مشاهده نسخه کامل
: ENGLISH JOKES
Catch a Rabbit
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.
They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.
After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in.
They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit
Facts about Old Men and Women
Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?
A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.
Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?
A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.
Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?
A: She should tell him she's with child.
Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?
A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.
Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?
A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.
Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?
A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.
Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?
A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon
Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?
A: On top of their heads.
Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?
A: 'Gee, I have one of these
How strange can a language be?
There is no egg in an eggplant. It doesn't look or taste like an egg
.
There is no ham in a hamburger
.
There is no pine nor apple in a pineapple
.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat
.
English muffins were not invented in England and French fries were not invented in France, so where did such names come from
?
Some names seem to describe the opposite of what the things really are:
Quicksand pulls you down slowly.
Boxing rings are square.
A Guinea pig is not from Guinea and it is not a member of the pig family
.
Some examples of why you cannot blindly follow English grammar rules:
If writers write and painters paint and riders ride, then why don't fingers fing or hammers ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth and the plural of goose is geese, then shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth and the plural of moose be meese? Maybe they should be, but they aren't.
If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what do you think a humanitarian eats?
How can a house that is burning up finally end in being burned down?
At a bank or loan office, how can you fill in the necessary information as you fill out the forms?
Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible?
Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?
Why do people park on driveways but drive on parkways?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
Answer: I simply don't know
A sweet joke
/* /*]]>*/What would you like to have; fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or coffee?"
"Tea, please."
"Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"
"Ceylon tea."
"How would you like it? Black or white?"
"White."
"Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"
"With milk, please."
"Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?"
"With cow milk, please."
"Milk from Friesland cow or African cow?"
"Um, I'll take it black."
"Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
"With sugar, please."
"Beet sugar or cane sugar?"
"Cane sugar, please."
"White, brown or yellow sugar?"
"Forget about tea, just give me a glass of water instead."
"Mineral water or still water?"
"Mineral water, please."
"Flavored or non-flavored? "
"I'd rather die of thirst
A wonderful story
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock :
OK. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Principles of Life
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Stupid Questions with the Smart Answers
BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.
GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...
GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??
GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple
GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??
BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??
SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.
WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.
MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.
Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".
Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it"
Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".
Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?
Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".
Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".
Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".
Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".
Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".
Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."
Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!
Dear Boss
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $hah
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
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jokes
Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.
**********
Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.
**********
Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
**********
Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
**********
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
**********
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
**********
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
**********
Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire"
**********
Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning .
**********
A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my ---- body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess
Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess with
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a
German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by
An Iranian,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a
Korean monitor,
assembled by
Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian
lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
Subject: Letter of an NIOC employee in English !!!!
When an iranian writes in english
This letter was written by an employee of the NIOC National, about
fifty years ago. Someone pulled it out of the archive for laughs. But the
name of the person who wrote this letter has been erased for secrecy.
Dear Mr. Hamilton,
Hello sir, "I am your servent, very very much".
I am writing to you because "all the way to the handle of the knife has
reached my bone. "My hands grab your skirt", Mr. Hamilton, "Please reach my
scream", Mr. Hamiton, "from the hands of this man, Ahmady" . I don't know
"what a wet wood I have sold him" that from the very first day he has been
"pulling the belt to my lift" With all kinds of "cat dancing" he has tried
to become the "eye and the light" of Mr.Wilson.
He made so much "mouse running" that finally Mr.Wilson "became donkey" , and
appointed Mr.Ahmadi as his right hand man, and told me to work "under his
hand"
Mr.Wilson promised me that next year he would make me his right hand man,
but "my eye didn't not drink water", and I knew that all these were "hat
play", and he was trying to put a "hat on my head" I "put the seal of
silence to my lips" and did not say anything. Since that he was just
"putting watermelon under my arms" Knowing that this transfer was only "good
for his aunt" , I started begging him to forget that I ever came to see him
and forget my visit altogether. I said "you saw camel, you did not see
camel" ... .but he was not "getting of the devils donkey".. ."what headache
shall I give you" I am now forced to work in the mail house with bunch of
"blind, bald, height and half height" people. "Imagine how much my ass
burns"
Now Mr.Hamilton, "I turn around your head" you are my only hope and my "back
and shelter"... ."I swear you to the 14 innocents" please "do some work for
me"...."in the resurrection day l'll grasp your skirt"... "I have six head
bread eaters" I kiss your hand and
Leg "
Your servant
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.
In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here
Good Wan! Good One!
Good Wan! (Good One!)"
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh ......God!!! !
innocent A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
away by now."
DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
on the place you were stung."
MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was
sitting under a tree"
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
part of your body did that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts"
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
"Which one?"
MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the
same to me."
Joke
Penguin
A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.
He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"
The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.
The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.
The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"
The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House
joke
McDonald, who was very sad,met his friend Sandy in the street.He said to his friend,"I cannot make up my mind whether to marry a wealthy widow whom i don't love or a poor girl whom i love very much.
Sandy said,"My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
"You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
"In that case,can you give me the widow's address?
sad غمگین
I cannot make up my mind نمیتونم تصمیم بگیرم
widow بیوه
to meet(met,met) ملاقات کردن
whom که
to advise نصیحت کردن
heart قلب
in that case در اینصورت
whether آیا
to listen گوش دادن
you are right تو راست می گویی
Dumb and Dumber On vacation in Hawaii, my stepmom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
Dumb and Dumber On vacation in Hawaii, my stepmom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."
I have "great" news for you
The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."
Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
Nice Jokes for Nice People
1) “Aunt Mary has a new baby,” a mother told her small daughter. “What was
wrong with the old one?” answered the little girl.
2) Dad- “Son, I’m spanking you because I love you.” Son-“I’d sure like to be big enough to return your love.”
3) “Why are you crying, little girl?” “Cause my brother has holidays and I don’t.” “Well, why don’t you have holidays?” “Because I don’t go to school yet.”
4) “Mommy, do you love me?” “Of course” “Then why not divorce daddy and marry candy man?”
5) A boy was about to purchase a seat for a movie. The box-office man asked,” Why aren’t you at school?” “Oh, it’s all right sir,” said the youngster earnestly.” I’ve got measles.”
A Joke
Joke
Visitor-“how old are you, son?
Boston Boy-“that’s hard to say, sir. According to my latest school tests, I have psychological age of 11 and a moral age of 10. Anatomically, I am 7, mentally, I am 9. But I suppose you refer to my chronological age. That’s 8. But nobody pays attention to that, these days
These Jokes Are Moved From " t=201374 " To Here ///
Last Name Only
The manager of a large office noticed one of his department heads had hired a new man, so the boss called him into his office for a little orientation speech. "What is your name?" he asked.
"John," the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last names only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. John Darling."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is...!!!"
-------------------------
10 Commandments of Marriage
Commandment 1.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
Commandment 2.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
Commandment 3.
Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least 100 grand!
Commandment 4.
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Commandment 5.
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.
Commandment 6.
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
Commandment 7.
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish talking.
Commandment 8.
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife. (just kidding, not in Iran!)
Commandment 9.
Every woman wants a man who is handsome, understanding, economical and a considerate lover, but again, the law allows only one husband.
Commandment 10.
Man is incomplete until he marries. After that, he is finished
:27: :31:
-------------------------
What Movies Have Taught Us
1) All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices, which have large red read-outs to tell you exactly when it will go off.
2) Should you need to pass yourself off as a German officer it will not be necessary to speak the language, a convincing accent will do.
3) All apartments in Paris overlook the Eiffel tower.
4) Most lap top computers are powerful enough to override a bank security system or the communication system of an invading alien civilization.
5) Every single person in martial arts Film has a black belt in karate.
6) When staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
7) 1 man shooting at 20 men has more chance of hitting them than 20 men shooting at 1 man if he is the hero.
8) During a police investigation it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.
9) Large studio-type apartments in big cities are affordable by single people with a low wage.
10) The entire British population lives in London.
11) It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight; your enemies will attack you one at a time while the others dance around you menacingly.
12) In musicals everyone you meet in the street will know all the words to the songs and the steps to the dances.
13) When captured by an evil international terrorist, guns are not necessary to defeat them, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
-------------------------
Florida
Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto arrived in Florida.
In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver... "Say, is this really a healthful place?"
"It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I came here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said the tourist , "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
-------------------------
Selling Vacuum Cleaners
A little old woman answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner."Good morning," said the young man.
"If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
"Go away!" said the old woman. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said.
"Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."
In addition, with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old woman stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning." :31:
-------------------------
Quote of Wisdom
"One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me." --Jack Handy
-------------------------
Sherlock and Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent." :27:
-------------------------
Cowboy and Bible
The religious cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later a cow walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover."
-------------------------
The Short of a Story!
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.
There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have.
-------------------------
Important Q n' A's
Kids Answers to those important questions
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. --Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they Grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. --Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. --Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You Got to be a fool to get married. --Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. --Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. --Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. --Lynnette, age 8
On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. --Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns. --Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. --Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. --Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have --- with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. --Theodore, age 8
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. --Anita, age 9
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8
"And the #1 Favorite is........" HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10
:27::27::27::31:
-------------------------
Floppy Disk Care
By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks.
1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders.
2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. :31:
3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives.
4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive.
5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. :31:
6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot.
7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. :31:
8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. :31:
9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above)
10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope.
11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading. :31: :31:
-------------------------
Scheming...
NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."
"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.
The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."
-------------------------
Baseball in Heaven
There were two old guys, Abe and Sol, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno, Abe. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol...."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Sol," whispers the spirit of Abe.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
-------------------------
Humor Just for Women
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Straight through the rib cage.
Why can't men get mad cow disease?
Because they're all pigs.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A power failure.
-------------------------
Cat in Heaven
A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."
The cat thought for a moment and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors... I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."
God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.
A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives... from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again."
God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.
About a week later, God decided to check on the cat... He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"
The cat replied, "Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL... I've never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little "Meals-on-Wheels" that You have been sending over are delicious. "
-------------------------
Afraid Little Boy
A little boy was afraid of dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. you don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure . He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him." she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
:27:
-------------------------
God's Quality Management Questionnaire
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Torah
__ Bible
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Friend or Relative
__ Other: ____________
Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot
__ Horoscope
__ Fortune cookies
__ Self-help books
__ Biorythms
__ Mantras
__ Insurance policies
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Ann Landers
__ Other: ____________
__ None
God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know
God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, famine, earthquake, war)
1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, sports upsets)
1 2 3 4 5
Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
:31:
"Smooth Operator"
Bumping into a woman on the sidewalk, the Tom Cruise look- alike apologized, "Pardon me!"
"That's quite all right," the woman replied. "You look just like my fourth husband."
"Wow!" he said. "How many times have you been married?"
She winked at him and said, "Three."
-------------------------
Not Wanted
Mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning.
"Nobody in school likes me," he complained. "The teachers don't like me, the kids don't like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don't want to go to school."
"But you have to go to school," said his mother sternly. "You're healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the 'Principal'." :31:
-------------------------
Insurance
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.
"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"
"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap." :27:
-------------------------
Sunday School Lesson
A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"
The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.
And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'!"
:27: :27: :27: :27: :27:
-------------------------
World's Easiest Quiz?
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? Check your answers below!
Answers:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George V's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange, of course.
he he he he... idiots... :31:
-------------------------
State Capitals
Well, there was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
LOL :27: :27: :27:
-------------------------
Listening
The teacher, during an English lesson, asked her students: "Now tell me, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Little Johnny, in the back row, raised his hand.
"Yes, Johnny," said the teacher
"A teacher!" : p
-------------------------
Grenades
Bubba and Clem find three hand grenades and decide to take them to the police station.
"What if one of them explodes before we get there?" asks Clem.
"Don't worry about it," says Bubba.
"We'll just lie and tell them we only found two." : p
-------------------------
Dog Wisdom
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. -Mark Twain
-------------------------
Babies
My five year old daughter asked me the question I'd been dreading. "Mommy , how are babies made?" I did my best to explain but she still looked confused.
"What about kittens? She asked.
"Well it's exactly then same way, " I said.
"Wow!" she said excitedly. "My daddy can do anything" : D
-------------------------
Identity
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"
She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not." : D
:31:
Quiz Show Answers
The Weakest Link
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet? Contestant: Jool carriageway.
Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant: Bombay. :31:
Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant: Crocodiles. Robinson: Wh...? Contestant (interrupting): Pass!
Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.
Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...? Contestant: (long pause) Joe?
Lincs FM phone-in
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain. :31:
Steve Wright Show, Radio 2
Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?
Contestant: India. :31:
Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?
Contestant: Espresso.
Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.
Contestant: Sydney.
This Morning
Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?
Contestant: True?
Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show, so I'll give you that.
BBC Radio Newcastle
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days. :31:
Bob Hope Birthday Quiz, LBC
Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?
Contestant: Four. :31:
BBC GMR, Phil Wood Show
Wood: What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant: Er...
Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...
Contestant: Walked? :31:
National Lottery Jet Set
Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?
Contestant: William Shakespeare.
Chris Searle Show, BBC Radio Bristol
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er... Mexico? :31:
:{D
Internet Lingo
The language of the internet is full of shortcuts. Some, like LOL (laugh out loud) and KISS(keep It Simple Stupid) have gone mainstream. But new online lingo is always popping up.
AYPI: And Your Point Is?
AWGTHTGTTA: Are We Going to Have to Go Through This Again?
BEG: Big Evil Grin
HHO1/2 K: Ha HA, Only Half Kidding
TYCLO: Turn Your CAPS LOCK OFF!
-------------------------
Getting Gray?
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?" :p
-------------------------
Thinking fast, by kids in grade school
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.
---
TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
:p :27:
afshin b
24-04-2010, 14:33
thank u very much dear Cleeev
I hope u continue sending jokes
shahabtt
25-04-2010, 00:04
thank u very much dear Cleeev
I hope u continue sending jokes
sure lets hopeee sooo lol
F l o w e r
18-05-2010, 12:10
could you please help me to understand the following jok i was
reading because it seem s a little bit complecated to understand
it and what is the moral of it ?
Gal (to the shopkeeper) :- What's the price of this dress.
Shopkeeper - Just 4 kiss.
Gal - And what about this dress?
Shopkeeper - 10 kisses.
Gal :- Pack the both, my grandmother will pay the bill.
subzeroking
25-05-2010, 00:41
could you please help me to understand the following jok i was
reading because it seem s a little bit complecated to understand
it and what is the moral of it ?
Gal (to the shopkeeper) :- What's the price of this dress.
Shopkeeper - Just 4 kiss.
Gal - And what about this dress?
Shopkeeper - 10 kisses.
Gal :- Pack the both, my grandmother will pay the bill.
well, about the meaning:
"Gal" here means a young girl. The shop keeper is trying to get the young and most probably hot customer to kiss him in exchange for the dress.
The girl says that her old grand-mother will pay the price, meaning that shopkeeper can get his kisses from the old lady :31:
Undocumented Windows Errors
*WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger
*WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet
*WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file
*WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong
*WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused
*WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Disk view found on drive
*WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware
*WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments
*WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - No one knows what has happened
*WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full
*WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB
*WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More!
*WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened
*WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers
*WinErr: 011 Window open - Do not look outside
*WinErr: 012 Window closed - Do not look inside
*WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ?
*WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of.
*WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed.
Buy a new one. Old windows licence is not valid anymore.
*WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not!
*WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry.
*WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that
*WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate.
*WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code.
*WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
*WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers
*WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Remaining errors will be lost.
*WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos- box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again.
*WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue.
*WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Next errors will not be displayed or recorded.
*WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
*WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure
*WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 580,312,583 Bytes available
:27:
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
:31:When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris
:31:Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice
Fear of spiders is aracnaphobia, fear of tight spaces is chlaustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
Chuck Norris doesn't call the wrong number. You answer the wrong phone
Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move
Ghosts sit around the campfire and tell Chuck Norris stories
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives
Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life
Chuck Norris won American Idol using only sign language
Once the cop pulled over Chuck Norris....the cop was lucky to leave with a warning
Chuck Norris won the World Series of Poker using Pokemon cards
Some magicans can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land
Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants
Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes
Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died
Chuck Norris can listen to music....on mute
Chuck Norris knows what he did, tomorrow
911dials Chuck Norris to see if there's any emergency he hasn't resolved yet. Chuck Norris usually laughs
Twitter subscribes to Chuck Norris
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down
If you type Chuck Norris into Microsoft Word, the little paper-clip just hangs himself
Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together
Whenever Chuck Norris came home late as a teen, his parents were grounded
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird
Chuck Norris drew a triangle with four sides
when batman is in trouble, he turns on the Chuck Norris signal
"When Chuck Norris was asked if he believed that the world was going to end in 2012 he resonded: "Depends how I'm feeling that day
..Chuck Norris jumped off a building once. The ground didn't make it
MacGyver can build a bomb out of paper clips, rubber bands, and soda cans. Chuck Norris can build a bomb out of MacGyver
Chuck Norris hears sign language
The only word that rhymes with orange is Chuck Norris
:31::31:
will tell more if you were interested
.::AMIR::.
