ENGLISH JOKES

[amintnt]

These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.

A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"

The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"

The Russian says, "What's meat?"

The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"

The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"

[love-to-learn]

This guy walks into a bar and sees this older couple who looks very
happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know.

The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?"

The older couple says "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!!!"

" 3years!!!" the bartender said "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle."

"Oh yes it does" said the couple " It said so right on the box 2 to 3 years.

[love-to-learn]

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely
examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious
enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it
between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like
rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."

The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."

Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."

The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."

ChaGiaDe suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous detective, Mr. GiaMacDzich, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report as follow :

Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, no see more.
NO FEE !!!

BELIEVE it or not,
These are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan

Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.

Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.

Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!

Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?

Mr Sori: I'm Sori.

Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!

Mr Sori: I'm Sori !!

Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!

Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori ! I'm Sori !! I'm SORI !!! you didnt even give me your name!

Lee Sum Wan: I told u before i'm Sum Wan ! Sum Wan !!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.

Mr Sori: Oh im so scared (sarcastically) . Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.

Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesnt work there.

Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws
everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!

Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan(don't have any idea on how to alternatively spell the name)is my sis!

Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody because i havent screw her yet."how bout that!?

((((RING RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause**


Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...I think I have the wrong number!!

[amintnt]

Hi! read this one! It's really funny.l
A guy goes to his father and introduces his new girlfriend, saying, "Dad,this is Nicole, my new girl friend, I think I'm going to marry her." His father looks at the girl, pulls her to the side and asks her, "Is your mom's name Rachel?", The girl says yes, "Is she a nurse?, yes, says the girl. The father pulls the son to the side and says to him, "Son, I don't think you should marry this girl because she may be your sister!"

The guy is disappointed, calls off his engagement and months later introduces another girl to his father. Dad, he says, "This is Heather, my new girlfriend and I think I'm going to marry her." Same thing happens, the father talks to the girl and advises his son not to pursue the relationship since there is a good chance that the girl could be his sister."
This scenario repeats itself a few more times. Finally, the guy goes to his mother, all frustrated and tells her the story. His mom says to him, "Son, go ahead and marry any of these girls that you wish. Your dad doesn't know it, but you are not his son!!!"

[Asalbanoo]

50 Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Class

Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"

Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.

.Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.

Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"

Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".

Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.

Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.

Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

Sing your questions.

Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."

Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.

Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.

Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".

Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.

Address the professor as "your excellency".

Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.

Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.

Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

Ask whether you have to come to class.

Present the professor with a large fruit basket.

Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.

Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.

Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.

Watch the professor through binoculars.

Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.

Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.

When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"

Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.

As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.

Claim that you wrote the class text book.

Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"

Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.

Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.

Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".

Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"

Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.

Wink at the professor every few minutes.

In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.

Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.