quality of life above high salary and status. I want a completely different way of life!’
After some thought, Edward decided to move to the country in order to keep chickens. He bought a chicken farm and moved in. His new neighbour, Bill came round to introduce himself and to offer help and advice.
‘I know quite a lot about chickens, so if you need any help at all, just ask me. Tell, you what, to help you start your farm, I’ll give you a hundred chickens.’
Edward was delighted and thanked his neighbour.
A few weeks later, Bill dropped by because he wanted to see how Edward was getting on. ‘Things aren’t going too well, I’m afraid. All the chickens you gave me died.’ said Edward miserably.
‘Oh no,’ sympathized Bill. ‘ Well, don’t be too depressed about it. I’ll give you another hundred chickens, so you can start again,’
After another week, Bill looked in on Edward again.
‘So how are you getting on now?’ he asked. ‘I hope the new chickens are doing well?’
‘I’m embarrassed to tell you,’ said Edward unhappily, ‘but the second lot of chickens are all dead, too.’
‘But that’s terrible! I wonder what the problem could be?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Edward. ‘I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too close together or too deep down.’
Grammar: infinitive of purpose: in order to, so that
> There are several ways to explain the reasons why someone does an action.
With infinitive of purpose: I went to the reception desk to ask for information.
With in order + infinitive: I went to the reception desk in order to ask for information.
With so that + verb clause: I went to the reception desk so that I could ask for information.
C8. The penguin
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Comparatives: not as... as...
One day at a roadside garage, a petrol pump attendant was filling a customer’s car, when he noticed that a small penguin was sitting in the back seat. The petrol pump attendant asked the customer why he had a penguin in his car. The customer explained that he had found the penguin a few weeks before, wandering around in the street, looking miserable. He told the attendant that he had been trying to think of what to do with the penguin.
The attendant thought for a moment and then told the man that there was a zoo nearby. He suggested that the customer take the penguin there. The man thanked the attendant, paid for his petrol and drove off in the direction of the zoo.
A few days later, the same man pulled up to the petrol station. The attendant was surprised to see that the penguin was still in the back of the man’s car.
‘But I thought you were taking him to the zoo,’ said the attendant.
‘I did, thanks!’, answered the man. ‘He loved it, so I'm taking him to the beach today.’
Grammar: reported speach and reported verbs
When you report what people have said, you can give their exact words or you can report what they said indirectly.
Direct speech: "Thank you!" said the customer.
Indirect speech: The customer thanked the assistant.
With indirect reported speech you need to change the tenses of the verbs.
Present simple changes to past simple
Direct speech: "I have a problem" said the customer to the assistant.
Indirect speech: The customer told the assistant that he had a problem.
Past simple changes to past perfect
Direct speech: "I took the penguin to the zoo yesterday."
Indirect speech: The customer said that he had taken the penguin to the zoo the day before.
C9. Career choices
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used to
There are lots of jokes in English about jobs that someone used to do. They are usually based on bad puns. Can you see the double meanings in these jokes?
I used to work in a bank, but I lost interest.
I used to work as an archaeologist, but my career was in ruins.
I used to be a hotel receptionist, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patience.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a history teacher, but there was no future in it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to work in a glue factory, but couldn't stick with it.
I used to work in a gym, but I wasn't fit for the job.
I used to work as electrician, but the pay was shocking.
Grammar: used to
To talk about actions that often happened in the past you can use this form: used / didn't use + infinitive.
I used to suck my thumb when I was a baby.
You can also use this form for activities that happened over a long period of time in the past
I used to live with my parents but now I have my own apartment.
C10. A night at the movies
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adjectives with -ed or -ing endings
A well dressed woman was queuing to buy a ticket for the cinema. When she got to the front of the queue the man behind in the box office was surprised to see that she had a small dog in her handbag.
‘I’m sorry, madam,’ he said, ‘ But I’m afraid pets are not permitted inside the cinema.’
