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صفحه 8 از 47 اولاول ... 45678910111218 ... آخرآخر
نمايش نتايج 71 به 80 از 463

نام تاپيک: ENGLISH JOKES

  1. #71
    حـــــرفـه ای Asalbanoo's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Jun 2006
    محل سكونت
    esfahan
    پست ها
    10,370

    پيش فرض 50 Reasons

    50 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Someone's Used Sofa

    The owner says:


    "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."

    "Have you had your shots?"

    "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."

    "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."

    "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."

    "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."

    "You can have those Fritos."

    "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."

    "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."

    "It should be clean, we hosed it off."

    "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."

    "It can even float for nearly an hour."

    "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"

    "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."

    "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."

    "It used to be a lot longer."

    "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."

    "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."

    "Don't smoke near it."

    "You can hardly tell where they hurled."

    "The fire hardly touched this side."

    "It only smells this way when it's humid."

    There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".

    The cushions begin crawling away.

    The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.

    The owner asks you to sign a waiver.

    What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.

    It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.

    The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.

    The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.

    A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".

    It has its own nickname.

    More than a dozen people know its nickname.

    More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.

    Someone appears to have constucted a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a gluegun.

    There are mushrooms growing on the back.

    It seems to generate its own heat.

    Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.

    There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.

    It growls when you sit on it.

    It has a faint smell of ammonia.

    Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.

    The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.

    There's a coin slot on the armrest. v
    There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".

    The owner occassionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them. v
    It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.

    You hear scampering noises inside.

    The owner offers to throw in a free:

    can of Lysol

    can of Raid

    flyswatter

    flea collar

    ant trap

    vial of penicillin

    Under the cushions you find:

    half a bottle of ketchup

    empty shotgun shells

    an entire squirrel skeleton

    Jimmy Hoffa's wallet

    a glass eye

    ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair

    the muffler from a '72 Dodge

  2. #72
    اگه نباشه جاش خالی می مونه cully_4u's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Sep 2005
    محل سكونت
    PALACE OF DREAMS
    پست ها
    417

    پيش فرض

    مکالمات تلفني واقعي ضبط شده در مراکز خدمات مشاوره مايکروسافت در انگلستان:

    مرکز مشاوره : چه نوع کامپيوتري داريد؟
    مشتري : يک کامپيوتر سفيد ...


    Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
    Customer: A white one...

    مشتري : سلام، من «سلين» هستم. نمي تونم ديسکتم رو دربيارم
    مرکز : سعي کردين دکمه رو فشار بدين؟
    مشتري : آره، ولي اون واقعاً گير کرده
    مرکز : اين خوب نيست، من يک يادداشت آماده مي کنم ...
    مشتري : نه ... صبر کن ... من هنوز نذاشتمش تو درايو ... هنوز روي ميزمه .. ببخشيد ...


    Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
    Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
    Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
    Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
    Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....

    مرکز : روي آيکن My Computer در سمت چپ صفحه کليک کن .
    مشتري : سمت چپ شما يا سمت چپ من؟


    Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
    Customer: Your left or my left?

    مرکز : روز خوش، چه کمکي از من برمياد؟
    مشتري : سلام ... من نمي تونم پرينت کنم .
    مرکز : ميشه لطفاً روي Start کليک کنيد و ...
    مشتري : گوش کن رفيق؛ براي من اصطلاحات فني نيار! من بيل گيتس نيستم، لعنتي !


    Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
    Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
    Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
    Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!

    مشتري : سلام، عصرتون بخير، من مارتا هستم، نمي تونم پرينت بگيرم . هر دفعه سعي مي کنم ميگه : «نمي تونم پرينتر رو پيدا کنم» من حتي پرينتر رو بلند کردم و جلوي مانيتور گذاشتم ، اما کامپيوتر هنوز ميگه نمي تونه پيداش کنه ...


    Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...

    مشتري : من توي پرينت گرفتن با رنگ قرمز مشکل دارم ...
    مرکز : آيا شما پرينتر رنگي داريد؟
    مشتري : نه.


    Customer: I have problems printing in red...
    Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
    Customer: No.

    مرکز : الآن روي مانيتورتون چيه خانوم؟
    مشتري : يه خرس Teddy که دوست پسرم از سوپرمارکت برام خريده .


    Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
    Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.

    مرکز : و الآن F8 رو بزنين .
    مشتري : کار نمي کنه .
    مرکز : دقيقاً چه کار کردين؟
    مشتري : من کليد F رو 8 بار فشار دادم همونطور که بهم گفتيد، ولي هيچ اتفاقي نمي افته...


    Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
    Customer: It's not working.
    Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
    Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...

    مشتري : کيبورد من ديگه کار نمي کنه .
    مرکز : مطمئنيد که به کامپيوترتون وصله؟
    مشتري : نه، من نمي تونم پشت کامپيوتر برم.
    مرکز : کيبوردتون رو برداريد و 10 قدم به عقب بريد.
    مشتري : باشه.
    مرکز : کيبورد با شما اومد؟
    مشتري : بله
    مرکز : اين يعني کيبورد وصل نيست. کيبورد ديگه اي اونجا نيست؟
    مشتري : چرا، يکي ديگه اينجا هست. اوه ... اون يکي کار مي کنه!


    Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
    Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
    Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
    Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
    Customer: OK
    Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
    Customer: Yes
    Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
    Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!

    مرکز : رمز عبور شما حرف کوچک a مثل apple، و حرف بزرگ V مثل Victor ، و عدد 7 هست .
    مشتري : اون 7 هم با حروف بزرگه؟


    Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
    Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?

    يک مشتري نمي تونه به اينترنت وصل بشه ...
    مرکز : شما مطمئنيد رمز درست رو به کار برديد؟
    مشتري : بله مطمئنم. من ديدم همکارم اين کار رو کرد .
    مرکز : ميشه به من بگيد رمز عبور چي بود؟
    مشتري : پنج تا ستاره.


    A customer couldn't get on the internet.
    Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
    Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
    Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
    Customer: Five stars.

    مرکز : چه برنامه آنتي ويروسي استفاده مي کنيد؟
    مشتري : Netscape
    مرکز : اون برنامه آنتي ويروس نيست .
    مشتري : اوه، ببخشيد ... Internet Explorer.


    Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
    Customer: Netscape.
    Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
    Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

    مشتري : من يک مشکل بزرگ دارم. يکي از دوستام يک Screensaver روي کامپيوترم گذاشته، ولي هربار که ماوس رو حرکت ميدم، غيب ميشه !


    Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!

    مرکز : مرکز خدمات شرکت مايکروسافت، مي تونم کمکتون کنم؟
    مشتري : عصرتون بخير! من بيش از 4 ساعت براي شما صبر کردم. ميشه لطفاً بگيد چقدر طول ميکشه قبل از اينکه بتونين کمکم کنيد؟
    مرکز : آآه..؟ ببخشيد، من متوجه مشکلتون نشدم؟
    مشتري : من داشتم توي Word کار مي کردم و دکمه Help رو کليک کردم بيش از 4 ساعت قبل. ميشه بگيد کي بالاخره کمکم مي کنيد؟


    Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
    Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
    Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
    Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?

    مرکز : چه کمکي از من برمياد؟
    مشتري : من دارم اولين ايميلم رو مي نويسم.
    مرکز : خوب، و چه مشکلي وجود داره؟
    مشتري : خوب، من حرف a رو دارم، اما چطوري دورش دايره بذارم؟


    Helpdesk: How may I help you?
    Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
    Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
    Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?

    کپی شده از سایت :
    [ برای مشاهده لینک ، با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]

  3. #73
    حـــــرفـه ای Asalbanoo's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Jun 2006
    محل سكونت
    esfahan
    پست ها
    10,370

    پيش فرض

    Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
    Ted: $10.
    Teacher: You don't know maths.
    Ted: You don't know my father!
    ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....

    Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
    Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
    Father: So?
    Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
    If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
    ............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....

    Girl: Do you love me?
    Boy: Yes Dear
    Girl: Would you die for me?
    Boy: No, mine is undying love

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

    Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
    Customer: Don't tell me your problems .Give me the menu card.

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---

    Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
    Son: That's why I say she's no good!

    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --

    Teacher: "Where were u born?"
    Student: " Singapore , Sir."
    Teacher: "Which part?"
    Student: "All of me, Sir."
    ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

    Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
    Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
    Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
    Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

  4. #74
    حـــــرفـه ای Asalbanoo's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Jun 2006
    محل سكونت
    esfahan
    پست ها
    10,370

    پيش فرض Good Wan! Good One!

