Reza1969
13-04-2006, 13:00
Post your funny jokes here. Please avoid vulgar jokes.
مشاهده نسخه کامل
: ENGLISH JOKES
صفحه ها :
[1]
2
Reza1969
13-04-2006, 14:21
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"
patal
14-04-2006, 10:05
A little boy wanted $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50.When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to forward it to the President of the United States as a joke. The President was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $20 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $20 bill, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read: "Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the White House in Washington, DC ...and those a**holes deducted $30.00 in taxes."
safety
15-04-2006, 08:52
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon somewhere.
One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."
One of the three men says, "I have an idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices far enough for someone to hear us."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, the men in the balloon hear an echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must be a Microsoft service tech!"
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The man replies: "For three reasons:
(1) he took a long time to answer,
(2) he was absolutely correct, and
(3) his answer was absolutely useless."
safety
15-04-2006, 09:38
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!
SARAH: "HIJKLMNO"!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said its H to O!
MR Bean
16-04-2006, 01:05
Do you know why nioton surprised when an apple dropped on his head
Beacause he was under an orange tree
Beacause he was under an orange tree
FATIMA
16-04-2006, 09:15
John :" Hi, Bill. How are you? I have a question: I don't have a phone line, so why you don't call me????"
safety
17-04-2006, 10:51
This guy calls an Airline and asks "How long does it take to get from Boston to New York? "The rep says, “One min. please, ” and the guy says, “ Ok Thank you for your help”
Kolubive
17-04-2006, 16:36
An Iranian walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over
the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Iranian for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Iranian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Iranian replies. "Where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?".
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of
security for the loan, so the Iranian hands over
the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept
the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's
president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Iranian for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Iranian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Iranian replies. "Where else in New York City
can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?".
nimo
19-04-2006, 08:39
what's better than a drunk woman?
NOTHING
NOTHING
nimo
19-04-2006, 08:39
can i say 1 racist joke?
Reza1969
23-04-2006, 01:34
can i say 1 racist joke?
You're allowed to tell ethnic jokes on the people of other countries.
You're allowed to tell ethnic jokes on the people of other countries.
farshid57
23-05-2006, 23:44
:sima :biggrin: :: :biggrin: :laughing: a person from iran went to abroad to engelestan he made a friend there. they went to street and english person fight with other english person. the irany person said to him : my friend dont afraid i have your weather.[QUOTE]
Alireza_Shafaei_PCworld
27-06-2006, 00:17
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 .
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition,
Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony - Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 .
I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition,
Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 .
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to allow this.
Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony - Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT , under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Alireza_Shafaei_PCworld
09-07-2006, 14:53
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"< BR>Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Ba nk."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"< BR>Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Ba nk."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive
Alireza_Shafaei_PCworld
15-07-2006, 07:11
Dear Dad letter...
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling
hands.
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've
been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you
would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight
Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not
only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the
commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She
sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren. Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home.
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was
nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped
up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst
premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling
hands.
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with
my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've
been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you
would not approve of her, because of all her piercing, tattoos, her tight
Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not
only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very
happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the
whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has
opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll
be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the
commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll
pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She
sure deserves it!! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of
myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren. Love, your son, John.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school
report that's on my desk. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come
home.
love-to-learn
23-07-2006, 11:42
COOL I couldn't predict the PS at the end
shoeib
27-07-2006, 05:25
so nice
good to it's writer for his/her impression
good to it's writer for his/her impression
r_azary
28-07-2006, 14:14
Lle_english
If you really want to learn a language then it's important to be able to understand the jokes told in that language. This is especially useful in English because jokes form an important part of the English language.
Here you'll find a wide variety of jokes - read them and see if you understand them. If you like one, then try to learn it, and finally practise telling it to other people. Then come back for more!
There are 23 jokes at the moment.
Two Balloons (present tense version)
Two balloons are floating across the desert.
One balloon says to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"
Two Balloons (past tense version)
Two balloons were floating across the desert.
One balloon said to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"
================================================== =
I don't understand the next joke
What's 3 x 2?
A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he
had failed the maths test.
His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"
The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said
'3 x 2 is 6'."
"Well, that's right" said his father.
The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"
"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.
The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's
why I failed the maths test.
================================================== ===
2 x 11
Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven?
Because two times ten is twenty, and two times eleven is twenty, too!
================================================== =====
Long grass
One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his ,
limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass
by the side of the road.
He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the men.
"Sir, we don't have any money for food," one of the men replied.
"Come along with me," instructed the lawyer.
The first man said, "But sir, I have a wife and two children. They
are also hungry."
"Bring them along too," replied the lawyer.
The second man said, "Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they
come as well, please?"
"No problem, bring them as well," answered the lawyer as he climbed
back into his limo.
Finally, they were all in the limo - the lawyer, the two men, their
two wives and eight children.
One of the men said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home.
The grass is almost half a metre tall."
============================================
Worms
It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The
professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class.
He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm
wriggled about in the water.
Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol.
The worm immediately died.
The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of
the demonstration was.
A boy raised his hand and said, "You're showing us that if we drink
alcohol, we won't have worms."
The topic was merged
If you really want to learn a language then it's important to be able to understand the jokes told in that language. This is especially useful in English because jokes form an important part of the English language.
Here you'll find a wide variety of jokes - read them and see if you understand them. If you like one, then try to learn it, and finally practise telling it to other people. Then come back for more!
There are 23 jokes at the moment.
Two Balloons (present tense version)
Two balloons are floating across the desert.
One balloon says to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"
Two Balloons (past tense version)
Two balloons were floating across the desert.
One balloon said to the other:
"Look out for the cactussssssssssss!"
================================================== =
I don't understand the next joke
What's 3 x 2?
A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he
had failed the maths test.
His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"
The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said
'3 x 2 is 6'."
"Well, that's right" said his father.
The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"
"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.
The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's
why I failed the maths test.
================================================== ===
2 x 11
Why is two times ten the same as two times eleven?
Because two times ten is twenty, and two times eleven is twenty, too!
================================================== =====
Long grass
One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his ,
limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass
by the side of the road.
He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the men.
"Sir, we don't have any money for food," one of the men replied.
"Come along with me," instructed the lawyer.
The first man said, "But sir, I have a wife and two children. They
are also hungry."
"Bring them along too," replied the lawyer.
The second man said, "Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they
come as well, please?"
"No problem, bring them as well," answered the lawyer as he climbed
back into his limo.
Finally, they were all in the limo - the lawyer, the two men, their
two wives and eight children.
One of the men said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home.
The grass is almost half a metre tall."
============================================
Worms
It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The
professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class.
He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm
wriggled about in the water.
Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol.
The worm immediately died.
The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of
the demonstration was.
A boy raised his hand and said, "You're showing us that if we drink
alcohol, we won't have worms."
The topic was merged
r_azary
28-07-2006, 14:18
Penguin
A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Sch?unn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.
He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Sch?unn. What should I do with it?"
The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Sch?unn Zoo.
The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.
The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"
The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."
================================================== =
God and the man
A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a
few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,
so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,
how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me
five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"
A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Sch?unn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.
He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Sch?unn. What should I do with it?"
The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Sch?unn Zoo.
The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.
The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"
The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."
================================================== =
God and the man
A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a
few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,
so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,
how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me
five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"
r_azary
28-07-2006, 14:24
I don't care to say I don't understand this joke. Can anybody explain it to me.
Bracelet A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and
decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it.
Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will
hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit.
The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet
for her for up to four weeks.
Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?"
The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet
as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"
==================================================
Carpet
An old lady had bought a new carpet and the carpet fitter was fitting
it for her. Once he had fitted it he went outside to have a cigarette,
but he couldn't find his packet of cigarettes.
He looked in all his pockets and in his van, but he just couldn't find
them. So, he went back into the room where he had fitted the carpet to
see if he had dropped the packet in there.
As he entered the room he noticed a small lump under the carpet in the
middle of the room.
He decided to flatten the lump rather than undo all his work, so he took
a hammer and banged the lump until it was flat.
As he was putting his tools away the old lady walked into the room. She
was holding a packet of cigarettes. She said, "I found these in the
hallway. You must have dropped them."
"Now, I just need to find my budgie."
================================================== =
Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it
hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"
==================================================
Good news, bad news
The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had
showers or been able to change their clothes.
Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some
good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."
The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're
going to change our underwear."
All the men cheered.
Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.
Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "
Bracelet A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in the window of a jewellery shop and
decides that she wants it, but she doesn't have enough money to buy it.
Then she has an idea. She goes into the shop and asks if they will
hold/save the bracelet for her if she pays a small deposit.
The jeweller says that for a deposit of $50 he will hold the bracelet
for her for up to four weeks.
Then he asks her, "When will you come to collect and pay for the bracelet?"
The woman replies, "My husband will come in and pay for the bracelet
as soon as he does something unforgivable. Probably this weekend!"
==================================================
Carpet
An old lady had bought a new carpet and the carpet fitter was fitting
it for her. Once he had fitted it he went outside to have a cigarette,
but he couldn't find his packet of cigarettes.
He looked in all his pockets and in his van, but he just couldn't find
them. So, he went back into the room where he had fitted the carpet to
see if he had dropped the packet in there.
As he entered the room he noticed a small lump under the carpet in the
middle of the room.
He decided to flatten the lump rather than undo all his work, so he took
a hammer and banged the lump until it was flat.
As he was putting his tools away the old lady walked into the room. She
was holding a packet of cigarettes. She said, "I found these in the
hallway. You must have dropped them."
"Now, I just need to find my budgie."
================================================== =
Doctor
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."
The doctor asked the man to explain more.
The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it
hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."
The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"
==================================================
Good news, bad news
The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had
showers or been able to change their clothes.
Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some
good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"
All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."
The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're
going to change our underwear."
All the men cheered.
Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.
Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "
r_azary
28-07-2006, 14:27
very good for students of English
In the classroom
A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning
with 'I', please."
Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."
The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a
sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."
Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."
The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."
Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
==================================================
River
A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river
is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank.
He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other
side of the river already."
==================================================
Fortune teller
Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to
see what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.
The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that
she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you
predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them
has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her,
so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days
before you do, your majesty."
In the classroom
A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning
with 'I', please."
Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."
The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a
sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."
Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."
The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."
Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
==================================================
River
A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river
is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank.
He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other
side of the river already."
==================================================
Fortune teller
Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to
see what she could predict about the future.
The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.
The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.
Later that year one of the king's wives died.
He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that
she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.
He ordered that she be brought before him.
When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you
predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them
has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"
The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her,
so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days
before you do, your majesty."
r_azary
28-07-2006, 14:33
COME ON
lle:LETS LEARN ENGLISH
lle:LETS LEARN ENGLISH
r_azary
28-07-2006, 20:47
Supermarket
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."
The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."
The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."
r_azary
28-07-2006, 20:48
Turkey
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out
again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."
A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.
The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out
again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.
"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."
r_azary
28-07-2006, 20:50
Doctor and lawyer
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked
they were constantly interupted by people describing their health
problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.
After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I
send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for
advice outside the office again."
The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.
The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman
pushed a letter through his letterbox.
The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked
they were constantly interupted by people describing their health
problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.
After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I
send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for
advice outside the office again."
The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.
The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman
pushed a letter through his letterbox.
The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.
r_azary
28-07-2006, 20:53
I don't understand this joke
U can help me??
Best worker
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."
U can help me??
Best worker
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."
r_azary
28-07-2006, 20:54
Magic
While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."
While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."
r_azary
28-07-2006, 20:58
Europe English The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be ekspekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful, and they should go away.
By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru! And zen world!
r_azary
28-07-2006, 21:20
A lecture about English A linguistics professor was lecturing to his English class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."
r_azary
28-07-2006, 21:50
Genie joke
A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil
lamp.
I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible
ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"
The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second
wish?"
The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new
Rolls-Royce, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage
at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
What is your third wish?"
The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one
of my kidneys, please!"
A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.
The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil
lamp.
I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible
ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"
The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second
wish?"
The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new
Rolls-Royce, please!"
The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage
at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
What is your third wish?"
The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one
of my kidneys, please!"
r_azary
29-07-2006, 03:56
This is a joke that is supposed to bring you luck.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After much discussion, (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again, until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the previous day that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
The origin of this Canadian story is unknown, but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.
Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.
Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After much discussion, (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000". The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over
again and again, until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the previous day that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president. "Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure."
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"
The origin of this Canadian story is unknown, but it brings luck to everyone to whom it is sent. Whoever breaks the chain would definitely be unlucky.
Do not keep this letter. And do not send money. Just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck. Something good will happen to you in the next four days. If the chain is not broken, you will have good luck during the four days.
Even if all you do is make someone laugh, send it on!
shoeib
05-08-2006, 01:21
very informative
i personally enjoyed
i personally enjoyed
Crazy_Devil
15-09-2006, 08:47
a joke for intermediate English learners:
Air hostess:What would you like to eat?
Passenger:I'd like after "T""
Air hostess:What would you like to eat?
Passenger:I'd like after "T""
magmagf
28-10-2006, 09:45
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
____________ _________ _________ _______
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/ Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3 , Football 5.0 , Hunting and Fishing 7.5 , and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 , but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0 . Please help!
Thanks,
Troubled User.....
____________ _________ _________ _______
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING !!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/ Child Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0 , Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2 .
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Reza1969
14-12-2006, 17:52
A new professor's diary
Jan 3rd, 1995
I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!
Jan 4th, 1995
Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:
They: Do you know what you're doing?
Me: This is Belgium, right?
They: You have a masters in English?
Me: I have a Red Volvo!
They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?
Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!
I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.
Jan 5th, 1995
Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.
Jan 6th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.
Jan 7th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.
Jan 8th, 1995
I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.
Jan 9th, 1995
Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sebattical.
Jan 12th, 1995
My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my Holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received
Jan 13th, 1995
A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.
Jan 14th, 1995
Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content.
Jan 16th, 1995
Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.
Jul 17th, 1995
Back from sebattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.
Jul 18th, 1995
Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses.
Jul 21st, 1995
My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly weeping.
Jul 24th, 1995
I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical, which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy.
Oct 24th, 1995
Exam day.
Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams.
Oct 27th, 1995
I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sebbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.
Jan 3rd, 1995
I have long heard of the lives of the privileged classes, and now I have prepared myself to experience life as a member. Tomorrow, I will don the the uniform of the academic and re-enter society, NOT as I once was, a worker and pawn of the educated classes, but as a peer of those very people. Tomorrow, I shall become an academic!
Jan 4th, 1995
Dressed in a pair of green slacks with shortened legs, red cardigan and egg-yolk-stained tee-shirt; sporting a scraggly beard and armed only with a pipe, I stepped onto the University Campus. Immediately upon mumbling some incomprehensible gibberish, I was greeted on with respect and awe by my fellow academia. Applying for tenure was simple. The questions were very direct:
They: Do you know what you're doing?
Me: This is Belgium, right?
They: You have a masters in English?
Me: I have a Red Volvo!
They: And you're applying for a position in the department of Physics?
Me: I think sometimes, therefore I am illogical!
I was appointed immediately and released to an unsuspecting student population.
Jan 5th, 1995
Today was my first as a lecturer. I prepared concientiously by drinking heavily, watching lots of television and going to bed very late the preceding night turning up at my lecture the prescribed 1 minute late, I spoke of Yeats and the passion of his poetry. The first year Physics students were left speechless.
Jan 6th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was Saturday.
Jan 7th, 1995
I did not go to work today, due to my thinking it was a Wednesday.
Jan 8th, 1995
I went to work today and was distressed at the lack of attendance.
Jan 9th, 1995
Being conscientious in the maintenance of my diary, I take a well deserved holiday knowing that in three more days I will be eligible for a six month sebattical.
Jan 12th, 1995
My lecture this morning was a landmark effort. I launched into the explanation of the right-hand-rule, then, remembering that I was an academic, subverted myself into discussing of the right-hand-rule of hitch-hiking, the dangers of hitchhiking, the dangers of hitching in South America, my Holiday in South America, the woman I met in South America, the place she worked at, their physics department, then to finish off, what their physics department said about the right-hand-rule. I think I was well received
Jan 13th, 1995
A minor peice of confusion here in that I brought my Telephone book instead of my lecture notes. I improvised the basic electrical safety section of the course with the aid of two paper clips, a student and a handy power point. I feel sure the class now appreciates the dangers of electricity. Attendance dropped by one.
Jan 14th, 1995
Being a Friday, I decide to excite my first year pupils with an experiment in wave theory. I walked into the lab, waved, and left. I'm sure my students appreciated the humourous content.
Jan 16th, 1995
Having now mastered when weekends occur, I turned up to receive confirmation of my sebattical, taking it, on full pay, immediately.
Jul 17th, 1995
Back from sebattical I realise that I did not make arrangements for a stand-in lecturer. In an attempt to catch up for the lost time, I set the students some homework, pages 1-375, read and do all exercises.
Jul 18th, 1995
Attendance was exceptionally low today with only one student in class. When I asked him how his homework was going as his entire coursework depended on it. He screamed and left. I marked him absent and informed the grants department that no-one was attending my courses.
Jul 21st, 1995
My students are all back having received the letter informing them that grants are only paid to attending students. Scholarship students, with a far harsher attendance policy, are openly weeping.
Jul 24th, 1995
I am now eligible for three months extra-curricular sebattical, which I decide to take immediately, warning my students that the exam will be held the day I return, covering all aspects of the course, including the last minute addition of the Encyclopedia Brittanica to the Book List. I expect all students to have a copy.
Oct 24th, 1995
Exam day.
Having no preparation time, I use last years exam and substitute different values for the equation. I randomly appoint a student from another class to work out the answers and mark the exams.
Oct 27th, 1995
I receive the results of the exam which indicate that 89% of the class passed the exam. Lauded as an academic genius, I am awarded 6 months further paid sebbatical to study the effects of alcohol on the mind. Starting the third day of term next year. I think I'm on a winner here.
amintnt
15-12-2006, 23:47
I just see here! should we find the jokes on the internet or we can translate of ours?
Reza1969
16-12-2006, 08:05
I just see here! should we find the jokes on the internet or we can translate of ours?
You can translate yours too if you're sure they won't go flat
;)
You can translate yours too if you're sure they won't go flat
;)
love-to-learn
16-12-2006, 10:47
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn`t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they`re on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn`t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren`t my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn`t you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They`re my brother`s boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn`t know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn`t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
"Teacher, they`re on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn`t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren`t my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn`t you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, "They`re my brother`s boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn`t know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."
:biggrin: :biggrin: :biggrin:
love-to-learn
16-12-2006, 11:13
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."
love-to-learn
16-12-2006, 11:20
They were married, but since the argument they had a few days earlier, they hadn't been talking to each other.
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
Instead, they were giving each other written notes.
One evening he gave her a paper where it said:
"Wake me up tomorrow morning at 6 am."
The next morning he woke up and saw that it was 9 o'clock.
Naturally he got very angry, but as he turned around he found a note on his pillow saying:
"Wake up, it's 6 o'clock!"
amintnt
16-12-2006, 15:06
A Wife's Duty
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup , the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He told her, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress . If you don't do the following , your husband will surely die...Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant , and make sure he is in a good mood . For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores , as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse . And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim . If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" She replied, "You're going to die"!
amintnt
16-12-2006, 15:09
A Good Teacher
One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!
One day, a teacher was attempting to teach the names of animals to a class of 5-year-olds. She held up a picture of a deer, and asked one boy, "Billy, what is this animal?". Little Billy looked at the picture with a disheartened look on his face and responded, "I'm sorry Mrs. Smith, I don't know.". The teacher was not one to give up easily, so she then asked Billy, "Well, Billy, what does your Mommy call your Daddy?" Little Billy's face suddenly brightened up, but then a confused look came over his face, as he asked, "Mrs. Smith, is that really a pig?"!
amintnt
16-12-2006, 15:11
The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
love-to-learn
17-12-2006, 09:41
A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"
:blink: ;) :biggrin: :biggrin:
"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My dad came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy's brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy's wife.
So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother's mother. Don't forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife's grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I'm married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife's grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?"
After staring blankly with a dizzy look on his face, the psychiatrist replied: "Move over!"
:blink: ;) :biggrin: :biggrin:
love-to-learn
17-12-2006, 09:43
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
:tongue: :rolleye:
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
:tongue: :rolleye:
amintnt
17-12-2006, 14:10
Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
I'd read its persian:D
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
I'd read its persian:D
A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.'
His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?'
'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.'
'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?'
'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'
amintnt
17-12-2006, 14:15
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then asked, "Mom, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
amintnt
17-12-2006, 14:30
Hey I find this in teacherjoe.us site and i really find it interesting.
"I love work so much that I could look at it all day".
. At the beginning, it sounds like this person really enjoys DOING work, but in the end, "love work" can have a different meaning!
"I love work so much that I could look at it all day".
. At the beginning, it sounds like this person really enjoys DOING work, but in the end, "love work" can have a different meaning!
love-to-learn
18-12-2006, 10:34
A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?" "Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd ever heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
:laughing: :biggrin: :laughing: :biggrin:
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
:laughing: :biggrin: :laughing: :biggrin:
love-to-learn
18-12-2006, 10:41
There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
love-to-learn
18-12-2006, 11:08
This letter was written by an employee of the NIOC (National Iranian
Oil Company) back in the 1960`s to his American boss Mr.Hamilton.
Dear Mr.Hamilton
I, the undersigned, have worked in the NIOC in Masjed-Solyeman for three years, But since Mr.Ahmadi transferred here everything has changed.
I don't know "what a wet wood I have sold him" that from the very first day he has been "pulling the belt to my lift" With all kinds of "cat dancing" he has tried to become the "eye and the light" of Mr.Wilson. He made so much "mouse running" that finally Mr.Wilson "became donkey", and appointed Mr.Ahmadi as his right hand man, and told me to work "under his hand"
Mr.Wilson promised me that next year he would make me his right hand man, but "my eye didn't not drink water", and I knew that all these were "hat play", and he was trying to put a "hat on my head" I "put the seal of silence to my lips" and did not say anything. Since that he was just "putting watermelon under my arms" Knowing that this transfer was only "good for his aunt", I started begging him to forget that I ever came to see him and forget my visit altogether. I said "you saw camel, you did not see camel"....but he was not "getting off the devils donkey"..."what headache shall I give you" I am now forced to work in the mail house with bunch of "blind, bald, height and half height" people. "Imagine how much my ass burns"
Now Mr.Hamilton, "I turn around your head" you are my only hope and my "back and shelter"...."I swear you to the 14 innocents" please "do some work for me"...."in the resurrection day I`ll grasp your skirt"...."I have six head bread eaters".....I kiss our hand and legs"
Your servant
Oil Company) back in the 1960`s to his American boss Mr.Hamilton.
Dear Mr.Hamilton
I, the undersigned, have worked in the NIOC in Masjed-Solyeman for three years, But since Mr.Ahmadi transferred here everything has changed.
I don't know "what a wet wood I have sold him" that from the very first day he has been "pulling the belt to my lift" With all kinds of "cat dancing" he has tried to become the "eye and the light" of Mr.Wilson. He made so much "mouse running" that finally Mr.Wilson "became donkey", and appointed Mr.Ahmadi as his right hand man, and told me to work "under his hand"
Mr.Wilson promised me that next year he would make me his right hand man, but "my eye didn't not drink water", and I knew that all these were "hat play", and he was trying to put a "hat on my head" I "put the seal of silence to my lips" and did not say anything. Since that he was just "putting watermelon under my arms" Knowing that this transfer was only "good for his aunt", I started begging him to forget that I ever came to see him and forget my visit altogether. I said "you saw camel, you did not see camel"....but he was not "getting off the devils donkey"..."what headache shall I give you" I am now forced to work in the mail house with bunch of "blind, bald, height and half height" people. "Imagine how much my ass burns"
Now Mr.Hamilton, "I turn around your head" you are my only hope and my "back and shelter"...."I swear you to the 14 innocents" please "do some work for me"...."in the resurrection day I`ll grasp your skirt"...."I have six head bread eaters".....I kiss our hand and legs"
Your servant
love-to-learn
18-12-2006, 11:13
If You Have A Lot Of Tension
And You Get A Headache,
Do What It Says
On The Aspirin Bottle:
"take Two Aspirins"
And "keep Away From Children"!!!
And You Get A Headache,
Do What It Says
On The Aspirin Bottle:
"take Two Aspirins"
And "keep Away From Children"!!!
love-to-learn
20-12-2006, 11:01
Ghazanfar" is in a Quiz Contest trying to win the prize money US$ 1 Million. The questions are as follows:
1) How long was the 100 year war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
===> Ghazanfar says "I will skip this".
2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRAZIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
===> Ghazanfar asks for help from the University students .
3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
===> Ghazanfar asks for help from general public.
4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
===> Ghazanfar asks for lucky cards.
5) The Canary islands , in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
===> Ghazanfar gives up.
SCROLL DOWN.......
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.
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.
.
.
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.