‘Oh, but he’ll be very good,’ the woman promised. ‘He’s very well behaved. I promise he won’t make a sound.’
Since there weren’t many customer in the cinema that day, the man decided to let her take her dog in with her. So he sold her a ticket and she went into the auditorium and took a seat. The man, curious to see how the dog behaved, went into the auditorium a couple of times during the film. He was pleased to see that it was just as the woman had promised. The little dog was sitting quietly on her lap, without moving or making any noise at all.
At the end of the film, as she was leaving the cinema, the man said to her,
‘That’s amazing. You were quite right. Your dog was very well behaved in there. The dog just sat there as though he was actually interested in the film.’
‘Yes,’ replied the woman, ‘I thought that was surprising, too. He didn’t enjoy the book at all.’
Grammar: adjectives with –ed or –ing endings
There are lots of adjectives which end in –ed or –ing. Compare these pairs of sentences.
The film was very interesting.
I was very interested in the film.
It was surprising to see a dog in there.
I was surprised to see a dog in there.
My physics lessons was boring.
We were bored by our physics lessons.
Adjectives ending in –ing often describe a book, film, person etc. They tell you about what kind of book, film or person it is, and how it makes you feel.
This photograph is amazing.
Adjectives ending in –ed often describe the emotion you feel about a book, film or person.
I am amazed by this photograph.
C11. Foreign languages
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Expressions followed by the gerund
A Swiss tourist in London was having difficulty understanding the London underground map, so he stopped to ask two Londoners for directions.
‘Excuse me!’ said the Swiss man, ‘I speak no English. Parlez-vous francais?’
The Londoners shrugged their shoulders.
‘It’s no good speaking French to us!’ one of them said. ‘We can’t speak a word of it.’
The Swiss tourist tried again in another language.
‘Sprechen sie Deutsch?’ he asked.
Once again, he met with blank stares from the Londoners.
‘Sorry, mate. It’s a waste of time speaking German to us, either.’
The Swiss tourist tried again.
‘Parlate Italiano?’ he asked.
Again the Londoners met his questions with incomprehension, so the Swiss man had to give up trying. There was obviously no point trying any other languages with them.
As he was walking away, one of the Londoners turned to the other and said, ‘Three languages! That’s impressive. Maybe we should learn another language.’
‘No, there’d be no use learning another language.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well, it didn't do him much good, did it?’
Grammar: expressions followed by gerund
Some expressions in English are always followed by the gerund (-ing) form. Here are some of the most common phrases:
It’s a waste of time speaking to him.
There’s no use trying to find the book here.
I had difficulty finding my way to the building.
It’s no good speaking to her.
There’s no point learning how to ride a camel.
I gave up trying to cook years ago.
It’s not worth going to that museum.
It’s a waste of money paying for that meal
.
C12.Confessions
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second conditional
Four friends, Alex, Lucy, Sam and Jo were sitting in a coffee bar and chatting, when the subject of their own faults came up in conversation.
‘I must admit,’ said Alex, ‘I sometimes use the company’s phone for private calls and I often steal office stationery from work when the boss isn’t looking. If my boss found out, I’d get fired.’
‘Well, I guess my greatest fault,’ Lucy told the group, ‘is that I gamble too much. I play online poker and I buy lottery tickets. My parents are really strict, and if they heard about it, I’d be in real trouble.
‘I don’t gamble,’ Sam said, ‘but I’d say that my worst fault is my drinking habit. I drink far too much. If it ever got out, I’d lose my job.’
Joe had been silent during the conversation, so Sam turned and asked him, ‘Well, Joe, do you have any faults, then?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Joe, ‘and mine is worse than any of yours. My greatest fault is that I just can’t keep a secret.’
Grammar: second conditional
To talk about situations which are imaginary, you can use this form: if + past simple in the first clause, followed by would + verb in the second clause.
This structure is sometimes called the second conditional form.
If my parents found out about my gambling, they’d be furious.
If anyone heard about Sam’s drinking habits, he’d lose his job.