30-07-2012, 09:55
. AN OLD TEACHER TOLD TO TO HER STUDENT THAT SHE WANTS TO TEACH TENSES
SHE WROTE A SENTENCE ON THE BOARD :I AM BEAUTIFUL
AND ASKED ABOUT THE TENSE .ONE OF STUDENTD SAID IT IS PAST
sajjad1973
30-07-2012, 11:38
A truck ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) driver was driving 100 penguins ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to the New York Zoo ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) when his truck broke down ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) on the freeway ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). The driver got out of the cab ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) and was looking at the engine ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) when a second truck driver stopped in front of him and asked if he needed any help. The penguins' driver explained that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asked if the other man would take the penguins there. He agreed. Some hours later, the second truck driver drove past the first one, who was still waiting on the freeway for help to come. The penguins, however, were still on the truck! "I thought ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) now."
sajjad1973
31-07-2012, 07:22
One day, a teacher was attempting ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])to teach the names of animals to a class ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) look on his face and responded ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to give up ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) brightened up ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), but then a confused ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!
sajjad1973
01-08-2012, 14:39
A young executive ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) was leaving the office at 6pm when he found the CEO ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) standing in front of a shredder ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is important, and my secretary ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) has left ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). Can you make this thing ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) work?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) the paper, and pressed ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) inside the shredder. "I just need one copy."
sajjad1973
02-08-2012, 16:54
A cowboy ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) rode into town and stopped at a saloon ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) always had a habit ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) of picking on ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) strangers ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). He went back into the bar, handily ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) flipped ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) his gun ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) into the ceiling ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). "Which one of you sidewinders ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) with surprising forcefulness ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) in Texas! And I don't like to have to do ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) restlessly ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). The man, true to his word ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). He saddled up ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) and started to ride out of town. The bartender ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) wandered out ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) of the bar and asked, "Say partner ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
sajjad1973
05-08-2012, 07:53
One day, the chemistry ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) teacher asked his students, "What is the chemical formula ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for water?" Silly ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) Suzie immediately ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) raised ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) her hand. "Yes, Suzie, what's the answer?", the teacher asked. Suzie answered proudly ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), "The chemical formula for water is 'HIJKLMNO'!" Her teacher looked perplexed ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). He asked, "What are you talking about?" Suzie replied, "Yesterday you said the formula for water is H to O ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])!"
sajjad1973
06-08-2012, 09:31
A man dies and goes to Hell ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). The Devil ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) meets him at the gates and says "There are three rooms here. You can choose which one you want to spend eternity ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) in". The Devil takes him to the first room where there are people hanging ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) from the walls by their wrists ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) and obviously in agony ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). The Devil takes him to the second room where the people are being whipped ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) with metal chains ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). The Devil then opens the third door, and the man looks inside and sees many people sitting around, up to their waists ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) in garbage ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), drinking cups of tea. The man decides instantly which room he is going to spend eternity in and chooses the last room. He goes into the third room, picks up his cup of tea and the Devil walks back in saying "Ok, guys ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), tea break ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])'s over, back on your heads!"
sajjad1973
07-08-2012, 08:50
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) a few things when he noticed ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) my son who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for you?" "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!" As he stepped up to ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]).
sajjad1973
08-08-2012, 08:45
A businessman walked into a bank in San Francisco and asked for the loan officer ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). He told the officer that he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) $5,000. The bank officer explained that the bank needed some kind of security ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for such a loan. So the businessman handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checked out ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), and the bank agreed to accept the car as collateral ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for the loan. A bank employee ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) and parked it there. Two weeks later, the businessman returned, repaid ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) the $5,000 with interest ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), which came to $15.41. The loan officer said, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). What puzzles us is why would you bother ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to borrow $5,000?" The businessman replied, "Where else in San Francisco can I park my car for two weeks for only 15 bucks ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])?"
sajjad1973
09-08-2012, 10:40
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) at the kitchen sink ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) of white hair sticking out ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) in contrast ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) white." The little girl thought about this revelation ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) all of grandma's hairs are white?"
sajjad1973
10-08-2012, 11:05
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".
sajjad1973
11-08-2012, 08:24
Two elderly couples ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) you went to last month?" "Outstanding," ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) psychological ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) techniques ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) - visualization ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), association ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) - it has made a big difference ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for me." "That's great! What was the name of that clinic?" Fred went blank ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). He thought and thought but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) and thorns ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])?" "You mean ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" Then he turned to his wife and asked, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun
Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go "
" right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on
"? Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for"
"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua"
sajjad1973
12-08-2012, 08:39
Moses, Jesus, and an older bearded man were playing a round of golf. Moses stepped up to the tee and hit the ball. It headed toward the water. Quickly, Moses raised his club and the water parted, allowing the ball to roll to the other side onto the fairway. Next, Jesus came up and hit his ball toward the same water hole. This time it hovered for a few seconds over the water. Casually, Jesus walked over to it and chipped it up onto the green. The older man then teed up and whacked the ball which headed over to a nearby highway. It bounced off the top of a truck and rolled down the gutter of a nearby house, then landed safely on a lily pad in a small pond where a large bullfrog swallowed it. At that moment a large eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog. As they passed over the golf course, the frog burped and the ball fell out of his mouth and into the hole for a beautiful hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, '' I hate playing with your dad.
sajjad1973
13-08-2012, 12:54
During a busy holiday weekend, a woman who was eight months pregnant ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) went to the railway station ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to return home to her husband. At the reservation counter ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), when her turn came, there was only one ticket left ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). Taking pity ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) on a very old lady behind her in line ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), she offered ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) her berth ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to the old lady and sent a telegram ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to her husband which arrived with a small error ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]): "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) to an old lady."
sajjad1973
15-08-2012, 11:36
A man died and went to heaven ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). An angel ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, 'Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you - we've examined ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) your whole life, and you really didn't do anything particularly ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) good or bad. We're not sure whether ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) we can admit ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) you into heaven or not. Can you tell us anything exceptional ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) you did that can help us make a decision?' The newly arrived soul ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) thought for a moment and replied, 'Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) by a group of goons ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). So I pulled over ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), got out my tire iron ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), and went up to the leader of the gang. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) all over his body and a ring pierced ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) through his nose. Well, I tore ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) the nose ring out of his nose, and told him that he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) me!' 'I'm impressed ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]),' The angel responded, 'When did this happen?' The man replied, 'About two minutes ago'
bahsalam1
15-08-2012, 12:21
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
sajjad1973
16-08-2012, 09:23
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die
sajjad1973
18-08-2012, 18:24
A famous scientist was on his way to a lecture ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) in yet another ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) university when his chauffeur ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) offered an idea. "Hey, boss, I've heard your speech so many times I bet ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) I could deliver ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) it and give you the night off ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])." "Sounds great," the scientist said. When they got to the auditorium ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]), the scientist put on the chauffeur's hat and settled ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) into the back row. The chauffeur walked to the lectern ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) and delivered the speech. Afterward he asked if there were any questions. "Yes," said one professor. Then he launched ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) into a highly technical ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) question. The chauffeur was panic stricken ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) for a moment but quickly recovered ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]). "That's an easy one," he replied. "In fact, it's so easy, I'm going to let my chauffeur answer it!"
? hi Sajjadd . your jokes are always funny. about the last one , i think it gotta be a twisted made-up joke from the Einstein's real story , ha
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
sajjad1973
21-08-2012, 15:56
This kind of joke, about people dying and going to heaven, is common in English. Nobody knows what heaven is really like, so we can make up any story. This is a strange idea of heaven, but with a funny ending. Enjoy
Three men died and went to (1) heaven. They had a nice time there, (2) bobbing around on the clouds, but they eventually (3) got bored of each other and went off (4) on their own for (5) a bit. When they joined up again, the first man brought with him an old, ugly and smelly woman, with a horrible, (6) cackly laugh. The others asked, "What happened?" He replied, "I (7) stepped on a pink cloud." They (8) went their separate ways again. The next time they met up, the second man (9) was accompanied by a (10) foul, (11) fearsome woman, who (12) stank so badly they all (13) gagged. The others asked, "What happened?" The second man replied, "I stepped on a pink cloud." They went their ways again, and the next time they met up, the third man brought with him a beautiful young woman, so (14) radiant they all stared. She was like a goddess! The others asked, "What happened?" This time, the woman replied, "I stepped on a pink cloud."
where good people go when they die (1)
(2) moving up and down, as in water
(3) they became not interested (they "lost" interest)
(4) alone, each man by himself
(5) for a short time
(6) a loud, broken laugh in a high voice
(7) walked on
(8) went by themselves
(9) was with her
(10) dirty and smelly
(11) big, angry and dangerous!
(12) smelled VERY bad
(13) they choked (they could not breathe)
(14) very bright, like a star
sajjad1973
22-08-2012, 10:03
Bats, which are black, furry animals that fly in the night, cannot see well. This joke is about two "vampire" bats who, according to stories, like to drink blood! In this story, one bat finds some blood, but he has some trouble. The joke uses "understatement" - the bat explains how he found blood, and his trouble, in a very simple way which leads to a surprise. Enjoy!
Two (1) vampire bats woke up in the middle of the night, (2) thirsty for (3) blood. One said, "Let's fly out of (4) the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," said the second one. "It's (5) dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replied, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." So, he (6) flew out of the cave. When he returned, he was (7) covered with blood. The second bat said excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat took (8) his buddy to (9) the mouth of the cave. (10) Pointing into the night, he asked, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answered. "Well," explained the first bat, "I didn't."
(1) bats that like to drink blood
(2) they want to drink
(3) the red stuff inside all people and animals
(4) a big hole in a mountain, where many bats live
(5) it was night time, so there was no light
(6) past of "fly"
(7) he had blood all over his body and all over his head
(8) his friend
(9) the entrance
(10) showing the way with his finger (or for a bat, with his wing!)
The bat must be in pain, but he explains so calmly. That makes the ending a surprise, which makes it funny.
sajjad1973
22-08-2012, 21:18
This story takes place near my hometown, in Niagara Falls, which is one of the largest water falls in the world. Enjoy
After completing a highly dangerous (1) tightrope walk over Niagara Falls in terrible wind and rain, 'The Great Zumbrati' was met by an enthusiastic (2) supporter, who (3) urged him to make (4) a return trip, this time pushing (5) a wheelbarrow, which (6) the spectator had thoughtfully brought along. The Great Zumbrati was (7) reluctant, (8) given the terrible conditions, but the supporter (9) pressed him, "You can do it, I know you can," he urged.
"Do you really believe I can do it?" asked Zumbrati.
"Yes, definitely. You can do it!" the supporter (10) gushed. "Okay," said Zumbrati, "Get in the wheelbarrow..."
(1) a rope pulled tight enough to walk on
(2) a person who cheers for him, who hopes for him to succeed
(3) encouraged him
(4) to go back to the other side
(5) a tool with one wheel in front and two handles for a worker to carry
(6) the watcher (in this case, the supporter)
(7) not sure, slow to act
(8) because of
(9) pushed him
(10) spoke quickly, his word like water "gushing" out
sajjad1973
25-08-2012, 11:54
This is a short joke, but it has a lot of good, descriptive words that students should learn. .
The (1) graveside (2) service (3) just barely finished, when there was a tremendous (4) bolt of lightning, followed by (5) massive (6) clap of (7) thunder, (8) accompanied by even more thunder (9) rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at (10) the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, (11) she's there.'
(1) next to where the woman was being put into the ground
(2) a ceremony (usually called "a funeral")
(3) very closely, only a few seconds ago
(4) one big stroke of light from the sky during a storm
(5) very, very big
(6) a very loud noise
(7) the noise that comes after lightning, during a storm
(8) together with
(9) a loud noise that continues
(10) a priest who is leading the ceremony
(11) she has arrived
Explanation: When we read about this kind of ceremony, we think of peace. The woman who passed away is finally "resting in peace" (RIP). At the end, we read about a little old man and imagine the woman was probably a little old woman. But then we are surprised when the little old man connects the lightning and thunder with his wife. From that one sentence, we can guess that she must have been a very tough woman - tough enough even to cause a storm in heaven!
sajjad1973
26-08-2012, 10:08
This joke shows two possible ways of being "smart" or "intelligent". It compares what you KNOW to what you CAN DO. Enjoy!
A man once had an old boat, which he used (1) to ferry people across the river. One day, he was taking a university professor to the other side.
“What is (2) seven times seven?” asked the professor.
“I don’t know,” answered the man.
“Well, how do you (3) spell elephant?” asked the professor.
“I (4) have no idea,” replied the man.
“Didn’t you study anything at school?” (5) demanded the professor, surprised.
“No,” said the man.
“Then you have (6) wasted half your life,” said the professor.
The man was silent for a little while. Then he said, “Can you swim?”
“No,” said the professor. “Then you have wasted ALL of your life. We are (7) sinking.”
(1) to go across a river and come back again
(2) 7 X 7 = 49
(3) to spell a word means "what letters do you use to write it" ("elephant" is spelled e - l - e - p - h - a - n - t)
(4) I don't know
(5) to ask strongly
(6) to not use well (7) going under water
So, in the end, who is smarter? The university professor who cannot swim or the simple man who can swim?
sajjad1973
27-08-2012, 09:07
This joke is about a man who has a clever, but not very honest, idea. See how this gets him into trouble in the end. Enjoy
!
A (1)butcher, who (2) had had a (3) particularly good day, proudly (4) flipped his last chicken on (5) a scale and weighed it. "That will be (6) £6.35," he told the customer.
"That's a good price, but it really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything larger?"
(7) Hesitating, but thinking fast, the butcher returned the chicken to the (8) refrigerator, paused a moment, then took it out again. "This one," he said (9) faintly, " will be £6.65." The woman paused for a moment, then made her decision. (10) "I know what," she said, "I'll take both of them!"
(1) a man who cuts meat and sells it
(2) this is the "past perfect tense" - he had a good day BEFORE this story happened
(3) quite good
(4) threw up onto the counter
(5) a small tool that shows how heavy something is
(6) you should read this as "six pounds, thirty-five pence"
(7) he stopped for a very short time
(8) a place to keep food cold
(9) softly
(10) "I know what I want to do"
sajjad1973
28-08-2012, 08:16
This joke is a "dumb blonde" joke. Many people believe that blonde-haired woman are prettier and more popular than women with dark hair. Does this mean they are also not as smart? Some people believe so, but maybe those people are just jealous - they want to be as popular as women with blonde hair! This joke makes fun of blonde women, even if it's not very fair. Enjoy!
A group of (1) blondes walk into a bar. One of the women tells (2) the bartender to line up a row of drinks for all of them. (3) The gals lift their glasses and (4) toast, "Here's to 51 days!" and they (5) proceed to (6) down their drinks. Once again, they tell the bartender to "line 'em up", and once again they toast 51 days and down their drinks.
The bartender says, (7) "I don't get it. (8) Why in the world are you toasting 51 days?" One of the blondes explains, "We just finished a (9) jigsaw puzzle. It had written on the box (10) '2-4 years,' but we finished it in 51 days!"
(1) women with yellow or "golden" hair
(2) the person who makes drinks in a bar and serves customers
(3) the women ("gal" is slang for "girl")
(4) to make a cheer or a wish such as "Here's to your health"
(5) to move forward or to continue
(6) to drink, usually quickly (the drink goes down their throats)
(7) "I don't understand"
(8) "for what possible reason?"
(9) a puzzle where a picture is cut into many pieces, then you have to put the pieces together again
(10) it is for children aged 2 years to 4 years!
Explanation: Not only do the women misunderstand the phrase "2 to 4 years", it also seems they had difficulty putting the puzzle together. Fifty-one days is a looooooong time for a children's puzzle. (I used to do jigsaw puzzles with 3000 or 5000 pieces. Now THOSE took many weeks to finish.)
sajjad1973
29-08-2012, 10:56
This joke teaches many things - how to choose a bathing suit, how to keep your wife happy, how to end a marriage. Enjoy
!
A woman told this story:
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed (1) a display of (2) bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and (3) twenty pounds since I had even (4) considered buying a bathing suit, so I (5) sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked.
'Should I get (6) a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never (7) get it all in one..' He's still in (8) intensive care.
(1) showing many clothes in a store
(2) clothes we wear to go swimming
(3) she weighed 20 pounds less (about 8 kilograms) ten years before
(4) thought about
(5) past of "seek" = to look for
(6) a bathing suit with two pieces, for women
(7) get her body into the bathing suit
(8) a part of a hospital where very, very, VERY sick people stay
Explanation: Although she calmly described her situation, the woman must have been VERY unhappy with her husband's answer. The lesson is clear. Men, be careful when you give your wife advice!
sajjad1973
30-08-2012, 12:04
This story uses the present tense which makes it seem like a "live" story, as if we are watching a movie or TV program. See if you can guess the surprise ending this time
!
The scene is a newspaper office. (2) The editor says to one of his reporters: "There's a fire (3) raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And (4) above all, get some good (5) shots. If that means you have to (6) hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about (7) the expense." So, the reporter calls the airport and orders a plane. He (8) rushes out to the airport, (9) spots a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot: "Let's go, (10) take off".
As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to (11) altitude, and the reporter then tells him: "See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as close as you can".
(12) Incredulous, the pilot says: "You want me to fly over that fire?"
"Sure, the reporter says, "I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here - to take (13) dramatic shots of the fire!" The pilot looks over with a (14) quizzical look on his face and says: "You're not (15) the flight instructor?"
(1) the situation, just like the opening scene of a movie
(2) the person who makes decisions in a newspaper
(3) "rage" = great anger, so a raging fire is burning wildly, as if it is very angry
(4) the most important thing
(5) photos (we "shoot" photographs)
(6) pay money to rent a plane for a short time
(7) the cost
(8) hurries
(9) sees
(10) when an airplane leaves, it goes up into the air
(11) high in the sky
(12) unable to believe something
(13) exciting photos (as in a "drama")
(14) confused - he does not understand
(15) someone who teaches people how to fly airplanes
Explanation: The reporter must have gotten in the wrong airplane! The pilot is just a student. He knew how to take off but does he know how to land the airplane (bring it back down) without a teacher? (*o*)
sajjad1973
31-08-2012, 07:41
This joke shows a common problem between husbands and wives. Do you think this is true?
A husband had always been (1) disdainful of people who, (2) in his estimation, talk too much. Recently he proudly told his wife he'd heard that men use 2200 words a day, (3) while women use 4400.
The wife (4) pondered that a moment, then (5) concluded, "That's because women have to repeat everything they say to their husbands." He looked up and asked, (6) "Come again?"
(1) he looked down on those people
(2) in his opinion, in his point of view
(3) at the same time
(4) thought deeply
(5) she came to her final thought
(6) "could you repeat that
sajjad1973
01-09-2012, 11:27
This joke is an example of "black humor" with a violent ending, but it is funny because of the man's mistake. I hope you can understand his mistake and never do this yourself
!
A couple of New Jersey (1) hunters were out in (2) the woods when one of them fell to the ground. He didn't seem to be breathing, his eyes were rolled back in his head. The other guy (3) whipped out his cell phone and called (4) the emergency services. He (5) gasped to (6) the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a (7) calm, soothing voice said: "Just (8) take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There was a silence, then a shot was heard. The guy's voice came back on the line. He said: "OK, (9) now what?"
(1) people who shoot at animals for sport
(2) a place with many trees and animals
(3) pulled out very quickly
(4) part of a hospital that helps with sudden accidents or sudden illnesses
(5) air came out of his mouth very quickly
(6) the person who answers the telephone for the hospital
(7) in a soft, peaceful voice
(8) relax
(9) "what should I do now?"
Explanation: The operator said "make sure he's dead", to see if maybe he was still alive. So, the operator should have asked him to check if the friend was still alive! We normally only hear "make sure he's dead" on TV or in the movies, when a killer's boss tells the killer to be sure. The man in this joke is not a killer, but he acts almost like a murderer (a killer) in this case. The influence of TV is a little bit scary! (But remember, it's just a joke, not a real story. Right?)
sajjad1973
02-09-2012, 14:50
This joke is about a big sale. Can you imagine all the eager customers waiting outside for the store to open early in the morning? What would happen if one person tries to "cut" to the front of the line? In this story, we'll find out. Enjoy!
It was the day of the big sale. (1) Rumors of the sale and some advertising in (2) the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed (3) by 8:30 in the morning in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, (4) amid loud and (5) colorful curses.
On the man's second (6) attempt, he was punched (7) square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line, (8) "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the damn store!"
(1) something people say, even if it's not true (but many people believe it's true)
(2) a small newspaper
(3) before that time
(4) with loud voices all around ("mid" in "amid" means "in the middle")
(5) bad language
(6) try
(7) directly on the part of his face below his mouth
(8) "that's the end!"