If you think you are indeed clever and laughed at
Ghazanfar, then please check the answers below:
1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from
1337-1453.
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador.
3) The October revolution is celebrated in
November.
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936
he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
which means islands of the puppies.
Don't ever laugh at Ghazanfar again !!!l ;)
1) How long was the 100 year war?
A) 116
B) 99
C) 100
D) 150
===> Ghazanfar says "I will skip this".
2) In which country are the Panama hats made?
A) BRAZIL
B) CHILE
C) PANAMA
D) EQUADOR
===> Ghazanfar asks for help from the University students .
3) In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
A) JANUARY
B) SEPTEMBER
C) OCTOBER
D) NOVEMBER
===> Ghazanfar asks for help from general public.
4) Which of these was King George VI first name?
A) EDER
B) ALBERT
C) GEORGE
D) MANOEL
===> Ghazanfar asks for lucky cards.
5) The Canary islands , in the Pacific Ocean, has its name based on which animal:
A) CANARY BIRD
B) KANGAROO
C) PUPPY
D) RAT
===> Ghazanfar gives up.
SCROLL DOWN.......
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
If you think you are indeed clever and laughed at
Ghazanfar, then please check the answers below:
1) The 100 year war lasted 116 years from
1337-1453.
2) The Panama hat is made in Equador.
3) The October revolution is celebrated in
November.
4) King George's first name was Albert. In 1936
he changed his name.
5) Puppy. The Latin name is INSULARIA CANARIA
which means islands of the puppies.
Don't ever laugh at Ghazanfar again !!!l ;)
love-to-learn
20-12-2006, 11:06
Driving ......
One hand on wheel, one hand out of window :
Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn :
New York.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror :
Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat:
Italy.
And finally:
One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one ear
listening to loud music, foot on accelerator, eyes on female
pedestrians,conversation with someone in next car :
Welcome to Tehran!!!
One hand on wheel, one hand out of window :
Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one hand on horn :
New York.
One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston.
Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror :
Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
talk to someone in back seat:
Italy.
And finally:
One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one ear
listening to loud music, foot on accelerator, eyes on female
pedestrians,conversation with someone in next car :
Welcome to Tehran!!!
love-to-learn
21-12-2006, 10:51
One day an employee sends a letter to his boss Merry SHERRY to increase his salary!!!
$$Dear Bo
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
$$Dear Bo
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager
white_lie
24-12-2006, 23:06
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
white_lie
24-12-2006, 23:08
Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
SO, NEVER GET MARRIED!
It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
SO, NEVER GET MARRIED!
love-to-learn
25-12-2006, 09:54
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost
you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
pointing out some of the rules:
"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost
you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
amintnt
01-01-2007, 14:18
The name of your wife
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."
amintnt
01-01-2007, 14:38
These four guys were walking down the street, a Saudi, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker.
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"
A reporter comes running up and says, "Excuse me, what is your opinion about the meat shortage?"
The Saudi says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's meat?"
The North Korean says, "What's an opinion?"
The New Yorker, says, "Excuse me?? What's excuse me?"
love-to-learn
08-01-2007, 10:46
This guy walks into a bar and sees this older couple who looks very
happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know.
The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?"
The older couple says "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!!!"
" 3years!!!" the bartender said "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle."
"Oh yes it does" said the couple " It said so right on the box 2 to 3 years.
happy. He asks the bartender why they are so happy, and he says he doesn't know.
The bartender asked the couple if they want anything to drink and they said yes. Then the bartender asks, "Why are you guys so happy?"
The older couple says "We just finished a puzzle. It took us 3 years!!!"
" 3years!!!" the bartender said "It doesn't take that long to do a puzzle."
"Oh yes it does" said the couple " It said so right on the box 2 to 3 years.
love-to-learn
08-01-2007, 10:50
A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely
examining something held in his fingers.
The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious
enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it
between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.
"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like
rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
examining something held in his fingers.
The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious
enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."
"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it
between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.
"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like
rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"
"From my nose," the drunk replied.
08-01-2007, 11:10
A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied, "they're up in bed."
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
The little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "where's Mom and Dad?" and she replied "they're still up in bed."
Again the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "they're still up in bed."
The little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked, "what gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! what is going on here?" The little boy replied, "well last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue."
:laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: :laughing:
08-01-2007, 11:14
ChaGiaDe suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous detective, Mr. GiaMacDzich, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he received this report as follow :
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, no see more.
NO FEE !!!
A few days later, he received this report as follow :
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, no see more.
NO FEE !!!
08-01-2007, 16:27
BELIEVE it or not,
These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired
of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is..........
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath.
Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
08-01-2007, 16:30
Lee Sum Wan: Hello can i speak to Annie Wan
Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori: I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori: I'm Sori !!
Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori ! I'm Sori !! I'm SORI !!! you didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan: I told u before i'm Sum Wan ! Sum Wan !!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori: Oh im so scared (sarcastically) . Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesnt work there.
Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws
everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan(don't have any idea on how to alternatively spell the name)is my sis!
Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody because i havent screw her yet."how bout that!?
Mr Sori: Yes u could speak to me.
Lee Sum Wan: No, i want to speak to Annie Wan!
Mr Sori: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Lee Sum Wan: I'm Sum Wan. And i need to talk to Annie Wan! Its urgent.
Mr Sori: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Lee Sum Wan: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother, Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now Avery Wan is going to the hospital.
Mr Sori: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital from the accident that isnt an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but i dont have time for this!!!
Lee Sum Wan: You are rude. Who are you?
Mr Sori: I'm Sori.
Lee Sum Wan: You should be sorry. Now give me your name!
Mr Sori: I'm Sori !!
Lee Sum Wan: I dont like your tone of voice Mr and i dont care, give me your name!
Mr Sori: Look lady, I told you already I'm Sori ! I'm Sori !! I'm SORI !!! you didnt even give me your name!
Lee Sum Wan: I told u before i'm Sum Wan ! Sum Wan !!! You better be careful my father is Sum Buddy. And my uncle holds a very big position in the company. He is Noe Buddy.
Mr Sori: Oh im so scared (sarcastically) . Look i dont care about ur uncle he's a nobody. Everybody thinks his top dog and holding an important position in the company.
Lee Sum Wan: No Avery Buddy just married my aunt. And Avery Buddy doesnt work there.
Mr Sori: Like i said i dont care which one of ur aunt screws
everybody and i also know that not everybody works here! Jeez!!!
Lee Sum Wan: Which Wan(don't have any idea on how to alternatively spell the name)is my sis!
Mr. Sori: I dont know which one is ur sis! Why in gods name u think I do!? Look i got work to do and if im feeling mischievious i'll broadcast it on the P.A system saying. "Attention, someone called and said that anyones brother just got involved in an accident. But not to worry no one got injured and no one was sent to the hospital. But everyone is going to the hospital anyways. The father maybe a somebody but if u're their uncle, u're a nobody. And its not true about her aunt screwing everybody because i havent screw her yet."how bout that!?
08-01-2007, 16:31
((((RING RING))))
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...I think I have the wrong number!!
**Pick Up**
"Hello?"
"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mummy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul"
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul "
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now"
Brief Pause
"Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to
Mummy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway"
"Okay Daddy, just a minute"
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it Daddy"
"And what happened honey?" he asked
"Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"O my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess
he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit
the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...I think I have the wrong number!!
amintnt
17-01-2007, 23:32
Hi! read this one! It's really funny:cool:.l
A guy goes to his father and introduces his new girlfriend, saying, "Dad,this is Nicole, my new girl friend, I think I'm going to marry her." His father looks at the girl, pulls her to the side and asks her, "Is your mom's name Rachel?", The girl says yes, "Is she a nurse?, yes, says the girl. The father pulls the son to the side and says to him, "Son, I don't think you should marry this girl because she may be your sister!"
The guy is disappointed, calls off his engagement and months later introduces another girl to his father. Dad, he says, "This is Heather, my new girlfriend and I think I'm going to marry her." Same thing happens, the father talks to the girl and advises his son not to pursue the relationship since there is a good chance that the girl could be his sister."
This scenario repeats itself a few more times. Finally, the guy goes to his mother, all frustrated and tells her the story. His mom says to him, "Son, go ahead and marry any of these girls that you wish. Your dad doesn't know it, but you are not his son!!!"
A guy goes to his father and introduces his new girlfriend, saying, "Dad,this is Nicole, my new girl friend, I think I'm going to marry her." His father looks at the girl, pulls her to the side and asks her, "Is your mom's name Rachel?", The girl says yes, "Is she a nurse?, yes, says the girl. The father pulls the son to the side and says to him, "Son, I don't think you should marry this girl because she may be your sister!"
The guy is disappointed, calls off his engagement and months later introduces another girl to his father. Dad, he says, "This is Heather, my new girlfriend and I think I'm going to marry her." Same thing happens, the father talks to the girl and advises his son not to pursue the relationship since there is a good chance that the girl could be his sister."
This scenario repeats itself a few more times. Finally, the guy goes to his mother, all frustrated and tells her the story. His mom says to him, "Son, go ahead and marry any of these girls that you wish. Your dad doesn't know it, but you are not his son!!!"
Asalbanoo
30-01-2007, 17:58
50 Fun Things to Do on the First Day of Class
Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
.Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
Sing your questions.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
Address the professor as "your excellency".
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
Watch the professor through binoculars.
Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
Claim that you wrote the class text book.
Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
Wink at the professor every few minutes.
In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it and saying, "Quite right, old bean!"
Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the overhead projector.
.Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
When the professor calls your name in roll, respond "that's my name, don't wear it out!"
Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would go if he died tomorrow.
Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.
Sing your questions.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.
When the professor calls roll, after each name scream "THAT'S MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez O'Reilly.
Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that you've done so.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
Stare continually at the professor's crotch. Occassionally lick your lips.
Address the professor as "your excellency".
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Present the professor with a large fruit basket.
Bring a "seeing eye rooster" to class.
Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, "Vet ozzle haffen dee henvay?" Become aggitated when the professor can't understand you.
Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard erasers.
Watch the professor through binoculars.
Start a "wave" in a large lecture hall.
Ask to introduce your "invisible friend" in the empty seat beside you, and ask for one extra copy of each handout.
When the professor turns on his laser pointer, scream "AAAGH! MY EYES!"
Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your name, even it's Smith. Claim that the i is silent.
Sit in the front row reading the professor's graduate thesis and snickering.
As soon as the first bell rings, volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professor's reply and proceed to do so anyway.
Claim that you wrote the class text book.
Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and scream "IMPOSTER!"
Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.
Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write "Signup Sheet #5" at the top, and start passing it around the room.
Stand to ask questions. Bow deeply before taking your seat after the professor answers.
Wear a cape with a big S on it. Inform classmates that the S stands for "stud".
Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, "Can you spell that?"
Disassemble your pen. "Accidently" propel pieces across the room while playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces. Repeat.
Wink at the professor every few minutes.
In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.
Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.
Wear a black hooded cloak to class and ring a bell.
Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of ancient Greek trade routes down farther because you can't see Macedonia.
Asalbanoo
30-01-2007, 18:01
50 Reasons Why You Shouldn't Buy Someone's Used Sofa
The owner says:
"That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."
"Have you had your shots?"
"If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."
"It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."
"It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."
"It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."
"You can have those Fritos."
"I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
"It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
"It should be clean, we hosed it off."
"Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
"It can even float for nearly an hour."
"You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
"It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."
"I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
"It used to be a lot longer."
"You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."
"AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
"Don't smoke near it."
"You can hardly tell where they hurled."
"The fire hardly touched this side."
"It only smells this way when it's humid."
There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".
The cushions begin crawling away.
The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.
The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.
It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.
The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
It has its own nickname.
More than a dozen people know its nickname.
More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.
Someone appears to have constucted a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a gluegun.
There are mushrooms growing on the back.
It seems to generate its own heat.
Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
It growls when you sit on it.
It has a faint smell of ammonia.
Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
There's a coin slot on the armrest. v
There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".
The owner occassionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them. v
It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
You hear scampering noises inside.
The owner offers to throw in a free:
can of Lysol
can of Raid
flyswatter
flea collar
ant trap
vial of penicillin
Under the cushions you find:
half a bottle of ketchup
empty shotgun shells
an entire squirrel skeleton
Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
a glass eye
ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
the muffler from a '72 Dodge
The owner says:
"That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."
"Have you had your shots?"
"If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."
"It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."
"It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."
"It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."
"You can have those Fritos."
"I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
"It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
"It should be clean, we hosed it off."
"Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
"It can even float for nearly an hour."
"You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
"It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."
"I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
"It used to be a lot longer."
"You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."
"AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
"Don't smoke near it."
"You can hardly tell where they hurled."
"The fire hardly touched this side."
"It only smells this way when it's humid."
There's a large red tag on it marked "Evidence".
The cushions begin crawling away.
The fabric on the back has been repaired with a "Rebel And Proud" bumper sticker.
The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to be moving.
It appears to have reached its present location by being dragged several miles on its side.
The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it himself.
A tag on the back says "Property of Blessed Hope Mission".
It has its own nickname.
More than a dozen people know its nickname.
More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in the local paper.
Someone appears to have constucted a drink holder on the armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a gluegun.
There are mushrooms growing on the back.
It seems to generate its own heat.
Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the cushions.
It growls when you sit on it.
It has a faint smell of ammonia.
Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a railroad crossing.
The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
There's a coin slot on the armrest. v
There are labels in various spots that say "No Step".
The owner occassionally pauses to pick things off of it and taste them. v
It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
You hear scampering noises inside.
The owner offers to throw in a free:
can of Lysol
can of Raid
flyswatter
flea collar
ant trap
vial of penicillin
Under the cushions you find:
half a bottle of ketchup
empty shotgun shells
an entire squirrel skeleton
Jimmy Hoffa's wallet
a glass eye
ticket stubs from the 1939 World's Fair
the muffler from a '72 Dodge
cully_4u
30-01-2007, 22:59
مکالمات تلفني واقعي ضبط شده در مراکز خدمات مشاوره مايکروسافت در انگلستان:
مرکز مشاوره : چه نوع کامپيوتري داريد؟
مشتري : يک کامپيوتر سفيد ...
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
مشتري : سلام، من «سلين» هستم. نمي تونم ديسکتم رو دربيارم
مرکز : سعي کردين دکمه رو فشار بدين؟
مشتري : آره، ولي اون واقعاً گير کرده
مرکز : اين خوب نيست، من يک يادداشت آماده مي کنم ...
مشتري : نه ... صبر کن ... من هنوز نذاشتمش تو درايو ... هنوز روي ميزمه .. ببخشيد ...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....
مرکز : روي آيکن My Computer در سمت چپ صفحه کليک کن .
مشتري : سمت چپ شما يا سمت چپ من؟
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
مرکز : روز خوش، چه کمکي از من برمياد؟
مشتري : سلام ... من نمي تونم پرينت کنم .
مرکز : ميشه لطفاً روي Start کليک کنيد و ...
مشتري : گوش کن رفيق؛ براي من اصطلاحات فني نيار! من بيل گيتس نيستم، لعنتي !
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
مشتري : سلام، عصرتون بخير، من مارتا هستم، نمي تونم پرينت بگيرم . هر دفعه سعي مي کنم ميگه : «نمي تونم پرينتر رو پيدا کنم» من حتي پرينتر رو بلند کردم و جلوي مانيتور گذاشتم ، اما کامپيوتر هنوز ميگه نمي تونه پيداش کنه ...
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
مشتري : من توي پرينت گرفتن با رنگ قرمز مشکل دارم ...
مرکز : آيا شما پرينتر رنگي داريد؟
مشتري : نه.
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
مرکز : الآن روي مانيتورتون چيه خانوم؟
مشتري : يه خرس Teddy که دوست پسرم از سوپرمارکت برام خريده .
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
مرکز : و الآن F8 رو بزنين .
مشتري : کار نمي کنه .
مرکز : دقيقاً چه کار کردين؟
مشتري : من کليد F رو 8 بار فشار دادم همونطور که بهم گفتيد، ولي هيچ اتفاقي نمي افته...
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
مشتري : کيبورد من ديگه کار نمي کنه .
مرکز : مطمئنيد که به کامپيوترتون وصله؟
مشتري : نه، من نمي تونم پشت کامپيوتر برم.
مرکز : کيبوردتون رو برداريد و 10 قدم به عقب بريد.
مشتري : باشه.
مرکز : کيبورد با شما اومد؟
مشتري : بله
مرکز : اين يعني کيبورد وصل نيست. کيبورد ديگه اي اونجا نيست؟
مشتري : چرا، يکي ديگه اينجا هست. اوه ... اون يکي کار مي کنه!
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
مرکز : رمز عبور شما حرف کوچک a مثل apple، و حرف بزرگ V مثل Victor ، و عدد 7 هست .
مشتري : اون 7 هم با حروف بزرگه؟
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
يک مشتري نمي تونه به اينترنت وصل بشه ...
مرکز : شما مطمئنيد رمز درست رو به کار برديد؟
مشتري : بله مطمئنم. من ديدم همکارم اين کار رو کرد .
مرکز : ميشه به من بگيد رمز عبور چي بود؟
مشتري : پنج تا ستاره.
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
مرکز : چه برنامه آنتي ويروسي استفاده مي کنيد؟
مشتري : Netscape
مرکز : اون برنامه آنتي ويروس نيست .
مشتري : اوه، ببخشيد ... Internet Explorer.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
مشتري : من يک مشکل بزرگ دارم. يکي از دوستام يک Screensaver روي کامپيوترم گذاشته، ولي هربار که ماوس رو حرکت ميدم، غيب ميشه !
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
مرکز : مرکز خدمات شرکت مايکروسافت، مي تونم کمکتون کنم؟
مشتري : عصرتون بخير! من بيش از 4 ساعت براي شما صبر کردم. ميشه لطفاً بگيد چقدر طول ميکشه قبل از اينکه بتونين کمکم کنيد؟
مرکز : آآه..؟ ببخشيد، من متوجه مشکلتون نشدم؟
مشتري : من داشتم توي Word کار مي کردم و دکمه Help رو کليک کردم بيش از 4 ساعت قبل. ميشه بگيد کي بالاخره کمکم مي کنيد؟
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
مرکز : چه کمکي از من برمياد؟
مشتري : من دارم اولين ايميلم رو مي نويسم.
مرکز : خوب، و چه مشکلي وجود داره؟
مشتري : خوب، من حرف a رو دارم، اما چطوري دورش دايره بذارم؟
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
کپی شده از سایت :
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
مرکز مشاوره : چه نوع کامپيوتري داريد؟
مشتري : يک کامپيوتر سفيد ...
Helpdesk: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
مشتري : سلام، من «سلين» هستم. نمي تونم ديسکتم رو دربيارم
مرکز : سعي کردين دکمه رو فشار بدين؟
مشتري : آره، ولي اون واقعاً گير کرده
مرکز : اين خوب نيست، من يک يادداشت آماده مي کنم ...
مشتري : نه ... صبر کن ... من هنوز نذاشتمش تو درايو ... هنوز روي ميزمه .. ببخشيد ...
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Helpdesk: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, but it's really stuck.
Helpdesk: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note ...
Customer: No ... wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry ....
مرکز : روي آيکن My Computer در سمت چپ صفحه کليک کن .
مشتري : سمت چپ شما يا سمت چپ من؟
Helpdesk: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
مرکز : روز خوش، چه کمکي از من برمياد؟
مشتري : سلام ... من نمي تونم پرينت کنم .
مرکز : ميشه لطفاً روي Start کليک کنيد و ...
مشتري : گوش کن رفيق؛ براي من اصطلاحات فني نيار! من بيل گيتس نيستم، لعنتي !
Helpdesk: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Helpdesk: Would you click on start for me and ...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates damn it!
مشتري : سلام، عصرتون بخير، من مارتا هستم، نمي تونم پرينت بگيرم . هر دفعه سعي مي کنم ميگه : «نمي تونم پرينتر رو پيدا کنم» من حتي پرينتر رو بلند کردم و جلوي مانيتور گذاشتم ، اما کامپيوتر هنوز ميگه نمي تونه پيداش کنه ...
Hi good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
مشتري : من توي پرينت گرفتن با رنگ قرمز مشکل دارم ...
مرکز : آيا شما پرينتر رنگي داريد؟
مشتري : نه.
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Helpdesk: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: No.
مرکز : الآن روي مانيتورتون چيه خانوم؟
مشتري : يه خرس Teddy که دوست پسرم از سوپرمارکت برام خريده .
Helpdesk: What's on your monitor now ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the supermarket.
مرکز : و الآن F8 رو بزنين .
مشتري : کار نمي کنه .
مرکز : دقيقاً چه کار کردين؟
مشتري : من کليد F رو 8 بار فشار دادم همونطور که بهم گفتيد، ولي هيچ اتفاقي نمي افته...
Helpdesk: And now hit F8.
Customer: It's not working.
Helpdesk: What did you do, exactly?
Customer: I hit the F-key 8-times as you told me, but nothing's happening...
مشتري : کيبورد من ديگه کار نمي کنه .
مرکز : مطمئنيد که به کامپيوترتون وصله؟
مشتري : نه، من نمي تونم پشت کامپيوتر برم.
مرکز : کيبوردتون رو برداريد و 10 قدم به عقب بريد.
مشتري : باشه.
مرکز : کيبورد با شما اومد؟
مشتري : بله
مرکز : اين يعني کيبورد وصل نيست. کيبورد ديگه اي اونجا نيست؟
مشتري : چرا، يکي ديگه اينجا هست. اوه ... اون يکي کار مي کنه!
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Helpdesk: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Helpdesk: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Helpdesk: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Helpdesk: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
مرکز : رمز عبور شما حرف کوچک a مثل apple، و حرف بزرگ V مثل Victor ، و عدد 7 هست .
مشتري : اون 7 هم با حروف بزرگه؟
Helpdesk: Your password is the small letter a as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
يک مشتري نمي تونه به اينترنت وصل بشه ...
مرکز : شما مطمئنيد رمز درست رو به کار برديد؟
مشتري : بله مطمئنم. من ديدم همکارم اين کار رو کرد .
مرکز : ميشه به من بگيد رمز عبور چي بود؟
مشتري : پنج تا ستاره.
A customer couldn't get on the internet.
Helpdesk: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Helpdesk: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
مرکز : چه برنامه آنتي ويروسي استفاده مي کنيد؟
مشتري : Netscape
مرکز : اون برنامه آنتي ويروس نيست .
مشتري : اوه، ببخشيد ... Internet Explorer.
Helpdesk: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Helpdesk: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
مشتري : من يک مشکل بزرگ دارم. يکي از دوستام يک Screensaver روي کامپيوترم گذاشته، ولي هربار که ماوس رو حرکت ميدم، غيب ميشه !
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears!
مرکز : مرکز خدمات شرکت مايکروسافت، مي تونم کمکتون کنم؟
مشتري : عصرتون بخير! من بيش از 4 ساعت براي شما صبر کردم. ميشه لطفاً بگيد چقدر طول ميکشه قبل از اينکه بتونين کمکم کنيد؟
مرکز : آآه..؟ ببخشيد، من متوجه مشکلتون نشدم؟
مشتري : من داشتم توي Word کار مي کردم و دکمه Help رو کليک کردم بيش از 4 ساعت قبل. ميشه بگيد کي بالاخره کمکم مي کنيد؟
Helpdesk: Microsoft Tech. Support, may I help you?
Customer: Good afternoon! I have waited over 4 hours for you. Can you please tell me how long it will take before you can help me?
Helpdesk: Uhh..? Pardon, I don't understand your problem?
Customer: I was working in Word and clicked the help button more than 4 hours ago. Can you tell me when you will finally be helping me?
مرکز : چه کمکي از من برمياد؟
مشتري : من دارم اولين ايميلم رو مي نويسم.
مرکز : خوب، و چه مشکلي وجود داره؟
مشتري : خوب، من حرف a رو دارم، اما چطوري دورش دايره بذارم؟
Helpdesk: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Helpdesk: OK, and, what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter a, but how do I get the circle around it?
کپی شده از سایت :
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
Asalbanoo
07-02-2007, 13:32
Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems .Give me the menu card.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....
Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
............ ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... ......... .....
Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems .Give me the menu card.
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---
Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --
Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."
Asalbanoo
08-02-2007, 15:27
Good Wan! (Good One!)"
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh ......God!!! !
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this?
Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this!
Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Ree.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!
Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh ......God!!! !
Asalbanoo
08-02-2007, 15:33
A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
away by now."
DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
on the place you were stung."
MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was
sitting under a tree"
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
part of your body did that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts"
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
"Which one?"
MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the
same to me."
in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
bee."
DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
away by now."
DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
on the place you were stung."
MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was
sitting under a tree"
DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
part of your body did that bee sting."
MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts"
DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
"Which one?"
MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the
same to me."
Asalbanoo
09-02-2007, 09:19
McDonald, who was very sad,met his friend Sandy in the street.He said to his friend,"I cannot make up my mind whether to marry a wealthy widow whom i don't love or a poor girl whom i love very much.