It’s also possible to change the order of the clauses, in this way:
I would buy a new car if I had the money.
This would be a good restaurant if the staff were more polite.
.
C13.
A Word of advice
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If I were you...
As she was driving down a remote country lane, Alice noticed that her car was behaving strangely. The engine made a terrible rattling noise and smoke was starting to come out from under the bonnet. Alice stopped the car to see if she could work out what the problem was. As she was lifting up the car bonnet, a deep voice from behind her said,
‘If I were you, I’d change the spark plugs.’
Alice looked around her, but couldn’t see anyone in sight. There was a large brown horse with a white star on its forehead. It was looking over the fence at her.
‘I’m imagining it,’ she thought to herself and took another look at the engine. But once again, as soon as she turned her back on the horse, the deep voice said,
‘It’s the spark plugs, I’m telling you.’
Again, she turned to find no one in sight apart from the brown horse. By this stage, Alice was feeling quite unnerved, so she got into the car again. She drove the car slowly to the next village where eventually she found a mechanic. Feeling slightly foolish, she explained about the problem with the car and told the mechanic what the horse had said about the spark plugs.
‘And you say there was nobody around except a horse, when you heard this?’ asked the mechanic.
‘Not a soul!’ replied Alice, ‘Just a big horse.’
‘Was it a brown horse with a white star in the middle of its forehead?’
‘Yes, that’s right. It was.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t take any notice of him, if I were you. That’s old Brownie. He doesn’t know anything about engines. He always says it's the spark plugs.’
Grammar: If I were you…
To give advice you can use the second conditional form: If I were you… + verb clause with would.
You look tired. If I were you, I’d go to bed early.
Our neighbours are trying to put in a new bathroom. If I were them, I’d get professional help.
I can’t think which course to choose. If you were me, what would you do?
Note that it is not usual to say If I was you… for this usage. It’s a semi-fixed expression which uses the subjunctive form of to be (were) for all persons.
C14. An Inquiring Mind
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zero conditional
One day, William was out fishing with his son Jack. After a while, Jack gazed up at the clouds and asked ,
‘Dad, can I ask you something? If you look at the air, it doesn’t have any colour. So why is the sky blue?’
William thought for a moment and then replied, ‘I don’t know, son.’
A few minutes later, Jack said to his father,
‘If I drop a stone into the water it sinks, but this boat doesn’t sink. Why can some things float but other things can’t, dad?’
‘I can’t remember, son. I think I learnt it at school, but I’ve forgotten.’ replied William.
They carried on fishing for a while, until Jack asked,
‘Dad, I’ve been thinking. If humans try to breathe underwater, we drown, but if you take a fish out of water, it dies. Why’s that?’
‘I haven’t got a clue, I’m afraid.’ replied his father.
Again there was a pause. Jack was worried he was starting to annoy his dad, so he said,
‘Dad, I hope you don’t mind me asking you all this stuff.’
‘Of course I don’t mind, son. It’s good that you’re asking these questions.’ replied William, smiling, ‘If children don’t ask questions, they never learn anything.’
Grammar: Zero conditional form
To talk about scientific facts and situations which always happen in the same way every time, you can use this form: If + present simple + present simple. This is sometimes called the zero conditional form.
If you take a fish out of water it dies.
If you put an ice cube in the sun it melts.
If you press this button a light comes on.
C15. Planning ahead
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in case / if
Jack and Simon were planning to go on a trip around Asia. Jack showed Simon the pile of equipment he was intending to take with him.
‘Why are you taking all this stuff with you?’ asked Simon. ‘You can’t possibly need all of these things. It’s far too much to carry.’
‘Well,’ Jack replied, ‘the bottle of water is in case we get thirsty.’
‘Yes, I can see we might need that,’ agreed Simon, ‘and all this food is in case you’re hungry, I guess.’
‘Yes, I always feel starving when I’m on the road. And I’m taking a book with me in case I get bored and I need something to read on long journeys,’ carried on Jack.
