revising essay ؟

Hi
please let me know if there is a special topic here for revising the essays

Specificly for TOEFL or IELS exams
thanks

,

Hi,
There's no such topic. But you can start a new one in here.I mean this topic. put your essays here. we'll try to revise it :46:

good luck

thank you so much Archi-girl, here is my essay;

Topic:

If you could study a subject that have never had the opportunity to study, what would you chose? Explain choice, using specific reasons and details.

Is relying on the historical methods of computing such as calculator or calculating rulers, enough for most complicated problems of modern life? Whether or not computer science has an important role in our present and future life, so gaining more knowledge about programming languages and internet are the powerful stimulus for me to learn computer science.

The programming languages are the striking aspect of computers that give us the ability of doing habitual tasks just in a few minutes. Yesterday evening, I was trying to solve math assignments which are very similar to previous ones but I had troubles to do them. Suddenly, I found Ali, my classmate, solved them just in thirty minutes. I apparently saw the big yellow question mark above my head, how could he solve them just in 30 minutes? He explained to me, just by writing a tiny program with C++ programming language, he did it. Although Ali never gave me his marvelous software, I really felt the necessity to know more about computer science.

In addition, another fascinating opportunity that computers bring for us is internet. Internet is such an effective tool that people can learn everything that they want by leaning to their chair and traveling through different scientific websites. Furthermore, Prof. Lui the chair of computer science and technology faculty in university of UUA always said: "In the future all the products will be sold with online store and you can never see these concrete stores, so enjoy your shopping now!" of course, shopping in future absolutely needs to experiment internet.

Nowadays, the literacy criteria change and knowledge of computer science is important for everyone. I hope by studying computer science not only ever demands for Ali's software but I can also buy things with internet malls just by few clicks.

سلام

من خیلی در تصحیح writing مهارت ندارم..

ولی فقط چند نکته بگم در مورد فرمت essay که می دونم اشتباه نوشتی.

فرمت writing

paragraph 1:
Introduction :
1) Motivation
2) Thesis statement + at least 3 blue prints

Par. 2, Par,3, par 4
Body paragraphs:
1) topic sentence
2)specific support

Supporting the blue prints which you mentioned in the introduction with facts,examples, personal experiences and etc.
Each of this paragraphs should be started with a "topic sentence"

Par. 5:

Conclusion:
1) paraphrase thesis statement
2) clincher (convincing sentences that is added to end of your essay to finish it smoothly

which is paraphrasing the introduction


So you have a motivation in the beginning but no blue prints or thesis statement. your motivation is not really related to the topic

Also you don't have enough supporting paragraphs..Writing should be at least 5 paragraphs

Conclusion should start with such words, In conclusion, to conclude, To sum, In my opinion, from my point of view and ... . Nowadays is usually used in beginning
I don't see usage of the words that have to be used in your writing like: (just one in addition)

However, none the less, never the less, as far as, yet, if, unless, other wise,, more over, further more Both /and, Either/or, Neither/nor , not only/but also and lots more.

By the way , I think all your essay is not related to the topic at all :41:, so please write it again. I'll try to write one too:46:..

I'll go through your writing again to check the grammar and vocab usage and will write it here soon

Good luck dear
:11:

Hi
I really appreciate for your kind attention,:11:

First of all, I should say this essay was my first exercise, and I knew that it might be full of error.

About blue print, I read something about it, the paper said "there is no problem if you use blue print with 2 items and expliane more in details". (I am not sure about the reliablity of the resource)

In conclusion section, clearly, I made a mistake, thank you for your preciese attention.
I don't use transition propoerly, I'll try to improve it.

Why do you think the essay is not related to the topic? I mean, please let me know your reason.

I am going to put my essays here to revise, and hope it will be improved.
Once again, Thank you for your time

Hi, I appreciate it if you could take a look at my new essay

Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? "Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries". Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

When I was preparing myself in the library for the midterm math exam, I saw the soccer team of our department preparing themselves for big competition among universities; so a challenging question of, universities should spend money for both sports activities and library equipments, equally, rose in my mind.

Not surprisingly, spreading sport activities among college students is one of the responsibilities of university. Therefore, the policy of university should be considered a certain amount of money for this purpose. Prof. Qui who is the head of a research group studying the effect of exercises on the learning ability, on UUT University, declares that, there is an unquestionable relation between the learning ability and sport activity. He also believes expending money for sport activities is not only useful for having healthy pupils but effective for having excellent students.

In addition, expanded library in all fields, which needs more money, is a fundamental issue in the university. For illustration, extending the studying rooms in my university's library, of course it was a costly project, led to attract students to study in library instead of dorm. Furthermore, having updated library with more copies of popular books is a result of spending sufficient amount of money for library.

In conclusion, I strongly believe the university must spend more money for library equipments than sport activities. Because student can contributes in either public sports or sport clubs for being healthy. And university should be a good place for focusing on learning.