Sandy said,"My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
"You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
"In that case,can you give me the widow's address
Sandy said,"My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
"You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
"In that case,can you give me the widow's address
love-to-learn
14-02-2007, 10:37
I'm Walking Backwards for...One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how you ever get here?""I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."
Asalbanoo
17-02-2007, 05:56
If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, ``Remember, we never had this conversation.''
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, ``Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?''
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, ``OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.''
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, ``Where was I? Who are you?''
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Act like you're ringing the police. Report a petty theft.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, ``I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.''
Start the conversation with ``My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...action!''
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say, ``Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.''
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, ``This may be my last entry.''
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term ``spanking a pizza.'' Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, ``No mushrooms, please.'' Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Dance all around the word ``pizza''. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, ``Please don't mention that word.''
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell ``OW!'' when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Order a steamed pizza.
If the order taker gets too annoyed, pout and complain, ``The last guy let me do it.''
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, ``Remember, we never had this conversation.''
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, ``Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?''
If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, ``OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.''
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, ``Where was I? Who are you?''
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Act like you're ringing the police. Report a petty theft.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, ``I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.''
Start the conversation with ``My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and...action!''
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say, ``Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.''
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, ``This may be my last entry.''
State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term ``spanking a pizza.'' Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, ``No mushrooms, please.'' Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Dance all around the word ``pizza''. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, ``Please don't mention that word.''
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell ``OW!'' when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Order a steamed pizza.
If the order taker gets too annoyed, pout and complain, ``The last guy let me do it.''
Asalbanoo
20-02-2007, 06:52
1. Ask people on the elevator if they've seen the first part of the movie Speed.
2. Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, ``Looks okay so far,'' and get back in.
3. Put notices in the elevators that read ``Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 87''
4. Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor.
5. Countdown ``5...4...3...2...1'' and then suddenly duck.
6. Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, ``Going down?''
7. Keep muttering, ``I hope it doesn't happen again...''
8. Have a friend with you, but act like he's a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, ``Wanna trade?'' Then promptly trade wallets.
9. Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi.
10. Put on a crash helnet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, ``Ok, Dave, I'm ready. Let 'er RIP!'' (This doesn't quite make sense, but hey, you can't have everything.)
11. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, ``Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!''
12. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
16. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
17. Announce in a demonic voice, ``I must find a more suitable host body.''
18. Wear ``X-Ray Specs'' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, ``Got enough air in there?''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--Back to Just For Laughs-- --Back To Torinfo.Com--
2. Push all the floor buttons. At every floor, get out, look around, mutter, ``Looks okay so far,'' and get back in.
3. Put notices in the elevators that read ``Last Inspection: Passed. Next Inspection Due: Jan 87''
4. Use physics to determine how fast the elevator will be going if it free-falls from the top floor.
5. Countdown ``5...4...3...2...1'' and then suddenly duck.
6. Get on the elevator at the top floor and ask, ``Going down?''
7. Keep muttering, ``I hope it doesn't happen again...''
8. Have a friend with you, but act like he's a complete stranger. After a while, turn to him and say, ``Wanna trade?'' Then promptly trade wallets.
9. Replace the 3 on the third floor button with the Greek letter pi.
10. Put on a crash helnet, and take one of those mini-trampolines into an elevator. Stand on the trampoline, then say to a friend holding the emergency phone, ``Ok, Dave, I'm ready. Let 'er RIP!'' (This doesn't quite make sense, but hey, you can't have everything.)
11. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, ``Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!''
12. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
13. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
14. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
15. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
16. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
17. Announce in a demonic voice, ``I must find a more suitable host body.''
18. Wear ``X-Ray Specs'' and leer suggestively at other passengers.
19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, ``Got enough air in there?''
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--Back to Just For Laughs-- --Back To Torinfo.Com--
™Bluetooth
20-02-2007, 14:14
A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment. Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
:biggrin:
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."
:biggrin:
™Bluetooth
20-02-2007, 15:09
The Day of Judgement has arrived. Major disasters everywhere: flood, fire, disease.
St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions.
Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.
"Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".
So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.
After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
"Your name sir?" asks Jesus
"I don't know" replies the man.
"Occupation?"
Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
"Number of children?"
"No clue" says the man.
Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. "Your name really isn't that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livelihood?"
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
"Well," he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a carpenter."
"Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?"
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember.
After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child was a boy.
And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".
Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning.
With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"
:tongue:
St. Peter has been at the Gates of Heaven for three straight days, asking the millions of victims some very basic questions.
Jesus comes along and sees that Peter is much too tired to continue.
"Pete, take a break and I'll do this for a while".
So Jesus takes over and asks each potential resident their name, occupation, and number of children, where applicable.
After a time, an old, feeble man appears before him.
"Your name sir?" asks Jesus
"I don't know" replies the man.
"Occupation?"
Again the old man replies that he doesn't recall.
"Number of children?"
"No clue" says the man.
Somewhat exasperated, Jesus starts anew. "Your name really isn't that important. However, your occupation is. Please concentrate sir; what did you do for a living, how did you gain your livelihood?"
The old man, lost in thought, slowly starts to piece it together.
"Well," he says "I can recall working with my hands a lot. In fact, looking at the splinters in my palms, I'd have to say that I was a carpenter."
"Excellent and honorable occupation sir. Well done! Now for the next step: How many, if any, children did you have?"
Once again the old man furrows his brow and tries desperately to remember.
After a long while he says "I'm almost sure I had one child and since I can't remember any dresses or dolls, I'm sure the child was a boy.
And one more thing, this boy of mine was ostracized because he had holes in his hands, his feet, and his sides".
Finally piecing the story together, Jesus jumps to his feet, the ultimate realization of who he has encountered striking him like a bolt of lightning.
With tears in his eyes, he yells "Father!!"
The old man, equally moved, rises and screams "Pinocchio!!"
:tongue:
™Bluetooth
20-02-2007, 15:14
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has to go the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees.
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
:laughing:
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter's tools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people, but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks, "Pinocchio?"
:laughing:
™Bluetooth
20-02-2007, 15:23
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't really know. My wife just told me to stand here."
:laughing:
Said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you allowed yourselves to be dominated by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't really know. My wife just told me to stand here."
:laughing:
™Bluetooth
20-02-2007, 15:44
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
:blush:
The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
:blush:
™Bluetooth
20-02-2007, 15:53
Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!"
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
:tongue:
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
:tongue:
™Bluetooth
20-02-2007, 16:06
Here's a nice piece, I love...!;):i
Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.
Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.
Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.
The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."
:laughing: :tongue:
Moses, Jesus and a very old man were out golfing one fine day.
Moses drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into a water hazard. So he parted the water and knocked the ball onto the green.
Jesus drives his ball and it bounced off two trees into the water. So he walked on the water and scooped his ball onto the green.
The very old man drives his ball and it bounced off a tree into the water, the ball was eaten by a fish, the fish swam to the surface and was snatched up by a bird, the bird flew upward and was struck by lightning, the fish fell from the sky onto the green, the ball bounced out of the fishes mouth, and the ball rolled into the hole.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate golfing with your dad."
:laughing: :tongue:
love-to-learn
03-03-2007, 21:26
NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!!
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
amintnt
03-03-2007, 22:09
NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!!
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
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The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
Hi dear love to learn..... Have u seen the movie "Brokeback Mountain"?..... There's a scene like this one u've said! The wife puts a note on a fishing hook and asks to sail fresh fishes! Of course here it's a sad story! not a joke! :rolleye:l
A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I'v been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up" "Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?"
You'll love the answer...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box.....
Hi dear love to learn..... Have u seen the movie "Brokeback Mountain"?..... There's a scene like this one u've said! The wife puts a note on a fishing hook and asks to sail fresh fishes! Of course here it's a sad story! not a joke! :rolleye:l
love-to-learn
24-03-2007, 15:20
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain. "What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?""Throw out an anchor, sir.""What would you do if another
storm sprang up aft?""Throw out another anchor, sir.""And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?""Throw out another anchor.""Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?""From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
storm sprang up aft?""Throw out another anchor, sir.""And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?""Throw out another anchor.""Hold on," said the Captain, "where are you getting all your anchors from?""From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
mehrdad21
30-03-2007, 15:14
philosophy class
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
A college student was in a philosophy class which had a discussion about God's existence. The professor presented the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke.
"Has anyone in this class seen God?" When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
One student thought for a second, and then asked for permission to reply. Curious to hear this bold student's response, the professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
mehrdad21
31-03-2007, 03:59
The $50 Bet
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend". The blonde said "No. A bet's a bet".
So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money".
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
Asalbanoo
09-04-2007, 12:57
The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said t o his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
" The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says........ .."HEBREWS"
God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Asalbanoo
09-04-2007, 13:00
Real questions asked by lawyers in court:
"Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone, or by yourself?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
You Might Be a Nurse if...
when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion ---- movies about nurses.
everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, &can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
"Now, your youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"
"Were you alone, or by yourself?"
"Were you present when your picture was taken?"
"Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the accident?"
"Did he kill you?"
"How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"
"You were there until the time you left, is that true?"
"How many times have you committed suicide?"
You Might Be a Nurse if...
when using a public restroom, you wash your hands with soap for a full minute and turn off the faucets with your elbows.
your favorite dream is the one where you leave a mess at a patient's bedside and tell a doctor to clean it up.
men assume you must be great in bed because of the 9 billion ---- movies about nurses.
everyone, including complete strangers, tells you about each and every ache and pain they have.
you want to put your foot through the TV screen every time you see a nurse on a soap opera doing nothing but talking on the phone and flirting with doctors.
you can almost SEE the germs on doorknobs and telephones.
you can watch the goriest movie and eat anything afterwards, even spaghetti with lots of tomato sauce.
you use a plastic 30cc medicine cup for a shot glass.
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"
Men are like ... Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth, &they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich, warm, &can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at, but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
siyanor
14-04-2007, 17:01
hey guys
its my first joke but surely its not the last one
God had created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years. "God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally God created man ... and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And since then, man lives 20 years as a man , marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown,he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
its my first joke but surely its not the last one
God had created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work untiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back. You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is much. Give me only 20 years" God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man. You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years. You will be a dog. " The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much, give me only 15 years. "God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey. You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years. " The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Finally God created man ... and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals.. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused." God granted man's wish !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And since then, man lives 20 years as a man , marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown,he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
siyanor
14-04-2007, 17:16
Five facts in the world
Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue
Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it
Fact 3: Fact 1 is false ha ha ha ha ha
Fact 4: Now you are laughing !!! Bcuz u became a fool
Fact 5: If u want to fool ur freinds also , send 'em here
Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue
Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it
Fact 3: Fact 1 is false ha ha ha ha ha
Fact 4: Now you are laughing !!! Bcuz u became a fool
Fact 5: If u want to fool ur freinds also , send 'em here
amintnt
14-04-2007, 19:07
Five facts in the world
Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue
Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it
Fact 3: Fact 1 is false ha ha ha ha ha
Fact 4: Now you are laughing !!! Bcuz u became a fool
Fact 5: If u want to fool ur freinds also , send 'em here
I really did that! First tried to touch my teeth with my tongue, and then laughed before reading fact 4! :laughing::laughing:l
Fact 1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue
Fact 2: After reading the first fact, all fools try it
Fact 3: Fact 1 is false ha ha ha ha ha
Fact 4: Now you are laughing !!! Bcuz u became a fool
Fact 5: If u want to fool ur freinds also , send 'em here
I really did that! First tried to touch my teeth with my tongue, and then laughed before reading fact 4! :laughing::laughing:l
siyanor
16-04-2007, 10:34
Hey guys..... guess whos back
i think we should give rate to other jokes
typical .. english
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.
* Cut an apple in two halfs- take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away outside
* Both of you three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the window.
* Take Copper Wire of any metal specially of Silver.
* Take 5 cm wire of any length
i think we should give rate to other jokes
typical .. english
Open the doors of the window. Let the atmosphere come in.
* Open the doors of the window. Let the air force come in.
* Cut an apple in two halfs- take the bigger half.
* Shhh...Quiet, boys...the principal just passed away outside
* Both of you three, get out of the class.
* Close the doors of the window.
* Take Copper Wire of any metal specially of Silver.
* Take 5 cm wire of any length
siyanor
16-04-2007, 10:47
A very beautiful woman was walking on the roof of a
building and she suddenly trips over something and
.......falls down
On her way falling down, an American man catches her
from his balcony, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved
my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..."
The man says: "Okay then, Kiss me"
She says : "You Ediot !! NEVER!!"
So he says "FINE!" and he drops her down.... So she's
falling and screaming..........................
Suddenly a German man catches her in the air from his
balcony, she says :"Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll
do anything that you ask..."
The guy says : "Kiss me."
She replies: "Oh you ediot !!! NEVER!"
So the man says : "Fine!!!" and he also drops her down
again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she
kissed one of those men and now she's going to die.
Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his
balcony, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved my life,
I'll KISS you!!"
The Muslim man replies : "Astaqfirullah!" and he drops her.
building and she suddenly trips over something and
.......falls down
On her way falling down, an American man catches her
from his balcony, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved
my life, I'll do ANYTHING for you..."
The man says: "Okay then, Kiss me"
She says : "You Ediot !! NEVER!!"
So he says "FINE!" and he drops her down.... So she's
falling and screaming..........................
Suddenly a German man catches her in the air from his
balcony, she says :"Oh thank you, you saved me, I'll
do anything that you ask..."
The guy says : "Kiss me."
She replies: "Oh you ediot !!! NEVER!"
So the man says : "Fine!!!" and he also drops her down
again.
She's falling and thinking that it was better if she
kissed one of those men and now she's going to die.
Suddenly, a Muslim man catches the woman from his
balcony, she says : "Oh thank you, you saved my life,
I'll KISS you!!"
The Muslim man replies : "Astaqfirullah!" and he drops her.
siyanor
27-04-2007, 19:20
Reporting to Bill Gates
Dear Mr Bill Gates,
This letter is from MOZAFAR We have bought a Computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to
bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password
column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in
password field. We checked with hardware vendor GHAZANFAR and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this
we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Azadi square So, we request you to
change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key
with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug
Dear Mr Bill Gates,
This letter is from MOZAFAR We have bought a Computer for our home and we found problems, which I want to
bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill the form in Hotmail in the password
column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in
password field. We checked with hardware vendor GHAZANFAR and he said that there is no problem in keyboard. Because of this
we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run ' has ran upto Azadi square So, we request you to
change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot for tracing the key
with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug
boy iran
02-05-2007, 21:47
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . . "
"I'm afraid he died last week. " she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
" Coz . . ." he replied laughing, "I just love hearing it. . . . "
amintnt
30-05-2007, 11:51
How to Tell the --- of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.l
"Hunting Flies" He respondedl
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.l
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.l
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"l
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."l
:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.l
"Hunting Flies" He respondedl
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.l
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.l
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"l
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."l
:laughing::laughing::laughing::laughing:
siyanor
04-06-2007, 09:18
A group of hikers were being led through the wilderness by a guide. On the third day, the hikers noticed that they had been traveling in circles.
''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.
''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''
''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''
''We're lost!'' One of the hikers complained.
''And you said you were the best guide in the United States.''
''I am,'' the guide answered, '' but I think we may have wandered into Canada.''
•*´• pegah •´*•
28-06-2007, 02:20
1.girls are like an internet virus: they enter your life, scan your pockets,
transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile..
2.Proof that gals are evil:first v state that girls require time and money......Girls= time x money...As we all know"Time is money"......Time=Money. .....Therefore Gals=Money x Money=Money square...... .And because money is the "Root of all evil"......Money= evil root.....Therefore ...Gals=evil square.....Therefor e v are forced to conclude that.....Girls= EVIL..... .
3.Girls are like phones, they like to be held and talked too, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! .....
4.When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.....
5.Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
6.WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!...
7.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!...
8.What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women...
9.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend...
10.How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing....
11.God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
12.What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!....
13. He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
14.99.99% accidents are caused by women...firstly when they get confused...they press gas instead of breakes....secondly whenthey wear hot clothes...men r too busy checking them out....
15.All galz say i am not like other galz "I am different" (all r same)...
16.If a gal says she has told no one the secret....u should assume she has already told to her best friend...
transfer money, edit your mind, download their problems and delete your smile..
2.Proof that gals are evil:first v state that girls require time and money......Girls= time x money...As we all know"Time is money"......Time=Money. .....Therefore Gals=Money x Money=Money square...... .And because money is the "Root of all evil"......Money= evil root.....Therefore ...Gals=evil square.....Therefor e v are forced to conclude that.....Girls= EVIL..... .
3.Girls are like phones, they like to be held and talked too, but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected! .....
4.When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.....
5.Q:What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A:About 45 pounds!!
6.WOMAN: The most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!...
7.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
You don't, you've told her twice already!...
8.What is the thinnest book in the world?
What Men Know About Women...
9.A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend...
10.How Dogs and Women are alike.....
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
Both put too much value on kissing....
11.God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested
12.What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?
Magnets have a positive side!....
13. He met a lady while browsing. She unzipped his dotcom when downloading. Since he was virus free he slotted his floppydisk into her hotmail she screamed yahoo!
14.99.99% accidents are caused by women...firstly when they get confused...they press gas instead of breakes....secondly whenthey wear hot clothes...men r too busy checking them out....
15.All galz say i am not like other galz "I am different" (all r same)...
16.If a gal says she has told no one the secret....u should assume she has already told to her best friend...
danavan
20-07-2007, 20:59
A teacher ask"wot part of the body goes to heaven first?"A child replies"feet- coz every nite i c my mum with her feet in the air screamin GOD I'M COMIN!
---------------------------------------------------
The Word 'Hello' means H=How R U? E=Everything all right? L=Like 2 hear 4rm U. L=Love 2 C U soon. O=Obviously, I miss you!
---------------------------------------------------
DRACULA KISS
As u go 2 bed 2nite, I ordered bats 2 guard u tight. I told some ghosts to dance in white, & 2 make sure u r alryt, i'LL ask dracula 2 kiss ur neck goodnight..
---------------------------------------------------
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
---------------------------------------------------
How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!
---------------------------------------------------
HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, ---- and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?
---------------------------------------------------
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
---------------------------------------------------
How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
---------------------------------------------------
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
---------------------------------------------------
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
---------------------------------------------------
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found
---------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend always laughs during *** - no matter what she's reading.
---------------------------------------------------
After the party - mum, I am not drunk, I can lay on the flour without holding on
---------------------------------------------------
Kill one you're a murderer, kill 10 you're a serial murderer, kill them all, you're GOD.
---------------------------------------------------
You wanna come to my place for some pizza and ***? No? Why, don't you like pizza?!
---------------------------------------------------
Why is a woman 20.000 $ worth and a man only 2$? A woman has a milk factory, a mussel farm and a sawmill; a man a sausage, 2 bitterballs and a little pot of mayonnaise
---------------------------------------------------
God created the universe, the earth, nature, the eggs, man and saw that it was good and beautiful. God also created woman and thought : ‘I hope she will make herself up’!
---------------------------------------------------
I am a killer,I kill people for money.....But because you are my friend,I'll kill you for nothing!
---------------------------------------------------
I am not stupid, I am blond!!! B - L - O - N - T
---------------------------------------------------
One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.
---------------------------------------------------
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
---------------------------------------------------
When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
---------------------------------------------------
It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!
---------------------------------------------------
Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!
---------------------------------------------------
Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!
---------------------------------------------------
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
---------------------------------------------------
If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE SUBSCRIBER!
---------------------------------------------------
Computer :A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!
---------------------------------------------------
A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.
---------------------------------------------------
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.
---------------------------------------------------
It must have been a rainy day when you were born..Heaven was crying 'cus it lost its most beautiful angel!
---------------------------------------------------
Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
---------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------
The Word 'Hello' means H=How R U? E=Everything all right? L=Like 2 hear 4rm U. L=Love 2 C U soon. O=Obviously, I miss you!
---------------------------------------------------
DRACULA KISS
As u go 2 bed 2nite, I ordered bats 2 guard u tight. I told some ghosts to dance in white, & 2 make sure u r alryt, i'LL ask dracula 2 kiss ur neck goodnight..
---------------------------------------------------
Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?
---------------------------------------------------
How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!
---------------------------------------------------
HELP: Cops are after a suspect who smart, witty, ---- and good lookin...so where you gonna hide ME?
---------------------------------------------------
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
---------------------------------------------------
How do u keep an idiot amused? Watch this message until it goes away!
---------------------------------------------------
It's better to let someone think you are an Idiot than to open your mouth and prove it.
---------------------------------------------------
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
---------------------------------------------------
We will now upgrade your brain, please wait...searching...searching...still searching...sorry NO BRAIN found
---------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend always laughs during *** - no matter what she's reading.
---------------------------------------------------
After the party - mum, I am not drunk, I can lay on the flour without holding on
---------------------------------------------------
Kill one you're a murderer, kill 10 you're a serial murderer, kill them all, you're GOD.
---------------------------------------------------
You wanna come to my place for some pizza and ***? No? Why, don't you like pizza?!
---------------------------------------------------
Why is a woman 20.000 $ worth and a man only 2$? A woman has a milk factory, a mussel farm and a sawmill; a man a sausage, 2 bitterballs and a little pot of mayonnaise
---------------------------------------------------
God created the universe, the earth, nature, the eggs, man and saw that it was good and beautiful. God also created woman and thought : ‘I hope she will make herself up’!
---------------------------------------------------
I am a killer,I kill people for money.....But because you are my friend,I'll kill you for nothing!
---------------------------------------------------
I am not stupid, I am blond!!! B - L - O - N - T
---------------------------------------------------
One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.
---------------------------------------------------
This cat, is cat, a cat, good cat, way cat, to cat, keep cat, a cat, idiot cat, busy cat, for cat, 20 cat, seconds cat! Now read it all without the word cat!
---------------------------------------------------
When I was a dog, and you were a flower, I walked over you and gave you a shower!!
---------------------------------------------------
It's important to find a man who has money, a man who adores you,a man who is great in the sack. It's also imprtant that these 3 men should never meet!
---------------------------------------------------
Hey can u do me a favour, take a pic of urself n send me it, i'm playin cards n i'm missin the joker!!
---------------------------------------------------
Hey friend remember dat without stupidity there can be no wisdom & without ugliness there can be no beauty… so the world needs YOU after all!
---------------------------------------------------
The rain makes all things beautiful.The grass & flowers 2. If rain makes all things beautiful why doesn’t it rain on you?
---------------------------------------------------
If you need advice, text me... If you need a friend, call me... If you need me, come to me... If you need money... ........... THE SUBSCRIBER CANNOT BE SUBSCRIBER!
---------------------------------------------------
Computer :A good friend is like a computer; me 'enter' ur life, 'save' u in my heart, 'format' ur problems, 'shift' u 2 opportunities & never 'delete' u from my memory!
---------------------------------------------------
A man was looking at a painting 4 a long time of a naked woman with leaves covering the body, he was asked what he was doing & he answered - waitng 4 autumn.
---------------------------------------------------
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt N a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase N the handle came off. I'm afraid 2 go 2 the bathroom.
---------------------------------------------------
It must have been a rainy day when you were born..Heaven was crying 'cus it lost its most beautiful angel!
---------------------------------------------------
Girls are like internet domain names... the ones I like are already taken.
---------------------------------------------------
mehrdad21
01-08-2007, 21:44
Persians are Persians
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Persians up here in heavens that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, their dogs are riding the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and watermelon seeds all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Persians are Persians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Persians have extinguished the fire and are trying to install air conditioning
The angel Gabriel came to the Lord and said "I have to talk to you. We have some Persians up here in heavens that are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, they are wearing Dolce and Gabanas instead of their white robes, their dogs are riding the chariots, and they're selling their halos to people for discount prices.
They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clear, since they keep crouching down midway eating sunflower and watermelon seeds all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing!"
The Lord said, "Persians are Persians. Heaven is home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the devil."
The Devil answered the phone, "Hello? Damn, hold on a minute." The Devil returned to the phone, "OK I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just wanted to know what kind of problems you're having down there."
The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"
Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man I don't believe this.......Hold on." This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Persians have extinguished the fire and are trying to install air conditioning
danavan
09-08-2007, 16:09
New Employee Orientation
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a high-tech
company. During the welcoming ceremony, the boss says,
"You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money
here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat.
So don't trouble any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later, the boss returns and says, "You're all
working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you;
however, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you
know what happened to him?"
The cannibals disavow all knowledge of the missing janitor.
After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to
the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?"
A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the
cannibals says, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating
Team Leaders and Project Managers so no one would notice
anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!"
emtn
24-08-2007, 19:41
If you have no ball between your legs, you are not a man.
If you have two balls between your legs, you are a man.
If you have four balls between your legs, you are not a super man. You are being f**ked!
If you have two balls between your legs, you are a man.
If you have four balls between your legs, you are not a super man. You are being f**ked!
danavan
13-09-2007, 17:47
CONFUSION
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God
male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both
male and female."