‘OK, Jack, well, I suppose that’s not a bad idea. But there’s still too much stuff here!’
‘And I’m taking my camera with me,’ continued Jack, ‘in case we see anything interesting and then I can take some good shots.’
‘Yes, yes, I can understand why you need all of those things, but why are you taking this car door?’
‘Well, that’s in case it’s hot – then I can roll the window down.’
Grammar: in case / if
To explain why you do something, to be safe or to be careful you can use in case.
I’ll take an umbrella in case it rains.
You should always check through your emails in case you’ve made a mistake.
In case is not used in the same way as if. Compare these two sentences:
1. I’ll buy a bottle of water in case I get thirsty.
2. I’ll buy a bottle of water if I get thirsty.
In the first sentence with in case, I will buy the bottle of water before I get thirsty, because I want to make sure that I have it if I need it. Even if I don’t get thirsty, I will have the water as a security measure.
In the second sentence with if, I will buy a bottle of water when I get thirsty. If I don’t need the water, I won’t buy it.
D1. The cowboy's horse
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Past perfect simple
A cowboy rode into a town. He fastened his big fine horse to a post outside a rough bar, kicked open the bar door, walked up to the bar and asked for a beer. When he had finished his drink, he went back outside, only to find that someone had stolen his horse.
The cowboy went back into the bar, got his gun out and fired three shots into the ceiling.
‘Which one of you dirty no-good dogs has stolen my horse?’, he shouted, and then he fired three more shots into the bottles behind the bar.
‘OK, then,’ he growled, looking very mean, ‘I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to order myself another beer. I’m going to drink my beer and then I’m going to go back outside. If my horse isn’t back where I left him, I’ll have to do what I did when the same thing happened in Texas.’
The other customers in the bar looked at each other and shivered – they were terrified. When the cowboy had finished his second beer, he went back outside. Sure enough, the thief had brought the horse back and tied it to the post, exactly where the cowboy had left it.
The cowboy got back on his horse. The barman went up to him and asked in a nervous voice,
‘Er, before you go, please tell us, what exactly happened in Texas?’
‘I had to walk home,’ said the cowboy.
Grammar: past perect simple
You can use the past perfect simple to talk about an action in the past that happened before another action in the past. (The second action is often in the past simple form.)
By the time I turned on the TV, the movie had just finished.
She let me keep the magazine because she'd already read it.
knew the story because I had seen the film before.
D2. A Night caller
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past perfect continuous
Sarah Robinson was well-known among her friends for being extremely well-mannered. When the telephone rang at half past three one morning, she spoke calmly into the receiver, even though she had been sleeping soundly. On the other end of the line was an angry male voice. He complained that her dog had been barking all night and that it had been keeping him and his wife awake. Sarah thanked the caller for telling her and politely asked him for his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely half past three, Sarah called her neighbour back.
‘Good morning, Mr Grant. I just called to let you know that I don't have a dog.’
Grammar: past perfect continuous
To talk about a process or activity which took place over a period of time, before another event, you can use the past perfect continuous form. The structure of this form is had + been + gerund.
GRAPHIC OF TIMELINE HERE
D3. A good impression
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gerund clauses
Having just moved into his new office, a newly elected politician was sitting at his desk when someone knocked on the door. Wanting to let everyone know how important he was, the politician quickly picked up the phone, told the man to enter, then spoke into the receiver
‘Yes, Prime Minister, I'll be seeing the President this afternoon and I'll pass on your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes. I'm looking forward to that game of golf with you next Sunday.’
Having decided that he’d impressed the visitor with his friends in high places, the politician asked his visitor, ‘So how can I help you?’
‘Oh, it’s nothing important, sir,’ the man replied, ‘I'm just here to connect your telephone.’
Grammar: gerund clauses from joining ideas
You can join two related sentences together with a gerund clause.
There is usually a logical connection between the sentences, either to show that one thing happened as a result of another, or to show that one thing happened after another.
