ENGLISH JOKES

[ALt3rnA]

I noticed that the CGI scripts on my web site had spontaneously ceased working, so I contacted the tech support for the ISP that was hosting the site. It's important to note that, since I had set up the site, I had moved to a different city and, hence, only used telnet to connect to them. The tech needed to ask a few preliminary questions.

• Tech Support: "What number are you dialing in to?"
• Me: "I'm not dialing in. I'm using telnet."
• Tech Support: "Yes, but what number are you calling?"
• Me: "You don't understand, I'm not dialing in to your modem pool. I'm telneting to you."
• Tech Support: "Please tell me what number you are dialing."
• Me: "Fine. (number)"
• Tech Support: "That's not one of our numbers!"
• Me: "Of course it's not. I'm using A TELNET UTILITY to reach you over the Internet."
• Tech Support: "But how are you connecting to the Internet?"
• Me: "Though a different ISP!"
• Tech Support: "Then we can't help you!"
• Me: "Listen, I am connecting to you via telnet. It's a utility that allows me to connect to your UNIX shell from a remote location WITHOUT USING A PHONE LINE."
• Tech Support: (incredulous) "So, you're using a cable modem or something?"
• Me: (figuring it was just easier to say yes) "Yes."
• Tech Support: "Um, we don't support UNIX."
• Me: "I'm not using UNIX. You are."
• Tech Support: "I'm using Windows."
• Me: "No, your SERVERS are UNIX based."
• Tech Support: "I don't think I can help you."

I had to agree.

[ALt3rnA]

Many years ago I was having problems with my miniframe lab computer. I called tech support, and after some time of discussing the problem, the guy told me to format the disk into two 795 megabyte partitions. When I told them that the disk was only a 300 megabyte disk, he replied, "I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate."

[ALt3rnA]

Once I called my local phone company to see if they were offering ADSL in my area.

• Me: "I am calling to see if ADSL is available in my area."
• Customer Service: "56k? Yeah, we offer 56k."
• Me: "No, no. ADSL."
• Customer Service: "Oh, no, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago."
• Me: "No, I'm talking about ADSL."
• Customer Service: "What city do you live in?"
• Me: "Dalton."
• Customer Service: "No, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago."

[ALt3rnA]

I know just enough to get myself in big trouble. Long story, but I managed to trash the BIOS and remembered that jumping two pins on the BIOS would reset the BIOS to a preset level.

• Tech Support: "What operating system do you have installed?"
• Me: "Windows 98."
• Tech Support: "You didn't buy that from us, you have to reinstall Windows 3.1 before I can help you."
• Me: "I would be more than happy to, but the BIOS has to be reset first."
• Tech Support: "Maybe I didn't make myself clear. You have to reinstall Windows 3.1 first."
• Me: "May I talk to your supervisor, please?"
• Tech Support: (very loudly) "You understand this telephone line is recorded, right!?"
• Me: "Doesn't bother me. May I please speak to your supervisor?"
• Tech Support: "I don't have to put up with your foul language." (click)

[ALt3rnA]

The following is a three-way conversation between customer support for a company that sells computers, a customer of said company, and a technician that was called in to repair the hard drive of a machine from said company. There's one brain among the three of them, and it's not hard to figure out which one has it.

• Customer Support: "Customer support center this is Allen."
• Technician: "Ya, this is the 'CE' from (company). I was called in to fix yer hard drive. I put one in but now it's asking for a reference disk."
• Customer Support: "All our systems are shipped with reference disks. They should be in a box called 'reference disks' there next to the computer."
• Technician: "Oh, here they are, do I put it in now?"
• Customer Support: "Yes, and reboot the computer. It will come up to a configuration screen and all you have to do is follow the prompts. Are you sure you're a service guy?"
• Technician: "Look, I've been working on PC's for over 10 years now; I know enough to reboot. Geeez! Oh, wait, it says, 'There were no configuration files found for devices in slots 1, 2, 4...please remove your reference disk and insert disk containing the correct configuration.' What do I do now?
• Customer Support: "Look in the box. There should be the original disks that came with the network card, the scsi controller, and the modem. You'll have to put them in one at a time as it asks to update your reference disk. What kind of network card is in the machine?"
• Technician: "It's a microchannel card."
• Customer Support: "Not what brand. What type? Token ring? Ethernet?"
• Technician: "How do I tell? Oh wait, the customer wants to talk to you."
• Customer: [yell, yell, curse, curse] "What do we pay you for??"
• Customer Support: "Calm down."
• Customer: "We have a box here that says use these disks to reconfigure the computer. Maybe he should be using these instead."