Explanation: Only with the man's last sentence do we realize he is not cutting to the front of the line. He actually works there and he wants to
sajjad1973
03-09-2012, 11:20
Is it really necessary to learn English? This joke will help answer that question. Enjoy!
Three (1) mice are being (2) chased by a cat. The mice were (3) cornered when one of the mice turned around and (4) barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away (5) scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, (6) it pays to be (7) bilingual!"
(1) plural of "mouse" (1 mouse, 2 mice)
(2) the cat ran after the mice
(3) trapped - the mice could not move
(4) made a sound like a dog
(5) afraid
(6) it is good, as good as getting money!
(7) able to speak two languages
Explanation: You never know when speaking another language can be valuable. The mice learned that in this story. Some day, you will learn the value of being able to speak English well. So, keep on going! (*_^)
sajjad1973
04-09-2012, 13:29
This joke shows how you can explain simple problems if you ever have to talk to a doctor in English. The ending, as usual, is a bit of a surprise. Enjoy
!
A man went to the doctor and (1) explained, "Doctor, wherever I (2) touch, (3) it hurts."
The doctor asked, "What do you mean?"
The man said, "When I touch my (4) shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my (5) knee - OUCH! When I touch my (6) forehead, the pain is (7) excruciating." The doctor said, "I know what's wrong with you - you've (8) broken your finger!"
(1) he told the doctor his problem
(2) puts his finger
(3) he feels pain
(4) the top of your arm, it connects your arm to your body
(5) the middle of your leg, it lets your leg bend
(6) the top of your face, above your eyes
(7) very, very painful
(8) the bone in his finger is broken
sajjad1973
05-09-2012, 12:17
This is a joke about a difficult choice. Imagine a store where a man can buy a wife! In the end, it makes fun of men.
..
A store that sells wives opened where a man may go to choose a wife from among many women. The store has six floors, and the women increase in (1) positive attributes as the shopper (2) ascends. There is however, (3) a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a wife from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down, except (4) to exit the building. No stopping on any lower floors. A man went to the shopping center one day to find a wife. On the first floor, the women have jobs. The man read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than my last girlfriend, but I (5) wonder what's further up?" So, up he went. On the second floor, the women have jobs, love sports, and drink beer. The man smiled to himself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" The third floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, and are extremely good-looking. "Hm, better!" he said. "But I wonder what's upstairs?" The fourth floor has women who have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking and do all the housework. "Wow!" (6) exclaimed the man, "Very (7) tempting. But there must be more, much more, further up!" He (8) headed upanother (9) flight. On the fifth floor, the women have jobs, love sports, drink beer, are extremely good-looking, do all the housework and don't complain or (10) nag about anything. "(11) Hot damn! How close to perfect can you get?" the man said. "But just think what must be (12) awaiting me on the final floor." So, up to the sixth floor he went. The sixth floor has a sign that reads: You are visitor 133,956,779 to this floor. There are no women on this floor. This floor exists (13) solelyas (14) proof that men are impossible (15) to please. Thank you for shopping Wife Mart, and have a nice day.
(1) good things they have or do
(2) goes up
(3) a limit or a small problem
(4) to go out
(5) to think
(6) to say loudly or with excitement
(7) it makes him want to try
(8) to start to go up
(9) one set of stairs
(10) ask her husband many times to do many things
(11) this expression shows excitement
(12) waiting for
(13) only
(14) showing that something is true (15) to make and keep happy
sajjad1973
06-09-2012, 06:42
This joke is very short and very easy, but it shows how real mistakes can be made when speaking English. Enjoy!
Bob told Betty that he had (1) an acquaintancewith (2) a wooden leg named Smith. So Betty asked him "That's very (3) curious. What was the name of his other leg?"
(1) somebody he knows, but not very well like a friend
(2) a fake leg (not real) - he must have lost his leg in a bad accident
(3) a little bit strange
Explanation: Bob should have said he had "an acquaintance named Smith with a wooden leg". The way he said it, it seems the wooden leg's name is Smith!
sajjad1973
07-09-2012, 07:41
This joke shows the weak points of both engineers and managers. I think the engineer wins in the end! Enjoy the story
A man is flying in (1) a hot air balloonand (2) realizes he is lost. He(3) reduceshis (4) altitude and (5) spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon,(6) hovering(7) approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north (8) latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees west (9) longitude."
"You (10) must be anengineer" says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea (11) what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you(12) expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow (13) my fault."
(1) a big balloon full of hot gas that flies - people can stand in a basket tied to the balloon
(2) understands
(3) makes smaller or lower
(4) height (how high the balloon is)
(5) sees
(6) hanging in the air without moving
(7) about, not exactly
(8) how far north or south
(9) how far east or west
(10) he has a reason to think that
(11) how to understand or how to use
(12) wait for me
(13) because of my mistake (even if he made no mistake!)
sajjad1973
08-09-2012, 06:51
This joke is about three elderly (older) men who think they can hear perfectly. What do you think
Three (1) retirees, each with (2) a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One (3) remarkedto the other, (4) "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man (5) chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
(1) elderly people who have finished working (they have "retired")
(2) they can not hear as well as they could when they were younger
(3) he said something about what he saw
(4) there is a lot of wind
(5) he said happily
Explanation: The second man thought "Windy" was Wednesday (so he replied "No, it's Thursday") then the third man thought "Thursday" was "thirsty" (so he thought of drinking some beer!). I guess their hearing is not as good as they think!
sajjad1973
09-09-2012, 10:51
This joke is about an ordinary soldier talking to a General. He tried to be careful with his words, but he slipped up (he made a mistake) at the end. Enjoy
It was a dark, (1) stormy, night. The soldier was on his first (2) assignment, and it was (3) guard duty. A (4) General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The (5) nervous young (6) Private jumped to (7) attention, made a perfect (8) salute, and (9) snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!" The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?" Well, it wasn't a nice night, but the Private (10) wasn't going to disagree with the General, so he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!". The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find (11) soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?" The Private didn't agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog (12) to train." The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!" The General continued "I got this dog for my wife." The Private simply said "Good (13) trade Sir!"
(1) with lots of rain and maybe lightning and thunder
(2) a job
(3) he had to stand outside all night to watch for trouble
(4) the top person in an army
(5) worried, a little bit afraid
(6) the lowest person in an army, an ordinary soldier
(7) standing straight and tall, ready for anything
(8) a sign with his hand held up to his forehead
(9) spoke loudly and clearly
(10) he had to agree!
(11) make him feel calm
(12) to teach
(13) an exchange
Explanation: When the General said "I got this dog for my wife", the soldier thought the General got rid of his wife (he gave his wife to somebody else) and got the dog in exchange! The soldier is saying this as a compliment, as something good - the General is very smart to trade his wife for such a beautiful dog! Do you think the General would agree or disagree with the soldier???
sajjad1973
10-09-2012, 11:07
This joke is about a man who has moved up in his company very fast, getting many promotions. (A promotion is when you are given a better job in the same company.) For some reason, however, he does not seem very excited... Enjoy
The boss called one of his (1) employeesinto the office. "Rob," he said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off in (2) the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to (3) district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to (4) vice-chairman. Now it's time for me (5) to retire, and I want you (6) to take overthe company. (7) What do you say to that?"
"Thanks," said the employee.
"Thanks?" the boss was (8) taken aback. "Is that all you can say?" "I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."
(1) a worker
(2) a place that delivers letters, and sometimes newspapers and magazines
(3) a whole, big area of the city or country
(4) the number two position in the company
(5) to finish a career, when an older worker stops working
(6) to become the top person in the company
(7) what's your opinion, what do you think?
(8) a bit surprised
Explanation: While reading this story, we have to wonder why this man has moved up so fast. He must be so smart! He must be so talented! This is a truly great man! Well, maybe not...
sajjad1973
11-09-2012, 11:46
This joke makes fun of Windows and the people who make Windows. Enjoy
There were three engineers in a car. One was (1) an electrical engineer, one was (2) a chemical engineer and one was a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stopped by the side of the road, and the three engineers looked at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggested (3) stripping down the electronics of the car and trying (4) to trace where a fault might have (5) occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggested that maybe (6) the fuel was getting (7) blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion, (8) “Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it'll work!”
(1) an expert in electricity and electrical systems
(2) an expert in chemicals and chemical reactions
(3) to uncover and open it up so we can see inside
(4) to follow
(5) happened
(6) energy (for a car, gasoline is the fuel)
(7) stopped
(8) a way to make a suggestion (another way is "how about if we...")
Explanation: His idea sometimes work with Windows on a computer, but can it work with a car? This particular engineer is "overgeneralizing" - he is using his own narrow experience to try to understand problems in a very different situation.
sajjad1973
12-09-2012, 15:44
This joke is about a couple getting divorced (ending their marriage) in a court of law. In most divorce cases, the husband ends up paying money called "alimony" to his wife, to help support her when she is alone. In this story, does the Judge explain his decision well enough? (*o*
“Mr. Clark, I have (1) reviewed this (2) case very carefully,” the divorce court Judge said, “And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week”. “That's very fair, (3) Your Honor,” the husband said. “And (4) every now and then I'll try to send her a few (5) bucks myself."
(1) looked carefully or "looked over"
(2) a problem discussed in a court of law
(3) a polite title (name) for a Judge
(4) sometimes (not very often)
(5) dollars
Explanation: When the Judge used the verb "give", he meant his decision would give the woman $775. It is normally the husband's duty (his requirement) to pay the alimony. But this man, when he heard the word "give", thought the Judge would pay it. Now THAT would be a very nice Judge! (^_^)
sajjad1973
13-09-2012, 06:42
This joke is about a young man who gets himself into trouble but can always get himself out of trouble by thinking fast. Enjoy!
There was a boy who worked in (1) the produce section of a super market. A man came in and asked to buy half (2) a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, only half. The boy explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the stock room and said, "There is (3) some jerk out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager (4) okayed the request and the man (5) went on his way. Later on the manager said to the boy, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You (6) think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from, son?" The boy replied, (7) "Minnesota, sir." "Oh, really? Why did you leave Minnesota?" (8) inquired the manager. The boy replied, "They're all just (9) whores and hockey players up there." "My wife is from Minnesota", (10) exclaimed the manager. The boy instantly replied, "Really! What team did she play for?"
(1) the part of a supermarket that sells fresh vegetables and fruits
(2) one round "piece" of lettuce (it looks like a head, doesn't it?)
(3) a stupid man ("some" suggests that he is not important)
(4) "ok" is made into a verb by some people - he said "ok"
(5) went out
(6) think quickly
(7) a very cold state in the north of the U.S.
(8) asked
(9) prostitutes (women who sell their bodies for money)
(10) said loudly
Explanation: The boss saw him get out of trouble once but then the young man insulted all women of his home state of Minnesota. Of course he just assumed the boss' wife played hockey because she could not be one of those bad women who sell themselves. Do you think the boss believed him?
sajjad1973
14-09-2012, 08:33
This joke uses misdirection to make us laugh at the end. Enjoy
Sammy (1) took Sally out dancing. Sammy was (2) having a good time when Sally (3) suddenly said to him, “You could be a good dancer (4) except for two things.”
Sammy eagerly asked, “What are the two things?” Sally (5) calmly replied, “Your feet!”
(1) He brought her to someplace to have fun
(2) having fun
(3) very quickly, it was not expected
(4) other than, besides those two things
(5) peacefully
Explanation: Sammy was hoping for two ideas from Sally, two pieces of advice that could help him become a good dancer. If only he had different feet, maybe he could be a good dancer. But he cannot get new feet so, in Sally's opinion, he will never be a good dancer. (It seems Sammy is a lot like me!)
east&west
14-09-2012, 23:06
Bunch of retarded arabs kill four Americans to show their disapproval of a stupid movie that accused their prophet of pedophilia and violence …… what a joke
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
sajjad1973
15-09-2012, 06:45
This joke uses "misdirection". The language gets us to think one way, so in the end we get a surprise. Enjoy
Woman A told Woman B, 'I have the (1) perfect son'.
Woman B asked, 'Does he (2) smoke?'
Woman A answered, 'No, he doesn't'.
Woman B: 'Does he drink (3) whiskey?'
Woman A: 'No, he doesn't'.
Woman B: 'Does he ever come home late?'
Woman A: 'No, he doesn't'.
Woman B: (4) 'I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?'
Woman A: "He will be six months old next Wednesday' .
(1) he has no bad points (he is 100% good!)
(2) smoke cigarettes (tobacco)
(3) very strong alcohol
(4) she believes it must be true
Of course Woman B believed Woman A's son was grown up. Since she believed it, we also believed it. Surprise!
sajjad1973
16-09-2012, 06:47
This joke uses an expression ("a second opinion") often used when we have a serious health problem. If we are not sure of our doctor's advice, we can get "a second opinion" from another doctor. This is very common when the decision is very important but in this joke, the decision is not so important so the doctor's final answer is quite a surprise. Enjoy
The doctor said to his (1) patient: 'Your health is getting (2) worse because you are so (3) overweight. You are really very fat and need to lose (4) at least20 kilograms.'
The patient replied to the doctor: 'I want to get (5) a second opinion.' 'Okay', the doctor (6) spoke again, 'you are very(7) uglytoo!'
(1) a sick person who goes to see a doctor
(2) "more bad" (we say "good - better - best" and "bad - worse - worst)
(3) too heavy or too fat
(4) the lowest number, maybe he needs to lose MORE than 20 kilos!
(5) he wants to go see another doctor
(6) past of "speak"
(7) not good looking
The doctor is using the the first meaning of "opinion", which is just his personal idea, not the opinion of a professional doctor! (^_*)
sajjad1973
16-09-2012, 06:51
This joke is about a simple gambling game. Only one person, however, really wants to play the game. The Engineer in this story comes up with a clever way to stop the game and win some money at the same time. Enjoy!
A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer (2) leaned over to the Engineer and asked if he wanted to play a fun game. The Engineer just wanted to sleep so he politely (3) declined, turned away and tried to sleep. The Programmer (4) persisted and explained that it's a (5) real easy game. He explained,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declined and tried to sleep. The Programmer, now somewhat (6) agitated, said, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agreed to the game. The Programmer asked the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The Engineer didn't say a word and just (7) handed the Programmer $5. Next it was the Engineer's turn. He asked the Programmer,"What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looked at him with (8) a puzzled look, took out his laptop computer, looked through all his (9) references and after about an hour (10) woke the Engineer and handed the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely took the $50 then turned away and tried to return to sleep. The Programmer, a little (11) miffed, asked, "Well what's the answer to the question?" (12) Without a word, the Engineer reached into his wallet, handed $5 to the Programmer, turned away and returned to sleep.
(1) a computer programmer, someone who makes the software that lets us do things with computers
(2) he moved his body to the side, closer to the Engineer
(3) he said "no", he refused
(4) he continued, he would not stop
(5) we should say "really easy" but we often say "real easy" even though it is not correct!
(6) bothered a little
(7) gave (from his hand to the other person's hand)
(8) his face looked like he was confused or unsure
(9) books or other materials with lots of information
(10) past of "wake" (he made him wake up)
(11) a little angry
(12) silently, without speaking
Explanation: Even though the Engineer failed twice, he only had to pay a total of $10, but he got $50 for the one impossible question he asked of the Programmer. He earned $40 AND he was finally able to get some sleep. Do you think the Programmer is happy that he "won" the game? (The
sajjad1973
04-10-2012, 10:51
Humor in Britain often uses "understatement", as does this joke. It starts with a very large animal (a hippopotamus, or "hippo" for short) going into a coffee shop, a very strange idea, isn't it? When the waiter tries to cheat the big hippo, we naturally expect a big response
.
One hot day, (1) a hippo went into (2) a café, sat down at a table and (3) ordered a large glass of orange juice with ice. (4) The waiter was very surprised to see a hippo, and to hear it talk, but he got it the glass of orange juice with ice. The waiter thought the hippo knew nothing about money, and so, when the hippo gave him (5) a five pound note, the waiter gave him just one pound in change. “I hope you enjoyed the orange juice,” said the waiter. “We don’t often (6) get hippopotamuses in here.” “With orange juice at four pounds a glass,” said the hippo, “ I’m not surprised
.”
(1) a big animal from Africa with a very big mouth and small ears
(2) a small restaurant where we can drink coffee or other drinks
(3) ask for food or drink in a restaurant
(4) paper money equal to five pounds
(5) when restaurants "get" customers, it means they "have" customers (customers are coming in)
Explanation: Part of the humor of this joke, I think, is because the hippo's simple answer seems surprisingly human. Another part of the humor comes from the fact that there is usually another reason we don't see many hippos in cafes - because hippos normally swim in African rivers, rather than sit in London cafes!
sajjad1973
05-10-2012, 19:50
This joke is about a man in New York City who gives an excuse to his boss because he is late to work again. He tells a long story with many details. Sometimes, more details make a story sound more realistic. Do you think this story is realistic? What part is the MOST unrealistic in your opinion?
Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked (1) sarcastically. "Let's hear a good (2) excuse for a change." Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. (3) The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then (4) the drawbridge got (5) stuck. (6) Rather than let you down, I (7) swam across the river. Look, my suit's still (8) damp. I ran out to the airport, got a ride on (9) Donald Trump's (10) helicopter, landed on top of (11) Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here (12) piggyback by one of (13) the Rockettes." "You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously (14) disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."
(1) in a critical way - he is suggesting that Jones always gives bad reasons for being late
(2) a reason for doing something wrong
(3) he could say "my wife" but we often do say "the wife" to refer to our own wife
(4) a bridge that rises to let boats go under (but cars on the bridge must stop)
(5) it could not move
(6) instead of
(7) past of "swim"
(8) a little bit wet (you can feel the water)
(9) a famous, and rich, businessman in New York
(10) it's like an airplane but it goes straight up and has a big propeller (like a wing) on the top that goes around
(11) a famous place for listening to music or watching live shows in New York City
(12) one person is carried on another person's back
(13) a very famous group of dancers
(14) he thinks it's not a good story
Explanation: So, of all the unbelievable things Mr. Jones described, the fact that his wife got ready in only ten minutes seems the most unbelievable to the boss. Well, now that I think about it, it may be true! What do you think?
sajjad1973
05-10-2012, 20:24
This joke is about a very rainy city (Seattle, famous for "Microsoft"), similar to my hometown, Rochester, New York. Sometimes in the spring, we get so much rain that it seems it will never stop! Enjoy the story.
A (1) newcomer to (2) Seattle arrives on a rainy day. She (3) gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that. She goes out to lunch and sees (4) a young kid and, (5) out of despair, asks, "Hey, kid, does it ever stop raining around here?" The kid says, "(6) How should I know? I'm only 6."