I had bought the car in the morning. I wanted to show it to my friends.
Having bought the car in the morning, I wanted to show it to my friends.
Michelle felt a little cold. She turned on the heating.
Feeling a little cold, Michelle turned on the heating.
The dog ate all the food. Then it went to sleep.
Having eaten all the food, the dog went back to sleep.
D4. A kind gesture
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as if / as though
Helen and Paul were eating out at an expensive restaurant one evening. On the table opposite them sat an old lady who was eating alone. Paul noticed that the lady was looking over at him and smiling sadly.
'Do you know her?' he asked his wife.
'No, I don't recognise her, but she looks as if she knows you.'
Paul and Helen carried on eating their meal, but the next time Paul looked in that direction, the woman was still looking at him. She looked lonely. After a while he decided to go over and say hello to her because she looked as though she wanted someone to talk to.
'Hi, there!' he said, 'Are you enjoying your meal?'
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'And please excuse me for staring at you but you look exactly like my son. He has gone to live in Australia. That's why I was feeling a bit sad. I always used to eat in here with him.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.' replied Paul. ' It sounds as if you miss him a lot.'
'Oh, I do!' answered the old lady. ' Can I ask you a favour? When I'm leaving the restaurant could you call out 'Goodbye, mum!' to me? It would make me so happy!'
'Yes, of course!' agreed Paul. ' No trouble at all!'
So he went back to his own table and continued his meal. A few minutes later, as the old lady was leaving the restaurant, he called out 'Goodbye, mum!' and she waved happily back at him.
When Paul called for his bill, he noticed that the bill was double what it was normally and it included a lot of food an expensive bottle of wine which they hadn't ordered. He called the waiter over to the table to sort out the problem.
'Excuse me, but there seems to be some mistake with the bill. It looks as if you've given us the wrong one.'
'No, sir.' replied the waiter, 'No mistake. Your mother said you'd pay for her.'
Grammar: as if / as though + verb clause
To describe how somebody or something appears to be, you can use these forms:
You look as if you've had a hard day.
You look as though you've been in the rain.
Compare the form with look + adjective.
You look hungry.
You look as though you need something to eat.
D5. Sleeping car
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should have
Douglas Brown was a businessman who lived in London but had a lot of work in Perth in Scotland. He often travelled by train on 'The Night Caledonian', an overnight train from London to Scotland. He preferred the train to the plane because he arrived feeling fresh for important business meetings when he arrived in Perth. The only problem was, he was a heavy sleeper, so he needed to set his alarm clock to wake up for the right stop. One day, after the train had set off from London, he realised he'd forgotten to pack his alarm clock. Before he went to sleep, he spoke to one of the attendants.
'I should have brought my alarm clock with me, but I forgot it. I have to wake up in time to get off the train at Perth at seven o'clock. I absolutely mustn't miss my stop by oversleeping, so could you please make sure I get off the train there, however sleepy I am.'
The attendant wrote down Douglas' name in a little book and made a firm promise to wake him up at the right time in the morning. Douglas went to sleep in his compartment almost immediately.
When he woke up in the morning, he found that it was ten to nine and the train was pulling into the final station in Inverness, 120 miles further north than Perth.
He was furious and went up to the attendant and said, 'Look what's happened, you fool! You should have woken me up at half past six and you didn't. You complete idiot! Now I've missed my business meeting!'
After he had left, one of the other passengers commented to the attendant, 'He wasn't very polite, was he? He shouldn't have called you an idiot like that.'
'Oh that's nothing!' said the attendant, 'You should have heard what Dougal Black said when I pushed him onto the platform at Perth at seven o'clock this morning.'
Grammar: should have + past participle
When you want to criticize mistakes in the past, you can use should + have + past participle.
I shouldn't have eaten so many cherries. I feel terrible.
We should have left the classroom tidier, but we didn't have time. The teacher was very angry with us.
You shouldn't have told her she was fat. You've really upset her.