Hours go by.

• Customer Support: "There, now reboot the computer, and it should all be finally working fine."
• Technician: "Hmmmm. It says invalid or missing command interpreter."
• Customer Support: "Were there any error messages when you formatted the new drive?"
• Technician: "Formatted the new drive? I just put it in outta the box."
• Customer Support: [taking a big gulp of cold coffee] "That's ok, we can do that now. Put in a boot disk, and we'll format the drive and then restore the system from tape."

Dead silence.

• Technician: "I don't think we have a backup tape."

[ALt3rnA]

I overheard a conversation between the assistant manager of a PC repair place and a customer.

• Manager: "Ok, you've got a new video card in there. The bad news is that your old card was an AGP, and the new one is PCI and eight megabytes. That means that it'll steal eight megabytes of your system memory."
• Customer: "Oh, my..."
• Me: "Ahh...pardon me? No it won't. That figure of eight megabytes refers to the amount of video memory on the video board itself. It has nothing to do with system memory, and it won't steal anything from it."
• Customer: "Oh, thank you! That's what I was looking for, a little expertise."
• Manager: "Are you sure? Even with PCI?"

[ALt3rnA]

I originally bought a certain brand of computer that supposedly came with a video card that had 2 megs of memory. After a while, noting that the screen graphics were moving very slowly, I went into the Windows 95 Control Panel to take a look.
Video memory: 1 meg.
So I checked with a diagnostic program.
Video memory: 1 meg.
I called the tech support people about this.

• Tech Support: "Oh, the Control Panel just tells you how much video memory you are using right now, you really do have 2 megs in there."

Pardon me, but if my Windows 95 desktop takes up 1 meg of video memory just sitting there, we have a problem.

• Tech Support: "Well, you need to go out and buy [a brand name diagnostic problem] and check the video memory, because that is the only one I know how to use. Don't worry, it'll tell you you have 2 megs of video memory."

Um, I need to buy a $50 piece of software so that I can tell you something I already know?

• Tech Support: "Well, this particular motherboard/chip/etc is registered with the FCC, and I have the specs right here! It has 2 megs of video memory!"
• Customer: "Maybe the specs say so, but my computer doesn't."
• Tech Support: "Well, you can just ask the FCC if you need to! Your computer is [a certain type], and that type has 2 megs of video memory -- so your computer does too."
• Customer: "It is still under warranty. Can I have someone take a look at it and check to see if something is wrong? It only has 1 meg of video memory."
• Tech Support: "No, it has 2!"

He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between a written set of specifications and a material object -- namely, my computer.

• Tech Support: "Here, I'll have my supervisor come and read you the specifications for your computer!"
• Customer: "Um, I have the specs right here. And yes, this computer should have 2 megs of video memory. But it doesn't, and that is why I'm on the phone with you!"

I finally managed to get the guy to give me the number of the local computer tech so I could take it in. The computer tech looked at it, said, "Hmm. It only has a 1 meg video card in it," traded it out, and I got my computer back.
The scariest thing about that call was what I left out. There were about four other things wrong with the computer at the same time -- and each garnered about the same level of response.

[ALt3rnA]

I originally bought a certain brand of computer that supposedly came with a video card that had 2 megs of memory. After a while, noting that the screen graphics were moving very slowly, I went into the Windows 95 Control Panel to take a look.
Video memory: 1 meg.
So I checked with a diagnostic program.
Video memory: 1 meg.
I called the tech support people about this.

• Tech Support: "Oh, the Control Panel just tells you how much video memory you are using right now, you really do have 2 megs in there."

Pardon me, but if my Windows 95 desktop takes up 1 meg of video memory just sitting there, we have a problem.

• Tech Support: "Well, you need to go out and buy [a brand name diagnostic problem] and check the video memory, because that is the only one I know how to use. Don't worry, it'll tell you you have 2 megs of video memory."

Um, I need to buy a $50 piece of software so that I can tell you something I already know?

• Tech Support: "Well, this particular motherboard/chip/etc is registered with the FCC, and I have the specs right here! It has 2 megs of video memory!"
• Customer: "Maybe the specs say so, but my computer doesn't."
• Tech Support: "Well, you can just ask the FCC if you need to! Your computer is [a certain type], and that type has 2 megs of video memory -- so your computer does too."
• Customer: "It is still under warranty. Can I have someone take a look at it and check to see if something is wrong? It only has 1 meg of video memory."
• Tech Support: "No, it has 2!"