(1) a person who has lived there for a short time
(2) a very rainy city in the North West U.S.
(3) wakes up, gets out of bed
(4) a small boy
(5) feeling bad, with no hope (will the rain ever stop?)
(6) "I can't know something so difficult!"
Note: From the boy's answer, it seems as though it has rained every day for the past six years!
sajjad1973
07-10-2012, 18:28
This joke uses a "play on words" - one word has two meanings. There is a customer who cannot understand a very simple message from somebody who is trying to help him. Enjoy the story
A new customer called (1) Tech Support to ask about (2) instructions from his computer's (3) user's manual. "It says, hit any (4) key and when I do that nothing happens'.
The Tech Support (5) staff member replied, "Can you try again and tell me what happens?"
The customer (6) explained, "I tried but nothing happened".
The Tech Support worker then asked, "What key did you hit?" After (7) a moment and some (8) clinking sound the customer replied, "Well, first I tried my (9) car key and just now my (10) office key."
(1) an office that can help you with machines
(2) how to do something
(3) a book that tells you everything about a machine
(4) a letter or number on a computer "keyboard"
(5) a worker
(6) said why or what, in detail
(7) a very short time
(8) the sound of metal hitting metal
(9) a key used to get into a car
(10) a key used to get into an office
The customer confused keys that are used to open doors with the keys on a computer. Not very smart!
sajjad1973
12-10-2012, 08:29
یه سری جک هست که تمرکزشون روی فراگیری گرامر از طریق جک هست - از ساده ترینشون شروع میکنم -
A1. The polar bear
present simple
POLAR BEAR CUB: Mum, am I a real polar bear?
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Yes, dear, of course you are.
POLAR BEAR CUB: Really?
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Yes, son. I’m a polar bear. Your dad’s a polar bear. Your grandparents are polar bears. Your sisters are polar bears. Your brothers are polar bears.
POLAR BEAR CUB: I know that, mum. But am I a real polar bear?
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Of course you are. Be quiet and eat your fish.
POLAR BEAR CUB: But I’m not a polar bear, I’m sure.
POLAR BEAR MOTHER: Listen to me. You are a real polar bear. Why do you ask the same question again and again?
POLAR BEAR CUB: Because I’m freezing!
Grammar: present simple
The verb to be is irregular. Look at the full forms and the contracted forms.
Positive
Contracted form
Negative
Contracted forms
I am
I'm
I am not
I'm not
You are
You're
You are not
You're not / You aren't
She is
She's
She is not
She isn't / She's not
He is
He's
He is not
He isn't / He's not
It is
It's
It is not
It isn't / It's not
We are
We're
We are not
We aren't / We're not
They are
They're
They are not
They aren't / They're not
For short positive answers, don't use the contracted form.
Incorrect:
Yes, I’m.
Correct:
Yes, I am.
Incorrect:
Yes, they’re.
Correct:
Yes, they are
sajjad1973
12-10-2012, 09:11
A2. Good dog!
auxiliary verbs / short answers
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Grammar: short answers with auxiliary verbs
We often use an auxiliary verb when we answer a question with Yes or No. It sounds more natural and polite to use this form than to just use Yes or No without an auxiliary.
Question
Positive short answer
Negative short answer
Are you OK?
Yes, I am.
No, I'm not.
Is this our bus?
Yes, it is.
No, it isn't.
Does Jack work with you?
Yes, he does.
No, he doesn't.
Do your parents come from Spain?
Yes, they do.
No, they don't.
Can I open the window?
Yes, you can.
No, you can't.
With positive auxiliary short answers don't use the contracted forms.
Are you angry? [Yes, I'm.] Yes, Iam.
sajjad1973
13-10-2012, 07:50
A3. At a party
can for requests
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Grammar: can/ can't
To give permission, or to ask for permission use can+ infinitive (without to).To refuse permission or to say something is against the rules usecan't + infinitive (without to).
A: You can't sitthere.
B:Where canI sit?
A:Can I sit here?
B:Yes, you can.
A:CanI bring my dog in here?
B:No, you can’t.
A:When can I leave?
منبع: [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
sajjad1973
14-10-2012, 08:49
A4. The rabbit and the butcher[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
some / any
One day a rabbit walked into the butcher's shop and asked the butcher, 'Do you have anycarrots?'
The butcher replied, 'No, I'm sorry, sir, but this is a butchers' shop. We don't sell vegetables in here. Go to the greengrocer at the other end of the street. I'm sure he's got some carrots.'
The rabbit thanked the butcher and left the shop.
The next day the rabbit went into the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning! I'd like a lettuce and some carrots, please.'
'Look, I'm sorry, sir! I told you yesterday - we don't sell any vegetables in here, only meat.'
'OK, I see,' said the rabbit and left the shop.
On the third day, the rabbit walked into the shop again and said,
'Hello, could you give me somecarrots and a cabbage, please?'
This time the butcher was very angry.
'I told you yesterday and the day before. We don't sell any vegetables in here. No carrots, no lettuce, no cabbage and no onions. Do you understand? The next time you come in here and ask for vegetables, I'm going to take a hammer and I'm going to nail your ears to the floor!'
The next day, the rabbit was in the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning!' he said. 'Do have any nails?'
'No,' said the butcher, 'I don't have any nails.'
'Do you have a hammer?' asked the rabbit.
'No, I don't,' the butcher replied.
'Good,' said the rabbit, 'Then can I have some carrots, please?'
Grammar: some and any
In general, we usually use some in positive sentences and any in negative sentences and questions. (Note that there are other uses of these words.)
He has some carrots.
He doesn't have any carrots
Do you have any carrots?
With offers and requests with would like and can I have, we usually use some, not any.
Would you like some carrots?
The next day, the rabbit was in the butcher's shop again.
'Good morning!' he said. 'Do have any nails?'
'No,' said the butcher, 'I don't have any nails.'
'Do you have a hammer?' asked the rabbit.
'No, I don't,' the butcher replied.
'Good,' said the rabbit, 'Then can I have some carrots, please?'
.
:39::39::39::39:
It fairly reminded me of prison break serial ( season 2 , episode 7) . when Charles Patoshik ( the one suffered from mental disorders) took some materials ( of course he didn't want to pay for them ) from that tool shop and the shopkeeper just caught him red-handed
Charles noticed that the shopkeeper's leg had been injured and he was not able to walk without his stick
..what happened to your knee there? - Charles said
motorcycle accident- shopkeeper responded
so..uhmm..you don't move around too well then.. do you?- Charles asked
not very- shopkeeper said
oh..that's good- Charles said :d
:sq_2: obviously when Charles found out the shopkeeper could not run too well , Charles made the hay and ran
sajjad1973
15-10-2012, 08:02
A5. Lost boots
possessive adjectives and pronouns
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Teacher: What’s wrong
Boy: I can’t find my boots.
Teacher: What kind of boots are they?
Boy: They’re long green ones.
Teacher: There’s a pair of green boots right here. Are you sure these aren’t yours?
Boy: No, those aren’t mine. Mine had snow on them
.
Grammar: possessive adjectives and pronouns
You use these possessive adjectives before a noun: my, your, his, her, its, our, their.
You use these possessive pronouns instead of a noun: mine, yours, his, hers, its, ours, theirs.
These words show who is the owner of things
.
subject pronoun
possessive adjective
possessive pronoun
Ihave a book.
It’s my book.
It's mine.
Shehas a phone.
It’s her phone.
It's hers.
He has a bag.
It’s hisbag.
This bag is his.
Wehave a room.
It’s our room.
It’s ours.
Youhave a pen.
It’s yourpen.
It’s yours.
Theyhave a house.
It’s theirhouse.
It’s theirs.
sajjad1973
16-10-2012, 07:47
A6. In the bathroompresent continuous [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Mum: Alice, what are you doing in here Alice: [/B]I’m standing on a chair.
Mum: But why are you standing on the chair?
Alice: I’m looking into the mirror, mum.
Mum: But you’ve got your eyes closed, Alice.Why are you doing that?
Alice: I want to see what I look like when I’m sleeping.
Grammar: Present continuousYou use the present continuousto talk about things people are doing right now, at the moment of speaking.
The present continuous is formed from the verb [I]to be + verb + -ing (gerund).This form is also sometimes called the present progressive.
I’m working.
Are you sleeping?
He’s watching TV.
Is she studying English?
We’re staying for 2 days.
What are they doing in there?
sajjad1973
17-10-2012, 09:44
A7. The King of the Jungle
superlatives
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
Grammar: superlative adjectives
In general, usethe + adjective +est for shorter adjectives and the most + adjective for longer adjectives. We usually use the(the definite article) before a superlative.
This is the tallest buildingin the city.
August is usually the hottest month of the year.
I don’t want to buy the most expensive dictionary.
The adjectivesgood, bad, and far have irregular superlative forms.
It was the best meal I’ve had for a long time.
This joke is the worst I’ve ever heard.
Who can throw this ball the furthest?
sajjad1973
18-10-2012, 10:34
A8. A cooling swim
infinitive of purpose
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Two young women were out walking in the country on a hot summer’s day when they saw a beautiful lake close to the road.
‘It’s so hot! Let’s go for a swim in that lake to cool down!’suggested the first woman.
‘But we haven’t got any swimming things to put on,’ said the other, ‘We can’t swim naked!’
‘Oh, don’t worry about that!’ reassured the first woman, ‘There’s nobody here to see us.’
So they took off all their clothes and got into the lovely cool water for a swim.
After only a few minutes they noticed a farmer walking towards the lake carrying a large bucket.
‘Are you here to askus to get out of the lake?’ the first woman asked.
‘I think he’s here to look at us!’ said the second woman.
The old farmer frowned and held up the bucket for them to see.
‘No, I’m not here to tell you to get out of the lake and I didn’t come here to watch you ladies swim naked.’ he replied. ‘I’m just here to feed the alligator.’
Grammar: infinitive of purpose
You can explain why you do something with to + verb.
Why did you leave the meeting? To makea phone call.
I’m writing to thank you for your help.
I phoned Harry to invite him to dinner.
sajjad1973
19-10-2012, 11:02
B1. Parachutes
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
superlatives
On a flight on a small private plane, a doctor, a lawyer, a model, and an old lady with her grandson were the only passengers. Unfortunately, the plane developed engine trouble. The pilot went back to speak to the passengers.
‘I have good news and bad news,’ he said. ‘The bad news is that the plane is going to crash, but the good news is that we have some parachutes. However, there are six people on this plane and we only have five parachutes. As you can see, I’m wearing mine right now.’
With that, the pilot jumped out of the plane, pulled the cord for his parachute and disappeared from view. The doctor spoke up first.
‘Well, my job is saving lives and that’s one of the most important jobs in the world, so I should have one of the parachutes’, and she took a pack and jumped.
Next was the lawyer.
‘I’mthe most intelligent man in the world, so I should have one, too,’ he said, and he took a pack and leapt from the plane. Then the model stood up.
‘I’m one of the most beautiful women in the world, so I think I should have one as well.’
Sadly, the grandmother turned to her grandson.
‘Well, there’s only one left. I think you should have it, dear. I’ve already had the best years of my life.’
‘Oh, don’t worry, grandma,’ said the boy, ‘The most intelligent man in the worldjust jumped out of the plane with my back pack.’
Grammar: superlatives
For short adjectives, use the + adjective + -estto form the superlative.
Where is the longest riverin the world?
It was the hottest day of the year.
For longer adjectives use the most + adjective to form the superlative:
It was the most interesting placeI’ve ever been to.
What’s the most expensive thingyou’ve ever bought?
After superlatives use in for places.
It’s one of the most important jobs in the world.
After superlatives use of for periods of time.
It’s the best time of your life.
sajjad1973
20-10-2012, 06:47
B2. Healthy living
adverbs of frequency
Lucy Williams worked in an office near the city centre . She usually went for a walk in the park during her lunch hour. Nearly every day she saw a very old man who was always in the park on the same bench. He had white hair and a long white beard and a very contented expression. She sometimes nodded to him or said hello and he always smiled back very happily. One day, she decided to stop and speak to him.
‘Excuse me,’ said Lucy, ‘I often see you here. You always seem very cheerful and you’re never sick! What’s your secret for a long and happy life?’
‘My secret?’ asked the old man, smiling at her ‘I don’t have a secret.’
‘But how often do you take exercise?’ asked Lucy.
‘I nevertake any exercise, young lady.’
‘What about your diet? How often do you eat fresh fruit and vegetables?’
‘I hardly ever eat vegetables.’ he replied, still smiling, ‘And I smoke almost all the time.’
‘That’s amazing!’ said Lucy. ‘How old are you?’
‘Thirty five,’ he replied
Grammar: adverbs of frequency
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
These are adverbs which describe how often you do something.
With most verbs put the adverb before the verb: I hardly ever eat vegetables.
With the verb to beput the adverb after the verb: He was always on the bench.
sajjad1973
21-10-2012, 07:25
B3. Country road
adverbs of manner
Henry Kilburn loved fast cars. One day he looked out of the window and saw that the sun was shining brightly.
‘It’s a good day for a drive in the country,’ he said to himself, happily.
So he set off in his shiny red sports car and turned on the radio. He started singing loudly to one of his favourite tunes and he put his foot down on the accelerator. The car was moving quickly through the countryside, when he went over the top of a hill and saw another car moving towards him. The woman in the car was driving very slowly, and she was honking her car horn.
As Henry passed her, she rolled the car window down, put her head out and shouted loudly,‘Pig! Pig!’
‘Ridiculous,’ Henry thought to himself angrily,‘I know I’m driving fast, but I’m driving carefully. Just because I'm driving fast, it doesn't mean I'm driving badly.’
‘Stupid cow!’ he shouted at her out of his window and drove away even faster.
Around the next corner he crashed his car into a pig.
Grammar: adverbs of manner
Adverbs of manner describe the way you do something. In the same way as adjectives can describe a noun, adverbs can describe a verb. Many adverbs are formed with adjective + -ly.
adjective + noun
adverb + verb
It was a quick meal.
We ate quickly.
She is a careful driver.
She drives carefully.
He’s a bad tennis player.
He plays tennis badly.
It was an easyexam.
I answered the questions easily.
There are some irregular adverbs which do not end in –ly:
Cathy is a goodcook.
Cathy cooks very well.
It was a fast car.
He drove very fast.
It was hardwork.
We worked very hard.
sajjad1973
22-10-2012, 07:22
B4. Fear of flying
be going to intentions and predictions
Mr. Harrison needed to fly from London to New York. He was afraid of flying but the journey was important for his job so he bought a plane ticket from a travel agent.
At the airport, he tried not to be nervous about his first flight.
‘I’m not going to worry about it’, he told himself ‘Everything is going to be fine. I’m going to get on the plane, I’m going to go to sleep for a few hours and when I wake up I’m going to be in New York.’
The plane took off and after an hour in the air, there was a loud noise. Mr. Harrison heard one of the flight attendants say to the other, ‘ Oh no! That sounds really bad.’
Mr. Harrison called the flight attendant over and asked,‘Excuse me, but is everything going to be OK?’
‘Oh, don’t worry about a thing, sir. Everything is going to be just fine. We’re going to arrive a little later in New York, but that’s all. Just fasten your seatbelt and go back to sleep.’
Mr. Harrison tried to go back to sleep again but only ten minutes later, there was screaming and shouting from other passengers as they pointed out of the window.
‘The engines are on fire! We’re going to crash! We’re all going to die!’
The pilot opened the door of the cockpit and told the passengers to keep calm. He was smiling and his voice was relaxed so Mr. Harrison felt a little better. The pilot walked to the emergency exit of the plane and took some packages from under a seat. He gave some to the flight attendants and took one for himself.
Mr. Harrison was now very worried and so he asked an attendant, ‘Excuse me, but are those packages parachutes? You said we had nothing to worry about!’
‘No, sir. Don’t worry about a thing. We’re going to ge tsome help.’
Grammar: be going to used for intentions and predictions
You can use be going to + verb to make predictions about the future, particularly when your prediction is based on the evidence of your senses or experience.
Look at those clouds. It’s going to rainsoon.
Your car engine is making a bad noise. It’s going to break down.
You can use be going to + verbto talk about things you have arranged to do in the future.
I’m going to get on the plane.
I’m going to visit my cousins on Saturday
sajjad1973
23-10-2012, 07:38
B5. In the ice cream shop
will for decisions
A man went into a restaurant and the waitress came over to ask him what he wanted.
The man said, 'I'll have some vanilla ice cream and some strawberry ice cream, some lemon ice cream and some banana ice cream.'
'OK, sir.' said the waitress, 'Will there be anything else?'
'Er, yes...' said the man, 'Do you have any chocolate sauce?'
'Yes, sir. We do,' replied the waitress.
'Great, I'll have double chocolate sauce on that.'
'Anything else, sir?'
'Oh, yes, do you have any cream?'
'Certainly sir.'
'And,' continued the man, 'I'll have extra cream on all of those.'
'Yes sir.' said the waitress, writing down the whole order, 'And would you like any nuts on top?'
'Nuts?' said the man, horrified, 'Oh, no! I won't have any nuts. I'm on a diet.'
Grammar: will for decisions
When you make a decision at the time of speaking use will + verb (without to). We often use this form at the moment of making a choice.
I'll have a glass of mineral water please.
I won't have a desert but I'll have a coffee please.
sajjad1973
24-10-2012, 10:25
B6. Fishing in the rain
past continuous
It was a cold dark evening in February in the city. It was raining heavily and the roads were covered in water. George was leaving his office after work when he noticed a poor old man. The man was standing next to a puddle in the road. He was wearing long rubber fishing boots and he was holding a stick with a piece of string. The string was hangingin the puddle. George asked the old man what he was doing and the man replied that he was fishing.‘Poor guy!’, George thought. The old man was obviously going crazy. George felt sorry for the old man, and he was getting very wet, standing outside in the rain, so he decided to invite the old man to have a drink with him in a nearby bar.
George ordered a drink for himself and bought one for the old man. The old man was smiling happily as he was drinking. While they were finishing their drinks, George tried to start a conversation. He turned to the old man and asked,
'So is the fishing good today?'
‘Not bad today, thanks.’ replied the old man.
'And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.
Grammar: past continuous
We use the past continuous form to describe the background events in a story. It is often used to talk about the weather, to describe what people were wearing and to talk about actions which were in progress at the beginning of the story.
We were wearing very smart clothes because we were going to a wedding.
The sun was shining and Helen was feeling very happy.
We often use the time expressions as and while with the past continuous form to show that the two things were happening at the same time.
I was cleaning the apartment while you were drinking in the bar.
It was raining heavily as I was walking home.
.
sajjad1973
25-10-2012, 09:09
B7. Pirate story
past continuous / past simple
An old pirate was sitting in the bar. He was smoking a pipe and drinking a glass of rum. He was wearing an eye patch and he had a parrot on his shoulder and a wooden leg. Instead of his right hand he had a metal hook. A young sailor was chatting with the pirate and he asked him about his adventures at sea.