This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the
less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
A confused nine year old boy goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God
male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, God is both
male and female."
This confuses the little boy so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well, God is both black and white."
This further confuses the boy so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers none the
less, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this, the boy's face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, "Is God Michael Jackson?"
danavan
13-09-2007, 17:49
Always Late
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he
was five, 10, 15 minutes late.
But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom
into his office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up
job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the
Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career.
However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he
was five, 10, 15 minutes late.
But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a
quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called Tom
into his office for a talk.
"Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang- up
job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear.
It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the
Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"
Yazz
15-09-2007, 18:01
there are some places in concert saloons which voices are repeated twice there
!!!!!the tickets of those places always bought by scotish men, cause they pay once and hear twice
!!!!!the tickets of those places always bought by scotish men, cause they pay once and hear twice
h_freshteh
18-09-2007, 23:15
when you see man getting off the car hurriedly and opens the door of a car for his wife
you can be sure that he has jast bought his car or he has jast got married.
you can be sure that he has jast bought his car or he has jast got married.
LYLAX
03-10-2007, 22:56
Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.
***********************
one day,John looks up at the sky and says:
JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?
God replied:
GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: God, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...
__________________
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.
***********************
one day,John looks up at the sky and says:
JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?
God replied:
GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: God, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...
__________________
Yazz
08-10-2007, 03:01
[LEFT]Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.
two big thumbs up man, great, really great.
you make me laugh to much
you doin' great gee
good job
gotcha
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."
He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
*********************
Hearing so many people speaking about his
intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
as follows:
- Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
right brain there is nothing left.
two big thumbs up man, great, really great.
you make me laugh to much
you doin' great gee
good job
gotcha
LYLAX
11-10-2007, 11:11
George Bush is visiting the Queen of England.
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send The Prime Minister in here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Your Majesty..."
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Blair answers, "That would be me!"
"Yes! Very good!" says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush calls in his vice president, Dick Cheney.
"Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's
not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and asks to speak with Bush.
"Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin
Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face,
No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
LYLAX
11-10-2007, 11:19
Finally, here is a definition of globalization I can understand and to which I can relate!
Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer : Princess
Diana's death.
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a
German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by
An Iranian,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a
Korean monitor,
assembled by
Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian
lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
Question : What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer : Princess
Diana's death.
Question : How come?
Answer :
An English princess with
an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French
tunnel, driving a
German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian
who was drunk
on Scottish whisky,
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),
followed closely by
Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor, using
Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by
An Iranian,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese
chips, and a
Korean monitor,
assembled by
Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian
lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
LYLAX
11-10-2007, 11:46
two big thumbs up man, great, really great.
you make me laugh to much
you doin' great gee
good job
gotcha
YEP:46:
thank you dear yazz
you make me laugh to much
you doin' great gee
good job
gotcha
YEP:46:
thank you dear yazz
LYLAX
12-10-2007, 08:45
Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
LYLAX
17-10-2007, 14:24
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for services. He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, No health insurance. The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, No money in the bank. The nun asked, Do you have a relative who could help you? He said, I only have a spinster sister who is a nun.The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God. The patient replied, Then send the bill to my brother-in-law.
__________________
__________________
LYLAX
18-10-2007, 16:59
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he
announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
LYLAX
20-10-2007, 17:51
frog: what does my future hold?
psychic: you'll meet a girl who would want to know everything about you.
frog: that's great! will I meet her in a party?
psychic: no...
in biology class.
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
psychic: you'll meet a girl who would want to know everything about you.
frog: that's great! will I meet her in a party?
psychic: no...
in biology class.
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
LYLAX
24-10-2007, 18:04
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad. .she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card (it's in my center desk drawer).
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad. .she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime, we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a bad report card (it's in my center desk drawer).
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home
Kite102
24-10-2007, 19:14
What's the friendliest school?
Hi -school.
Bad joke..sorry
Hi -school.
Bad joke..sorry
zerosector
30-01-2008, 12:33
Three people were captured in a prison. Suddenly, a fairy appeared and told everyone, that they have a wish.
The first one wished that he wants to get home - and that happened to him.
The second one wished the same - and it happened to him, too.
The third one looked around a few minutes, then said sadly: "I am so lonely. I wish, my fellows were here again!"
The first one wished that he wants to get home - and that happened to him.
The second one wished the same - and it happened to him, too.
The third one looked around a few minutes, then said sadly: "I am so lonely. I wish, my fellows were here again!"
mir@
17-02-2008, 00:15
Too funny. Worth Reading
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said! So, ! that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
Not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
An accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is ! Gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
Exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
Don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother! Taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
That way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.
I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
Into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said! So, ! that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're
Not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT .
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in
An accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is ! Gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY .
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't
Exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who
Don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother! Taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE .
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze
That way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
mir@
18-02-2008, 19:59
EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING YOUR H O M E W O R K
I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to MY TEACHER'S already heavy workload
I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked
.
I put it in a safe, but lost the combination
.
Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
:27:
I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away
.
I left it in my shirt and my mother put the shirt for washing
.
My little sister ate it
.
A sudden wind blew it out of my hand and I never saw it again
I was kidnapped by terrorists and they only just let me go, so I didn't have time to do it
.
The lights in our house went out, and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box
.
Another pupil fell in a lake, and I jumped in to rescue him but unfortunately my homework drown
.
I used it to fill a hole in my shoe, you wouldn't want it now
.
My father had a nervous breakdown and he cut it up to make paper dolls
.
I didn't do it, because I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
I didn't do it because I didn't want to add to MY TEACHER'S already heavy workload
I made a paper plane out of it and it got hijacked
.
I put it in a safe, but lost the combination
.
Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked
:27:
I loaned it to a friend, but he suddenly moved away
.
I left it in my shirt and my mother put the shirt for washing
.
My little sister ate it
.
A sudden wind blew it out of my hand and I never saw it again
I was kidnapped by terrorists and they only just let me go, so I didn't have time to do it
.
The lights in our house went out, and I had to burn it to get enough light to see the fuse box
.
Another pupil fell in a lake, and I jumped in to rescue him but unfortunately my homework drown
.
I used it to fill a hole in my shoe, you wouldn't want it now
.
My father had a nervous breakdown and he cut it up to make paper dolls
.
I didn't do it, because I didn't want the other kids in the class to look bad.
love-to-learn
18-02-2008, 22:10
Amir, I couldn't stop laughing when I was reading some parts of your post, it reminded me of the excuses that some students already make for not doing their homeworks :3:l
:8::5::8:
:8::5::8:
Bret
12-03-2008, 06:35
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the little girl was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat.
"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:10
Some years ago I decided to buy a WDC 730MB hard drive. So I went to a central store of our city, Athens, and bought it. Less than a year later the drive slowed down and finally failed to complete booting (this coincided with my attempts to change my controller to a VLB one, so at first I thought I did something wrong). Those days backup machines were still expensive and floppies were rather boring to use regularly, so my last backup was over two months old.
So there I am in the central store's service, trying to explain that I wanted my data saved. It seemed to me that the disk surfaces didn't have problem, and, since the data hadn't been erased, it must have been the electronics that prevented the communication, something quite possible, especially if the strange initialization sound is taken into account.
Me: "Can you see if it works on your machine?"
Tech Support: "It doesn't boot. Format it?"
Me: "NOOOO! I want to keep the data!"
Tech Support: "We don't make backups here. I'll just write on it that the data should be saved, but who knows what they'll do."
Me: "Isn't there a safer way?"
Tech Support: "You could take it to the lab yourself." (He meant the import store.)
Me: "Where is that?"
Tech Support: (somewhere an hour away) At the "lab" they told me they would send the drive to Thessaloniki, over five hours away, to see what their co-workers could do. I agreed, and we swapped phone numbers so I could hear some news. After this day, I stopped shaving my face.
After a week I called them to hear what was going on. They had no news, so they gave me the phone number of their co-workers.
Me: "What's your conclusion on my drive?"
Tech Support: "It's ok. I just changed the controller."
Me: (thinking he meant a chip on the drive) "Great! How's my data?"
Tech Support: "Data? It's empty!"
Me: "What!?" He had confused me with another customer. A week later I called again.
Tech Support: "We can't fix your drive, nor read your data."
Me: "You mean you don't have the right equipment?"
Tech Support: "Right."
Me: "Isn't there anything we can do?"
Tech Support: "Well, there is a lab at Germany, it costs (an insane amount per megabyte), and it should take more than two months, with unsure results." Thinking about complexity of the situation, my father and I decided to say goodbye to some files and do the lost work again instead of waiting and paying a lot of money.
We canceled the whole process and asked for a new hard drive. The central store told us we had to wait until they received the new drive. One of the things I worried about was the size of the new drive. WDC didn't ship any more 730MB disks, so I might have to take an 850MB disk -- at my expense, of course. It was annoying to know they wanted more money even though the original price of the smaller drive was greater than the current price of the bigger drive.
One week after the last phone call, I dropped by the central store and asked about my new drive. By that time I already had a beard.
Tech Support: "Let me check. It's in the 'lab'."
Me: "Great! Am I receiving it today?"
Tech Support: "No, I guess not."
Me: "Can I go there and get it?"
Tech Support: "Sure!"
Me: "Oh! And how big is it?"
Tech Support: "Uh, it's a 730MB." At least I wouldn't have to pay extra money. When I arrived at the "lab" I learned, to my frustration that the drive was on the way to the place I just left an hour before.
Back at the central store, I was finally able to hold in my hands my long-awaited new drive. Then I noticed a scratch on it's surface. Upon closer inspection, it reminded me of a scratch my OLD disk had. NO! IT COULDN'T BE! AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!
I started yelling.
Tech Support: "What's wrong?"
Me: "That's MY drive!"
Tech Support: "Of course!"
Me: "No, I mean my OLD drive!"
Tech Support: "How can it be your old drive when it's sealed?"
Me: "You call this sealed?"
Tech Support: "You didn't open it just now? Does it have anything on you can recognize?"
Me: "It has this scratch."
Tech Support: "Any drive can have such a scratch."
Me: "Just connect it up. It won't work."
Tech Support: (after trying) "You're right, it doesn't work. Format?" Although I had already felt like fainting, that last one sentence was too much. I got so angry, I hit my hand to draw an assistant's attention. I called my father. He came. We yelled together. We talked to the manager. After a couple of days a new 850MB hard drive was delivered to us at home.
The story is now over, but I still wonder how the company managed to calculate the difference in price between an accessory in production and another that wasn't. If economy was based on such hypotheses, I would have been rich by now, bought the store, fired the offending technicians (although in the above written conversation they probably seem fine, they were offensively neglecting me), bought WDC, redesigned the drives, etc, etc, etc.
So there I am in the central store's service, trying to explain that I wanted my data saved. It seemed to me that the disk surfaces didn't have problem, and, since the data hadn't been erased, it must have been the electronics that prevented the communication, something quite possible, especially if the strange initialization sound is taken into account.
Me: "Can you see if it works on your machine?"
Tech Support: "It doesn't boot. Format it?"
Me: "NOOOO! I want to keep the data!"
Tech Support: "We don't make backups here. I'll just write on it that the data should be saved, but who knows what they'll do."
Me: "Isn't there a safer way?"
Tech Support: "You could take it to the lab yourself." (He meant the import store.)
Me: "Where is that?"
Tech Support: (somewhere an hour away) At the "lab" they told me they would send the drive to Thessaloniki, over five hours away, to see what their co-workers could do. I agreed, and we swapped phone numbers so I could hear some news. After this day, I stopped shaving my face.
After a week I called them to hear what was going on. They had no news, so they gave me the phone number of their co-workers.
Me: "What's your conclusion on my drive?"
Tech Support: "It's ok. I just changed the controller."
Me: (thinking he meant a chip on the drive) "Great! How's my data?"
Tech Support: "Data? It's empty!"
Me: "What!?" He had confused me with another customer. A week later I called again.
Tech Support: "We can't fix your drive, nor read your data."
Me: "You mean you don't have the right equipment?"
Tech Support: "Right."
Me: "Isn't there anything we can do?"
Tech Support: "Well, there is a lab at Germany, it costs (an insane amount per megabyte), and it should take more than two months, with unsure results." Thinking about complexity of the situation, my father and I decided to say goodbye to some files and do the lost work again instead of waiting and paying a lot of money.
We canceled the whole process and asked for a new hard drive. The central store told us we had to wait until they received the new drive. One of the things I worried about was the size of the new drive. WDC didn't ship any more 730MB disks, so I might have to take an 850MB disk -- at my expense, of course. It was annoying to know they wanted more money even though the original price of the smaller drive was greater than the current price of the bigger drive.
One week after the last phone call, I dropped by the central store and asked about my new drive. By that time I already had a beard.
Tech Support: "Let me check. It's in the 'lab'."
Me: "Great! Am I receiving it today?"
Tech Support: "No, I guess not."
Me: "Can I go there and get it?"
Tech Support: "Sure!"
Me: "Oh! And how big is it?"
Tech Support: "Uh, it's a 730MB." At least I wouldn't have to pay extra money. When I arrived at the "lab" I learned, to my frustration that the drive was on the way to the place I just left an hour before.
Back at the central store, I was finally able to hold in my hands my long-awaited new drive. Then I noticed a scratch on it's surface. Upon closer inspection, it reminded me of a scratch my OLD disk had. NO! IT COULDN'T BE! AAAAAAAARRRGGGHHH!
I started yelling.
Tech Support: "What's wrong?"
Me: "That's MY drive!"
Tech Support: "Of course!"
Me: "No, I mean my OLD drive!"
Tech Support: "How can it be your old drive when it's sealed?"
Me: "You call this sealed?"
Tech Support: "You didn't open it just now? Does it have anything on you can recognize?"
Me: "It has this scratch."
Tech Support: "Any drive can have such a scratch."
Me: "Just connect it up. It won't work."
Tech Support: (after trying) "You're right, it doesn't work. Format?" Although I had already felt like fainting, that last one sentence was too much. I got so angry, I hit my hand to draw an assistant's attention. I called my father. He came. We yelled together. We talked to the manager. After a couple of days a new 850MB hard drive was delivered to us at home.
The story is now over, but I still wonder how the company managed to calculate the difference in price between an accessory in production and another that wasn't. If economy was based on such hypotheses, I would have been rich by now, bought the store, fired the offending technicians (although in the above written conversation they probably seem fine, they were offensively neglecting me), bought WDC, redesigned the drives, etc, etc, etc.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:10
I'm a Linux user, and I prefer keeping Javascript turned off in my browsers. Up until December 1999 or so, I did not need it for using Hotmail, but then that changed. So I sent them an email to ask why:
Why is it mandatory to use Javascript now? It was not necessary until recently (a couple months).
-F
The response I got was this (I swear this is verbatim):
Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.
This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.
For further information, contact the Help Support of the browser you are using.
We hope that this email has provided you with the assistance you needed.
Sincerely,
MSN Hotmail Customer Support
...Which confused the heck out of me! It not only doesn't make any sense, but it's not about the question I was asking. So I mailed them again:
Thank you very much for this information.
> This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript
> in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot
> browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.
But as you can see, it is insulting and makes no sense. First of all, "You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled" is erroneous. Never mind, I do not have time to flame you. Allow me to clarify my question; I do not think you understood it and would like at least a level three technician please:
Since I have used Hotmail, it has used cookies, but when I first used Hotmail I did not have to turn my browser's Javascript on. Now I do. Please tell me why. I do not like having Java and Javascript enabled (in fact I would prefer to use Lynx, a text-based browser under Unix).
Thank you.
-F
Ok, so it was a little harsh, but at least I thought they would answer the right question and/or refer it to Level III. Here's what I got:
Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.
MSN Hotmail also requires your Javascript feature to be enabled so that you can access your account more effectively. In order to enable your Javascript settings, kindly go to your Tools menu, Internet Options, Advanced Tab folder. From there, check and enable the Javascript settings in your PC. Please be guided accordingly.
Sincerely,
MSN Hotmail Customer Support
Internet Options? Tools menu? I'm using Netscape!
I gave up writing to them. I gave up my Hotmail account.
Why is it mandatory to use Javascript now? It was not necessary until recently (a couple months).
-F
The response I got was this (I swear this is verbatim):
Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.
This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.
For further information, contact the Help Support of the browser you are using.
We hope that this email has provided you with the assistance you needed.
Sincerely,
MSN Hotmail Customer Support
...Which confused the heck out of me! It not only doesn't make any sense, but it's not about the question I was asking. So I mailed them again:
Thank you very much for this information.
> This feature is mandatory since some sites require Javascript
> in order for the computer to read their codes. You cannot
> browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled.
But as you can see, it is insulting and makes no sense. First of all, "You cannot browse a site unless the Javascript is disabled" is erroneous. Never mind, I do not have time to flame you. Allow me to clarify my question; I do not think you understood it and would like at least a level three technician please:
Since I have used Hotmail, it has used cookies, but when I first used Hotmail I did not have to turn my browser's Javascript on. Now I do. Please tell me why. I do not like having Java and Javascript enabled (in fact I would prefer to use Lynx, a text-based browser under Unix).
Thank you.
-F
Ok, so it was a little harsh, but at least I thought they would answer the right question and/or refer it to Level III. Here's what I got:
Thank you for writing to MSN Hotmail.
MSN Hotmail also requires your Javascript feature to be enabled so that you can access your account more effectively. In order to enable your Javascript settings, kindly go to your Tools menu, Internet Options, Advanced Tab folder. From there, check and enable the Javascript settings in your PC. Please be guided accordingly.
Sincerely,
MSN Hotmail Customer Support
Internet Options? Tools menu? I'm using Netscape!
I gave up writing to them. I gave up my Hotmail account.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:11
There's this quite major company called Time Computers over here in England. I bought a system from them, and then five months later I hear a "Pfoo!" noise, and my display went all fuzzy and strange. After some troubleshooting, I opened up the case and discovered that the video card had a little, remarkably Wile E. Coyote-esque soot explosion mark centered around a burnt chip in the middle of it.
Here's the conversation I had with tech support about it, with a lot cut out:
Tech Suppport: "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
Me: "Well, my screens all fuzzy, and my video card seems to have exploded."
Tech Support: "Well, right click on the desktop."
Me: "Before you say anything, I've tried the monitor on another computer, and on this computer on Windows 98, 2000, Linux, and BeOS, and it's definitely something wrong with the video card, because the monitor worked on the other computers, and it didn't work in any of the operating systems in this one, and when I tried another video card, it worked."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "..."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Well, I'm in Linux right now."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "I'm not in Windows."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Do you know what an operating system is?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Me: "Ok then, because, I'm not in Windows. I'm in Linux, which is another operating system. Right clicking on the desktop won't do anything you think it will, I promise. Do you want me to reboot into Windows?"
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop please, sir." I sighed, gave up, rebooted into Windows, and right clicked on the desktop.
Me: "Do you want me to click on 'Properties'?"
Tech Support: "No sir, please click on 'Properties'."
Me: "..." After a while, "we" determined that, no, it isn't my resolution, and installing new drivers won't help. After a very long discussion, I learned that to replace my video card, they would "have to" (or so policy dictates) take the entire computer away (monitor and all) for 5-7 business days to replace the faulty video card. I protested this, because the computer was being used in a business. They told me there was "nothing they could do." This seemed bad enough, but then:
Tech Support: "Have you backed up recently?"
Me: "No, why?"
Tech Support: "You should..."
Me: "Sure, ok, I'll remember."
Tech Support: "...because as part of our policy, when servicing a computer, we delete everything on the hard disk."
Me: "What the $%* *%(@ $%? WHY???"
Tech Support: "Company policy."
Me: "But it's a broken video card! Even you admit that!!! It has nothing to do with the hard drive!"
Tech Support: "That's company policy, sir." After about an hour of arguing, we didn't get anywhere. I am living with the video card up to this day, months later, and was not refunded in anyway.
Turns out to be rather more tragic than funny, actually.
Here's the conversation I had with tech support about it, with a lot cut out:
Tech Suppport: "What seems to be the problem, sir?"
Me: "Well, my screens all fuzzy, and my video card seems to have exploded."
Tech Support: "Well, right click on the desktop."
Me: "Before you say anything, I've tried the monitor on another computer, and on this computer on Windows 98, 2000, Linux, and BeOS, and it's definitely something wrong with the video card, because the monitor worked on the other computers, and it didn't work in any of the operating systems in this one, and when I tried another video card, it worked."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "..."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Well, I'm in Linux right now."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "I'm not in Windows."
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop."
Me: "Do you know what an operating system is?"
Tech Support: "Yes, sir."
Me: "Ok then, because, I'm not in Windows. I'm in Linux, which is another operating system. Right clicking on the desktop won't do anything you think it will, I promise. Do you want me to reboot into Windows?"
Tech Support: "Right click on the desktop please, sir." I sighed, gave up, rebooted into Windows, and right clicked on the desktop.
Me: "Do you want me to click on 'Properties'?"
Tech Support: "No sir, please click on 'Properties'."
Me: "..." After a while, "we" determined that, no, it isn't my resolution, and installing new drivers won't help. After a very long discussion, I learned that to replace my video card, they would "have to" (or so policy dictates) take the entire computer away (monitor and all) for 5-7 business days to replace the faulty video card. I protested this, because the computer was being used in a business. They told me there was "nothing they could do." This seemed bad enough, but then:
Tech Support: "Have you backed up recently?"
Me: "No, why?"
Tech Support: "You should..."
Me: "Sure, ok, I'll remember."
Tech Support: "...because as part of our policy, when servicing a computer, we delete everything on the hard disk."
Me: "What the $%* *%(@ $%? WHY???"
Tech Support: "Company policy."
Me: "But it's a broken video card! Even you admit that!!! It has nothing to do with the hard drive!"
Tech Support: "That's company policy, sir." After about an hour of arguing, we didn't get anywhere. I am living with the video card up to this day, months later, and was not refunded in anyway.
Turns out to be rather more tragic than funny, actually.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:13
I noticed that the CGI scripts on my web site had spontaneously ceased working, so I contacted the tech support for the ISP that was hosting the site. It's important to note that, since I had set up the site, I had moved to a different city and, hence, only used telnet to connect to them. The tech needed to ask a few preliminary questions.
Tech Support: "What number are you dialing in to?"
Me: "I'm not dialing in. I'm using telnet."
Tech Support: "Yes, but what number are you calling?"
Me: "You don't understand, I'm not dialing in to your modem pool. I'm telneting to you."
Tech Support: "Please tell me what number you are dialing."
Me: "Fine. (number)"
Tech Support: "That's not one of our numbers!"
Me: "Of course it's not. I'm using A TELNET UTILITY to reach you over the Internet."
Tech Support: "But how are you connecting to the Internet?"
Me: "Though a different ISP!"
Tech Support: "Then we can't help you!"
Me: "Listen, I am connecting to you via telnet. It's a utility that allows me to connect to your UNIX shell from a remote location WITHOUT USING A PHONE LINE."
Tech Support: (incredulous) "So, you're using a cable modem or something?"
Me: (figuring it was just easier to say yes) "Yes."
Tech Support: "Um, we don't support UNIX."
Me: "I'm not using UNIX. You are."
Tech Support: "I'm using Windows."
Me: "No, your SERVERS are UNIX based."
Tech Support: "I don't think I can help you." I had to agree.
Tech Support: "What number are you dialing in to?"
Me: "I'm not dialing in. I'm using telnet."
Tech Support: "Yes, but what number are you calling?"
Me: "You don't understand, I'm not dialing in to your modem pool. I'm telneting to you."
Tech Support: "Please tell me what number you are dialing."
Me: "Fine. (number)"
Tech Support: "That's not one of our numbers!"
Me: "Of course it's not. I'm using A TELNET UTILITY to reach you over the Internet."
Tech Support: "But how are you connecting to the Internet?"
Me: "Though a different ISP!"
Tech Support: "Then we can't help you!"
Me: "Listen, I am connecting to you via telnet. It's a utility that allows me to connect to your UNIX shell from a remote location WITHOUT USING A PHONE LINE."
Tech Support: (incredulous) "So, you're using a cable modem or something?"
Me: (figuring it was just easier to say yes) "Yes."
Tech Support: "Um, we don't support UNIX."
Me: "I'm not using UNIX. You are."
Tech Support: "I'm using Windows."
Me: "No, your SERVERS are UNIX based."
Tech Support: "I don't think I can help you." I had to agree.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:16
Many years ago I was having problems with my miniframe lab computer. I called tech support, and after some time of discussing the problem, the guy told me to format the disk into two 795 megabyte partitions. When I told them that the disk was only a 300 megabyte disk, he replied, "I can't help you if you refuse to cooperate."
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:18
Once I called my local phone company to see if they were offering ADSL in my area.
Me: "I am calling to see if ADSL is available in my area."
Customer Service: "56k? Yeah, we offer 56k."
Me: "No, no. ADSL."
Customer Service: "Oh, no, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago."
Me: "No, I'm talking about ADSL."
Customer Service: "What city do you live in?"
