ENGLISH JOKES

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I don't care to say I don't understand this joke. Can anybody explain it to me.

Bracelet A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and
decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it.
Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will
hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit.
The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet
for her for up to four weeks.
Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?"
The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet
as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"

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Carpet
An old lady had bought a new carpet and the carpet fitter was fitting
it for her. Once he had fitted it he went outside to have a cigarette,
but he couldn't find his packet of cigarettes.
He looked in all his pockets and in his van, but he just couldn't find
them. So, he went back into the room where he had fitted the carpet to
see if he had dropped the packet in there.
As he entered the room he noticed a small lump under the carpet in the
middle of the room.
He decided to flatten the lump rather than undo all his work, so he took
a hammer and banged the lump until it was flat.
As he was putting his tools away the old lady walked into the room. She
was holding a packet of cigarettes. She said, "I found these in the
hallway. You must have dropped them."
"Now, I just need to find my budgie."

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Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it
hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"

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Good news, bad news
The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had
showers or been able to change their clothes.
Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some
good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."
The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're
going to change our underwear."
All the men cheered.
Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.
Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "

[r_azary]

very good for students of English

In the classroom
A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning
with 'I', please."
Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."
The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a
sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."
Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."
The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."
Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

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River
A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river
is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank.
He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other
side of the river already."
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Fortune teller
Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to
see what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.
The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that
she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you
predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them
has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her,
so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days
before you do, your majesty."

[r_azary]

COME ON

lle:LETS LEARN ENGLISH

[r_azary]

Supermarket

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."

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Turkey

A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out
again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."

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Doctor and lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked
they were constantly interupted by people describing their health
problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.
After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I
send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for
advice outside the office again."
The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.
The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman
pushed a letter through his letterbox.
The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.

[r_azary]

I don't understand this joke
U can help me??

Best worker

Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."

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Magic

While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."

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Europe English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!

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A lecture about English A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."