‘So, how did you lose your leg?’, the young man asked the pirate.
‘Arrr! ,’said the pirate, ‘You see, some sharks were circling the ship when I fell overboard. Luckily, my men pulled me back onto the ship before the sharks ate me completely, but one of the sharks got my leg.’
‘And how about the hook on your hand? How did you lose your hand?’
‘I was boarding a ship when another sailor cut off my hand with a sword.’
‘That’s amazing! What a life full of adventures!’ said the young man.‘And how about your eye? How did you lose that?’
‘I was eating a grapefruit when the juice went into my eye.’
‘But I don’t understand. How did you lose your eye from the grapefruit juice?’
‘Arrr!’said the pirate, ‘it was my first day with the new hook.’
Grammar: past continuous v. past simple
Use the past continuous to describe something in progress over a period of time in the past.
Use the past simple to talk about something completed in the past.
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Mr.Bean Science
.
I was stuck in ELEVATOR for 3 hrs
Due to electric failure
Mr.Bean:
Ya me too
I was stuck on ESCALATOR for 5 hrs
_________________________________________________
(husband & Wife )
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.
Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister
________________________________________
Future plans of childrens:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
Shariq : I want 2 help Bina
____________________________
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back
Difference b/w secretary & private secretary
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
__________________________________________
Hi i am marrying next week ( Funny sms )
Hi i am marrying next week
there will be a small party and
only few persons will be invited
Hey don’t bring any gift
just bring SOMEONE to marry me
___________________________________
Marriage is like a public toilet
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
&
Those inside are desperate to come
_______________________________________
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE
_________________________________
TEACHER:
what is the different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..
__________________________
sajjad1973
26-10-2012, 07:42
B8. The bus driver and the mother
present perfect + ever / never
A young woman got onto a London bus one morning. She was carrying a baby. As she was buying her ticket, the bus driver said,
‘That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!’
The woman was furious. With a furious expression on her face, she stormed down to the back of the bus and sat down next to another passenger. The passenger noticed how upset she was, so he asked her,
‘What’s happened?’
‘I’ve never been so furious in my life. That bus driver insulted me.’
‘That’s terrible,’ sympathised the passenger. ‘How rude! You’re a customer so he should be polite to you. Tell you what, why don’t you go and tell him how angry you are?’
‘Ok, then,’ the woman said, ‘You’re right. I will. I’ll go and tell him what I think about his behaviour.’
‘Good idea,’ said the passenger, ‘and I’ll hold your monkey for you.’
Grammar: present perfect simple with ever / never
When you talk about your experiences of life you often use present perfect simple. The word order is has / have + ever + past participle.
It’s the hottest summer I’ve ever seen.
I’ve never eaten such a delicious meal!
Haveyou ever seena cat as fat as that before?
A lady want to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future.
- Leady , I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future .
- Don’t tell me things that I already know , tell me if there would be an investigation
Tcher while lecturing , noticed a student sleeping at the back.
Tcher shouts 2 hs neighbor : “ wake him up!”
Neighbor yells : “U put him 2 sleep , so U wake him up
Dad : Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son : Not much dad, just a radio with a sports car around it
Jack was attending the funeral service of the richest man in the city.
Beacause he was weeping bitterly, a man asked sadly, " was the deceases one of the dear relatives? "No" said jack.
" Then why are you crying?" asked the stranger. " Because I'm not one of the relatives," answered jack.
________________________________
1: Look a thief has entered our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.
2: Whom should I call now,
Police or Ambulance
___________________________
1. Smart man + smart woman = romance
2. Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy
3. Dumb man + smart woman = affair
4. Dumb man + dumb woman = marriage
5. Smart boss + smart employee = profit
6. Smart boss + dumb employee = production
7. Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
8. Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
_______________________________________________
3) why women are beautiful
'God,' inquired Adam, 'Why did you make Eve so beautiful?'
'So you would love her.'
'But why did you make her so dumb?'
'So she would love you.
_______________________________
American: In our country ,
marriage even takes place with email.
Hindi : In India, it is only with a female
_____________________
A lady want to see a tarot reader woman who’ll predict her future.
- Leady , I’m sorry to inform you that your husband will die in the near future .
- Don’t tell me things that I already know , tell me if there would be an investigation
_____________________________
Tcher while lecturing , noticed a student sleeping at the back.
Tcher shouts 2 hs neighbor : “ wake him up!”
Neighbor yells : “U put him 2 sleep , so U wake him up
____________________________
Missing Husband
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back
______________________________
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the bill to the teacher.
_______________________
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it!
sajjad1973
27-10-2012, 07:39
B9. The wrong answer
Present perfect simple
At a job interview the interviewer said to the potential employee,
‘So I see here on your CV that you’ve had twelve jobs in the last three years.’
‘Oh yes,’ replied the candidate, ‘That’s right. I’ve had a lot of experience working in this area.’
‘Well, yes, you’ve worked for a lot of different companies, but you’ve never stayed with any employer for longer than three months.’continued the interviewer, ‘To me, that gives the impression that you quit your jobs as soon as you get bored with them. Is this true?’
‘Oh no, that’s not how it is at all,’ answered the candidate, ‘I’ve never quit a job in my life.’
Grammar: present perfect for past experiences
Use the present perfect simple to talk about past experiences and achievements which are important and relevant to the present.
The present perfect simple is formed using have / has+ past participle.
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.
Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister
____________________________________
Future plans of childrens:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
Shariq : I want 2 help Bina
__________________________
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back
________________________________
Difference b/w secretary & private secretary
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
Hi i am marrying next week
there will be a small party and
only few persons will be invited
Hey don’t bring any gift
just bring SOMEONE to marry me
_______________________________
Marriage is like a public toilet
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
&
Those inside are desperate to come
_____________________
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE
__________________________
TEACHER
what is the different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge
sajjad1973
28-10-2012, 07:56
B10. A helping hand
too+ adjective, not + adjective +enough
Mr. Hopkins was walking down the street one day when he noticed a small boy. The boy was standing outside a house. He was trying to ring the doorbell but the problem was that he was too short to reach up to the bell. As Mr. Hopkins watched, he tried to jump up to press the bell, but he just wasn't tall enough. Then the boy got a book out of his school bag and stood on it, but the book wasn't thick enough and the bell was still too high up for him to reach.
The man felt sorry for the boy and decided to go and help him. He walked over to the door, smiled at the little boy and rang the door bell three times.
Then he turned to the boy and said kindly, 'So now what, little man?'
'Now,' the boy replied, 'we run away as fast as possible!'
Grammar: too + adjective,not + adjective + enough
You can talk about some problems using these forms:too + adjective (too hot, too difficult) or not+ adjective + enough ( not good enough, not big enough)
For example, when the bath water is colder than you want it to be, you can say it in these two different ways.
It's too cold.
It's not warm enough.
When you can't do something because of a problem of degree you can use these forms:
These bags are too heavy for me to carry.
I'm not strong enough to carry these bags
.
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
Classification: Men, Office
Boss: “Yes? What is it now?”
Office worker: “Please can I have a day off next week to do some late Christmas shopping with my wife and our six kids?”
Boss: “Certainly not!”
Office worker: “I knew you’d be understanding, sir. Thanks for getting me out of that terrible chore
___________________________________
Classification: Office, Stupidity
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.”
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
“I just need one copy
Classification: Repartee, Women and Girls
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per meter,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten meters.”
The clerk measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl grabbed the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled
_____________________________________________
Classification: Repartee, Men
Mark asked his wife, “What do you love most about me; my tremendous athletic ability or my superior intellect?”
“What I love most about you,” responded Julie, “is your enormous sense of humor
________________________________________
Classification: Stupidity, Military
Sam was in the Army overseas. His brother Joe wrote him a short note:
Dear Sam,
The cat died.
Joe
Sam wrote back:
Dear Joe,
You know I loved that old cat. Why didn’t you break the news gently? You could have written, “The cat was on the roof.” Then later you could have written, “The cat fell off the roof and passed away.”
Sam
The next week Sam got a letter from Joe:
Dear Sam,
Mother was on the roof.
Joe
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run ...
A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.
In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
Two factory workers are talking.
The first man says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The second man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The first man says, "Just wait and see." He then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The firstman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow him and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.
The First 3 Years of Marriage
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Riddles of AlphabetQ: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An
Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The
Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your
back
_______________________________
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a
vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always
Keep a SPARE TYRE
_______________________________________
ACHER:
what is the
different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..
_____________________________
Look a thief has entered
our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.
2: Whom should I
call now,
Police or Ambulance
_______________________________
husband: Will U marry , after I die.
Wife : No I will live with my sister.
Wife : Will U marry , after I die.
husband: No I will also live with your sister
______________________
Future plans of childrens:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Adnan: I want 2 b a pilot.
Wakeel: I want 2 b a doctor.
Bina: I want 2 b a good mother.
Shariq : I want 2 help Bina.
______________________________
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
An Aeroplane asks a Rocket
How is that you can fly so fast?
The Rocket replies you will know the pain
when they put fire at your back
____________________________
Difference b/w secretary & private secretary
Q: What is the difference b/w secretary & private secretary?
Ans:
Secretary says GOOD MORNING SIR
&
Private secretary says ITS MORNING SIR
_________________________________
Hi i am marrying next week ( Funny sms )
Hi i am marrying next week
there will be a small party and
only few persons will be invited
Hey don’t bring any gift
just bring SOMEONE to marry me
Marriage is like a public toilet
Those waiting outside are desperate to get in
&
Those inside are desperate to come
____________
HUSBAND and WIFE are like 2 tyres of a vehicle
If 1 punctures, the vehicle can’t move further
M0ral:
always Keep a SPARE TYRE
__________________________
TEACHER:
what is the different between
problem and challenge????
STUDENT:3boys+1girl=problem
1boy+3girls=challenge..
____________________________
Look a thief has entered our kitchen
and he is eating the cake I made.
2: Whom should I call now,
Police or Ambulance
sajjad1973
29-10-2012, 07:29
B11. Big Joe
have to/don't have to for obligation
One day, on a London bus, the driver was taking the fares from new passengers when an enormous man with huge muscles got onto the bus. The driver asked for the money for the ticket, but the man just shook his head and said,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay!’
The bus driver wasn’t a strong man and he didn’t want to argue with this giant, so the man got on the bus without paying.
The next day at the same bus stop, the enormous man was there again, and like the day before, when it was his turn to pay for his ticket, he just said,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay.’
After a few weeks of this, the bus driver was really starting to get angry, so he decided to join a gym. He worked out every day for three months, until his muscles were bulging and he could pick up tables with one arm.
One Monday, the bus driver decided that today was the day. As usual, the enormous man got on the bus as usual and announced,
‘I’m Big Joe, and I don’t have to pay.’
This time, the bus driver was brave enough to stand up and tell the man,
‘Why not? Of course you have to pay. Everyone has to pay!’
The man looked at him in surprised silence for a few seconds and then slowly answered,
‘Because Big Joe has a bus pass.’
Grammar: have to/don't have to
Use have to + infinitive to talk about things which are important to do, or things which are necessary to do. We often use this to talk about rules and regulations.
Everyone has to pay for a bus ticket.
Use don't / doesn't have to + infinitive to talk about things where there are no rules. You can do these things if you want to, but there is no obligation.
You don't have to pay to come in because it's free
دوستان خوبی که ابن مجموئه رو دنبال میکنن ( الان - یا هروقت دیگه ای در آینده)
قسمتهای قبلش در صفحات قبل هست با کمی جستجو پیداشون میکنن - این مجموعه گرامر رو با زبون خیلی ساده و به صورت جک از پایه تا سطح پیشرفته درس داده که الان تو بخش متوسطش هستیم و اگه عمری باشه تا سطح پیشرفتش رو اینجا مینویسم.
.
sajjad1973
30-10-2012, 08:34
B12. Lifestyle choicesshould / shouldn’t
Natasha Marshal went to her doctor for some advice.
‘Doctor, I’ve read that by making the right health choices for diet and life style, people can live for longer. What should I do to live long and healthily? Can you give me some suggestions?’
‘Certainly, Miss Marshal!’ replied the doctor.‘Well firstly, you should only eat fresh fruit and vegetables. You shouldn’t eat any meat, salt, cheese or butter. You shouldn’t drink any alcohol and you shouldn’t smoke. You should drink lots of natural mineral water, but not too cold.‘
‘OK,’ said Natasha, writing all this down in her notebook.‘And should I change anything else about my lifestyle?’
‘You shouldn’t go out to bars or big cities,’ the doctor told her, ‘because the crowds and the noise can be stressful. You should get up very early in the morning and go running and you shouldn’t stay up late at night. You shouldn’t watch television or use the internet. It’s not good for you to sit still for long and look at a screen.’
‘And by following this health plan I’ll live to be a hundred?’ asked Natasha.
‘Well, I don’t know, ‘ answered the doctor. ‘but it will certainly feel like it.’
Grammar: should / shouldn’t for adviceTo say what you think is a good idea use should. To say what you think is a bad idea use shouldn’t + infinitive (without to).
What should I do to get fitter?
You should take more exercise.
You shouldn’t smoke.
With should (as with all modal verbs) don’t use auxiliary verbs in question forms and don’t add ‘s’with the 3rd person singular form.
INCORRECT: Do I should eat more fish?
CORRECT: Should I eat more fish?
INCORRECT: He shoulds go now.
CORRECT: He should go now
.
sajjad1973
31-10-2012, 07:45
B13. The old lady and her dog
past simple irregular verbs
Mrs Gibson was 82 years old. Her son owned an airline company. One day, she went to the airport to take a plane from Australia to the USA. With her she had a flight bag and a pet basket with her little pet dog called 'Spotty' inside. The flight that day was very crowded. Mrs Gibson sat down on a window seat and put her dog basket down on the seat next to her.
A flight attendant said to her, 'I'm very sorry, madam, but this flight is fully booked. I'm afraid I have to take your dog and put it at the back of the plane for the journey.'
The old lady didn't argue and gave the basket to the flight attendant.
After an hour in the air, the flight attendant checked on the little dog. She was horrified to see that the dog was dead at the bottom of the basket. She told the pilot and the pilot told the airport in New York. The company director was furious, because Mrs Gibson was the airline owner's mother. In the end, they decided to buy a different dog to replace the dead one. The flight attendant took a photo of the dog with her phone and sent it to New York to show them what it looked like. When the plane landed, Mrs Gibson got off the plane and the flight attendant brought her the basket with a new dog in it.
Mrs Gibson looked very quickly into the basket and immediately said, 'That's not my dog. Where's my dog? What did you do with little Spotty?'
The flight attendant told Mrs Gibson, 'Yes, of course it's your dog. It has the same spots, the same size - it's the same dog.'
'No,' said Mrs Gibson, ' I know it isn't.'
'But how do you know? You didn't look at it for very long.'
'I know,' said Mrs Gibson, ' Because my dog was dead when I put him in the basket.'
Grammar: irregular past simple verb forms
Many verbs in English have irregular past simple forms and do not end in -ed. For example:
think - thought: When I was a child I thought the moon was bigger than the sun.
leave - left: You leftyour jacket at my house yesterday.
meet - met: My husband and I met when we were at college.
sajjad1973
01-11-2012, 08:41
B14. The director and the old man
verb + infinitive
A Hollywood director was making a film in India. For the film, he needed to have clear blue skies, so the weather conditions were very important to him. One evening, after filming all day he saw a very old man, sitting with his legs crossed on the ground.
‘It’s going to rain for three days. On the fourth day, the sun will shine again,’ the ancient man said wisely.
The next day it rained heavily and there was no filming that day or for three days afterwards. On the morning of the fourth day, as the old man predicted, the sun was shining down and conditions were perfect for filming. That evening, when the director was walking past, the old man said,
‘There’s going to be a big storm tomorrow.’
Sure, enough, the next day there was a big storm, just as the man said.
After a week of making perfect predictions, the director decided to use the old man’s wisdom and pay him to work as a weather man for the film crew. The old man agreed to tell the director what the weather was likely to do. This worked very well for the next few weeks of filming. Every day the old man told the director what the weather would be the next day, and the director paid him well for the valuable information. One day, however, the old man failed to arrive on the set. The next day the director sent for him and said,
‘Your predictions are very important to me and to my work. I’m shooting a big scene tomorrow and I have to know what the weather is going to be like.’
The old man shrugged his shoulders.
‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘I can't help you today. My radio’s broken.’
Grammar: verb + infinitive
Some verbs are often followed by the infinitive form. Many of these verbs are in some way connected to the future. Here are some of the most commonly-used verbs which follow this pattern.
need
decide
plan
promise
fail
refuse
threaten
aim
hope
offer
I need to have good weather.
I plan to shootan important scene tomorrow.
The man promised to predict the weather.
The old man failed to arrive on the set.
The director offered to pay him.
The nouns based on these verbs are also often followed by the infinitive form.
We made an arrangement with the guide to showus around the city.
The director made an offer to pay him
.
A man was praying to god.
He said, "God?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And the Guy said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead", God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "A million years to me is only a second."
The man wondered.
Then he asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "A million dollars to me is a penny."
So the man said, "God can I have a penny?"
And God cheerfully said,
"Sure!...... .just wait a second."
____________________________
The Perfect Son.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
_______________________________
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."
My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"
(Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this type of grammer.)
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
I use this joke for retelling in reported speech.
sajjad1973
08-11-2012, 11:51
B15. The language teacher
Comparatives: not as... as...
Martin was an English teacher in a language school. After working at his current school for six months, he decided it was time to find a better job with a higher salary. In his final week at the school, he told Carla, one of his favourite one-to-one students.
‘I’m afraid that next term I won’t be teaching in this school any more, Carla. I’m moving to another city.’
‘I’m really sorry about that, Martin. I wish you weren’t going.’ Carla replied.
‘Well, thank you, Carla! It’s very kind of you to say so.’
‘The new teacher won’t be as good asyou are. I’m sure the lessons won’t be as good as yours.’ said the student.
‘That’s so nice of you!’ said Mark, flattered.
‘Yes,’ continued Carla, ‘I’ve been coming to this school for five years now and every new teacher has been worse than the one before.’
Grammar: not as + adjective + as ...
You can often make comparisons in more than one way.
A wood is smaller than a forest.
A wood isn't as large as a forest.
Pablo's pronunciation is better than Marco's.
Pablo's pronunciation isn't as bad as Marco's.
The weather is worse than it was last week.
The weather isn't as good as it was last week.
Do you think that monkeys are less intelligent than dolphins?