D6.The Elixir of Life
modal verbs of deduction in the present
In a village in the mountains, a little old man with a beard and a young girl set up a stall in the market place one day, selling bottles of homemade medicine, labelled ‘The Elixir of Life’.
‘Come on, everyone!’ the old man called out. ‘Don’t miss your chance to beat ageing. This is your opportunity to buy Archie’s miracle medicine. It’s the only medicine that cures old age. You only have to look at me to see the proof. I’m two hundred and five years old.’
A crowd quickly gathered around the market stall, and the old man and the girl were kept busy handing out the bottle of medicine and taking the money.
There were two younger men in the crowd, and one of them said to the other, ‘You don’t really think he’s genuine, do you?’
‘I don’t know. He might be telling the truth. He’s got an honest face.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding! said the man. ‘He must be lying. It has to be a trick.’
‘Well, why not ask his assistant, then, if you don’t believe it?’ suggested his friend. So the man approached the girl and asked. ‘He can’t really be that old, can he? That’s completely ridiculous. Tell me the truth, is he really two hundred and five years old?’
‘I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t really say.’ the girl replied, ‘I’ve only been working for him for the past seventy five years.’
Grammar: modal verbs of deduction
When you make logical deductions and draw conclusions from evidence you can use these forms. The choice of verb communicates how certain or uncertain you are about your guesses.
I’m sure it’s true. I’m not sure. I’m sure it’s impossible. It must be true. It might be true. It can’t be true. It has to be true. It may be true.
It’s got to be true. It could be true.
Note that the opposite of It must be… is It can’t be…, [not It mustn’t be…]
D7. Recipe for Disaster
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ability / inability
Dave and Ian were both post-graduate research students at Cambridge University. One evening, they were chatting and the conversation turned to cookery.
‘I tried my hand at cookery once, you know.’ Dave told Ian, ‘but I never managed to work it out.
‘I find that very hard to believe, Dave.’ said Ian. ‘You’ve got a first class degree in Physics and you’re completing your doctorate. You are capable of understanding highly complex technical manuals and formulating new ideas from your research. You must be able to follow a recipe.’
‘I tried,’ admitted Dave, ‘but I couldn’t manage it.’
‘Why?’ insisted Ian. ‘Because the recipe book was full of complicated instructions too difficult for you to follow?’
‘Well, you see,’ explained Dave, ‘the problem lay in the fact that all the recipes began in the same way. They all started with Take a clean dish.’
Grammar: ability and inability
There are a variety of ways to express the ideas of ability and inability in English.
could + infinitive without to
I couldn’t understand what the lecturer was talking about.
be able to + infinitive
I’d love to be able to cook well.
manage to + infinitive
It was a difficult book but I eventually managed to understand the theory.
to be capable of + gerund
I don’t think I’m capable of understanding this technical manual.
Note that the modal verb could can not be used in infinitive, gerund or future forms. To express these ideas, use be able to or manage to instead.
D8. Working late
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indirect polite requests
Philip was a junior office assistant in a large company. He was quite ambitious, so he was keen to make a good impression on the boss. He often stayed late at the office, to show how committed and hardworking he was. One evening, he was just about to go home when he saw his boss standing in front of the shredder, holding a document.
‘Ah, Philip! I’m so glad you’re still here in the office!’ said the boss, ‘Good to see all your hard work and professionalism. Now I wonder if you could help me.’
‘Of course, ’ replied Philip. ‘Anything at all. It’s no trouble.’
‘Good man! You see, the thing is, my secretary has already gone home and I haven’t got a clue how this thing works. It’s really important that I get this done before tomorrow. If you could do this one more thing, before you go home I’d really appreciate it.’
‘No problem,’ said Phil, happy to be asked to do such a simple job.
He took the document from his boss, turned on the machine, inserted the document and pressed the start button.
‘That’s excellent,’ said the boss, as the document vanished into the shredder. ‘I just need two copies.’
Grammar: indirect polite requests
There are many ways to ask for help politely. Using an indirect form often sounds more formal and polite than a direct question.
