ENGLISH JOKES

[love-to-learn]

They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"

[amintnt]

A Wife's Duty


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!

[amintnt]

A Good Teacher

One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!

[amintnt]

The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

[love-to-learn]

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"

After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"

[love-to-learn]

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

[amintnt]

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

I'd read its persian

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'

'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'

'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'

'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'

[amintnt]

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".


One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"

[amintnt]

Hey I find this in teacherjoe.us site and i really find it interesting.
"I love work so much that I could look at it all day".

. At the beginning, it sounds like this person really enjoys DOING work, but in the end, "love work" can have a different meaning!

[love-to-learn]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"

"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"