Do you think that monkey's aren't as intelligent as dolphins?
sajjad1973
09-11-2012, 07:59
C1. Track records
present perfect simple
There were four race horses in a stable one day. It was raining and they were bored so they started talking about their track records. One of them boasted,
‘I’ve been in eight races so far this year and I’ve won five of them’
‘That’s nothing!’ interrupted the second race horse, ‘I’ve runin twelve races since the beginning of this year and I’ve won seven of them.’
The third race horse broke in,
‘Well, I’ve taken partin 15 races this year and I’ve wonten of them.’
‘I’ve done better than any of you,’ claimed the fourth race horse. ‘So far this year I’vebeen in 18 races and I’veonly lostfour of them.’
At this point, they noticed that a small greyhound dog was sitting and listening to their conversation, wagging his tail.
‘I don’t want to brag,’ he said, ‘But I’ve been in forty five races this year up till now and I haven’tlost any of them!’
The horses were absolutely amazed.
‘That’s just incredible! I’venever heardanything like it!’said one of them, after an impressed silence, ‘A talking dog!’
Grammar: present perfect simple for achievements
You can use present perfect simpleto talk about your achievements in an unfinished time period. Compare this pair of sentences.
I took part in ten races last year. [Past simple]
I’ve taken part in ten races so far this year. [Present perfect simple]
In the first sentence (past simple), the year is over so no more races are possible this year. The time period is closed.
In the second sentence (present perfect simple), the year is not yet finished, so it’s possible for more races to be won. The time period is open.
We often use present perfect simple with these time expressions: so far, up till now, since
I’ve written twelve emails sinceI got to work this morning.
The computer has never broken down up till now.
I’ve read five books on the subjectso far, but I know I need to read more
.
sajjad1973
10-11-2012, 07:32
C2. The forest fire
verb + object + infinitive
It was towards the end of a particularly hot, dry summer and a huge forest fire had broken out. The fire was getting out of control, even though the emergency services were doing their best to deal with the problem. A photo-journalist working with one of the larger national newspapers was keen to get some good shots of the fire for the next day’s edition. He persuaded the editor to charter a private plane to get him above the action.
‘I know it’s expensive,’ he told the editor, ‘But it will be worth it. It’ll really help me to get the best pictures!’
So he made a call to arrange for a small private plane and drove as fast as possible to the airport. He rushed out to the runway and spotted a small aircraft with a young pilot in it.
Wasting no time, he jumped into the seat next to the pilot, pulled the door closed and said to the pilot, ‘I want you to take us up to altitude.’
When they reached altitude the photographer said to the pilot, ‘Now, do you see that fire over to the east of us? I want you to fly over that. I’d like you to getas close as you can.’
‘Really?’ asked the pilot, amazed. ‘You seriously expect me to fly over that fire? You can’t ask me to dothat!’
‘Of course I’m serious. That’s why I’m here. I’m a professional photographer and I need you to takeme to where I can take some dramatic shots of the fire.’
‘So I guess that means,’ said the pilot, ‘that you aren’t the flight instructor?’
Grammar: verb patterns
Some verbs follow the pattern verb + object + infinitive.
These are some of the most common verbs which follow this pattern:
want-ask-help-expect-would- like-invite
persuade-tell-remind-teach-need-warn
I want you to get up.
She asked him to leave.
I told him to go.
He persuaded me to go with him.
I’m teaching him to read
.
sajjad1973
11-11-2012, 10:48
C3. A full timetable present simple passive / present simple for timetables
Josef was a tourist on holiday in London. He wanted to visit the Tower of London, Buckingham Palace and all the other famous tourist attractions. He arrived at the hotel and went to the front desk to check in.
‘Good evening, sir,’ said the woman at the reception desk,‘How may I help you?’
‘Good evening. I have a reservation for three nights full board. I booked online. The name is Josef Kurstall.’
‘Ah, yes, Mr. Kurstall. I have your booking here on the computer. Welcome to our hotel. Now first let me explain the hotel restaurant meal times. Breakfast is served from seven until eleven o’clock in the morning. Lunch is served frommidday to three in the afternoon and dinner is servedfrom six o’clock until nine.’
The receptionist noticed that Josef looked worried about something.
‘I hope there is no difficulty about that, sir. Is there a problem?’she asked.
‘Well, it seems like a nice hotel, and I’m sure the food is very good,’said Josef, frowning, ‘But when am I going to have time to go sightseeing?’
Grammar: present simple for timetablesIt’s possible to use the present simple to refer to the future when you are talking about timetables and programmes of events.
The train leaves at 11.28 tomorrow morning.
The race begins in ten minutes.
You can also use the present simple to talk about future arrangements when the plans are fixed in a timetable.
When do you startyour new course?
I finishwork at seven o’clock tonight.
The present continuous formhas a different use for future meaning. The present continuous is used for personal plans written in a diary. Compare these sentences.
What time doesthe plane arrivetomorrow? ( a fixed timetable)
What time is she arriving tomorrow? ( a diary arrangement)
The play starts at eight o’clock. ( a fixed timetable)
We’re going to the theatre this evening. ( a diary arrangement
sajjad1973
12-11-2012, 08:42
C4. Planting potatoes
past simple passive form
Alfred Briggs was a prisoner in a high security jail, serving a thirty year sentence. In his youth he had been famous for robbing jewellery stores all over the country. Even after he was arrested, tried and sentenced, Alfred had kept his secrets and no one had ever discovered where the jewels were hidden. He was married and his wife, Sally, sent him regular letters about everyday problems at home. Alfred knew for a fact that his letters were opened and read by the authorities, but still he enjoyed receiving the news from home.
One day Alfred was given a letter from his wife. He opened it and read, 'Dear Alfred, I've decided to plant some potatoes in the back garden near to the white fence. When do you think is the best time for potatoes to be planted?'
Alfred wrote this in reply, 'Dear Sally, You can plant potatoes in two or three weeks' time, but whatever you do, don't plant them in the back garden. This is very important! Please don't plant them there!'
A week later, Alfred was given another letter from his wife. 'Dear Alfred, You won't believe this! Last week ten policemen arrived at the house and dug up all of the back garden.'
Alfred wrote back, ' Dear Sally, Now is the best time to plant potatoes.'
Grammar: past simple passive form
The past simple passive is formed with was / were + past participle.
You can use the passive form when you don't know who did an action or when the person who did the action is not the most important part of the sentence.
ACTIVE Someone built this bridge last year.
PASSIVE This bridge was built last year.
ACTIVE Somebody sentenced the robbers to ten years in prison.
PASSIVE The robbers were sentenced to ten years in prison.
sajjad1973
13-11-2012, 07:33
C5. A long-distance flight
take for time duration
A group of mathematicians from the University of London were travelling to a conference in Delhi.
At check in, one of them asked, 'How long does the flight take?'
'It takes nine hours, sir', the clerk replied.
Soon after take off, the captain made an announcement. announced that one engine had failed.
'One of the plane's engines has unfortunately failed. Your safety is not a problem,' the captain told the passengers, 'because the plane has four engines, but the journey will take longer with only three engines. I'm afraid that the flight will now take ten hours.'
Not long after that, the pilot made another announcement that these was a problem with another of the engines and now the journey would take a total of twelve hours. Everything was quiet for an hour, but then the pilot made another announcement.
'Please remain calm. There is no cause for alarm, but our third engine has also developed problems. Unfortunately, the journey will now take a total of sixteen hours.'
A mathematician turned to one of his colleagues and said, 'Well, if the last engine breaks down it will take us a whole day to get there!'
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Grammar: describing duration
When you talk about the duration of an activity, process or journey, you can use take or It takes + object pronoun + infinitive.
The journey takes an hour.
This won't take long.
You've taken a long time to read that book.
It takes me ten minutes to drive to work.
How long will it take us to get there?
sajjad1973
14-11-2012, 22:36
C6. Telling jokes
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reflexive pronouns
Once there was a man travelling on a train. A woman sitting opposite him noticed that the man was talking to himself. Every now and then, after saying something to himself under his breath, he laughed. Sometimes, after saying something to himself, he groaned. This went on for twenty minutes.
‘I wonder what he’s doing,’ the woman wondered to herself.
At last, feeling curious, the woman decided to speak to him.
‘Excuse me, but can I ask what you are doing?’ she asked.
‘I get bored on long journeys so I’m passing the time by telling myself jokes,’ he replied.
‘When it’s a good joke, sometimes I make myself laugh.’
‘I see,’ said the woman, ‘But why do you groan sometimes?’
‘Well’, the man explained, ‘That’s when it’s a joke I already know.
Grammar: reflexive pronouns
Reflexive pronouns are used to talk about actions where the subject and the object are the same.
Incorrect: I hurt me. Correct: I hurt myself.
Subject pronouns
Object pronouns
Reflexive pronouns
I
me
myself
You
you
yourself
He
him
himself
S he
her
herself
It
it
itself
We
us
ourselves
You (plural)
you
yourselves
They
them
themselves
Sarah was looking at herself in the mirror.
The computer turns itself off after twenty minutes.
We really enjoyed ourselves at the party.
sajjad1973
15-11-2012, 18:30
C7. The stockboker's chickens
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Infinitive of purpose: in order to, so that
Edward Harcourt was a forty year old stockbroker who lived in London. He was very successful in his job and had made a lot of money, but he was feeling very tired of the stresses of the job and the hectic pace of city life.
‘I feel I’m living to work, instead of working to live,’ he complained to a friend of his. ‘I’m thinking of relocating so that I can improve my life style,’ he went on. ‘Lots of people are choosing quality of life above high salary and status. I want a completely different way of life!’
After some thought, Edward decided to move to the country in order to keep chickens. He bought a chicken farm and moved in. His new neighbour, Bill came round to introduce himself and to offer help and advice.
‘I know quite a lot about chickens, so if you need any help at all, just ask me. Tell, you what, to help you start your farm, I’ll give you a hundred chickens.’
Edward was delighted and thanked his neighbour.
A few weeks later, Bill dropped by because he wanted to see how Edward was getting on. ‘Things aren’t going too well, I’m afraid. All the chickens you gave me died.’ said Edward miserably.
‘Oh no,’ sympathized Bill. ‘ Well, don’t be too depressed about it. I’ll give you another hundred chickens, so you can start again,’
After another week, Bill looked in on Edward again.
‘So how are you getting on now?’ he asked. ‘I hope the new chickens are doing well?’
‘I’m embarrassed to tell you,’ said Edward unhappily, ‘but the second lot of chickens are all dead, too.’
‘But that’s terrible! I wonder what the problem could be?’
‘I don’t know,’ replied Edward. ‘I’m not sure whether I’m planting them too close together or too deep down.’
Grammar: infinitive of purpose: in order to, so that
> There are several ways to explain the reasons why someone does an action.
With infinitive of purpose: I went to the reception desk to ask for information.
With in order + infinitive: I went to the reception desk in order to ask for information.
With so that + verb clause: I went to the reception desk so that I could ask for information.
sajjad1973
16-11-2012, 12:12
C8. The penguin
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Comparatives: not as... as...
One day at a roadside garage, a petrol pump attendant was filling a customer’s car, when he noticed that a small penguin was sitting in the back seat. The petrol pump attendant asked the customer why he had a penguin in his car. The customer explained that he had found the penguin a few weeks before, wandering around in the street, looking miserable. He told the attendant that he had been trying to think of what to do with the penguin.
The attendant thought for a moment and then told the man that there was a zoo nearby. He suggested that the customer take the penguin there. The man thanked the attendant, paid for his petrol and drove off in the direction of the zoo.
A few days later, the same man pulled up to the petrol station. The attendant was surprised to see that the penguin was still in the back of the man’s car.
‘But I thought you were taking him to the zoo,’ said the attendant.
‘I did, thanks!’, answered the man. ‘He loved it, so I'm taking him to the beach today.’
Grammar: reported speach and reported verbs
When you report what people have said, you can give their exact words or you can report what they said indirectly.
Direct speech: "Thank you!" said the customer.
Indirect speech: The customer thanked the assistant.
With indirect reported speech you need to change the tenses of the verbs.
Present simple changes to past simple
Direct speech: "I have a problem" said the customer to the assistant.
Indirect speech: The customer told the assistant that he had a problem.
Past simple changes to past perfect
Direct speech: "I took the penguin to the zoo yesterday."
Indirect speech: The customer said that he had taken the penguin to the zoo the day before.
sajjad1973
17-11-2012, 08:40
C9. Career choices
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used to
There are lots of jokes in English about jobs that someone used to do. They are usually based on bad puns. Can you see the double meanings in these jokes?
I used to work in a bank, but I lost interest.
I used to work as an archaeologist, but my career was in ruins.
I used to be a hotel receptionist, but then I had reservations.
I used to be a doctor, but then I lost patience.
I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I couldn't concentrate.
I used to be a history teacher, but there was no future in it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I used to sell computer parts, but then I lost my drive.
I used to be a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn't in it.
I used to work in a glue factory, but couldn't stick with it.
I used to work in a gym, but I wasn't fit for the job.
I used to work as electrician, but the pay was shocking.
Grammar: used to
To talk about actions that often happened in the past you can use this form: used / didn't use + infinitive.
I used to suck my thumb when I was a baby.
You can also use this form for activities that happened over a long period of time in the past
I used to live with my parents but now I have my own apartment.
sajjad1973
18-11-2012, 07:29
C10. A night at the movies
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adjectives with -ed or -ing endings
A well dressed woman was queuing to buy a ticket for the cinema. When she got to the front of the queue the man behind in the box office was surprised to see that she had a small dog in her handbag.
‘I’m sorry, madam,’ he said, ‘ But I’m afraid pets are not permitted inside the cinema.’
‘Oh, but he’ll be very good,’ the woman promised. ‘He’s very well behaved. I promise he won’t make a sound.’
Since there weren’t many customer in the cinema that day, the man decided to let her take her dog in with her. So he sold her a ticket and she went into the auditorium and took a seat. The man, curious to see how the dog behaved, went into the auditorium a couple of times during the film. He was pleased to see that it was just as the woman had promised. The little dog was sitting quietly on her lap, without moving or making any noise at all.
At the end of the film, as she was leaving the cinema, the man said to her,
‘That’s amazing. You were quite right. Your dog was very well behaved in there. The dog just sat there as though he was actually interested in the film.’
‘Yes,’ replied the woman, ‘I thought that was surprising, too. He didn’t enjoy the book at all.’
Grammar: adjectives with –ed or –ing endings
There are lots of adjectives which end in –ed or –ing. Compare these pairs of sentences.
The film was very interesting.
I was very interested in the film.
It was surprising to see a dog in there.
I was surprised to see a dog in there.
My physics lessons was boring.
We were bored by our physics lessons.
Adjectives ending in –ing often describe a book, film, person etc. They tell you about what kind of book, film or person it is, and how it makes you feel.
This photograph is amazing.
Adjectives ending in –ed often describe the emotion you feel about a book, film or person.
I am amazed by this photograph.
sajjad1973
19-11-2012, 09:31
C11. Foreign languages
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Expressions followed by the gerund
A Swiss tourist in London was having difficulty understanding the London underground map, so he stopped to ask two Londoners for directions.
‘Excuse me!’ said the Swiss man, ‘I speak no English. Parlez-vous francais?’
The Londoners shrugged their shoulders.
‘It’s no good speaking French to us!’ one of them said. ‘We can’t speak a word of it.’
The Swiss tourist tried again in another language.
‘Sprechen sie Deutsch?’ he asked.
Once again, he met with blank stares from the Londoners.
‘Sorry, mate. It’s a waste of time speaking German to us, either.’
The Swiss tourist tried again.
‘Parlate Italiano?’ he asked.
Again the Londoners met his questions with incomprehension, so the Swiss man had to give up trying. There was obviously no point trying any other languages with them.
As he was walking away, one of the Londoners turned to the other and said, ‘Three languages! That’s impressive. Maybe we should learn another language.’
‘No, there’d be no use learning another language.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well, it didn't do him much good, did it?’
Grammar: expressions followed by gerund
Some expressions in English are always followed by the gerund (-ing) form. Here are some of the most common phrases:
It’s a waste of time speaking to him.
There’s no use trying to find the book here.
I had difficulty finding my way to the building.
It’s no good speaking to her.
There’s no point learning how to ride a camel.
I gave up trying to cook years ago.
It’s not worth going to that museum.
It’s a waste of money paying for that meal
.
sajjad1973
20-11-2012, 10:17
C12.Confessions
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second conditional
Four friends, Alex, Lucy, Sam and Jo were sitting in a coffee bar and chatting, when the subject of their own faults came up in conversation.
‘I must admit,’ said Alex, ‘I sometimes use the company’s phone for private calls and I often steal office stationery from work when the boss isn’t looking. If my boss found out, I’d get fired.’
‘Well, I guess my greatest fault,’ Lucy told the group, ‘is that I gamble too much. I play online poker and I buy lottery tickets. My parents are really strict, and if they heard about it, I’d be in real trouble.
‘I don’t gamble,’ Sam said, ‘but I’d say that my worst fault is my drinking habit. I drink far too much. If it ever got out, I’d lose my job.’
Joe had been silent during the conversation, so Sam turned and asked him, ‘Well, Joe, do you have any faults, then?’
‘Oh, yes,’ said Joe, ‘and mine is worse than any of yours. My greatest fault is that I just can’t keep a secret.’
Grammar: second conditional
To talk about situations which are imaginary, you can use this form: if + past simple in the first clause, followed by would + verb in the second clause.
This structure is sometimes called the second conditional form.
If my parents found out about my gambling, they’d be furious.
If anyone heard about Sam’s drinking habits, he’d lose his job.
It’s also possible to change the order of the clauses, in this way:
I would buy a new car if I had the money.
This would be a good restaurant if the staff were more polite.
.
sajjad1973
22-11-2012, 08:43
C13.
A Word of advice
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If I were you...
As she was driving down a remote country lane, Alice noticed that her car was behaving strangely. The engine made a terrible rattling noise and smoke was starting to come out from under the bonnet. Alice stopped the car to see if she could work out what the problem was. As she was lifting up the car bonnet, a deep voice from behind her said,
‘If I were you, I’d change the spark plugs.’
Alice looked around her, but couldn’t see anyone in sight. There was a large brown horse with a white star on its forehead. It was looking over the fence at her.
‘I’m imagining it,’ she thought to herself and took another look at the engine. But once again, as soon as she turned her back on the horse, the deep voice said,
‘It’s the spark plugs, I’m telling you.’
Again, she turned to find no one in sight apart from the brown horse. By this stage, Alice was feeling quite unnerved, so she got into the car again. She drove the car slowly to the next village where eventually she found a mechanic. Feeling slightly foolish, she explained about the problem with the car and told the mechanic what the horse had said about the spark plugs.
‘And you say there was nobody around except a horse, when you heard this?’ asked the mechanic.
‘Not a soul!’ replied Alice, ‘Just a big horse.’
‘Was it a brown horse with a white star in the middle of its forehead?’
‘Yes, that’s right. It was.’