Me: "Dalton."
Customer Service: "No, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago."
Me: "I am calling to see if ADSL is available in my area."
Customer Service: "56k? Yeah, we offer 56k."
Me: "No, no. ADSL."
Customer Service: "Oh, no, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago."
Me: "No, I'm talking about ADSL."
Customer Service: "What city do you live in?"
Me: "Dalton."
Customer Service: "No, we quit offering 28.8k a long time ago."
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:19
I know just enough to get myself in big trouble. Long story, but I managed to trash the BIOS and remembered that jumping two pins on the BIOS would reset the BIOS to a preset level.
Tech Support: "What operating system do you have installed?"
Me: "Windows 98."
Tech Support: "You didn't buy that from us, you have to reinstall Windows 3.1 before I can help you."
Me: "I would be more than happy to, but the BIOS has to be reset first."
Tech Support: "Maybe I didn't make myself clear. You have to reinstall Windows 3.1 first."
Me: "May I talk to your supervisor, please?"
Tech Support: (very loudly) "You understand this telephone line is recorded, right!?"
Me: "Doesn't bother me. May I please speak to your supervisor?"
Tech Support: "I don't have to put up with your foul language." (click)
Tech Support: "What operating system do you have installed?"
Me: "Windows 98."
Tech Support: "You didn't buy that from us, you have to reinstall Windows 3.1 before I can help you."
Me: "I would be more than happy to, but the BIOS has to be reset first."
Tech Support: "Maybe I didn't make myself clear. You have to reinstall Windows 3.1 first."
Me: "May I talk to your supervisor, please?"
Tech Support: (very loudly) "You understand this telephone line is recorded, right!?"
Me: "Doesn't bother me. May I please speak to your supervisor?"
Tech Support: "I don't have to put up with your foul language." (click)
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:20
The following is a three-way conversation between customer support for a company that sells computers, a customer of said company, and a technician that was called in to repair the hard drive of a machine from said company. There's one brain among the three of them, and it's not hard to figure out which one has it.
Customer Support: "Customer support center this is Allen."
Technician: "Ya, this is the 'CE' from (company). I was called in to fix yer hard drive. I put one in but now it's asking for a reference disk."
Customer Support: "All our systems are shipped with reference disks. They should be in a box called 'reference disks' there next to the computer."
Technician: "Oh, here they are, do I put it in now?"
Customer Support: "Yes, and reboot the computer. It will come up to a configuration screen and all you have to do is follow the prompts. Are you sure you're a service guy?"
Technician: "Look, I've been working on PC's for over 10 years now; I know enough to reboot. Geeez! Oh, wait, it says, 'There were no configuration files found for devices in slots 1, 2, 4...please remove your reference disk and insert disk containing the correct configuration.' What do I do now?
Customer Support: "Look in the box. There should be the original disks that came with the network card, the scsi controller, and the modem. You'll have to put them in one at a time as it asks to update your reference disk. What kind of network card is in the machine?"
Technician: "It's a microchannel card."
Customer Support: "Not what brand. What type? Token ring? Ethernet?"
Technician: "How do I tell? Oh wait, the customer wants to talk to you."
Customer: [yell, yell, curse, curse] "What do we pay you for??"
Customer Support: "Calm down."
Customer: "We have a box here that says use these disks to reconfigure the computer. Maybe he should be using these instead." Hours go by.
Customer Support: "There, now reboot the computer, and it should all be finally working fine."
Technician: "Hmmmm. It says invalid or missing command interpreter."
Customer Support: "Were there any error messages when you formatted the new drive?"
Technician: "Formatted the new drive? I just put it in outta the box."
Customer Support: [taking a big gulp of cold coffee] "That's ok, we can do that now. Put in a boot disk, and we'll format the drive and then restore the system from tape." Dead silence.
Technician: "I don't think we have a backup tape."
Customer Support: "Customer support center this is Allen."
Technician: "Ya, this is the 'CE' from (company). I was called in to fix yer hard drive. I put one in but now it's asking for a reference disk."
Customer Support: "All our systems are shipped with reference disks. They should be in a box called 'reference disks' there next to the computer."
Technician: "Oh, here they are, do I put it in now?"
Customer Support: "Yes, and reboot the computer. It will come up to a configuration screen and all you have to do is follow the prompts. Are you sure you're a service guy?"
Technician: "Look, I've been working on PC's for over 10 years now; I know enough to reboot. Geeez! Oh, wait, it says, 'There were no configuration files found for devices in slots 1, 2, 4...please remove your reference disk and insert disk containing the correct configuration.' What do I do now?
Customer Support: "Look in the box. There should be the original disks that came with the network card, the scsi controller, and the modem. You'll have to put them in one at a time as it asks to update your reference disk. What kind of network card is in the machine?"
Technician: "It's a microchannel card."
Customer Support: "Not what brand. What type? Token ring? Ethernet?"
Technician: "How do I tell? Oh wait, the customer wants to talk to you."
Customer: [yell, yell, curse, curse] "What do we pay you for??"
Customer Support: "Calm down."
Customer: "We have a box here that says use these disks to reconfigure the computer. Maybe he should be using these instead." Hours go by.
Customer Support: "There, now reboot the computer, and it should all be finally working fine."
Technician: "Hmmmm. It says invalid or missing command interpreter."
Customer Support: "Were there any error messages when you formatted the new drive?"
Technician: "Formatted the new drive? I just put it in outta the box."
Customer Support: [taking a big gulp of cold coffee] "That's ok, we can do that now. Put in a boot disk, and we'll format the drive and then restore the system from tape." Dead silence.
Technician: "I don't think we have a backup tape."
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:21
I overheard a conversation between the assistant manager of a PC repair place and a customer.
Manager: "Ok, you've got a new video card in there. The bad news is that your old card was an AGP, and the new one is PCI and eight megabytes. That means that it'll steal eight megabytes of your system memory."
Customer: "Oh, my..."
Me: "Ahh...pardon me? No it won't. That figure of eight megabytes refers to the amount of video memory on the video board itself. It has nothing to do with system memory, and it won't steal anything from it."
Customer: "Oh, thank you! That's what I was looking for, a little expertise."
Manager: "Are you sure? Even with PCI?"
Manager: "Ok, you've got a new video card in there. The bad news is that your old card was an AGP, and the new one is PCI and eight megabytes. That means that it'll steal eight megabytes of your system memory."
Customer: "Oh, my..."
Me: "Ahh...pardon me? No it won't. That figure of eight megabytes refers to the amount of video memory on the video board itself. It has nothing to do with system memory, and it won't steal anything from it."
Customer: "Oh, thank you! That's what I was looking for, a little expertise."
Manager: "Are you sure? Even with PCI?"
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:27
I originally bought a certain brand of computer that supposedly came with a video card that had 2 megs of memory. After a while, noting that the screen graphics were moving very slowly, I went into the Windows 95 Control Panel to take a look.
Video memory: 1 meg.
So I checked with a diagnostic program.
Video memory: 1 meg.
I called the tech support people about this.
Tech Support: "Oh, the Control Panel just tells you how much video memory you are using right now, you really do have 2 megs in there." Pardon me, but if my Windows 95 desktop takes up 1 meg of video memory just sitting there, we have a problem.
Tech Support: "Well, you need to go out and buy [a brand name diagnostic problem] and check the video memory, because that is the only one I know how to use. Don't worry, it'll tell you you have 2 megs of video memory." Um, I need to buy a $50 piece of software so that I can tell you something I already know?
Tech Support: "Well, this particular motherboard/chip/etc is registered with the FCC, and I have the specs right here! It has 2 megs of video memory!"
Customer: "Maybe the specs say so, but my computer doesn't."
Tech Support: "Well, you can just ask the FCC if you need to! Your computer is [a certain type], and that type has 2 megs of video memory -- so your computer does too."
Customer: "It is still under warranty. Can I have someone take a look at it and check to see if something is wrong? It only has 1 meg of video memory."
Tech Support: "No, it has 2!" He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between a written set of specifications and a material object -- namely, my computer.
Tech Support: "Here, I'll have my supervisor come and read you the specifications for your computer!"
Customer: "Um, I have the specs right here. And yes, this computer should have 2 megs of video memory. But it doesn't, and that is why I'm on the phone with you!" I finally managed to get the guy to give me the number of the local computer tech so I could take it in. The computer tech looked at it, said, "Hmm. It only has a 1 meg video card in it," traded it out, and I got my computer back.
The scariest thing about that call was what I left out. There were about four other things wrong with the computer at the same time -- and each garnered about the same level of response.
Video memory: 1 meg.
So I checked with a diagnostic program.
Video memory: 1 meg.
I called the tech support people about this.
Tech Support: "Oh, the Control Panel just tells you how much video memory you are using right now, you really do have 2 megs in there." Pardon me, but if my Windows 95 desktop takes up 1 meg of video memory just sitting there, we have a problem.
Tech Support: "Well, you need to go out and buy [a brand name diagnostic problem] and check the video memory, because that is the only one I know how to use. Don't worry, it'll tell you you have 2 megs of video memory." Um, I need to buy a $50 piece of software so that I can tell you something I already know?
Tech Support: "Well, this particular motherboard/chip/etc is registered with the FCC, and I have the specs right here! It has 2 megs of video memory!"
Customer: "Maybe the specs say so, but my computer doesn't."
Tech Support: "Well, you can just ask the FCC if you need to! Your computer is [a certain type], and that type has 2 megs of video memory -- so your computer does too."
Customer: "It is still under warranty. Can I have someone take a look at it and check to see if something is wrong? It only has 1 meg of video memory."
Tech Support: "No, it has 2!" He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between a written set of specifications and a material object -- namely, my computer.
Tech Support: "Here, I'll have my supervisor come and read you the specifications for your computer!"
Customer: "Um, I have the specs right here. And yes, this computer should have 2 megs of video memory. But it doesn't, and that is why I'm on the phone with you!" I finally managed to get the guy to give me the number of the local computer tech so I could take it in. The computer tech looked at it, said, "Hmm. It only has a 1 meg video card in it," traded it out, and I got my computer back.
The scariest thing about that call was what I left out. There were about four other things wrong with the computer at the same time -- and each garnered about the same level of response.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:27
I originally bought a certain brand of computer that supposedly came with a video card that had 2 megs of memory. After a while, noting that the screen graphics were moving very slowly, I went into the Windows 95 Control Panel to take a look.
Video memory: 1 meg.
So I checked with a diagnostic program.
Video memory: 1 meg.
I called the tech support people about this.
Tech Support: "Oh, the Control Panel just tells you how much video memory you are using right now, you really do have 2 megs in there." Pardon me, but if my Windows 95 desktop takes up 1 meg of video memory just sitting there, we have a problem.
Tech Support: "Well, you need to go out and buy [a brand name diagnostic problem] and check the video memory, because that is the only one I know how to use. Don't worry, it'll tell you you have 2 megs of video memory." Um, I need to buy a $50 piece of software so that I can tell you something I already know?
Tech Support: "Well, this particular motherboard/chip/etc is registered with the FCC, and I have the specs right here! It has 2 megs of video memory!"
Customer: "Maybe the specs say so, but my computer doesn't."
Tech Support: "Well, you can just ask the FCC if you need to! Your computer is [a certain type], and that type has 2 megs of video memory -- so your computer does too."
Customer: "It is still under warranty. Can I have someone take a look at it and check to see if something is wrong? It only has 1 meg of video memory."
Tech Support: "No, it has 2!" He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between a written set of specifications and a material object -- namely, my computer.
Tech Support: "Here, I'll have my supervisor come and read you the specifications for your computer!"
Customer: "Um, I have the specs right here. And yes, this computer should have 2 megs of video memory. But it doesn't, and that is why I'm on the phone with you!" I finally managed to get the guy to give me the number of the local computer tech so I could take it in. The computer tech looked at it, said, "Hmm. It only has a 1 meg video card in it," traded it out, and I got my computer back.
The scariest thing about that call was what I left out. There were about four other things wrong with the computer at the same time -- and each garnered about the same level of response.
Video memory: 1 meg.
So I checked with a diagnostic program.
Video memory: 1 meg.
I called the tech support people about this.
Tech Support: "Oh, the Control Panel just tells you how much video memory you are using right now, you really do have 2 megs in there." Pardon me, but if my Windows 95 desktop takes up 1 meg of video memory just sitting there, we have a problem.
Tech Support: "Well, you need to go out and buy [a brand name diagnostic problem] and check the video memory, because that is the only one I know how to use. Don't worry, it'll tell you you have 2 megs of video memory." Um, I need to buy a $50 piece of software so that I can tell you something I already know?
Tech Support: "Well, this particular motherboard/chip/etc is registered with the FCC, and I have the specs right here! It has 2 megs of video memory!"
Customer: "Maybe the specs say so, but my computer doesn't."
Tech Support: "Well, you can just ask the FCC if you need to! Your computer is [a certain type], and that type has 2 megs of video memory -- so your computer does too."
Customer: "It is still under warranty. Can I have someone take a look at it and check to see if something is wrong? It only has 1 meg of video memory."
Tech Support: "No, it has 2!" He couldn't seem to grasp the difference between a written set of specifications and a material object -- namely, my computer.
Tech Support: "Here, I'll have my supervisor come and read you the specifications for your computer!"
Customer: "Um, I have the specs right here. And yes, this computer should have 2 megs of video memory. But it doesn't, and that is why I'm on the phone with you!" I finally managed to get the guy to give me the number of the local computer tech so I could take it in. The computer tech looked at it, said, "Hmm. It only has a 1 meg video card in it," traded it out, and I got my computer back.
The scariest thing about that call was what I left out. There were about four other things wrong with the computer at the same time -- and each garnered about the same level of response.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:32
I got disconnected from my ISP and was unable to log back onto it -- my modem would connect and everything, but Dial-Up Networking couldn't get past verifying username and password. Nothing had changed in my setup, so I called my ISP's tech support.
Me: "I'm calling to report an outage with my dialup number."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's check your Dial-Up Networking settings." He didn't bother to check whether I was using Windows or MacOS.
Tech Support: "Are there any dashes in the phone number?"
Me: "No, but that wouldn't affect how my modem dials."
Tech Support: "Try removing the dashes anyway."
Me: "Ok. I should mention that I have no problem calling the number and connecting to a modem -- I connect at a full 49,333 each time. I just can't get past the verifying the username and password step. Is it possible that network maintenance is being done right now?"
Tech Support: "What state are you calling in, sir?"
Me: "California."
Tech Support: "One second, let me check. . . . No, don't see anything at all in California. You double checked your username and password, right?"
Me: "Yep. Nothing has changed in my setup. This was working just ten minutes ago."
Tech Support: "Have you tried any other dialup numbers?"
Me: "Yes. I tried the one in [city], which is a toll call for me. That one doesn't work either."
Tech Support: "Ok. Try adding three commas after your dialup number." Adding a comma in a modem dial string causes the modem to pause in its dialing for three seconds. This guy wanted me to add nine seconds of pause after the number had been dialed.
Me: "Um...what good would that do?"
Tech Support: "I dunno. I just notice that it always seems to help when I get busy signals."
Me: "But I'm not getting a busy signal! Like I said, I can connect just fine, physically. I just can't get logged on."
Tech Support: "Try the commas. I'm sure they'll help. Give it about fifteen minutes or so, and if you're still not able to connect, call us back."
Me: "Sir, I'm an experienced computer tech. I know that adding commas to my dialup number isn't going to change whether or not the authentication servers and routers are working. If anything, it's going to cause the modem on the other end to hang up before mine tries to connect to it."
Tech Support: "Ok, what's the dialup number you're calling, sir?"
Me: "[number]"
Tech Support: "Ok, lemme put you on hold for just a moment." (elevator music pause) "Sir, I just tried that dialup number, and it sounds all weird. Didn't sound like a modem."
Me: "Huh. Sounds just fine on my end when I connect to it."
Tech Support: "Well, I just called it, and it was giving off all sorts of weird tones and stuff. I can write this up as an incident report for you if you want."
Me: "How'd you try to connect to it?"
Tech Support: "I just called it."
Me: "What kind of modem?"
Tech Support: "No, I just called it."
Me: "Did it sound kinda like a fax?"
Tech Support: "Sort of."
Me: "Then there's nothing wrong with the dialup number itself. That's a V90 train sequence starting up there. Those little tones you're hearing are the modem trying to determine if you're a compatible V90 modem on the other end."
Tech Support: "Oh."
Me: "Look, I know exactly what's wrong, and what needs to be done to fix it. What's happening is that your routers in my area are down. Your technicians need to be made aware of it. If you could just let them know about it, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it real soon, if they haven't already."
Tech Support: "Well, why don't you give it about 15 to 20 minutes, and if it's not working by then, give us a call back and we'll see what we can do for you."
Me: "All right. Thanks for your time."
Tech Support: "Have a good evening, sir." (click) About fifteen minutes later, I was about ready to call them back, but then I actually managed to log on again. Unbelievable.
Me: "I'm calling to report an outage with my dialup number."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's check your Dial-Up Networking settings." He didn't bother to check whether I was using Windows or MacOS.
Tech Support: "Are there any dashes in the phone number?"
Me: "No, but that wouldn't affect how my modem dials."
Tech Support: "Try removing the dashes anyway."
Me: "Ok. I should mention that I have no problem calling the number and connecting to a modem -- I connect at a full 49,333 each time. I just can't get past the verifying the username and password step. Is it possible that network maintenance is being done right now?"
Tech Support: "What state are you calling in, sir?"
Me: "California."
Tech Support: "One second, let me check. . . . No, don't see anything at all in California. You double checked your username and password, right?"
Me: "Yep. Nothing has changed in my setup. This was working just ten minutes ago."
Tech Support: "Have you tried any other dialup numbers?"
Me: "Yes. I tried the one in [city], which is a toll call for me. That one doesn't work either."
Tech Support: "Ok. Try adding three commas after your dialup number." Adding a comma in a modem dial string causes the modem to pause in its dialing for three seconds. This guy wanted me to add nine seconds of pause after the number had been dialed.
Me: "Um...what good would that do?"
Tech Support: "I dunno. I just notice that it always seems to help when I get busy signals."
Me: "But I'm not getting a busy signal! Like I said, I can connect just fine, physically. I just can't get logged on."
Tech Support: "Try the commas. I'm sure they'll help. Give it about fifteen minutes or so, and if you're still not able to connect, call us back."
Me: "Sir, I'm an experienced computer tech. I know that adding commas to my dialup number isn't going to change whether or not the authentication servers and routers are working. If anything, it's going to cause the modem on the other end to hang up before mine tries to connect to it."
Tech Support: "Ok, what's the dialup number you're calling, sir?"
Me: "[number]"
Tech Support: "Ok, lemme put you on hold for just a moment." (elevator music pause) "Sir, I just tried that dialup number, and it sounds all weird. Didn't sound like a modem."
Me: "Huh. Sounds just fine on my end when I connect to it."
Tech Support: "Well, I just called it, and it was giving off all sorts of weird tones and stuff. I can write this up as an incident report for you if you want."
Me: "How'd you try to connect to it?"
Tech Support: "I just called it."
Me: "What kind of modem?"
Tech Support: "No, I just called it."
Me: "Did it sound kinda like a fax?"
Tech Support: "Sort of."
Me: "Then there's nothing wrong with the dialup number itself. That's a V90 train sequence starting up there. Those little tones you're hearing are the modem trying to determine if you're a compatible V90 modem on the other end."
Tech Support: "Oh."
Me: "Look, I know exactly what's wrong, and what needs to be done to fix it. What's happening is that your routers in my area are down. Your technicians need to be made aware of it. If you could just let them know about it, I'm sure they'll be able to fix it real soon, if they haven't already."
Tech Support: "Well, why don't you give it about 15 to 20 minutes, and if it's not working by then, give us a call back and we'll see what we can do for you."
Me: "All right. Thanks for your time."
Tech Support: "Have a good evening, sir." (click) About fifteen minutes later, I was about ready to call them back, but then I actually managed to log on again. Unbelievable.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 14:40
My new ISP was exhibiting extremely slow service. When my wife called to ask if they were having a problem, they told her no, everything was fine and maybe she should defragement the hard drive.
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 15:01
Customer: "Hi, I can't seem to connect you guys are you having a problem?"
Tech Support: "Well sir, what dialup software are you using?"
Customer: "The one you provided."
Tech Support: "And what version is it?"
Customer: (says the version number)
Tech Support: "Oh, that's the problem you need the latest version."
Customer: "Ok, how do I get it?"
Tech Support: "Well, just transfer the file via FTP."
Customer: "Well that would be nice, but I can't connect to the Internet."
Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) "I told you just to FTP the file sir." I hung up.
I had trouble downloading an operating system upgrade for a PDA, so I called tech support.
Me: "I can't seem to get this download to complete. What might be causing it?"
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Me: "Windows NT."
Tech Support: "Well, you have to be running Windows 98 or better in order to download it."
Me: "Ummm, I am. I'm running Windows NT4, SP5."
Tech Support: "Are you on a PC or a MAC?" [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
A friend of mine told me that when he was in junior high school (mid-to-late nineties), they got a computer in the classroom free for the students to use during breaks. The first thing many of them would do to was to change the dull Windows 95 desktop. The school's IT Manager for some reason thought of this as vandalism, so he frequently fixed it in the only way he knew how -- by reinstalling Windows.
I was almost on the floor laughing when my friend told me about how the IT Manager had come into their classroom one day and told the students, "Will you STOP changing the desktop background? I've had to reinstall Windows every day for the last two weeks now!"
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
Back when high-speed internet was first getting started, my parents wanted to hop on the bandwagon right away and called a technician to come set them up. At the time I was in junior high school and couldn't be there when the tech showed up.
It is important to note that although we were quick in getting high-speed Internet, we didn't have a particularly state-of-the-art machine. It didn't have a cdrom drive, for example, but I assumed the tech would be installing the software from a floppy.
Imagine my horror when I came home and found my mother trying to dig the CD out of our ancient 5 1/4" drive with a key, while the "tech" stood behind her, scratching his head and saying, "I've seriously never seen one of those before. Are you SURE it's not a cdrom drive?"
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
I was cleaning up my wife's little bit of webspace and found I couldn't delete the files in one folder. Since I could upload/rename/delete other files with any FTP client I chose, it was clearly a server problem.
Inexplicably, ownership of the files had been changed by the ISP. It took a transfer to the second tier support to fix the problem, but even at that level, I got asked this question:
Tech Support: "Do you have a firewall?"
Me: "!!! What's that have to do with the problem?"
Tech Support: "Um, I dunno." This is straight from a call log of a major computer company that happens to have technical support technicians in India and other points outside of the United States.
Problem Description: Client wants to know the MAC address for the computer. Advise client that I have no way of knowing or obtaining that information. Advise client that she would more than likely need to call Apple to see if they could point her in the direction of obtaining that. Client says that the MAC address is not a macintosh address. Client says that the MAC address can be obtained by doing an ipconfig /all. Client ended up disconnecting the call. During the call I believe I could hear someone else listening. Just before the call was ended by the client there was a something faintly said but I could not make it out.
Resolution: Advise client to contact Apple.
I'm not the most technical of people, but a few years ago, I got the infamous "blue screen of death." I called in the IT department, and the new guy told me that my monitor just had to be "de-gassed" (degaussed). Needless to say, I rolled around the floor laughing, and someone else was called in to replace my hard drive.
My boyfriend and I were sitting in my dorm room, when there was a power surge, causing my computer to reboot. Unfortunately, it never got very far and popped up an error message about a missing file. Panicking, I reboot again, and the same thing happened. Foolishly, I decided to call my computer's tech support line, and after struggling with their automated system, I finally got through to someone.
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you?"
Me: "Yeah, um, I just had a power surge in my dorm room, and my computer won't reboot. It's giving me the error message: [error message]"
Tech Support: "Have you tried rebooting?"
Me: "Yeah. Want me to try again?"
Tech Support: "Yes, go ahead. Tell me when Windows comes up."
Me: "Ok...it's giving me the same error message. It's not even getting into Windows."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try rebooting again, but this time, hold the button down for longer."
Me: "Er...how much longer?"
Tech Support: "About five seconds."
Me: "All right. Holding it down now...ok, it's rebooting."
Tech Support: "Good. Tell me when Windows comes up."
Me: "Same error."
Tech Support: "Ok. Let's try a hard reboot. Turn your computer all the way off, then unplug the power cable."
Me: (??) "All right, it's out."
Tech Support: "Ok, now hold down your power button and plug it back in. But don't let go of the power button yet."
Me: "Er. Ok. Tell me when to let go."
Tech Support: "Ok, let go. Tell me when Windows comes up."
Me: "Same error message. Windows isn't coming up."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try looking at your BIOS."
Me: "All right."
Tech Support: "Reboot your computer, and when it's coming up, hit F1 as many times as you can."
Me: "Can't I just hit it once?"
Tech Support: "No, your computer should start beeping. I want to make sure it beeps."
