ENGLISH JOKES

[amintnt]

How to Tell the --- of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.l

"Hunting Flies" He respondedl

"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.l

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.l

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"l


He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."l

[siyanor]

A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.
''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.

''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''

''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''

[•*´• pegah •´*•]

1.girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets,
transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile..

2.Proof that gals are evil:first v state that girls require time and money......Girls= time x money...As we all know"Time is money"......Time=Money. .....Therefore Gals=Money x Money=Money square...... .And because money is the "Root of all evil"......Money= evil root.....Therefore ...Gals=evil square.....Therefor e v are forced to conclude that.....Girls= EVIL..... .

3.Girls are like phones, they like to be held and talked too, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! .....

4.When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.....

5.Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!

6.WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!...

7.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!...

8.What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women...

9.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend...

10.How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing....

11.God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested


12.What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!....

13. He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!

14.99.99% accidents are caused by women...firstly when they get confused...they press gas instead of breakes....secondly whenthey wear hot clothes...men r too busy checking them out....

15.All galz say i am not like other galz "I am different" (all r same)...

16.If a gal says she has told no one the secret....u should assume she has already told to her best friend...

[danavan]

A teacher ask"wot part of the body goes to heaven first?"A child replies"feet- coz every nite i c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!
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The Word 'Hello' means H=How R U? E=Everything all right? L=Like 2 hear 4rm U. L=Love 2 C U soon. O=Obviously, I miss you!
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DRACULA KISS
As u go 2 bed 2nite, I ordered bats 2 guard u tight. I told some ghosts to dance in white, & 2 make sure u r alryt, i'LL ask dracula 2 kiss ur neck goodnight..
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Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
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How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!
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HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, ---- and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?
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Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
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How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
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It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
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If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
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We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found
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My girlfriend always laughs during *** - no matter what she's reading.
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After the party - mum, I am not drunk, I can lay on the flour without holding on
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Kill one you're a murderer, kill 10 you're a serial murderer, kill them all, you're GOD.
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You wanna come to my place for some pizza and ***? No? Why, don't you like pizza?!
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Why is a woman 20.000 $ worth and a man only 2$? A woman has a milk factory, a mussel farm and a sawmill; a man a sausage, 2 bitterballs and a little pot of mayonnaise
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God created the universe, the earth, nature, the eggs, man and saw that it was good and beautiful. God also created woman and thought : ‘I hope she will make herself up’!
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I am a killer,I kill people for money.....But because you are my friend,I'll kill you for nothing!
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I am not stupid, I am blond!!! B - L - O - N - T
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One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.
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This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
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When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
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It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!
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Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!
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Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!
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The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
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If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE SUBSCRIBER!
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Computer :A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!
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A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.
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Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.
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It must have been a rainy day when you were born..Heaven was crying 'cus it lost its most beautiful angel!
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Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
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[mehrdad21]

Persians are Persians


The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Persians up here in heavens that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, their dogs are riding the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and watermelon seeds all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Persians are Persians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Persians have extinguished the fire and are trying to install air conditioning

[danavan]

New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"

[emtn]

If you have no ball between your legs, you are not a man.
If you have two balls between your legs, you are a man.
If you have four balls between your legs, you are not a super man. You are being f**ked!

[danavan]

CONFUSION
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God
male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both
male and female."
This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the
less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"

[danavan]

Always Late
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he
was five, 10, 15 minutes late.
But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom
into his office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up
job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the
Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

[Yazz]

there are some places in concert saloons which voices are repeated twice there
!!!!!the tickets of those places always bought by scotish men, cause they pay once and hear twice