‘Oh, I wouldn’t take any notice of him, if I were you. That’s old Brownie. He doesn’t know anything about engines. He always says it's the spark plugs.’
Grammar: If I were you…
To give advice you can use the second conditional form: If I were you… + verb clause with would.
You look tired. If I were you, I’d go to bed early.
Our neighbours are trying to put in a new bathroom. If I were them, I’d get professional help.
I can’t think which course to choose. If you were me, what would you do?
Note that it is not usual to say If I was you… for this usage. It’s a semi-fixed expression which uses the subjunctive form of to be (were) for all persons.
sajjad1973
23-11-2012, 08:46
C14. An Inquiring Mind
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zero conditional
One day, William was out fishing with his son Jack. After a while, Jack gazed up at the clouds and asked ,
‘Dad, can I ask you something? If you look at the air, it doesn’t have any colour. So why is the sky blue?’
William thought for a moment and then replied, ‘I don’t know, son.’
A few minutes later, Jack said to his father,
‘If I drop a stone into the water it sinks, but this boat doesn’t sink. Why can some things float but other things can’t, dad?’
‘I can’t remember, son. I think I learnt it at school, but I’ve forgotten.’ replied William.
They carried on fishing for a while, until Jack asked,
‘Dad, I’ve been thinking. If humans try to breathe underwater, we drown, but if you take a fish out of water, it dies. Why’s that?’
‘I haven’t got a clue, I’m afraid.’ replied his father.
Again there was a pause. Jack was worried he was starting to annoy his dad, so he said,
‘Dad, I hope you don’t mind me asking you all this stuff.’
‘Of course I don’t mind, son. It’s good that you’re asking these questions.’ replied William, smiling, ‘If children don’t ask questions, they never learn anything.’
Grammar: Zero conditional form
To talk about scientific facts and situations which always happen in the same way every time, you can use this form: If + present simple + present simple. This is sometimes called the zero conditional form.
If you take a fish out of water it dies.
If you put an ice cube in the sun it melts.
If you press this button a light comes on.
sajjad1973
26-11-2012, 08:00
C15. Planning ahead
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in case / if
Jack and Simon were planning to go on a trip around Asia. Jack showed Simon the pile of equipment he was intending to take with him.
‘Why are you taking all this stuff with you?’ asked Simon. ‘You can’t possibly need all of these things. It’s far too much to carry.’
‘Well,’ Jack replied, ‘the bottle of water is in case we get thirsty.’
‘Yes, I can see we might need that,’ agreed Simon, ‘and all this food is in case you’re hungry, I guess.’
‘Yes, I always feel starving when I’m on the road. And I’m taking a book with me in case I get bored and I need something to read on long journeys,’ carried on Jack.
‘OK, Jack, well, I suppose that’s not a bad idea. But there’s still too much stuff here!’
‘And I’m taking my camera with me,’ continued Jack, ‘in case we see anything interesting and then I can take some good shots.’
‘Yes, yes, I can understand why you need all of those things, but why are you taking this car door?’
‘Well, that’s in case it’s hot – then I can roll the window down.’
Grammar: in case / if
To explain why you do something, to be safe or to be careful you can use in case.
I’ll take an umbrella in case it rains.
You should always check through your emails in case you’ve made a mistake.
In case is not used in the same way as if. Compare these two sentences:
1. I’ll buy a bottle of water in case I get thirsty.
2. I’ll buy a bottle of water if I get thirsty.
In the first sentence with in case, I will buy the bottle of water before I get thirsty, because I want to make sure that I have it if I need it. Even if I don’t get thirsty, I will have the water as a security measure.
In the second sentence with if, I will buy a bottle of water when I get thirsty. If I don’t need the water, I won’t buy it.
sajjad1973
29-11-2012, 19:40
D1. The cowboy's horse
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Past perfect simple
A cowboy rode into a town. He fastened his big fine horse to a post outside a rough bar, kicked open the bar door, walked up to the bar and asked for a beer. When he had finished his drink, he went back outside, only to find that someone had stolen his horse.
The cowboy went back into the bar, got his gun out and fired three shots into the ceiling.
‘Which one of you dirty no-good dogs has stolen my horse?’, he shouted, and then he fired three more shots into the bottles behind the bar.
‘OK, then,’ he growled, looking very mean, ‘I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to order myself another beer. I’m going to drink my beer and then I’m going to go back outside. If my horse isn’t back where I left him, I’ll have to do what I did when the same thing happened in Texas.’
The other customers in the bar looked at each other and shivered – they were terrified. When the cowboy had finished his second beer, he went back outside. Sure enough, the thief had brought the horse back and tied it to the post, exactly where the cowboy had left it.
The cowboy got back on his horse. The barman went up to him and asked in a nervous voice,
‘Er, before you go, please tell us, what exactly happened in Texas?’
‘I had to walk home,’ said the cowboy.
Grammar: past perect simple
You can use the past perfect simple to talk about an action in the past that happened before another action in the past. (The second action is often in the past simple form.)
By the time I turned on the TV, the movie had just finished.
She let me keep the magazine because she'd already read it.
knew the story because I had seen the film before.
sajjad1973
30-11-2012, 10:48
D2. A Night caller
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past perfect continuous
Sarah Robinson was well-known among her friends for being extremely well-mannered. When the telephone rang at half past three one morning, she spoke calmly into the receiver, even though she had been sleeping soundly. On the other end of the line was an angry male voice. He complained that her dog had been barking all night and that it had been keeping him and his wife awake. Sarah thanked the caller for telling her and politely asked him for his name and number before hanging up. The next morning at precisely half past three, Sarah called her neighbour back.
‘Good morning, Mr Grant. I just called to let you know that I don't have a dog.’
Grammar: past perfect continuous
To talk about a process or activity which took place over a period of time, before another event, you can use the past perfect continuous form. The structure of this form is had + been + gerund.
GRAPHIC OF TIMELINE HERE
sajjad1973
01-12-2012, 10:30
D3. A good impression
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gerund clauses
Having just moved into his new office, a newly elected politician was sitting at his desk when someone knocked on the door. Wanting to let everyone know how important he was, the politician quickly picked up the phone, told the man to enter, then spoke into the receiver
‘Yes, Prime Minister, I'll be seeing the President this afternoon and I'll pass on your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes. I'm looking forward to that game of golf with you next Sunday.’
Having decided that he’d impressed the visitor with his friends in high places, the politician asked his visitor, ‘So how can I help you?’
‘Oh, it’s nothing important, sir,’ the man replied, ‘I'm just here to connect your telephone.’
Grammar: gerund clauses from joining ideas
You can join two related sentences together with a gerund clause.
There is usually a logical connection between the sentences, either to show that one thing happened as a result of another, or to show that one thing happened after another.
I had bought the car in the morning. I wanted to show it to my friends.
Having bought the car in the morning, I wanted to show it to my friends.
Michelle felt a little cold. She turned on the heating.
Feeling a little cold, Michelle turned on the heating.
The dog ate all the food. Then it went to sleep.
Having eaten all the food, the dog went back to sleep.
sajjad1973
02-12-2012, 07:36
D4. A kind gesture
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as if / as though
Helen and Paul were eating out at an expensive restaurant one evening. On the table opposite them sat an old lady who was eating alone. Paul noticed that the lady was looking over at him and smiling sadly.
'Do you know her?' he asked his wife.
'No, I don't recognise her, but she looks as if she knows you.'
Paul and Helen carried on eating their meal, but the next time Paul looked in that direction, the woman was still looking at him. She looked lonely. After a while he decided to go over and say hello to her because she looked as though she wanted someone to talk to.
'Hi, there!' he said, 'Are you enjoying your meal?'
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'And please excuse me for staring at you but you look exactly like my son. He has gone to live in Australia. That's why I was feeling a bit sad. I always used to eat in here with him.'
'I'm sorry to hear that.' replied Paul. ' It sounds as if you miss him a lot.'
'Oh, I do!' answered the old lady. ' Can I ask you a favour? When I'm leaving the restaurant could you call out 'Goodbye, mum!' to me? It would make me so happy!'
'Yes, of course!' agreed Paul. ' No trouble at all!'
So he went back to his own table and continued his meal. A few minutes later, as the old lady was leaving the restaurant, he called out 'Goodbye, mum!' and she waved happily back at him.
When Paul called for his bill, he noticed that the bill was double what it was normally and it included a lot of food an expensive bottle of wine which they hadn't ordered. He called the waiter over to the table to sort out the problem.
'Excuse me, but there seems to be some mistake with the bill. It looks as if you've given us the wrong one.'
'No, sir.' replied the waiter, 'No mistake. Your mother said you'd pay for her.'
Grammar: as if / as though + verb clause
To describe how somebody or something appears to be, you can use these forms:
You look as if you've had a hard day.
You look as though you've been in the rain.
Compare the form with look + adjective.
You look hungry.
You look as though you need something to eat.
sajjad1973
03-12-2012, 08:30
D5. Sleeping car
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should have
Douglas Brown was a businessman who lived in London but had a lot of work in Perth in Scotland. He often travelled by train on 'The Night Caledonian', an overnight train from London to Scotland. He preferred the train to the plane because he arrived feeling fresh for important business meetings when he arrived in Perth. The only problem was, he was a heavy sleeper, so he needed to set his alarm clock to wake up for the right stop. One day, after the train had set off from London, he realised he'd forgotten to pack his alarm clock. Before he went to sleep, he spoke to one of the attendants.
'I should have brought my alarm clock with me, but I forgot it. I have to wake up in time to get off the train at Perth at seven o'clock. I absolutely mustn't miss my stop by oversleeping, so could you please make sure I get off the train there, however sleepy I am.'
The attendant wrote down Douglas' name in a little book and made a firm promise to wake him up at the right time in the morning. Douglas went to sleep in his compartment almost immediately.
When he woke up in the morning, he found that it was ten to nine and the train was pulling into the final station in Inverness, 120 miles further north than Perth.
He was furious and went up to the attendant and said, 'Look what's happened, you fool! You should have woken me up at half past six and you didn't. You complete idiot! Now I've missed my business meeting!'
After he had left, one of the other passengers commented to the attendant, 'He wasn't very polite, was he? He shouldn't have called you an idiot like that.'
'Oh that's nothing!' said the attendant, 'You should have heard what Dougal Black said when I pushed him onto the platform at Perth at seven o'clock this morning.'
Grammar: should have + past participle
When you want to criticize mistakes in the past, you can use should + have + past participle.
I shouldn't have eaten so many cherries. I feel terrible.
We should have left the classroom tidier, but we didn't have time. The teacher was very angry with us.
You shouldn't have told her she was fat. You've really upset her.
sajjad1973
13-12-2012, 20:54
D6.The Elixir of Life
modal verbs of deduction in the present
In a village in the mountains, a little old man with a beard and a young girl set up a stall in the market place one day, selling bottles of homemade medicine, labelled ‘The Elixir of Life’.
‘Come on, everyone!’ the old man called out. ‘Don’t miss your chance to beat ageing. This is your opportunity to buy Archie’s miracle medicine. It’s the only medicine that cures old age. You only have to look at me to see the proof. I’m two hundred and five years old.’
A crowd quickly gathered around the market stall, and the old man and the girl were kept busy handing out the bottle of medicine and taking the money.
There were two younger men in the crowd, and one of them said to the other, ‘You don’t really think he’s genuine, do you?’
‘I don’t know. He might be telling the truth. He’s got an honest face.’
‘You’ve got to be kidding! said the man. ‘He must be lying. It has to be a trick.’
‘Well, why not ask his assistant, then, if you don’t believe it?’ suggested his friend. So the man approached the girl and asked. ‘He can’t really be that old, can he? That’s completely ridiculous. Tell me the truth, is he really two hundred and five years old?’
‘I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t really say.’ the girl replied, ‘I’ve only been working for him for the past seventy five years.’
Grammar: modal verbs of deduction
When you make logical deductions and draw conclusions from evidence you can use these forms. The choice of verb communicates how certain or uncertain you are about your guesses.
I’m sure it’s true.
I’m not sure.
I’m sure it’s impossible.
It must be true.
It might be true.
It can’t be true.
It has to be true.
It may be true.
It’s got to be true.
It could be true.
Note that the opposite of It must be… is It can’t be…, [not It mustn’t be…]
sajjad1973
14-12-2012, 12:59
D7. Recipe for Disaster
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ability / inability
Dave and Ian were both post-graduate research students at Cambridge University. One evening, they were chatting and the conversation turned to cookery.
‘I tried my hand at cookery once, you know.’ Dave told Ian, ‘but I never managed to work it out.
‘I find that very hard to believe, Dave.’ said Ian. ‘You’ve got a first class degree in Physics and you’re completing your doctorate. You are capable of understanding highly complex technical manuals and formulating new ideas from your research. You must be able to follow a recipe.’
‘I tried,’ admitted Dave, ‘but I couldn’t manage it.’
‘Why?’ insisted Ian. ‘Because the recipe book was full of complicated instructions too difficult for you to follow?’
‘Well, you see,’ explained Dave, ‘the problem lay in the fact that all the recipes began in the same way. They all started with Take a clean dish.’
Grammar: ability and inability
There are a variety of ways to express the ideas of ability and inability in English.
could + infinitive without to
I couldn’t understand what the lecturer was talking about.
be able to + infinitive
I’d love to be able to cook well.
manage to + infinitive
It was a difficult book but I eventually managed to understand the theory.
to be capable of + gerund
I don’t think I’m capable of understanding this technical manual.
Note that the modal verb could can not be used in infinitive, gerund or future forms. To express these ideas, use be able to or manage to instead.
sajjad1973
15-12-2012, 17:17
D8. Working late
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indirect polite requests
Philip was a junior office assistant in a large company. He was quite ambitious, so he was keen to make a good impression on the boss. He often stayed late at the office, to show how committed and hardworking he was. One evening, he was just about to go home when he saw his boss standing in front of the shredder, holding a document.
‘Ah, Philip! I’m so glad you’re still here in the office!’ said the boss, ‘Good to see all your hard work and professionalism. Now I wonder if you could help me.’
‘Of course, ’ replied Philip. ‘Anything at all. It’s no trouble.’
‘Good man! You see, the thing is, my secretary has already gone home and I haven’t got a clue how this thing works. It’s really important that I get this done before tomorrow. If you could do this one more thing, before you go home I’d really appreciate it.’
‘No problem,’ said Phil, happy to be asked to do such a simple job.
He took the document from his boss, turned on the machine, inserted the document and pressed the start button.
‘That’s excellent,’ said the boss, as the document vanished into the shredder. ‘I just need two copies.’
Grammar: indirect polite requests
There are many ways to ask for help politely. Using an indirect form often sounds more formal and polite than a direct question.
Could you help me?
I wonder if you could help me?
Can you carry these bags for me?
If you could carry these bags for me I’d really appreciate it.
Pass me those papers.
Do you think you could pass me those papers, please?
sajjad1973
16-12-2012, 18:15
D9. Noisy neighbours
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Text organizers: but for... etc.
Adam was a student in a large university in London. He was living in a college hall of residence during his first year. After he had been there for a month, his mother came to visit.
‘How have you been enjoying university life, then, Adam?’
‘It’s great, mom. Well, it’s great, except for my neighbours. But for them, it would be perfect.’
‘So what’s wrong with them?’ his mother asked.
‘They're such noisy people!’, Adam replied. ‘You see, the student who lives on the right hand side keeps banging his head against the wall, and won't stop. And the one on the left hand side screams and screams all through the night!’
His mother sympathized with him, ‘Oh, dear! You poor thing! How do you manage to put up with such noisy neighbours?’
‘Well, there’s not much I can do apart from trying to ignore them,’ he answered. ‘I just stay here quietly in my room playing my trumpet!’
Grammar: text organisers except, except for, apart from, but for
You can talk about exceptions in several ways.
I'm the only one in my family with brown hair.
Everyone in my family has brown hair apart from me.
Except for me, everyone in my family has brown hair.
Everyone in my family except me has brown hair.
But for our hair colour, my sister and I would look almost identical.
These expressions are sometimes followed by a gerund form:
The holiday was completely free, apart from spending a little on food.
My old printer is fine except for making a slight noise when I turn it on.
sajjad1973
17-12-2012, 18:06
D10. Electrician at work
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Inversions
Once an electrician called Mike Jenkins was called to do some rewiring for an old lady called Mrs Butler. He went into the house and Mrs Butler showed him into the sitting room where he was going to be working. Hardly had he set foot in the room, than he heard first a loud squawk and then a low growl behind him. He turned round to find a parrot in a cage and an Alsatian dog. Never before had he seen such an enormous and ferocious-looking dog.
‘I’m afraid I have to go out for a couple of hours, Mr Jenkins, so I’ll just leave you here to get on with it, if that’s all right with you’, said Mrs Butler. Mike was not a great animal-lover, and the idea of working in the same room as the dog was worrying him, so he turned to Mrs Johnston and asked her,
‘Is your dog going to be OK with a stranger in the house? I must admit, I’m a little bit nervous about dogs that size.’
‘Oh, no!’, she reassured him. ‘Brutus won’t make a nuisance of himself, Mr Jenkins. He just does exactly what he’s told, so you don’t need to worry about him. But please be careful of the parrot. Under no circumstances should you say anything to the parrot.’
So Mike started work on the rewiring. No sooner had he begun, than the parrot started making rude remarks about his work.
‘That’s rubbish!’ said the parrot. ‘You’ve done it all wrong!’
Mike ignored the parrot and carried on working.
‘You’re making a terrible mistake!’, said the parrot, ‘You’re rubbish!’
Mike kept on working, whistling a tune to try to cover up the noise of the irritating parrot.
‘Not only are you a rubbish electrician, but you can’t even whistle!’, said the parrot.
By this stage, Mike had had enough of these insults so he turned to the parrot and said,
‘Just shut up while I’m working, will you?’
The parrot opened its beak and said to the dog, ‘Get him, Brutus!’
Grammar: Inversions
In written English you can place some adverbs and adverbial expressions at the beginning of the sentence for greater emphasis and a more dramatic effect.
Here are some of the adverbs which can be used in this way: seldom, rarely, hardly ever, never, no sooner, not only, never.
The typical word order for this structure is adverb + auxiliary + subject pronoun + verb. This dramatic inversion is not frequently used in spoken English.
Compare the word order of these sentences.
I’ve seldom seen such a beautiful landscape.
Seldom have I seen such a beautiful landscape.
The settings on this computer must not be changed under any circumstances.
Under no circumstances should the settings on this computer be changed.
east&west
18-12-2012, 09:12
D10. Electrician at work
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Inversions
Once an electrician called Mike Jenkins was called to do some rewiring for an old lady called Mrs Butler. He went into the house and Mrs Butler showed him into the sitting room where he was going to be working. Hardly had he set foot in the room, than he heard first a loud squawk and then a low growl behind him. He turned round to find a parrot in a cage and an Alsatian dog. Never before had he seen such an enormous and ferocious-looking dog.