Me: "All right, it beeped. BIOS came up a while ago."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's walk through some things...." He proceeded to do nothing more than confirm there was nothing wrong with my BIOS. He had me reboot again, and, of course, I got the same error message.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try bios one more time."
Me: "All right."
Tech Support: "Now, when it's rebooting, I want you to hit the F1 key as many times as you can. It has to beep for this to work."
Me: "I really don't think my computer 'beeping' has anything to do with the problem."
Tech Support: "I think I know a little more about computers than you do, ma'am."
Me: "All right, fine, I'm hitting it. My computer is beeping."
Tech Support: "I don't believe you."
Me: "...Excuse me?"
Tech Support: "I think you're lying. I need you to hit it as many times as you can. This is very important." Finally, I gave up on the guy and made my boyfriend finish the call. About half a minute into the call, my boyfriend gets a really funny look on his face and ejects the floppy disk that was in the drive. He rebooted it, and it worked fine.
I suppose this doubles as a stupid user story too, but you'd think a tech support person would have checked for that early on, instead all the other dumb things he had me do.
I called up tech support because Internet Explorer insisted on opening everything I was trying to download with Quicktime.
Customer: "Internet Explorer insists on opening everything I try to download with Quicktime."
Tech Support: "Ok."
Customer: "So whenever I click on anything that I want to download it tries to open it with Quicktime."
Tech Support: "Are you sure that its not a Quicktime file?"
Customer: "No it's an exe file."
Tech Support: "So it's not a Quicktime file?"
Customer: "No, and I can't right click either, to do a Save Target As."
Tech Support: "Oh, but you're sure it's not a Quicktime file, right?"
Customer: "Yes, it is an executable file, DOT E X E, not DOT M O V."
Tech Support: "Is it a .exe that can be opened in Quicktime?" I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America's largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages, I called to demand what the problem was.
Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?"
Me: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end."
Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--"
Me: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX." This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one.
Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem."
Me: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network."
Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac." Er....
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC."
Me: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98."
Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs."
Me: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC."
Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here."
Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?" This incident happened to me in India. This was in 1992-3 when Windows 3.1 was becoming popular. My machine had a CGA card and monitor, which I exchanged for a VGA card and monitor. The machine booted up -- there were no warning beeps -- but nothing was appearing on the screen. So I called up tech support.
Customer: "The computer boots up without any warning beeps, but nothing shows up on the screen."
Tech Support: "Is the monitor connected."
Customer: "Yes, but there is no display."
Tech Support: "Did you install the drivers for the VGA card?"
Customer: "How can I install them before I'm in DOS?"
Tech Support: "You have to install the drivers first before you can get a display."
Customer: "You don't need VGA drivers to boot to DOS like you do for Windows. I should be able to boot to DOS."
Tech Support: "Well, insert the floppy you received with your card. Go to the A:\Utilities directory. Type 'readme.com'."
Customer: "I cannot see anything. How do you expect me to read a file on the screen?"
Tech Support: "Read the file, and it will explain everything." I hung up. The problem was that the monitor was broken. I took it to the shop and proved it, and they gave me a replacement.
After owning my computer for a little over two months I noticed the system was sluggish.
Me: "My system's really slow on bootup."
Tech Support: "Have you been on the net for a long time?"
Me: "Well, yeah, about a month or two."
Tech Support: "Try deleting the cache. Oh, and do you have a virus scanner?"
Me: "Yes, it was the first thing I put on the hard drive."
Tech Support: "Oh, get rid of it. That's the problem. Those virus scanners screw things up on your disk. Get rid of it."
Me: "Isn't that risky?"
Tech Support: "And you'll have to format your hard drive with Quick Reinstall. That's really all I know."
Me: "Um...sure. Sure I will." A friend cleaned up my system path, and the boot lag cleared right up. And guess what? I didn't have to format my hard drive after all.
My school district decided to require us school psychologists to do all our reports on laptops and print from a single printer. After a few months the laptop they provided me ceased to work with the printer. I spoke with the IT Manager.
IT Manager: "I don't know if the problem is a hardware problem or a software problem."
Me: "Ok."
IT Manager: "So I can't solve the problem now."
Me: "When can you solve it?"
IT Manager: "I told you: I don't know if it is a hardware problem or a software problem. I can't fix it until I know."
Me: "Ok. I need to print my reports. When will I be able to?"
IT Manager: (angrily) "Look, if it's a hardware problem I can't fix it! I don't know if it is a hardware or a software problem." I made several more attempts to communicate with the IT manager about this problem over the next few weeks, only to find myself in the same conversation. Finally, I sent a memo to my boss, explaining that I was having difficulty getting tech support and could not print out my reports. My boss wrote back:
Boss: "Please do not harass the IT Manager anymore. He has already explained to you that he doesn't know whether it is a software problem or a hardware problem."
Technician: "What a bad day! The PC is not working well, the phone is out of order, and I wounded my fingers when trimming the network plug with a knife to fit the PC hole." A few weeks ago I was calling around to some local phone companies, looking for DSL. I have cable right now, but I'm extremely unhappy with the pathetic support they give. Anyway, the phone company is one of the main providers of DSL, so I called their number to ask some questions.
Me: "I want to get more information about the DSL."
Her: "What would you like to know?"
Me: "Is the 768K download in bits or bytes? I'm assuming bits."
Her: "I believe it's in bytes."
Me: "So you are giving me faster than my cable connection for cheaper? Are you sure its not 768 kilobits, which is about 96 kilobytes?"
Her: "I'm pretty sure it's 768 kilobytes."
Me: "Ok, that works. As for the IP address, is it static or dynamic?"
Her: "It's dymanic."
Me: "Oh, ok. So how often does it change?"
Her: "The only time it ever changes is when you go in there and change it."
Me: "Ummmm, then how would that be dynamic if it never changes?"
Her: (click) Ok, so, strike one. The girl in tech support didn't know what she was talking about, so she hung up on me.
I called back, and this time a man answered the phone. I told him the girl was not only clueless but hung up on me, and I am already considering not using them. He said he would try to help.
I asked him the same questions. The download speed is 768 kilobits. The IP address is dynamic and changes every few hours. But he couldn't answer anything else: he didn't know where I would get the DSL modem from, if they are using internal DHCP, how the changing IP address will affect my connectivity and downloads, etc. He finally admitted that at that particular call center, they really don't know much about it. He gave me a number for tech support.
I called that number and a lady answered. She gave me a set of responses that were different still.
I finally wrote in to their customer service and told them that after one person clearly had no clue what she was talking about and hung up on me, a second was guessing and admitted he didn't know, and tech support gave me completely different answers, I will not be using their services. The next day I received a reply. The man who replied basically said he was sorry for such bad service, and please call the following number for support. It was the number I dialed the first time.
I use a cable modem company for my Internet service. One day, it was not working. So I called our neighbors down the street and found that theirs was not working either. I decided to call tech support to see if it was down in our area. The message did not list it, so I went ahead to ask tech support.
Tech Support: "Oh, we've been getting a lot of calls from that area today."
Customer: "So service down in this area, then?"
Tech Support: "Hmmm, well, my records don't show that. Okay, let's check your settings."
Customer: "I've already checked my settings; they are fine. But I can see that the light on the cable modem isn't on. I just want to know if service is down and if someone is working on the problem."
Tech Support: "Hmmm, the problem isn't on our end, it's on your end. Maybe you should try to re-install your drivers. Sometimes the drivers just fail."
Customer: "Ma'am, we have five computers connected to the cable modem? None of them can get online. Are you saying all their drivers failed simultaneously?"
Tech Support: "Oh, your computers are networked? Well, we don't support networks."
Customer: "That's fine, I have my PC connected directly to the cable modem right now."
Tech Support: "Well, just re-install your modem drivers. Go to Control Panel...."
Customer: "Wait, you are telling me that five PCs of five different brands with five different drivers failed simultaneously? And how about the rest of the area? I think your service is down."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, I think it's your drivers."
Customer: "Uh, thanks, I'll check it out and call you back." I called back 30 minutes later. It turns out service was down in our area.
About a year ago, my mother was having problems with her brand new computer. She hadn't had it for a month before the video card died. She called the customer service line and spoke with a technical support representative, who diagnosed the problem and promised that they would send a new card to her.
She received the new card and called the 800 number again, this time asking what to do with the card. The guy that was helping her said, "Do you see the screws on the back of the computer? Well, take them all out and take off the case. You will see a card that looks like the one you just received. Replace it with the card you have and put the case back on." And then he hung up.
So here is my mother, staring at the back of her computer, seeing an array of screws, and wondering which ones she should take out. She followed his directions to the letter and unscrewed all of the screws on the back of her computer, not just the ones around the casing edge. All of her computer components hit the bottom of the case with a bang.
When the dust settled and she realized what she had done, she called back, in hysterics. Thankfully, she got a nice woman who understood and agreed that it was the tech support guy's fault for not staying with her on the phone. She agreed to ship her a new computer at no charge.
When I was in college, I needed to connect to the school's network from my own computer in my dorm room. I knew there was a dial-up number that would allow me to log in and run limited commands. All I needed to know was the number. So I called the help desk.
Me: "I'm trying to access the University's network from my computer in my dorm room. Can you help me?"
Help Desk: "Which lab are you in?"
Me: "I'm not in a lab. I'm in my room."
Help Desk: "Then you're not on the network."
Me: "But I want to connect over the phone line. What number do I need to dial?"
Help Desk: "You need to call [phone number of help desk]."
Me: "No, that's your phone number. I need a dial-up number for the computer."
Help Desk: "I don't understand. What are you trying to do?"
Me: "I want to connect my computer to the school's network through the dial-up."
Help Desk: "Why don't you use a computer in the lab?"
Me: "That would defeat the purpose of having a computer in my room."
Help Desk: "Well, your computer is not connected to the school network."
Me: "I know! I want to use my modem to connect."
Help Desk: "What's a modem?"
Me: "Never mind."
Me: "I was thinking of installing Linux, but I was wondering if you knew if the modem works under Linux."
Tech Support: "Oh, I'm sorry, we only support Windows."
Me: "I know. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible."
Tech Support: "But we only support Windows."
Me: "I know, but just to save me some time, have you heard of anyone that got Linux to work with the modem?"
Tech Support: (getting annoyed) "Why can't you just use Netscape?"
Me: "Uh, wha? It's not a browser, it's a--never mind. Thanks for your help."
Customer: "When my computer boots up, all I get is a black screen that says, 'boot2/'."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?"
Customer: "I'm using Windows 98 and NT 4.0."
Tech Support: "Ok, I'm the Mac tech. The Windows tech is gone, but I can try to help you."
Customer: "Ok, what should I do? I've reformatted the hard drive and have fresh installs of both operating systems."
Tech Support: "Sir, have you put any cheese or mustard in your a drive?"
Customer: "What? Did you just ask me if I put cheese or mustard in my floppy drive?"
Tech Support: "Yeah, we've had that happen a lot lately."
Customer: (staring blankly at roommate, who was laughing uncontrollably on the floor) "I think I'll wait for the PC tech to get back. Thanks for the help." (click) Last term in college I was working in the lab when my network connection suddenly died. Mine was the only computer doing that, and we're not supposed to mess with the computers ourselves, so I called the lab attendant over.
This guy was a fourth term programming major. I don't know how he was this stupid. But I told him what was wrong and what error message I was getting ("no route to host") and figured he'd go behind the computer and check the wires.
No. He brought up the menu on the monitor (that allows you to adjust the size, shape, tint, brightness, etc, of the display) and starts fiddling with that. He told me to try again. Obviously it didn't work.
Me: "Why don't you just check the network wires?"
Him: "I'm the computer expert here. Just let me work." He fiddled with the monitor settings some more. Finally he slapped the monitor and said:
Him: "Well, I don't know what's wrong. That's what they get for having NT servers." When he left, I checked the back of the computer. As I thought, the wire had gotten pulled out.
Me: "Yes, I'm having trouble with the connect suite for dial-up."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Me: "I get random disconnects, I can't always get the dialer to work, and web pages often give strange time-out errors. I set everything up according to the documentation." I thought, at this juncture, I'd get the usual "let's go through the setup just to be sure" routine. I was wrong.
Tech Support: "Yes, well, that program doesn't work on everyone's computer."
Me: "I know that. It doesn't work on mine, for instance."
Tech Support: "Well, we don't know why it doesn't always work. You should consider getting a new computer." My company recently hired a new technician, and at first he seemed to know what he was doing, but soon he got in over his head. A customer brought in a system and said she couldn't get on the Internet. When the tech couldn't get the plug-n-play modem to work under Win3.11, he assumed it was a new modem, and it couldn't be done. He called her.
Tech Support: "Ok, this modem, since it is plug-n-play, will not work in Windows 3.11. You'll have to get a new modem or install the Windows 95 upgrade."
Customer: "But I've been using that modem for over a year in Windows 3.11, and it never gave me any problems."
Tech Support: "Well it doesn't work now."
Customer: "If it worked before, why would it not work now?"
Tech Support: "Lightning must have hit it, and now it won't work in anything but Windows 95." She called back later and asked for someone else.
A year ago, I was programming a database for one of the larger insurance companies in my state. The computers they had were awful things that still ran Windows 3.1 and took about three minutes to boot up.
One morning I turned on my computer and waited for it to boot. Just as it loaded Windows, it started rebooting all over again. I waited again, and it did it again. After about ten times, I began to wonder. I would have just loaded DOS and found the problem, but one of the security systems on the computers there automatically rebooted the computer if you went to a DOS prompt.
So I called tech support and explained the problem.
Tech Support: "Ok sir, have you tried rebooting the computer?" I have a Pentium 100 that I bought in March 1996. I moved since then and lost the documentation about the motherboard. I called tech support.
Me: "Hi, I have a Pentium 100, and I want to put in a faster processor, a 133 MHz. I lost my motherboard documentation and the jumpers aren't marked. Can you tell me what the maximum is for the board I have?" I give him all the information he needs, restating the question three times in the process.
Tech Support: "I don't have that information."
Me: "You guys built the machine. Don't you have an engineer somewhere with this information?"
Tech Support: "Um, I don't know let me ask." Ten minutes later:
Tech Support: "Ok, I am going to transfer you to a technician."
Technician: "Ok, you want to put a 133 processor on this board?"
Me: "Yes."
Technician: "This board only goes up to 100 MHz. You can use it with Pentium 75, 90, or 100."
Me: "That's a disappointment -- I wish you hadn't sent me a machine with no upgrade flexibility like that."
Technician: "Well, you can put the P133 in -- it will run at 133, even though when it boots it will only say 100."
Me: "REALLY? In the five years I have been working with PC hardware and software, and of all the machines I have upgraded, I have never heard of this. Are you sure you are correct?"
Technician: (long pause) "Um, no."
Me: "You just wanted to get me off the phone, right? Well, I just wanted the answer about my board -- if the answer is no, fine, but don't lie to me."
Technician: "Um, sorry. No, you can't upgrade that board to a processor faster than 100."
Me: "Hi, I have a problem with my left speaker, no sound is coming out of it."
Tech Support: "Have you adjusted the balance in the volume properties?"
Me: "Yes, it's definitely not that, and it's not a sound card or connection problem either. Could you just send me some new speakers? It's still under warranty."
Tech Support: "Errrm, ok, I want you to go to DOS and type 'format c:' and then restore your hard disk from the master CD."
Me: (click) I called my cable modem service about a problem involving a series of constant disconnections and lock ups.
Tech Support: "Oh, you need to empty your browser's cache."
Me: "Well, that's a different program."
Tech Support: "Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
Me: "Internet Explorer."
Tech Support: "Ok, click on View/Properties/Internet Options."
Me: "I'm sorry but cache files from an entirely different program couldn't possibly be causing this."
Tech Support: "Hmm, let me refer you to advanced technical support." The advanced technician knew exactly what the problem was and solved it. A month later it happened again.
Tech Support: "When was the last time you cleaned your browser's cache?" Yet again I was forwarded to advanced tech support, and my problem was solved. A while later, it happened a third time.
Tech Support: "Oh, it's the cable line in your area. We'll get a truck rolling on it right away."
Me: "If it's the cable line, how am I able to connect at all?"
Tech Support: "There could be a short in one of the lines, and that could be causing it." The next day the cable repairman arrived and checked the lines in my area, but my service was again working flawlessly even before he arrived. When he left, I turned on the TV and noticed the cable was out.
I'm a system administrator for a fairly large company. We were shipping out new desktop PC's to all our branches, but the PC's did not come with installed modems. I installed modems in these machines and configured all the necessary software before I shipped them out. I received a call from one branch manager stating that his modem would not work. I had his try all the standard tests, and it appeared that the modem had become unseated.
He called the IS director and asked why I hadn't tested the machine before I sent it. I tried to explain that I did, and the card had become unseated in shipping. The IS director, knowing that I install PCanywhere on all machines so I can troubleshoot from my office, asked, "Can't we use PCanywhere to dial in and fix that?"
I had just come across a Compaq 386 Deskpro motherboard. Since I was just getting into PCs, I thought it would be cool to wire it up for my brother. But I had no idea what the pinout for the power supply plug was, as it was non-standard. So I called up Compaq tech support.
Me: "I just got an old 386 Deskpro motherboard, and I wondered if I could get a pinout for the power supply plug, so I can power it up and see if it works."
Tech Support: "What happens when you turn it on?"
Me: "Ummm...nothing, I don't have a power supply for it. I need a pinout to wire up a standard power supply."
Tech Support: "I see. Can you get into Windows?" About two years ago I signed up with a local ISP. They gave me some software to install and said it would take up to five days for my account to be activated. I installed the software, but five days later I still couldn't get on. I waited two more days, then called to find out what the problem was. The tech support person said he would check on it and call me back. Four hours later, I still hadn't received a call, so I called again. The same guy answered the phone. I asked if he had figured anything out. He replied that he had not. I told him if he couldn't fix the problem, I wanted to cancel my service. He stammered and told me he really didn't know that much about computers, but he didn't want to lose my business.
At this point I completely lost my patience and told him to cancel the account immediately. He told me that to cancel my account I had to send them email from it.
I called the TurboTax support number for help with the online filing of my taxes. Here is my dialog with the "tech support" person:
Tech Support: "How can I help?"
Me: "I'm having a timeout problem when filing online. The modem dials up ok, but after connecting I get a timeout error."
Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?"
Me: "A MultiTech 28.8."
Tech Support: (pause) "We only support 9600 baud. What's 28.8?"
Me: "Twenty-eight point eight K-baud."
Tech Support: "What's K-baud?" While looking into DSL, I came across a number for a large service provider and called to get details. When the tech support person got up to the speed of the connection, she said:
Tech Support: "1.54mbit up/down."
Me: (after some calculations) "Hmmm. That's about 173KB/sec, right?"
Tech Support: (pause; sound of typing) "No, that's 1.54MB/sec."
Me: "No, that's the speed in bits per second. I wondered what it was in bytes per second."
Tech Support: (pause) "No, it's 1.54MB/sec."
Me: "No, 8 bits equals 1 byte--"
Tech Support: "No, bits and bytes are the same thing!"
Me: "Um, that's not true. That's why a 56K modem is a 56kbit modem that usually gets 5 KB/sec transfer rates."
Tech Support: "Well that's because people take out the dot when they say it. It's actually 5.6kbit or 5.6kbyte. The .6kbyte is just lost in the connection." As a networking consultant called in to a new client, one of the things I like to do is go over their bills to make sure they are getting what they are paying for from ISPs, telcos, etc. On one occasion, I discovered that a client was paying an ISP for 20 email mailboxes that they hadn't used in years. I called the ISP's customer support to cancel the mailboxes.
Me: "Yes, I notice I'm paying $100/month for 20 email boxes I'm not using. I'd like to cancel them all."
Tech Support: (after verifying our account information and getting the details of the account displayed) "No problem, sir. What I'd like you to do is fax me a list of all the boxes you'd like to cancel, and I'll do it this afternoon."
Me: "Well, I can't really do that, because I don't have a list of these email names. I just have a bill. We haven't used these names in probably two years. Just cancel them all."
Tech Support: "It's all right, sir. I have them here. I'll read them to you." She proceeded to read me names, and like an idiot I jotted them down until it dawned on me what we were doing.
Me: "Hold on. You're going to read me all 20 names?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Me: "So I can write them down and fax them back to you??"
Tech Support: "That is our policy, sir."
Me: "Am I the only one who thinks this is absurd?" My husband and I helped our church get online. We installed a new modem, checked everything out and then after doing some research on local ISPs we chose a reputable one that would give the church a good deal.
Netscape came with the modem's communications software, but it was an old version. After getting everything going we started to download Netscape's upgrade. The ISP kept hanging up ten minutes after starting the download. We checked all the settings. Everything checked out fine, but we were still experiencing the problem. It would even disconnect while downloading email.
I asked the church's secretary to call the ISP's tech support number the following morning. The next morning she called me back and reported that the ISP tech support person had told her she needed to reformat her computer and reinstall Windows.
I called the tech support person myself.
Me: "I can't believe you told her that! You told her that? That's preposperous! This is not a software problem, this is a problem with the ISP. What does this have to do with email downloads and getting disconnected?"
Tech Support: "Look, this is a common problem. I can't even download email without it disconnecting. It is like that with all ISPs. This is what we tell all our customers who have this problem. You see, SMTP stands for--"
Me: "I don't think you have any idea what you are talking about. I am with Netcom, and this has never happened to me." I was getting several "illegal operation" errors on a new Windows 95 machine I was trying out. So I called tech support.
Customer: "I want to buy this computer, but I'm a little concerned that I'm getting so many error messages. Is that common with this machine?"
Tech Support: "Well, we have to reformat the hard disk and reinstall the software every day. That's normal."
Customer: "Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that I will have to reinstall Windows every single time I use the computer?!?"
Tech Support: "When it has errors, ma'am, that's the only way to get rid of them." Needless to say, I purchased my computer elsewhere, from a store and salesmen that had a clue.
I had a problem with my computer. Out of the clear blue, the sound card disappeared from my hardware settings. After trying to get Windows 95 to re-install it, I gave up -- Win95 consistently told me that the card was a Soundblaster, and I knew it wasn't. But I didn't know what kind it was, and the manuals that came with the computer didn't say. I called tech support, and they asked me what had been installed on the system since I bought it. "Microsoft Office, and Plus" I said.
They told me that was the problem. They told me I wasn't ever supposed to install anything on the machine except for what came with it originally. Then they told me to reformat my hard drive and re-install everything from the setup CD.
I asked to speak with this guy's supervisor, and he told me the same thing.
In the 1980s, I did not know what fdisk was or how to use it, so I called tech support and left a message on their answering machine. I spoke very clearly and left the message: "My hard drive crashed, and I've been told that I need to do a low-level format before I can restore from my tape backup. How do I low-level format my hard drive?"
The next day, our receptionist handed me this message from the tech support team: "Put the floppy diskette in the drive and type format a: and hit enter."
This weekend, my father brought over his new laptop, purchased at a major retailer. It was taking 4-5 minutes to boot into the OS. It was discovered that there were several utilities loading during startup, some of them multiple times. Not wanting to void the support warranty, we called tech support. After my father related the problem, they talked him through removal and unchecking of many of the options. A reboot then took about 2.5 minutes, still quite a long time. When he asked what else could be done, he was told, "Just reboot a few more times. It should get faster as it works in." We just sat there with our mouths open.
I was working as a student placement at a rather large company last year. One of our backup tape drives was acting up, and nothing I could do fixed it. So I phoned support. The first thing the guy asked, after half an hour of detail-taking, was:
Tech Support: "Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Well, that'll be your problem. Use a new tape every time, and that'll fix it." I was rather skeptical about this but decided to try it anyway. Of course, it didn't work. So I rang support again and got a different guy.
Tech Support: "Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?"
Customer: "Yes!" (enthusiastically)
Tech Support: "Oh, well, that'll be your problem then. Every new tape that's used clogs up the drive." I bought a laptop with a DVD drive and S-video output, thinking to use it, among other things, to play DVDs on my TV. The S-video output worked fine until I tried to play DVDs, when it switched back to the laptop's monitor. So I called tech support.
Tech Support: "It's not supposed to work, because the resolution would degrade too much."
Customer: "But this is DVD; they're designed for TV sets."
Tech Support: "No. You see, it looks really great on your computer monitor, but the TV doesn't have as good resolution."
Customer: "But DVDs aren't SUPPOSED to use all that resolution. They're supposed to be shown on TV sets. Anyway, do you have a solution for me?"
Tech Support: "Well, if you'd get an HDTV, it would work fine!" As it turns out, he was right about one thing -- it wasn't supposed to work. Buried in the documentation of the MPEG decoder is a line that the card didn't support interlaced displays.
The company is now dead, so I can mention this one by name:
Tech Support: (an elderly sounding woman) "Hello, Commodore customer service. May I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, I'm trying to find the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set."
Tech Support: "You want to format a disk? Lemme see..." (paper rustles)
Customer: "No. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for DMCS."