He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between a written set of specifications and a material object -- namely, my computer.

• Tech Support: "Here, I'll have my supervisor come and read you the specifications for your computer!"
• Customer: "Um, I have the specs right here. And yes, this computer should have 2 megs of video memory. But it doesn't, and that is why I'm on the phone with you!"

I finally managed to get the guy to give me the number of the local computer tech so I could take it in. The computer tech looked at it, said, "Hmm. It only has a 1 meg video card in it," traded it out, and I got my computer back.
The scariest thing about that call was what I left out. There were about four other things wrong with the computer at the same time -- and each garnered about the same level of response.

[ALt3rnA]

I got disconnected from my ISP and was unable to log back onto it -- my modem would connect and everything, but Dial-Up Networking couldn't get past verifying username and password. Nothing had changed in my setup, so I called my ISP's tech support.

• Me: "I'm calling to report an outage with my dialup number."
• Tech Support: "Ok, let's check your Dial-Up Networking settings."

He didn't bother to check whether I was using Windows or MacOS.

• Tech Support: "Are there any dashes in the phone number?"
• Me: "No, but that wouldn't affect how my modem dials."
• Tech Support: "Try removing the dashes anyway."
• Me: "Ok. I should mention that I have no problem calling the number and connecting to a modem -- I connect at a full 49,333 each time. I just can't get past the verifying the username and password step. Is it possible that network maintenance is being done right now?"
• Tech Support: "What state are you calling in, sir?"
• Me: "California."
• Tech Support: "One second, let me check. . . . No, don't see anything at all in California. You double checked your username and password, right?"
• Me: "Yep. Nothing has changed in my setup. This was working just ten minutes ago."
• Tech Support: "Have you tried any other dialup numbers?"
• Me: "Yes. I tried the one in [city], which is a toll call for me. That one doesn't work either."
• Tech Support: "Ok. Try adding three commas after your dialup number."

Adding a comma in a modem dial string causes the modem to pause in its dialing for three seconds. This guy wanted me to add nine seconds of pause after the number had been dialed.

• Me: "Um...what good would that do?"
• Tech Support: "I dunno. I just notice that it always seems to help when I get busy signals."
• Me: "But I'm not getting a busy signal! Like I said, I can connect just fine, physically. I just can't get logged on."
• Tech Support: "Try the commas. I'm sure they'll help. Give it about fifteen minutes or so, and if you're still not able to connect, call us back."
• Me: "Sir, I'm an experienced computer tech. I know that adding commas to my dialup number isn't going to change whether or not the authentication servers and routers are working. If anything, it's going to cause the modem on the other end to hang up before mine tries to connect to it."
• Tech Support: "Ok, what's the dialup number you're calling, sir?"
• Me: "[number]"
• Tech Support: "Ok, lemme put you on hold for just a moment." (elevator music pause) "Sir, I just tried that dialup number, and it sounds all weird. Didn't sound like a modem."
• Me: "Huh. Sounds just fine on my end when I connect to it."
• Tech Support: "Well, I just called it, and it was giving off all sorts of weird tones and stuff. I can write this up as an incident report for you if you want."
• Me: "How'd you try to connect to it?"
• Tech Support: "I just called it."
• Me: "What kind of modem?"
• Tech Support: "No, I just called it."
• Me: "Did it sound kinda like a fax?"
• Tech Support: "Sort of."
• Me: "Then there's nothing wrong with the dialup number itself. That's a V90 train sequence starting up there. Those little tones you're hearing are the modem trying to determine if you're a compatible V90 modem on the other end."
• Tech Support: "Oh."
• Me: "Look, I know exactly what's wrong, and what needs to be done to fix it. What's happening is that your routers in my area are down. Your technicians need to be made aware of it. If you could just let them know about it, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it real soon, if they haven't already."
• Tech Support: "Well, why don't you give it about 15 to 20 minutes, and if it's not working by then, give us a call back and we'll see what we can do for you."
• Me: "All right. Thanks for your time."
• Tech Support: "Have a good evening, sir." (click)

About fifteen minutes later, I was about ready to call them back, but then I actually managed to log on again. Unbelievable.

[ALt3rnA]

My new ISP was exhibiting extremely slow service. When my wife called to ask if they were having a problem, they told her no, everything was fine and maybe she should defragement the hard drive.