‘I’m afraid I have to go out for a couple of hours, Mr Jenkins, so I’ll just leave you here to get on with it, if that’s all right with you’, said Mrs Butler. Mike was not a great animal-lover, and the idea of working in the same room as the dog was worrying him, so he turned to Mrs Johnston and asked her,
‘Is your dog going to be OK with a stranger in the house? I must admit, I’m a little bit nervous about dogs that size.’
‘Oh, no!’, she reassured him. ‘Brutus won’t make a nuisance of himself, Mr Jenkins. He just does exactly what he’s told, so you don’t need to worry about him. But please be careful of the parrot. Under no circumstances should you say anything to the parrot.’
So Mike started work on the rewiring. No sooner had he begun, than the parrot started making rude remarks about his work.
‘That’s rubbish!’ said the parrot. ‘You’ve done it all wrong!’
Mike ignored the parrot and carried on working.
‘You’re making a terrible mistake!’, said the parrot, ‘You’re rubbish!’
Mike kept on working, whistling a tune to try to cover up the noise of the irritating parrot.
‘Not only are you a rubbish electrician, but you can’t even whistle!’, said the parrot.
By this stage, Mike had had enough of these insults so he turned to the parrot and said,
‘Just shut up while I’m working, will you?’
The parrot opened its beak and said to the dog, ‘Get him, Brutus!’
Grammar: Inversions
In written English you can place some adverbs and adverbial expressions at the beginning of the sentence for greater emphasis and a more dramatic effect.
Here are some of the adverbs which can be used in this way: seldom, rarely, hardly ever, never, no sooner, not only, never.
The typical word order for this structure is adverb + auxiliary + subject pronoun + verb. This dramatic inversion is not frequently used in spoken English.
Compare the word order of these sentences.
I’ve seldom seen such a beautiful landscape.
Seldom have I seen such a beautiful landscape.
The settings on this computer must not be changed under any circumstances.
Under no circumstances should the settings on this computer be changed.
English Jokes !! ...yeah itz english , but it's no joke
sajjad1973
18-12-2012, 10:03
English Jokes !! ...yeah itz english , but it's no joke
It's sir
But it seems it doesn't make you to laugh
Sent from my MT15i using Tapatalk 2
lovelykid
19-12-2012, 11:08
Hey Guys! are you sure these are jokes?! :n13:
these are too long and I'm really lazy, is it possible to tell me which one is more funny?! :n04:
sajjad1973
19-12-2012, 19:36
Hey Guys! are you sure these are jokes?! :n13:
these are too long and I'm really lazy, is it possible to tell me which one is more funny?! :n04:
may be the shortest one, you can find the shortest one of this course on page 34 post 334, actually it's for elementry level, dont bother yourself with the next long jocks :n02: ,
sajjad1973
19-12-2012, 19:45
D11. Out fishing
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won’t / wouldn’t for refusals
Jake was a keen fisherman and at the weekends he often took his boat out to the middle of the lake to relax and recover from the hustle and bustle of the working week. One day, Jake was sitting in his boat, enjoying the tranquility of the place. The sun was shining and he was listening to the gentle lapping of the water around his boat. He noticed a woman walking along by the side of a lake.
The woman stopped and called out, ‘Hey! You! Are you thinking out there?’
Jake was a bit annoyed at this disturbance of the peace of the lake, but he answered politely, ‘Yes, I’m thinking. I always come out fishing to get a bit of peace and quiet.’
The woman wouldn’t go away, as Jake hoped, but shook her head yelled again, ‘But you’re thinking!’
Jake was getting sick and tired of the woman by this stage so he shouted back again at her, ‘Yes, I was thinking until you interrupted me! Now, clear off and leave me alone. You’re disturbing the fish.’
He was surprised to see that the woman still wouldn’t walk away, but just stood on the lake side staring out at him. Since she wasn’t making any noise any more, he decided to just ignore her and carry on fishing. Suddenly, Jake noticed that the boat was filling up fast with water, and almost immediately the boat sank, forcing him to swim to the shore. He emerged from the lake, soaking wet from head to toe, freezing cold and completely miserable. The woman was standing next to him looking down at him.
‘I thaid that you were thinking,’ she said, ‘but you wouldn’t lithen.’
Grammar: won’t / wouldn’t for refusals
You can use won’t / wouldn’t to talk about refusals to do something.
I’ve asked my neighbours to talk more quietly but they won’t listen.
I shouted at the dog but it wouldn’t move.
This form can also be used to talk about instruments or machines which do not function properly.
I tried to open the door, but it wouldn’t move.
I keep clicking on my mouse but the window won’t open.
Atefe_72
27-12-2012, 14:51
?How do you count a herd of cattle
:n02:.With a cowculator
Mad Dawgg
09-01-2013, 17:12
thank you funnybots ! don't make me laugh anymore... am pissin :sq_11: ! ffs
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east&west
19-01-2013, 22:23
Let’s take it a bit further :n10: a bit dirty
Knock-knock ! X
Who's there ? ? ? X
Dover
Dover who? X
Ben Dover and I'll give you a big surprise! X
Knock-knock ! X
Who's there ? ? ? X
Buster. X
Buster who? X
Buster Cherry! Is your daughter home? X
In Case you get wondered what a Knock Knock Joke is >>>>> [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
lovelykid
22-01-2013, 07:46
When Someone says -
"Nothing can be More Complicated than Love"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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.
.
Just throw Engineering Books on their face.....!!:n26: x
lovelykid
22-01-2013, 07:47
A good lecture should be like a Girl’s mini skirt…
Long enough to cover the subject &
short enough to create interest :n08: x
east&west
22-01-2013, 10:31
A good lecture should be like a Girl’s mini skirt…
Long enough to cover the subject &
short enough to create interest :n08: x
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lovelykid
26-01-2013, 11:06
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was so in love and didn’t notice.” :n05: x
lovelykid
26-01-2013, 11:08
What a woman says:
Cmon…This place is a mess! You and I need to clean. Your pants are on the floor and you’ll have no clothes if we don’t do laundry now!
What a man hears:
C’MON….blah, blah, blah YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, NOW! :n04: x
lovelykid
26-01-2013, 11:14
Ricky was telling his father about his new girlfriend. He said,
“Since I met her I can’t eat, drink, or sleep.”
“Why’s that?” asked his father.
“Because,” he said, “I’m broke.” :n13: x
lovelykid
26-01-2013, 11:16
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked, “Honey, if I died would you get married again?”
The man said, “No dear.”
The woman said, “I’m sure you would.”
So the man said, “Okay, I would”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her sleep in our bed?”
And the man replied, “Ya, I guess so.”
Then the woman asked, “Would you let her use my golf clubs?”
And the man replied, “No, she’s left handed.” :n02: x
lovelykid
26-01-2013, 11:29
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the as**shole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the as**shole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the sh*it!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a boss – any a**sshole will do :n02: .
lovelykid
27-01-2013, 13:24
Steve, Bob, and Jeff were working on a very high scaffolding one day when suddenly, Steve falls off and is killed instantly. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize that one of them is going to have to tell Steve’s wife.
Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job. After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.
“So did you tell her?” asks Jeff.
“Yep”, replied Bob.
“Say, where did you get the six-pack?”
Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me!”
“What??” exclaims Jeff, “you just told her her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”
“Sure,” Bob says.
“Why?” asks Jeff.
“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’ So I said: “I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!’”
lovelykid
27-01-2013, 13:25
A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.” :n08: x
lovelykid
27-01-2013, 13:39
Q: Why do gorillas have big noses?
A: Because they have big fingers :n02: x
May i say bad jokes :p ?
hahahhaa
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:10
May i say bad jokes :p ?
hahahhaa
First wear something and then ask question! we have some shy girls here dude! :n02: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:12
Funny sentence written on the T-shirt of a beautiful girl walking on side of the road:
You r not looking at the road right now! Be Careful!!! :n09: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:17
NEWTON IN ROMANTIC MOOD..
Universal Law Of Love:
Love Can Neither Be Created Nor Be Destroyed; Only It Can Transfer From One Girlfriend To Another Girlfriend With Some Loss Of Money.
1st Law Of Love:
A Boy In Love With A Girl, Continue To Be In Love With Her And A Girl In Love With A Boy, Continue To Be In Love With Him, Until Or Unless Any External Agent(Brother Or Father Of The Gal) Comes Into Play And Break The Legs Of The Boy.
2nd Law Of Love:
The Rate Of Change Of Intensity Of Love Of A Girl Towards A Boy Is Directly Proportional To The Instantaneous Bank Balance Of The Boy And The Direction Of This Love Is Same To As Increment Or Decrement Of The Bank Balance.
3rd Law Of Love:
The Force Applied While Proposing A Girl By A Boy Is Equal And Opposite To The Force Applied By The Girl While Slapping :n09: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:18
Love is when i walk to other side of classroom
to sharp my pencil, Just to See her..
N then realize that,
.
.
.
.
.
Im holding a pen..!! :n04: :n12: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:22
What is the best example of ‘once in a lifetime’ opportunity?
A Mosquito lands on your wife’s face,
& u get the rarest opportunity of your life..
Never miss it!! :n10: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:24
Hardest job in the world:
.
.
.
.
Police sketch artist in CHINA :n02: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:27
It is said that if you close your eyes, you see the person you love the most.
but when i do that,
.
.
.
.
.
.
SlideShow begins :n10: x.
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:33
The difference between TRUTH and LIE.
TRUTH: Is a debit card
Pay 1st and enjoy later.
LIE: Is a credit card
Enjoy 1st and pay later. :n05: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:36
Doctors After Operation and Students After Exam Both tell the Same Answer
.
.
.
.
.
We Tried Our Best and Can’t Say Anything Right Now! :n01: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:37
Girls not remain without boys.. How??
Fe(male)-male
Wo(man)-man
S(he)-he
So girls don't try to be alone :n05: x
lovelykid
09-02-2013, 11:39
Some IDIOTS say that
Behind every successful man there will be a women.
But nobody knows the fact that
Women choose only successful men. :n13: x
lovelykid
13-02-2013, 07:14
What’s D Difference Between Mother’s & GF’s Tears?
Classic Answer
Mother’s Tears Effect Our HEART & GF’s Tears Effect Our POCKET :n14: x
lovelykid
13-02-2013, 07:16
Boy: Wow..
You look so perfect
with incredible body
and flower like skin.
What do you use?
Girl: Adobe Photoshop! :n02: x
lovelykid
13-02-2013, 07:30
Latest Research:
Boys always remain faithful to their girlfriend..!!
But,
.
.
Which girlfriend??
.
.
.
.
.
That is still a topic of research..!! :n09: x
lovelykid
13-02-2013, 07:31
Girl: Which computer do u have?
Boy: I have a computer with intel core i7
processor at 3.3 ghz, windows 7, 64 bit, 8gb ram
& nvidia gtx 560 graphics card.
Boy: which computer do YOU have???
Girl: A PINK ONE !! :n04: x
lovelykid
23-02-2013, 17:32
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends, You order what you want then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that :n03: x
lovelykid
23-02-2013, 17:36
what's an Atom Bomb:
An invention to end all inventions :n04: x
lovelykid
23-02-2013, 17:41
A.B.C.D.E.F.G
“A Boy Can Do Everthing For a Girl”
Reverse of it:
G.F.E.D.C.B.A
“Girls Forget Everthing Done & Catches New Boy Again” :n04: x
lovelykid
23-02-2013, 17:46
Americans Invented Cellphone.
Japanese Invented SIM Card.
Iranians Invented Missed Call.!
Proud To Be An Iranians! :n09: x
lovelykid
24-02-2013, 07:02
Husband: can u be the moon of my life?
Wife: Awww Yes sweetheart..!
.
.
.
.
.
Husband: Great! then….
Stay 9,955,887.6 kms away from Me..!! :n09: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 07:39
New way of writting answers in exams.
If you don’t know the answer,
then put lines like this :
||||||||||
and write below :
“Scratch here for ANSWERS” :n13: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 07:42
A boy got rejected & girl got selected in an interview 4 same reason. Think? They both had the first two buttons of their shirts open in front of the CEO... :n02: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 07:45
Sweet Fact : If a Girl has balance in her cell, then she definitely has a boyfriend.. And If a Boy has sufficient balance in his cell, then he surely does not have any Girlfriend.. :n05: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 07:48
A Secretary came angrily out of boss cabin
colleague asked: Wat happened?
She replied: He asked me are U free tonight?
I said-yes & bastard give me 50 pages of work. :n04: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 07:49
If you think your boss is stupid,Remember You would not get the job If he was smarter :n09: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 07:58
One hand on pen, other on phone, One ear on lecture,
other on gossip, One eye on board, other on Girlfriend,
Which Ass says student life is easy?
We are very busy..!!! :n09: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 08:00
How do u know when kids start to grow up?
Girls grow up when they start to put lipstick n boys grow up when they start to wipe it off! :n13: :n04: :n10: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 08:04
If a boy gives a love letter to a girl, people call him OFFER But if a gal gives a letter 2a boy, they call it LOAFER. Feel the difference :n13: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 08:11
When a woman loves you, you're a husband;
When a few women love you, you're a man;
When many women love you, you're a lover;
When hundreds of women love you, you're an idol;
When thousands of women love you, you're a leader;
When all the women in the world love you, you're not human but a gold, diamond, Rupee, Dollar, Euro, Yen... :n09: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 08:16
Life is a hell when u have American wife. Indian salary. Persian car and German food. life is heaven when you had American salary, Indian wife German car and Persian food :n05: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 08:17
TEACHER: you call your Mother as MUM. What will you call your Mother’s Younger Sister & Elder Sister?
student: So simple, i’ll call them MINIMUM & MAXIMUM :n09: x
lovelykid
06-03-2013, 08:22
u r genius,
ur mind is a master piece.
It is divided into left and right.
In the left part nothing is right
and in right part nothing is left :n09: x
planaria
25-06-2013, 10:38
Two man are hunting.Suddenly,one man falls down and isn't moving.
the other man calls for help on his cell phone."Help!'the man says,"i think my friend is dead!"
"I can help you ," says the woman on the phone."first,are you certain your friend is dead?"It's quite for a minute.the woman hears a gunshot .The man returns to the phone."Yes,he's dead.now what?":n28:
That wasn't funny at all and I know that.
hi . it is first post that I send to this topic . this is a funny story .exactly for women so I ask all women to read it :n02:l
============================
A man with a gun went into a bank and demanded their money. Once he was given the money, he turned to a customer and asked, 'Did you see me rob this bank ?'l
The man replied, 'Yes sir, I did.'l
The robber then shot him in the temple, killing him instantly.l
He then turned to a couple standing next to him and asked the man, 'Did you see me rob this bank?'l
The man replied, 'No sir, I didn't, but my wife did.'ll:n02:l
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
One of Harry's feet was bigger than the other. “I can never find boots and shoes for my feet,” he said to his friend Dick. l
“Why don't you go to a shoemaker?” Dick said. “A good one can make you the right shoes.” l
l
“I've never been to a shoemaker,” Harry said. “Aren't they very expensive?” l
“No,” Dick said, “some of them aren't. There's a good one in our village, and he's quite cheap. Here's his address.” He wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to Harry. l
Harry went to the shoemaker in Dick's village a few days later, and the shoemaker made him some shoes. l
Harry went to the shop again a week later and looked at the shoes. Then he said to the shoemaker angrily, “You're a silly man! I
said, “Make one shoe bigger than the other,” but you've made one smaller than the other!” l
Hi
Think before saying anythings to anyone is very good ( Specially when we are angry ) . I hope ...we can do it ..l
you can see the synonymous of some words in the bracket
=================================
A Bag of Nails
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father was very concerned( = interested ) for his son’s future and thought(= p.p of think ) hard about how he could explain to his son why relationships are so important and controlling his temper is a key factor in this
After much thought his father gave him a bag full of nails ( = A nail is a small piece of metal with a sharp end which you hit with a hammer in order to push it into something ) and told him, “Every time you lose your temper, hammer a nail into the back of the fence.” His son did not understand but knew that his father was wise so he agreed
On the first day that the boy received his bag of nails he ended up driving about 37 nails into the fence. Each day he learned little by little to control his temper. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence
Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all
He was very proud ( = feeling pleased and satisfied about your own or something ) of himself and went to share his good news with his father. His Father was very proud of him and offered a challenge to his son. “Why don’t you pull out a nail everyday that you are able to hold your temper?" l
As there were many nails in the fence it took the boy sometime to finally remove the nails from the fence. But eventually that joyous day arrived. He was so pleased with himself and he wanted to share this with his father
His father was so proud of his son, but he wanted him to understand that holding his temper was more than just being able to add or remove nails from a fence
He took his son’s hand and showed him all the holes that were left from the nails. “As you see my son, this fence will never be the same, the fence is scarred with holes from your temper
Think of these holes as the words you have spoken in anger, the wounds you have left in people’s lives . Always remember the fence before you speak words of anger
Hi
=================================
A man found a cocoon ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])of a butterfly ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] GJX3D_qIM6jp2m8SPg-) . One day a small opening ( = hole ) appeared. He sat and watched the butterfly for several hours as it struggled ( = to try very hard to do something when it is difficult ) to force (= get out ) its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress and the man thought the butterfly could not get out of the cocoon .l
So the man decided to help the butterfly. He took a pair of scissors ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]) ( = a tool for cutting paper or cloth, that has two sharp blades with handles ) and snipped off ( = to cut something with scissors )the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged ( = to come out of a dark or hidden place ) easily. But it had a swollen ( = larger than normal ) body and small, shriveled ( = to become or make something dry and wrinkled ) wings
The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge ( = to become bigger ) and expand to be able to support the body, . Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of ( = the remaining part of something ) its life crawling ( to move forward on your hands and knees, with your body close to the ground ) around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly . l
=================================
moral of story : l
if god had provided us with an easy life without any difficulties then we become paralyzed and could not become strong and could not fly
chapanah
01-09-2013, 09:51
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] stop%2Bchildhood%2Btrolling%2Babuse_036cc2_4014607-png
Mr G.T.S
22-08-2015, 19:28
The Perfect Son
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
Mr G.T.S
22-08-2015, 19:29
The First Day
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl:n17:: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?
Mr G.T.S
22-08-2015, 19:32
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the....
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
- - - Updated - - -
A man receives a phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The man says, "OK, give me the good news first."
The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live."
The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?"
The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."
resane.modern33
11-05-2017, 08:02
cool jokes. thank u all
resane.modern33
11-05-2017, 08:09
so coooooooooool
resane.modern33
11-05-2017, 08:12
this is a very nice topic, but i cant remember any joke. so i enjoy reading your jokes.
cyruskingsolomon
27-05-2021, 13:44
very funny
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