    Good Wan! (Good One!)"


    Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?



    Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.



    Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!



    Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?



    Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.



    Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?



    Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.



    Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!



    Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?



    Operator: I'm Saw Ree.



    Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!



    Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..



    Caller: Oh ......God!!! !

  5. #75
    حـــــرفـه ای Asalbanoo's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Jun 2006
    محل سكونت
    esfahan
    پست ها
    10,370

    پيش فرض innocent

    A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
    in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
    bee."



    DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."



    MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
    away by now."



    DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
    on the place you were stung."



    MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was
    sitting under a tree"



    DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
    part of your body did that bee sting."


    MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
    stung me on my finger and it really hurts"



    DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
    "Which one?"


    MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the
    same to me."

  6. #76
    حـــــرفـه ای Asalbanoo's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Jun 2006
    محل سكونت
    esfahan
    پست ها
    10,370

    پيش فرض

    McDonald, who was very sad,met his friend Sandy in the street.He said to his friend,"I cannot make up my mind whether to marry a wealthy widow whom i don't love or a poor girl whom i love very much.
    Sandy said,"My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
    "You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
    "In that case,can you give me the widow's address

  7. #77
    پروفشنال love-to-learn's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    May 2006
    محل سكونت
    Tehran
    پست ها
    545

    پيش فرض



    I'm Walking Backwards for...One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?""I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."


  8. #78
    حـــــرفـه ای Asalbanoo's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Jun 2006
    محل سكونت
    esfahan
    پست ها
    10,370

    پيش فرض Wacky Ways to Order a Pizza

    If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

    Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

    Use CB lingo where applicable.

    Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

    Terminate the call with, ``Remember, we never had this conversation.''

    Answer their questions with questions.

    In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

    Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

    Ask what the order taker is wearing.

    Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

    Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

    Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

    Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

    Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, ``Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?''

    If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, ``OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.''

    Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

    Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

    Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

    Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

    Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

    Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

    Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, ``Where was I? Who are you?''

    Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

    Act like you're ringing the police. Report a petty theft.

    If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, ``I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.''

    Start the conversation with ``My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...action!''

    Be vague in your order.

    When they repeat your order, say, ``Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.''

    Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, ``This may be my last entry.''

    State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

    Ask if they're familiar with the term ``spanking a pizza.'' Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

    Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

    Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, ``No mushrooms, please.'' Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

    Haggle.

    Order a one-inch pizza.

    Dance all around the word ``pizza''. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, ``Please don't mention that word.''

    Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell ``OW!'' when a bullet is fired.

    If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

    Order a steamed pizza.
    If the order taker gets too annoyed, pout and complain, ``The last guy let me do it.''

  9. #79
    حـــــرفـه ای Asalbanoo's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Jun 2006
    محل سكونت
    esfahan
    پست ها
    10,370

    پيش فرض Things to do when you're stuck in an elevator

    1. Ask people on the elevator if they've seen the first part of the movie Speed.
    2. Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, ``Looks okay so far,'' and get back in.
    3. Put notices in the elevators that read ``Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 87''
    4. Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor.
    5. Countdown ``5...4...3...2...1'' and then suddenly duck.
    6. Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, ``Going down?''
    7. Keep muttering, ``I hope it doesn't happen again...''
    8. Have a friend with you, but act like he's a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, ``Wanna trade?'' Then promptly trade wallets.
    9. Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi.
    10. Put on a crash helnet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, ``Ok, Dave, I'm ready. Let 'er RIP!'' (This doesn't quite make sense, but hey, you can't have everything.)
    11. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, ``Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!''
    12. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    13. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    14. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    15. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    16. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    17. Announce in a demonic voice, ``I must find a more suitable host body.''
    18. Wear ``X-Ray Specs'' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, ``Got enough air in there?''



    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    --Back to Just For Laughs-- --Back To Torinfo.Com--

  10. #80
    داره خودمونی میشه ™Bluetooth's Avatar
    تاريخ عضويت
    Feb 2007
    پست ها
    147

    4 Microsoft Technical Support!

    A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.

    The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.

    People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

    The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

    After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

    The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

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  • شما نمی توانید پاسخ خود را ویرایش کنید
  •