Tech Support: "Oh, yes. I've got documentation here." (paper rustles) "Ok, to format a disk, first you--"
Customer: "No, no...I'm looking for the file format for--"
Tech Support: "You want to format a file? I umm..." (paper rustles again)
Customer: "NO... I DO NOT WANT TO FORMAT A FILE!"
Tech Support: "Ok, well, to format a disk, you--"
Customer: "NO! I don't want to format a disk. I'm a programmer. I'm trying to find some documentation on--"
Tech Support: "We have documentation."
Customer: "Yes, I understand. But I'm looking for specific documentation on software that I bought through Commodore. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set--"
Tech Support: (paper rustles) "You want to format a file?"
Customer: "No, I-- Is there someone else there I can talk to?"
Tech Support: "No. No one here but me." I tried in vain for other contact numbers or the vendor of the software (contact information for that software was conspicuously missing in my software and documentation). Some hours later I called the same number above and got someone who gave me decent information. He had no clue what woman I talked to earlier. Could have been janitorial staff for all I knew.
I was troubleshooting a powerbook for a user, which had been flaky all of it's short life, when it refused to boot and I could smell something smoldering. Clearly there was a short-circuit somewhere, probably in the power supply. I called Apple to get it repaired under the warranty.
Me: "Hi, I have a problem with a powerbook. It has developed a short circuit, probably in the power supply. I need an RMA number so I can send it back; it's still under warranty.
Tech Support: "Please describe the symptoms."
Me: "Um, there is a short circuit somewhere. I'd guess it's a bad power supply. I can smell smoldering when I try to power it on, and it won't boot, and the screen is just a pattern of lines.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try troubleshooting this."
Me: "There's nothing to troubleshoot. I need an RMA number so I can send it back under warranty.
Tech Support: "Well, you just described three problems to me. We'll tackle each one and see how many we can fix."
Me: (frustrated) "There's only one problem, a short circuit in the power supply. Something's burning inside the case; I can smell it when I power it on."
Tech Support: (as to a child) "You said that you smell smoke, that it won't boot, and that there are funny lines on the screen. We'll tackle each of these one at a time. Now, let's start the troubleshooting and see if we can get it to boot." At this point, I mumbled something about the phone not being near the computer and hung up.
The punch line is that, after the thing was shipped to Apple (twice), it got stolen from the shipping agent's truck, and we got a brand new model.
I had just bought a new laser printer in the US when I received a very good job offer for the summer in Europe. So I called the printer manufacturer's help desk to find out if I could use the printer in Europe with 220 volts, or if they had a low cost transformer.
Me: "Hello, I have just bought your new (printer model), and I was wondering if I can use it in Europe with 220 volts?"
Tech Support: "Hmmm...let me see.... Here, ok, it says that the printer works with 120 volts, so 220 volts should be enough."
Me: "What?! If it is made only for 120 volts, and I hook it up to 220 volts, it's going to fry."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. You may need a surge protector." I'm an American living in Switzerland. I prefer English software, and the easiest way to get it is to buy directly from the United States.
So, we've recently purchased software from [a company] in the States. It had a few problems, so I called the international support line, and please note the word 'international'.
After 45 minutes of listening to bad music at peak international phone rates, someone came on the line. It's a known problem, he said, and he'd send an update right out -- he'd just need my address.
He asked for my street. He asked for my city. He asked for my state. Oops, I'm in Switzerland, and the 'state' field doesn't apply. The tech is very apologetic, but his software won't let him leave the field blank. Ok, I said, I'm from Texas, so just put Texas in there. Amazingly, the software accepts my four digit zip code. But he never asked me for my country, so I double checked. No, there was no place for him to enter a country. So he wrote my address down and said he'd sort it out later.
Weeks later, the update still hadn't arrived. I called back, waiting "only" twenty minutes this time. They checked, found my order, and told me it had been sent to Canada and been returned as undeliverable. I corrected the mistake, and the update arrived a few days later in spite of the fact that it was addressed to "Swaziland."
I have no idea if this company ever updated their software so the international help line could support international addresses.
Me: "Does your Internet provider support multicasting?"
Tech Support: "Yes. Just download it onto your PC and it'll work fine."
Customer: "I seem to have lost my IP address can you tell me what it is?"
Tech Support: "Just a minute, I'll check." (pause) "You're using Win95 aren't you? It's a bit complicated. Click on Start."
Customer: "Ok, I don't need to do that--"
Tech Support: "Please do it my way, click on Start."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now click on Settings...Control Panel...Networks...TCP/IP...and now on Protocols, and there you are."
Customer: "Yes, that's where I was when I called you."
Tech Support: "Well why call me? That's where your IP address is, right in front of you."
Customer: "Well, that's where it should be, but mine's all blank."
Tech Support: "Well, what do you want me to do?"
Customer: "Can you tell me what it is?"
Tech Support: "Of course, just a second...why didn't you ask me that in the first place?"
Customer: "I can't seem to connect. Is there a problem on your end?"
Tech Support: "No. Let's check a few things." "We" check.
Tech Support: "Ok, looks like you'll have to re-install your net software. Do you still have the disks we sent you?"
Customer: "I've been using you guys as an ISP fully a year before you had handy install disks for common software."
Tech Support: (pause -- he clearly doesn't comprehend how that's even possible) "Well, then you'll have to re-install Windows."
Customer: "I don't think so. Can I talk to someone else?"
Tech Support: "Um...just a sec." (several minute pause) "You there?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "We're down in your area."
Customer: (dryly) "Thank you very much." One of our clients, an ISP, gave us a free account to use to test their service and help us write the documentation and marketing copy for them. I set the system up, logged on, and handed it over to my assistant.
After about thirty minutes I passed by and noticed they were on the phone to the technical support line, reporting a problem with the connection. I checked what the problem was with my assistant who told me that the web site they were supposed to connect to wasn't answering. I checked -- sure enough the connection just timed out with the usual 'Unable to connect to server' error. I tried a ping to the server and got no response, then decided to speak to the tech support person myself.
He was convinced the problem was with our dial-up connection, but as soon as I got on the phone I suggested the server was down and asked if he could check it with someone. He refused and we spent the next forty minutes trying various things on our machine to get the connection working. Finally I stopped him:
Me: "Look, I'm a technical consultant who tells other ISP's how to set up their services. I was a founder member of the largest ISP in the UK, I think I know the difference between your server being down and a probem with my machine."
Tech Support: "I've set up two ISPs myself, I know what I'm doing, sir."
Me: "You may well have set two ISPs up, but your server is currently down. Can I speak to your supervisor? I don't have time to waste checking things I know aren't wrong."
Tech Support: "Hang on a second -- I'll just check something." (pause) "It looks like our server is down."
Me: "I told you that 45 minutes ago. Why didn't you check that when I first asked -- we could have both saved ourselves a heck of a lot of time."
Tech Support: "Well, we have to go through this procedure of checking the caller's machine."
Me: "I'm having problems connecting to sites outside the University."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?"
Me: "The latest version of Linux."
Tech Support: "What programs are you currently running?"
Me: "Nothing much -- ftp, telnet, X, Netscape, sendmail..."
Tech Support: "It's not our fault you can't connect anywhere if you're running sendmail. You have to get mail centrally."
Me: "But sendmail has nothing to do with ftp access, web access, or anything else."
Tech Support: "It's not our problem." Three months later, it was announced on the University web site that there was an "untraced fault" on the network, and everyone had to reduce the MTU on their computers to 1498. A few talks with various technicians revealed that this had been known and repeatedly reported by a great many people, who had received just as unfriendly a response as I had, over those 3 months. The official story was that the technicians were waiting to see if the problem would clear up on its own. It took another six months of complaints before they finally got someone in to fix the router.
I recently signed up for a 640kbps ADSL line with a borrowed router. We have four computers in our household, with a perfectly working LAN. But after trying to set up the ADSL settings, there was still no connection to the Internet. I thought it was an ISP problem, so I phoned to the tech support. I explained the problem, and...
Me: "...If I ping any computer everything works fin--"
Tech Support: "You what?"
Me: "If I ping any comp--"
Tech Support: "No, I didn't get what you did. Ping, right?"
Me: "Yes, ping. You know, when you write 'ping' and an IP address to see if the network is working."
Tech Support: "Write where?"
Me: "At a command prompt."
Tech Support: "It is better for you to upgrade to Windows XP. DOS is outdated."
Me: "I run Windows 2000. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you'll see a Command Prompt icon. That's where I type 'ping'."
Tech Support: "Oooooooooooh, I see, I see. Now I remember. Maybe the LAN isn't working."
Me: "No, I told you, the LAN was set up well before the ADSL contract and is perfectly fine."
Tech Support: "Mhm. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you'll see a Command Prompt icon. You'll get a black window. Write p-i-n-g-space-[an IP address]."
Me: "..."
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Me: "Done. All packets lost."
Tech Support: "You have a LAN, don't you? Try to ping your PCs and the router. To do so, go to Start, Progr--"
Me: "I know." And so on, for almost an hour. The problem never got solved. Later I swapped out the router, and it worked. So I called back to see if I could have a replacement router.
Tech Support: "So, you tried to exchange the router with a new one and it worked?"
Me: "Yes, it could be defective."
Tech Support: "Yes, it could. Which brand of router did you have?"
Me: "A Cisco one."
Tech Support: "Ah. Does Cisco make routers?" I hung up, and later I cancelled.
I had a problem with using my PPP connection through Linux. The data transfers were really slow sometimes but fine at others. I played with it for a while, then finally called the help desk. I was on hold for twenty minutes, then:
Tech Support: "Hi. How can I help you?"
Me: "Hi. I'm trying to hook up my Linux box via PPP, and I'm running into some problems. It works fine under 95, but I can't seem to get it to connect right under Linux. I can resolve hostnames and even --"
Tech Support: "Um, sir -- what kind of computer is it?"
Me: "IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra."
Tech Support: "Ok -- what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?" I slap my forehead.
Me: "This is Linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock."
Tech Support: "Oh - it's a DOS program?"
Me: "No. It's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under 95."
Tech Support: "Well, have you tried running this program under Windows 95 then?"
Me: "No, it is an operating system. It doesn't run under another operating system."
Tech Support: "Oh. Ok, so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?" Murderous thoughts are going through my head. After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands that Winsock won't run on Linux for some weird reason.
Me: "So can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?"
Tech Support: "Sure. I just need to get some info from you." She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and brand, then we get interesting again.
Tech Support: "Ok, so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows 95?"
Me: "Neither. It's Linux."
Tech Support: "Which type of Windows does it run under though?"
Me: "Neither! It runs on its own!"
Tech Support: "Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only support Windows 3.1 and Windows 95."
Me: "WHAT?!?"
Tech Support: "Sorry. That's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day." [click]
Me: "The ethernet card you supplied doesn't work under Linux."
Tech Support: "Have you installed the DOS drivers?"
Me: "I'm using Linux, so the DOS drivers won't work."
Tech Support: "Why not?" I was a manager in an IT department who had a network of around 100 point-of-sale (POS) computers spread all over Australia. One of our shops, about 2000 miles away, called with a problem. The motherboard appeared to be broken. I called one of our technicians who was in the area and asked him to go over and swap out the hard drive from the machine with the broken motherboard into a machine that was in the store room which I figured was working fine -- that way the shop wouldn't lose any of its data.
The technician called me later and said he couldn't figure out how to get the hard drive out of the machine. To understand what he was looking at, I dismantled a spare machine I had. Thankfully IBM made the machines easy to service -- lots of diagrams and instructions on the inside of the case. You just had to get into it first. The hard drive was mounted on a tray which was designed to slide out smoothly once a retaining clip had been pressed. Then it would be easy to unplug the drive and slide a new one in.
No matter how much I described, cajoled, and threatened the technician, he could not figure out how to get the hard drive out. He finally got sick of it, got in his car and drove away, leaving the shop with frustrated customers. I called the technician's manager and explained the situation. But he wasn't too interested either, saying we'd have to get IBM to come and fix it (at a huge cost, as you can imagine).
I called the shop back to explain what was going on and that they'd be down for a while. But the elderly lady in the shop said, "It's ok, dear. I watched what the technician was doing, and it didn't look that complicated. He left some of his tools behind, so I pulled the machines apart, swapped the disks, and all I need to know now is how to get the cases back on."
I lead her through how to re-fit the case, and she was off and running.
This is an actual conversation I overheard in the cube next to me. I only heard one side of it. He had called the helpdesk to resolve a network problem.
"Hello, my name is [name]. My computer no longer communicates on the network. . . . Yes, the network connection is plugged in. . . . Yes, both ends. . . . Ok, I've rebooted the computer. Still nothing. . . . I don't have a 'Start' button. I'm running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Windows NT. . . . NT. . . . Ennnn Teeee. . . . I don't think that will work. . . . Well, ok. I'm pulling down file [long list of instructions]. . . . I don't have that menu choice. . . . Ok, we'll try it again. I pull down file [long list of instructions]. That menu choice doesn't exist. . . . Yes, thank you, I do know how to spell. . . . No, there is no menu choice by that name. . . . I'm sorry, it isn't there. . . . No, I do not have a 'Start' button. . . . No, I am not running Windows 3.11. I am running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Uhhh, no, I don't think they are the same thing. . . . Look, you can keep saying that the choice has to be there, but in fact it is not. I'm running Windows Ennn Teee. It's different from Windows 3.1. . . . No, the choice third from the bottom is [name of option]. . . . I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. . . . Hello? . . . Hello?"
My co-worker redials.
"Hello help desk? My name is [name]. I called a few minutes ago with a network problem. I'd like the name of the tech assigned to my case. . . . Thank you. Now, could you assign a different person to the case please? . . . Because she's a moron. . . . Yes, I did say moron. . . . Thank you."
Customer: "I'm calling to find out if the modem that was bundled with my system has Non-Volatile RAM. It doesn't appear to work, if so."
Tech Support: "Have you run 'MemMaker'?"
Tech Support: "Multitasking a Pentium is like stepping on the motherboard with running cleats." I was waiting in a computer store for a price quote once, and while I was waiting I noticed one of the technicians trying to fix a customer's computer. I listen in on the conversation.
Tech Support: "You see when I put my mouse over 'Documents'? How it turns yellow?" It was clear the customer had changed the Windows 95 colour scheme from the standard green background and blue and white windows that you see when Windows 95 starts for the first time. He had a new color scheme altogether, a blue background, and when he ran his mouse to highlight something, it turned yellow instead of the original blue. Perfectly normal, I thought; almost every Windows 95 user changes the color scheme.
Customer: "Yes, I see that. What about it?"
Tech Support: "That means you have a virus." Of course, that was it. I wasn't going to buy a system from a store with this incredible tech support, so I left.
I had a friend who gave me a Mitsubishi monitor. The monitor wasn't getting a picture for some reason, so it obviously needed some servicing. I took it to a repairman to see what could be done.
Technician : "You mean you get no picture at all when you boot up your computer?"
Me: "That's right."
Technician : "Oh, that's because you have a small hard drive. You have to get a bigger hard drive and then the monitor will work fine."
Tech Support: "Well sir, what dialup software are you using?"
Customer: "The one you provided."
Tech Support: "And what version is it?"
Customer: (says the version number)
Tech Support: "Oh, that's the problem you need the latest version."
Customer: "Ok, how do I get it?"
Tech Support: "Well, just transfer the file via FTP."
Customer: "Well that would be nice, but I can't connect to the Internet."
Tech Support: (sounding exasperated) "I told you just to FTP the file sir." I hung up.
I had trouble downloading an operating system upgrade for a PDA, so I called tech support.
Me: "I can't seem to get this download to complete. What might be causing it?"
Tech Support: "What operating system are you running?"
Me: "Windows NT."
Tech Support: "Well, you have to be running Windows 98 or better in order to download it."
Me: "Ummm, I am. I'm running Windows NT4, SP5."
Tech Support: "Are you on a PC or a MAC?" [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
A friend of mine told me that when he was in junior high school (mid-to-late nineties), they got a computer in the classroom free for the students to use during breaks. The first thing many of them would do to was to change the dull Windows 95 desktop. The school's IT Manager for some reason thought of this as vandalism, so he frequently fixed it in the only way he knew how -- by reinstalling Windows.
I was almost on the floor laughing when my friend told me about how the IT Manager had come into their classroom one day and told the students, "Will you STOP changing the desktop background? I've had to reinstall Windows every day for the last two weeks now!"
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
Back when high-speed internet was first getting started, my parents wanted to hop on the bandwagon right away and called a technician to come set them up. At the time I was in junior high school and couldn't be there when the tech showed up.
It is important to note that although we were quick in getting high-speed Internet, we didn't have a particularly state-of-the-art machine. It didn't have a cdrom drive, for example, but I assumed the tech would be installing the software from a floppy.
Imagine my horror when I came home and found my mother trying to dig the CD out of our ancient 5 1/4" drive with a key, while the "tech" stood behind her, scratching his head and saying, "I've seriously never seen one of those before. Are you SURE it's not a cdrom drive?"
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
I was cleaning up my wife's little bit of webspace and found I couldn't delete the files in one folder. Since I could upload/rename/delete other files with any FTP client I chose, it was clearly a server problem.
Inexplicably, ownership of the files had been changed by the ISP. It took a transfer to the second tier support to fix the problem, but even at that level, I got asked this question:
Tech Support: "Do you have a firewall?"
Me: "!!! What's that have to do with the problem?"
Tech Support: "Um, I dunno." This is straight from a call log of a major computer company that happens to have technical support technicians in India and other points outside of the United States.
Problem Description: Client wants to know the MAC address for the computer. Advise client that I have no way of knowing or obtaining that information. Advise client that she would more than likely need to call Apple to see if they could point her in the direction of obtaining that. Client says that the MAC address is not a macintosh address. Client says that the MAC address can be obtained by doing an ipconfig /all. Client ended up disconnecting the call. During the call I believe I could hear someone else listening. Just before the call was ended by the client there was a something faintly said but I could not make it out.
Resolution: Advise client to contact Apple.
I'm not the most technical of people, but a few years ago, I got the infamous "blue screen of death." I called in the IT department, and the new guy told me that my monitor just had to be "de-gassed" (degaussed). Needless to say, I rolled around the floor laughing, and someone else was called in to replace my hard drive.
My boyfriend and I were sitting in my dorm room, when there was a power surge, causing my computer to reboot. Unfortunately, it never got very far and popped up an error message about a missing file. Panicking, I reboot again, and the same thing happened. Foolishly, I decided to call my computer's tech support line, and after struggling with their automated system, I finally got through to someone.
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling tech support. How may I help you?"
Me: "Yeah, um, I just had a power surge in my dorm room, and my computer won't reboot. It's giving me the error message: [error message]"
Tech Support: "Have you tried rebooting?"
Me: "Yeah. Want me to try again?"
Tech Support: "Yes, go ahead. Tell me when Windows comes up."
Me: "Ok...it's giving me the same error message. It's not even getting into Windows."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try rebooting again, but this time, hold the button down for longer."
Me: "Er...how much longer?"
Tech Support: "About five seconds."
Me: "All right. Holding it down now...ok, it's rebooting."
Tech Support: "Good. Tell me when Windows comes up."
Me: "Same error."
Tech Support: "Ok. Let's try a hard reboot. Turn your computer all the way off, then unplug the power cable."
Me: (??) "All right, it's out."
Tech Support: "Ok, now hold down your power button and plug it back in. But don't let go of the power button yet."
Me: "Er. Ok. Tell me when to let go."
Tech Support: "Ok, let go. Tell me when Windows comes up."
Me: "Same error message. Windows isn't coming up."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try looking at your BIOS."
Me: "All right."
Tech Support: "Reboot your computer, and when it's coming up, hit F1 as many times as you can."
Me: "Can't I just hit it once?"
Tech Support: "No, your computer should start beeping. I want to make sure it beeps."
Me: "All right, it beeped. BIOS came up a while ago."
Tech Support: "Ok, let's walk through some things...." He proceeded to do nothing more than confirm there was nothing wrong with my BIOS. He had me reboot again, and, of course, I got the same error message.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try bios one more time."
Me: "All right."
Tech Support: "Now, when it's rebooting, I want you to hit the F1 key as many times as you can. It has to beep for this to work."
Me: "I really don't think my computer 'beeping' has anything to do with the problem."
Tech Support: "I think I know a little more about computers than you do, ma'am."
Me: "All right, fine, I'm hitting it. My computer is beeping."
Tech Support: "I don't believe you."
Me: "...Excuse me?"
Tech Support: "I think you're lying. I need you to hit it as many times as you can. This is very important." Finally, I gave up on the guy and made my boyfriend finish the call. About half a minute into the call, my boyfriend gets a really funny look on his face and ejects the floppy disk that was in the drive. He rebooted it, and it worked fine.
I suppose this doubles as a stupid user story too, but you'd think a tech support person would have checked for that early on, instead all the other dumb things he had me do.
I called up tech support because Internet Explorer insisted on opening everything I was trying to download with Quicktime.
Customer: "Internet Explorer insists on opening everything I try to download with Quicktime."
Tech Support: "Ok."
Customer: "So whenever I click on anything that I want to download it tries to open it with Quicktime."
Tech Support: "Are you sure that its not a Quicktime file?"
Customer: "No it's an exe file."
Tech Support: "So it's not a Quicktime file?"
Customer: "No, and I can't right click either, to do a Save Target As."
Tech Support: "Oh, but you're sure it's not a Quicktime file, right?"
Customer: "Yes, it is an executable file, DOT E X E, not DOT M O V."
Tech Support: "Is it a .exe that can be opened in Quicktime?" I use a cable modem ISP, one of North America's largest ISPs. During one of their interminable outages, I called to demand what the problem was.
Tech Support: "Is your computer on? Is the modem plugged in?"
Me: "Yes, it's on and working fine. The modem's plugged in, but it isn't getting anything from your end."
Tech Support: "Ok, can you click on the 'Start' button and type 'WINIPCFG'--"
Me: "Yes, I know. My IP is listed as 169.XXX.XXX.XXX." This IP was the one Windows 98 usually gives when it's supposed to have one assigned to it but doesn't get one.
Tech Support: "Well, sir, that's the problem."
Me: "Yes, I know. I'm getting no IP. I'm not in the network."
Tech Support: "No, sir, the problem is that you're using a Mac." Er....
Me: "I'm sorry?"
Tech Support: "Sir, your IP is a Mac IP. You're not using a PC."
Me: "Uhhh, I am using a PC. It's a Dell with an Intel PII-450 CPU. I'm running Windows 98."
Tech Support: "No, sir. Your IP indicates that your computer is a Mac. IPs that start with those numbers are used by Macs."
Me: "You know, I don't think it works that way. I'm pretty certain IPs are assigned based on where the computer is in a domain and a subdomain and such. I know all your IPs assigned in this area start with XXX. And I'm quite certain my computer is a PC."
Tech Support: "I don't think we use 'domain' here."
Me: "Can I speak to a supervisor, please?" This incident happened to me in India. This was in 1992-3 when Windows 3.1 was becoming popular. My machine had a CGA card and monitor, which I exchanged for a VGA card and monitor. The machine booted up -- there were no warning beeps -- but nothing was appearing on the screen. So I called up tech support.
Customer: "The computer boots up without any warning beeps, but nothing shows up on the screen."
Tech Support: "Is the monitor connected."
Customer: "Yes, but there is no display."
Tech Support: "Did you install the drivers for the VGA card?"
Customer: "How can I install them before I'm in DOS?"
Tech Support: "You have to install the drivers first before you can get a display."
Customer: "You don't need VGA drivers to boot to DOS like you do for Windows. I should be able to boot to DOS."
Tech Support: "Well, insert the floppy you received with your card. Go to the A:\Utilities directory. Type 'readme.com'."
Customer: "I cannot see anything. How do you expect me to read a file on the screen?"
Tech Support: "Read the file, and it will explain everything." I hung up. The problem was that the monitor was broken. I took it to the shop and proved it, and they gave me a replacement.
After owning my computer for a little over two months I noticed the system was sluggish.
Me: "My system's really slow on bootup."
Tech Support: "Have you been on the net for a long time?"
Me: "Well, yeah, about a month or two."
Tech Support: "Try deleting the cache. Oh, and do you have a virus scanner?"
Me: "Yes, it was the first thing I put on the hard drive."
Tech Support: "Oh, get rid of it. That's the problem. Those virus scanners screw things up on your disk. Get rid of it."
Me: "Isn't that risky?"
Tech Support: "And you'll have to format your hard drive with Quick Reinstall. That's really all I know."
Me: "Um...sure. Sure I will." A friend cleaned up my system path, and the boot lag cleared right up. And guess what? I didn't have to format my hard drive after all.
My school district decided to require us school psychologists to do all our reports on laptops and print from a single printer. After a few months the laptop they provided me ceased to work with the printer. I spoke with the IT Manager.
IT Manager: "I don't know if the problem is a hardware problem or a software problem."
Me: "Ok."
IT Manager: "So I can't solve the problem now."
Me: "When can you solve it?"
