ENGLISH JOKES

[love-to-learn]

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

[love-to-learn]

This letter was written by an employee of the NIOC (National Iranian
Oil Company) back in the 1960`s to his American boss Mr.Hamilton.

Dear Mr.Hamilton
I, the undersigned, have worked in the NIOC in Masjed-Solyeman for three years, But since Mr.Ahmadi transferred here everything has changed.

I don't know "what a wet wood I have sold him" that from the very first day he has been "pulling the belt to my lift" With all kinds of "cat dancing" he has tried to become the "eye and the light" of Mr.Wilson. He made so much "mouse running" that finally Mr.Wilson "became donkey", and appointed Mr.Ahmadi as his right hand man, and told me to work "under his hand"

Mr.Wilson promised me that next year he would make me his right hand man, but "my eye didn't not drink water", and I knew that all these were "hat play", and he was trying to put a "hat on my head" I "put the seal of silence to my lips" and did not say anything. Since that he was just "putting watermelon under my arms" Knowing that this transfer was only "good for his aunt", I started begging him to forget that I ever came to see him and forget my visit altogether. I said "you saw camel, you did not see camel"....but he was not "getting off the devils donkey"..."what headache shall I give you" I am now forced to work in the mail house with bunch of "blind, bald, height and half height" people. "Imagine how much my ass burns"

Now Mr.Hamilton, "I turn around your head" you are my only hope and my "back and shelter"...."I swear you to the 14 innocents" please "do some work for me"...."in the resurrection day I`ll grasp your skirt"...."I have six head bread eaters".....I kiss our hand and legs"

Your servant

[love-to-learn]

If You Have A Lot Of Tension
And You Get A Headache,
Do What It Says
On The Aspirin Bottle:

"take Two Aspirins"
And "keep Away From Children"!!!

[love-to-learn]

Ghazanfar" is in a Quiz Contest trying to win the prize money US$ 1 Million. The questions are as follows:

1) How long was the 100 year war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
===> Ghazanfar says "I will skip this".

2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRAZIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
===> Ghazanfar asks for help from the University students .

3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
===> Ghazanfar asks for help from general public.

4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
===> Ghazanfar asks for lucky cards.

5) The Canary islands , in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
===> Ghazanfar gives up.

SCROLL DOWN.......


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If you think you are indeed clever and laughed at
Ghazanfar, then please check the answers below:

1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from
1337-1453.

2) The Panama hat is made in Equador.

3) The October revolution is celebrated in
November.

4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936
he changed his name.

5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
which means islands of the puppies.


Don't ever laugh at Ghazanfar again !!!l

[love-to-learn]

Driving ......

One hand on wheel, one hand out of window :
Chicago.

One hand on wheel, one hand on horn :
New York.

One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston.

Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror :
Ohio, but driving in California.

Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat:
Italy.

And finally:

One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one ear
listening to loud music, foot on accelerator, eyes on female
pedestrians,conversation with someone in next car :
Welcome to Tehran!!!

[love-to-learn]

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss Merry SHERRY to increase his salary!!!


$$Dear Bo

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $oh



The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:


Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

Manager

[white_lie]

Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[white_lie]

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.



It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!




Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.



Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!


SO, NEVER GET MARRIED!

[love-to-learn]

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost
you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"

[amintnt]

The name of your wife
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."