Could you help me?
I wonder if you could help me?
Can you carry these bags for me?
If you could carry these bags for me I’d really appreciate it.
Pass me those papers.
Do you think you could pass me those papers, please?
D9. Noisy neighbours
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Text organizers: but for... etc.
Adam was a student in a large university in London. He was living in a college hall of residence during his first year. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit.
‘How have you been enjoying university life, then, Adam?’
‘It’s great, mom. Well, it’s great, except for my neighbours. But for them, it would be perfect.’
‘So what’s wrong with them?’ his mother asked.
‘They're such noisy people!’, Adam replied. ‘You see, the student who lives on the right hand side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. And the one on the left hand side screams and screams all through the night!’
His mother sympathized with him, ‘Oh, dear! You poor thing! How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?’
‘Well, there’s not much I can do apart from trying to ignore them,’ he answered. ‘I just stay here quietly in my room playing my trumpet!’
Grammar: text organisers except, except for, apart from, but for
You can talk about exceptions in several ways.
I'm the only one in my family with brown hair.
Everyone in my family has brown hair apart from me.
Except for me, everyone in my family has brown hair.
Everyone in my family except me has brown hair.
But for our hair colour, my sister and I would look almost identical.
These expressions are sometimes followed by a gerund form:
The holiday was completely free, apart from spending a little on food.
My old printer is fine except for making a slight noise when I turn it on.
D10. Electrician at work
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Inversions
Once an electrician called Mike Jenkins was called to do some rewiring for an old lady called Mrs Butler. He went into the house and Mrs Butler showed him into the sitting room where he was going to be working. Hardly had he set foot in the room, than he heard first a loud squawk and then a low growl behind him. He turned round to find a parrot in a cage and an Alsatian dog. Never before had he seen such an enormous and ferocious-looking dog.
‘I’m afraid I have to go out for a couple of hours, Mr Jenkins, so I’ll just leave you here to get on with it, if that’s all right with you’, said Mrs Butler. Mike was not a great animal-lover, and the idea of working in the same room as the dog was worrying him, so he turned to Mrs Johnston and asked her,
‘Is your dog going to be OK with a stranger in the house? I must admit, I’m a little bit nervous about dogs that size.’
‘Oh, no!’, she reassured him. ‘Brutus won’t make a nuisance of himself, Mr Jenkins. He just does exactly what he’s told, so you don’t need to worry about him. But please be careful of the parrot. Under no circumstances should you say anything to the parrot.’
So Mike started work on the rewiring. No sooner had he begun, than the parrot started making rude remarks about his work.
‘That’s rubbish!’ said the parrot. ‘You’ve done it all wrong!’
Mike ignored the parrot and carried on working.
‘You’re making a terrible mistake!’, said the parrot, ‘You’re rubbish!’
Mike kept on working, whistling a tune to try to cover up the noise of the irritating parrot.
‘Not only are you a rubbish electrician, but you can’t even whistle!’, said the parrot.
By this stage, Mike had had enough of these insults so he turned to the parrot and said,
‘Just shut up while I’m working, will you?’
The parrot opened its beak and said to the dog, ‘Get him, Brutus!’
Grammar: Inversions
In written English you can place some adverbs and adverbial expressions at the beginning of the sentence for greater emphasis and a more dramatic effect.
Here are some of the adverbs which can be used in this way: seldom, rarely, hardly ever, never, no sooner, not only, never.
The typical word order for this structure is adverb + auxiliary + subject pronoun + verb. This dramatic inversion is not frequently used in spoken English.
Compare the word order of these sentences.
I’ve seldom seen such a beautiful landscape.
Seldom have I seen such a beautiful landscape.
The settings on this computer must not be changed under any circumstances.
Under no circumstances should the settings on this computer be changed.
نقل قول:
English Jokes !! ...yeah itz english , but it's no joke
It's sirنقل قول:
But it seems it doesn't make you to laugh
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