IT Manager: "I told you: I don't know if it is a hardware problem or a software problem. I can't fix it until I know."
Me: "Ok. I need to print my reports. When will I be able to?"
IT Manager: (angrily) "Look, if it's a hardware problem I can't fix it! I don't know if it is a hardware or a software problem." I made several more attempts to communicate with the IT manager about this problem over the next few weeks, only to find myself in the same conversation. Finally, I sent a memo to my boss, explaining that I was having difficulty getting tech support and could not print out my reports. My boss wrote back:
Boss: "Please do not harass the IT Manager anymore. He has already explained to you that he doesn't know whether it is a software problem or a hardware problem."
Technician: "What a bad day! The PC is not working well, the phone is out of order, and I wounded my fingers when trimming the network plug with a knife to fit the PC hole." A few weeks ago I was calling around to some local phone companies, looking for DSL. I have cable right now, but I'm extremely unhappy with the pathetic support they give. Anyway, the phone company is one of the main providers of DSL, so I called their number to ask some questions.
Me: "I want to get more information about the DSL."
Her: "What would you like to know?"
Me: "Is the 768K download in bits or bytes? I'm assuming bits."
Her: "I believe it's in bytes."
Me: "So you are giving me faster than my cable connection for cheaper? Are you sure its not 768 kilobits, which is about 96 kilobytes?"
Her: "I'm pretty sure it's 768 kilobytes."
Me: "Ok, that works. As for the IP address, is it static or dynamic?"
Her: "It's dymanic."
Me: "Oh, ok. So how often does it change?"
Her: "The only time it ever changes is when you go in there and change it."
Me: "Ummmm, then how would that be dynamic if it never changes?"
Her: (click) Ok, so, strike one. The girl in tech support didn't know what she was talking about, so she hung up on me.
I called back, and this time a man answered the phone. I told him the girl was not only clueless but hung up on me, and I am already considering not using them. He said he would try to help.
I asked him the same questions. The download speed is 768 kilobits. The IP address is dynamic and changes every few hours. But he couldn't answer anything else: he didn't know where I would get the DSL modem from, if they are using internal DHCP, how the changing IP address will affect my connectivity and downloads, etc. He finally admitted that at that particular call center, they really don't know much about it. He gave me a number for tech support.
I called that number and a lady answered. She gave me a set of responses that were different still.
I finally wrote in to their customer service and told them that after one person clearly had no clue what she was talking about and hung up on me, a second was guessing and admitted he didn't know, and tech support gave me completely different answers, I will not be using their services. The next day I received a reply. The man who replied basically said he was sorry for such bad service, and please call the following number for support. It was the number I dialed the first time.
I use a cable modem company for my Internet service. One day, it was not working. So I called our neighbors down the street and found that theirs was not working either. I decided to call tech support to see if it was down in our area. The message did not list it, so I went ahead to ask tech support.
Tech Support: "Oh, we've been getting a lot of calls from that area today."
Customer: "So service down in this area, then?"
Tech Support: "Hmmm, well, my records don't show that. Okay, let's check your settings."
Customer: "I've already checked my settings; they are fine. But I can see that the light on the cable modem isn't on. I just want to know if service is down and if someone is working on the problem."
Tech Support: "Hmmm, the problem isn't on our end, it's on your end. Maybe you should try to re-install your drivers. Sometimes the drivers just fail."
Customer: "Ma'am, we have five computers connected to the cable modem? None of them can get online. Are you saying all their drivers failed simultaneously?"
Tech Support: "Oh, your computers are networked? Well, we don't support networks."
Customer: "That's fine, I have my PC connected directly to the cable modem right now."
Tech Support: "Well, just re-install your modem drivers. Go to Control Panel...."
Customer: "Wait, you are telling me that five PCs of five different brands with five different drivers failed simultaneously? And how about the rest of the area? I think your service is down."
Tech Support: "Ma'am, I think it's your drivers."
Customer: "Uh, thanks, I'll check it out and call you back." I called back 30 minutes later. It turns out service was down in our area.
About a year ago, my mother was having problems with her brand new computer. She hadn't had it for a month before the video card died. She called the customer service line and spoke with a technical support representative, who diagnosed the problem and promised that they would send a new card to her.
She received the new card and called the 800 number again, this time asking what to do with the card. The guy that was helping her said, "Do you see the screws on the back of the computer? Well, take them all out and take off the case. You will see a card that looks like the one you just received. Replace it with the card you have and put the case back on." And then he hung up.
So here is my mother, staring at the back of her computer, seeing an array of screws, and wondering which ones she should take out. She followed his directions to the letter and unscrewed all of the screws on the back of her computer, not just the ones around the casing edge. All of her computer components hit the bottom of the case with a bang.
When the dust settled and she realized what she had done, she called back, in hysterics. Thankfully, she got a nice woman who understood and agreed that it was the tech support guy's fault for not staying with her on the phone. She agreed to ship her a new computer at no charge.
When I was in college, I needed to connect to the school's network from my own computer in my dorm room. I knew there was a dial-up number that would allow me to log in and run limited commands. All I needed to know was the number. So I called the help desk.
Me: "I'm trying to access the University's network from my computer in my dorm room. Can you help me?"
Help Desk: "Which lab are you in?"
Me: "I'm not in a lab. I'm in my room."
Help Desk: "Then you're not on the network."
Me: "But I want to connect over the phone line. What number do I need to dial?"
Help Desk: "You need to call [phone number of help desk]."
Me: "No, that's your phone number. I need a dial-up number for the computer."
Help Desk: "I don't understand. What are you trying to do?"
Me: "I want to connect my computer to the school's network through the dial-up."
Help Desk: "Why don't you use a computer in the lab?"
Me: "That would defeat the purpose of having a computer in my room."
Help Desk: "Well, your computer is not connected to the school network."
Me: "I know! I want to use my modem to connect."
Help Desk: "What's a modem?"
Me: "Never mind."
Me: "I was thinking of installing Linux, but I was wondering if you knew if the modem works under Linux."
Tech Support: "Oh, I'm sorry, we only support Windows."
Me: "I know. I was just wondering if you knew if it was possible."
Tech Support: "But we only support Windows."
Me: "I know, but just to save me some time, have you heard of anyone that got Linux to work with the modem?"
Tech Support: (getting annoyed) "Why can't you just use Netscape?"
Me: "Uh, wha? It's not a browser, it's a--never mind. Thanks for your help."
Customer: "When my computer boots up, all I get is a black screen that says, 'boot2/'."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?"
Customer: "I'm using Windows 98 and NT 4.0."
Tech Support: "Ok, I'm the Mac tech. The Windows tech is gone, but I can try to help you."
Customer: "Ok, what should I do? I've reformatted the hard drive and have fresh installs of both operating systems."
Tech Support: "Sir, have you put any cheese or mustard in your a drive?"
Customer: "What? Did you just ask me if I put cheese or mustard in my floppy drive?"
Tech Support: "Yeah, we've had that happen a lot lately."
Customer: (staring blankly at roommate, who was laughing uncontrollably on the floor) "I think I'll wait for the PC tech to get back. Thanks for the help." (click) Last term in college I was working in the lab when my network connection suddenly died. Mine was the only computer doing that, and we're not supposed to mess with the computers ourselves, so I called the lab attendant over.
This guy was a fourth term programming major. I don't know how he was this stupid. But I told him what was wrong and what error message I was getting ("no route to host") and figured he'd go behind the computer and check the wires.
No. He brought up the menu on the monitor (that allows you to adjust the size, shape, tint, brightness, etc, of the display) and starts fiddling with that. He told me to try again. Obviously it didn't work.
Me: "Why don't you just check the network wires?"
Him: "I'm the computer expert here. Just let me work." He fiddled with the monitor settings some more. Finally he slapped the monitor and said:
Him: "Well, I don't know what's wrong. That's what they get for having NT servers." When he left, I checked the back of the computer. As I thought, the wire had gotten pulled out.
Me: "Yes, I'm having trouble with the connect suite for dial-up."
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
Me: "I get random disconnects, I can't always get the dialer to work, and web pages often give strange time-out errors. I set everything up according to the documentation." I thought, at this juncture, I'd get the usual "let's go through the setup just to be sure" routine. I was wrong.
Tech Support: "Yes, well, that program doesn't work on everyone's computer."
Me: "I know that. It doesn't work on mine, for instance."
Tech Support: "Well, we don't know why it doesn't always work. You should consider getting a new computer." My company recently hired a new technician, and at first he seemed to know what he was doing, but soon he got in over his head. A customer brought in a system and said she couldn't get on the Internet. When the tech couldn't get the plug-n-play modem to work under Win3.11, he assumed it was a new modem, and it couldn't be done. He called her.
Tech Support: "Ok, this modem, since it is plug-n-play, will not work in Windows 3.11. You'll have to get a new modem or install the Windows 95 upgrade."
Customer: "But I've been using that modem for over a year in Windows 3.11, and it never gave me any problems."
Tech Support: "Well it doesn't work now."
Customer: "If it worked before, why would it not work now?"
Tech Support: "Lightning must have hit it, and now it won't work in anything but Windows 95." She called back later and asked for someone else.
A year ago, I was programming a database for one of the larger insurance companies in my state. The computers they had were awful things that still ran Windows 3.1 and took about three minutes to boot up.
One morning I turned on my computer and waited for it to boot. Just as it loaded Windows, it started rebooting all over again. I waited again, and it did it again. After about ten times, I began to wonder. I would have just loaded DOS and found the problem, but one of the security systems on the computers there automatically rebooted the computer if you went to a DOS prompt.
So I called tech support and explained the problem.
Tech Support: "Ok sir, have you tried rebooting the computer?" I have a Pentium 100 that I bought in March 1996. I moved since then and lost the documentation about the motherboard. I called tech support.
Me: "Hi, I have a Pentium 100, and I want to put in a faster processor, a 133 MHz. I lost my motherboard documentation and the jumpers aren't marked. Can you tell me what the maximum is for the board I have?" I give him all the information he needs, restating the question three times in the process.
Tech Support: "I don't have that information."
Me: "You guys built the machine. Don't you have an engineer somewhere with this information?"
Tech Support: "Um, I don't know let me ask." Ten minutes later:
Tech Support: "Ok, I am going to transfer you to a technician."
Technician: "Ok, you want to put a 133 processor on this board?"
Me: "Yes."
Technician: "This board only goes up to 100 MHz. You can use it with Pentium 75, 90, or 100."
Me: "That's a disappointment -- I wish you hadn't sent me a machine with no upgrade flexibility like that."
Technician: "Well, you can put the P133 in -- it will run at 133, even though when it boots it will only say 100."
Me: "REALLY? In the five years I have been working with PC hardware and software, and of all the machines I have upgraded, I have never heard of this. Are you sure you are correct?"
Technician: (long pause) "Um, no."
Me: "You just wanted to get me off the phone, right? Well, I just wanted the answer about my board -- if the answer is no, fine, but don't lie to me."
Technician: "Um, sorry. No, you can't upgrade that board to a processor faster than 100."
Me: "Hi, I have a problem with my left speaker, no sound is coming out of it."
Tech Support: "Have you adjusted the balance in the volume properties?"
Me: "Yes, it's definitely not that, and it's not a sound card or connection problem either. Could you just send me some new speakers? It's still under warranty."
Tech Support: "Errrm, ok, I want you to go to DOS and type 'format c:' and then restore your hard disk from the master CD."
Me: (click) I called my cable modem service about a problem involving a series of constant disconnections and lock ups.
Tech Support: "Oh, you need to empty your browser's cache."
Me: "Well, that's a different program."
Tech Support: "Do you use Internet Explorer or Netscape?"
Me: "Internet Explorer."
Tech Support: "Ok, click on View/Properties/Internet Options."
Me: "I'm sorry but cache files from an entirely different program couldn't possibly be causing this."
Tech Support: "Hmm, let me refer you to advanced technical support." The advanced technician knew exactly what the problem was and solved it. A month later it happened again.
Tech Support: "When was the last time you cleaned your browser's cache?" Yet again I was forwarded to advanced tech support, and my problem was solved. A while later, it happened a third time.
Tech Support: "Oh, it's the cable line in your area. We'll get a truck rolling on it right away."
Me: "If it's the cable line, how am I able to connect at all?"
Tech Support: "There could be a short in one of the lines, and that could be causing it." The next day the cable repairman arrived and checked the lines in my area, but my service was again working flawlessly even before he arrived. When he left, I turned on the TV and noticed the cable was out.
I'm a system administrator for a fairly large company. We were shipping out new desktop PC's to all our branches, but the PC's did not come with installed modems. I installed modems in these machines and configured all the necessary software before I shipped them out. I received a call from one branch manager stating that his modem would not work. I had his try all the standard tests, and it appeared that the modem had become unseated.
He called the IS director and asked why I hadn't tested the machine before I sent it. I tried to explain that I did, and the card had become unseated in shipping. The IS director, knowing that I install PCanywhere on all machines so I can troubleshoot from my office, asked, "Can't we use PCanywhere to dial in and fix that?"
I had just come across a Compaq 386 Deskpro motherboard. Since I was just getting into PCs, I thought it would be cool to wire it up for my brother. But I had no idea what the pinout for the power supply plug was, as it was non-standard. So I called up Compaq tech support.
Me: "I just got an old 386 Deskpro motherboard, and I wondered if I could get a pinout for the power supply plug, so I can power it up and see if it works."
Tech Support: "What happens when you turn it on?"
Me: "Ummm...nothing, I don't have a power supply for it. I need a pinout to wire up a standard power supply."
Tech Support: "I see. Can you get into Windows?" About two years ago I signed up with a local ISP. They gave me some software to install and said it would take up to five days for my account to be activated. I installed the software, but five days later I still couldn't get on. I waited two more days, then called to find out what the problem was. The tech support person said he would check on it and call me back. Four hours later, I still hadn't received a call, so I called again. The same guy answered the phone. I asked if he had figured anything out. He replied that he had not. I told him if he couldn't fix the problem, I wanted to cancel my service. He stammered and told me he really didn't know that much about computers, but he didn't want to lose my business.
At this point I completely lost my patience and told him to cancel the account immediately. He told me that to cancel my account I had to send them email from it.
I called the TurboTax support number for help with the online filing of my taxes. Here is my dialog with the "tech support" person:
Tech Support: "How can I help?"
Me: "I'm having a timeout problem when filing online. The modem dials up ok, but after connecting I get a timeout error."
Tech Support: "What kind of modem do you have?"
Me: "A MultiTech 28.8."
Tech Support: (pause) "We only support 9600 baud. What's 28.8?"
Me: "Twenty-eight point eight K-baud."
Tech Support: "What's K-baud?" While looking into DSL, I came across a number for a large service provider and called to get details. When the tech support person got up to the speed of the connection, she said:
Tech Support: "1.54mbit up/down."
Me: (after some calculations) "Hmmm. That's about 173KB/sec, right?"
Tech Support: (pause; sound of typing) "No, that's 1.54MB/sec."
Me: "No, that's the speed in bits per second. I wondered what it was in bytes per second."
Tech Support: (pause) "No, it's 1.54MB/sec."
Me: "No, 8 bits equals 1 byte--"
Tech Support: "No, bits and bytes are the same thing!"
Me: "Um, that's not true. That's why a 56K modem is a 56kbit modem that usually gets 5 KB/sec transfer rates."
Tech Support: "Well that's because people take out the dot when they say it. It's actually 5.6kbit or 5.6kbyte. The .6kbyte is just lost in the connection." As a networking consultant called in to a new client, one of the things I like to do is go over their bills to make sure they are getting what they are paying for from ISPs, telcos, etc. On one occasion, I discovered that a client was paying an ISP for 20 email mailboxes that they hadn't used in years. I called the ISP's customer support to cancel the mailboxes.
Me: "Yes, I notice I'm paying $100/month for 20 email boxes I'm not using. I'd like to cancel them all."
Tech Support: (after verifying our account information and getting the details of the account displayed) "No problem, sir. What I'd like you to do is fax me a list of all the boxes you'd like to cancel, and I'll do it this afternoon."
Me: "Well, I can't really do that, because I don't have a list of these email names. I just have a bill. We haven't used these names in probably two years. Just cancel them all."
Tech Support: "It's all right, sir. I have them here. I'll read them to you." She proceeded to read me names, and like an idiot I jotted them down until it dawned on me what we were doing.
Me: "Hold on. You're going to read me all 20 names?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Me: "So I can write them down and fax them back to you??"
Tech Support: "That is our policy, sir."
Me: "Am I the only one who thinks this is absurd?" My husband and I helped our church get online. We installed a new modem, checked everything out and then after doing some research on local ISPs we chose a reputable one that would give the church a good deal.
Netscape came with the modem's communications software, but it was an old version. After getting everything going we started to download Netscape's upgrade. The ISP kept hanging up ten minutes after starting the download. We checked all the settings. Everything checked out fine, but we were still experiencing the problem. It would even disconnect while downloading email.
I asked the church's secretary to call the ISP's tech support number the following morning. The next morning she called me back and reported that the ISP tech support person had told her she needed to reformat her computer and reinstall Windows.
I called the tech support person myself.
Me: "I can't believe you told her that! You told her that? That's preposperous! This is not a software problem, this is a problem with the ISP. What does this have to do with email downloads and getting disconnected?"
Tech Support: "Look, this is a common problem. I can't even download email without it disconnecting. It is like that with all ISPs. This is what we tell all our customers who have this problem. You see, SMTP stands for--"
Me: "I don't think you have any idea what you are talking about. I am with Netcom, and this has never happened to me." I was getting several "illegal operation" errors on a new Windows 95 machine I was trying out. So I called tech support.
Customer: "I want to buy this computer, but I'm a little concerned that I'm getting so many error messages. Is that common with this machine?"
Tech Support: "Well, we have to reformat the hard disk and reinstall the software every day. That's normal."
Customer: "Wait, wait, wait. You're saying that I will have to reinstall Windows every single time I use the computer?!?"
Tech Support: "When it has errors, ma'am, that's the only way to get rid of them." Needless to say, I purchased my computer elsewhere, from a store and salesmen that had a clue.
I had a problem with my computer. Out of the clear blue, the sound card disappeared from my hardware settings. After trying to get Windows 95 to re-install it, I gave up -- Win95 consistently told me that the card was a Soundblaster, and I knew it wasn't. But I didn't know what kind it was, and the manuals that came with the computer didn't say. I called tech support, and they asked me what had been installed on the system since I bought it. "Microsoft Office, and Plus" I said.
They told me that was the problem. They told me I wasn't ever supposed to install anything on the machine except for what came with it originally. Then they told me to reformat my hard drive and re-install everything from the setup CD.
I asked to speak with this guy's supervisor, and he told me the same thing.
In the 1980s, I did not know what fdisk was or how to use it, so I called tech support and left a message on their answering machine. I spoke very clearly and left the message: "My hard drive crashed, and I've been told that I need to do a low-level format before I can restore from my tape backup. How do I low-level format my hard drive?"
The next day, our receptionist handed me this message from the tech support team: "Put the floppy diskette in the drive and type format a: and hit enter."
This weekend, my father brought over his new laptop, purchased at a major retailer. It was taking 4-5 minutes to boot into the OS. It was discovered that there were several utilities loading during startup, some of them multiple times. Not wanting to void the support warranty, we called tech support. After my father related the problem, they talked him through removal and unchecking of many of the options. A reboot then took about 2.5 minutes, still quite a long time. When he asked what else could be done, he was told, "Just reboot a few more times. It should get faster as it works in." We just sat there with our mouths open.
I was working as a student placement at a rather large company last year. One of our backup tape drives was acting up, and nothing I could do fixed it. So I phoned support. The first thing the guy asked, after half an hour of detail-taking, was:
Tech Support: "Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Well, that'll be your problem. Use a new tape every time, and that'll fix it." I was rather skeptical about this but decided to try it anyway. Of course, it didn't work. So I rang support again and got a different guy.
Tech Support: "Do you use clean tapes in the drive every time?"
Customer: "Yes!" (enthusiastically)
Tech Support: "Oh, well, that'll be your problem then. Every new tape that's used clogs up the drive." I bought a laptop with a DVD drive and S-video output, thinking to use it, among other things, to play DVDs on my TV. The S-video output worked fine until I tried to play DVDs, when it switched back to the laptop's monitor. So I called tech support.
Tech Support: "It's not supposed to work, because the resolution would degrade too much."
Customer: "But this is DVD; they're designed for TV sets."
Tech Support: "No. You see, it looks really great on your computer monitor, but the TV doesn't have as good resolution."
Customer: "But DVDs aren't SUPPOSED to use all that resolution. They're supposed to be shown on TV sets. Anyway, do you have a solution for me?"
Tech Support: "Well, if you'd get an HDTV, it would work fine!" As it turns out, he was right about one thing -- it wasn't supposed to work. Buried in the documentation of the MPEG decoder is a line that the card didn't support interlaced displays.
The company is now dead, so I can mention this one by name:
Tech Support: (an elderly sounding woman) "Hello, Commodore customer service. May I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, I'm trying to find the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set."
Tech Support: "You want to format a disk? Lemme see..." (paper rustles)
Customer: "No. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for DMCS."
Tech Support: "Oh, yes. I've got documentation here." (paper rustles) "Ok, to format a disk, first you--"
Customer: "No, no...I'm looking for the file format for--"
Tech Support: "You want to format a file? I umm..." (paper rustles again)
Customer: "NO... I DO NOT WANT TO FORMAT A FILE!"
Tech Support: "Ok, well, to format a disk, you--"
Customer: "NO! I don't want to format a disk. I'm a programmer. I'm trying to find some documentation on--"
Tech Support: "We have documentation."
Customer: "Yes, I understand. But I'm looking for specific documentation on software that I bought through Commodore. I'm looking for documentation on the file format for Deluxe Music Construction Set--"
Tech Support: (paper rustles) "You want to format a file?"
Customer: "No, I-- Is there someone else there I can talk to?"
Tech Support: "No. No one here but me." I tried in vain for other contact numbers or the vendor of the software (contact information for that software was conspicuously missing in my software and documentation). Some hours later I called the same number above and got someone who gave me decent information. He had no clue what woman I talked to earlier. Could have been janitorial staff for all I knew.
I was troubleshooting a powerbook for a user, which had been flaky all of it's short life, when it refused to boot and I could smell something smoldering. Clearly there was a short-circuit somewhere, probably in the power supply. I called Apple to get it repaired under the warranty.
Me: "Hi, I have a problem with a powerbook. It has developed a short circuit, probably in the power supply. I need an RMA number so I can send it back; it's still under warranty.
Tech Support: "Please describe the symptoms."
Me: "Um, there is a short circuit somewhere. I'd guess it's a bad power supply. I can smell smoldering when I try to power it on, and it won't boot, and the screen is just a pattern of lines.
Tech Support: "Ok, let's try troubleshooting this."
Me: "There's nothing to troubleshoot. I need an RMA number so I can send it back under warranty.
Tech Support: "Well, you just described three problems to me. We'll tackle each one and see how many we can fix."
Me: (frustrated) "There's only one problem, a short circuit in the power supply. Something's burning inside the case; I can smell it when I power it on."
Tech Support: (as to a child) "You said that you smell smoke, that it won't boot, and that there are funny lines on the screen. We'll tackle each of these one at a time. Now, let's start the troubleshooting and see if we can get it to boot." At this point, I mumbled something about the phone not being near the computer and hung up.
The punch line is that, after the thing was shipped to Apple (twice), it got stolen from the shipping agent's truck, and we got a brand new model.
I had just bought a new laser printer in the US when I received a very good job offer for the summer in Europe. So I called the printer manufacturer's help desk to find out if I could use the printer in Europe with 220 volts, or if they had a low cost transformer.
Me: "Hello, I have just bought your new (printer model), and I was wondering if I can use it in Europe with 220 volts?"
Tech Support: "Hmmm...let me see.... Here, ok, it says that the printer works with 120 volts, so 220 volts should be enough."
Me: "What?! If it is made only for 120 volts, and I hook it up to 220 volts, it's going to fry."
Tech Support: "Hmmm. You may need a surge protector." I'm an American living in Switzerland. I prefer English software, and the easiest way to get it is to buy directly from the United States.
So, we've recently purchased software from [a company] in the States. It had a few problems, so I called the international support line, and please note the word 'international'.
After 45 minutes of listening to bad music at peak international phone rates, someone came on the line. It's a known problem, he said, and he'd send an update right out -- he'd just need my address.
He asked for my street. He asked for my city. He asked for my state. Oops, I'm in Switzerland, and the 'state' field doesn't apply. The tech is very apologetic, but his software won't let him leave the field blank. Ok, I said, I'm from Texas, so just put Texas in there. Amazingly, the software accepts my four digit zip code. But he never asked me for my country, so I double checked. No, there was no place for him to enter a country. So he wrote my address down and said he'd sort it out later.
Weeks later, the update still hadn't arrived. I called back, waiting "only" twenty minutes this time. They checked, found my order, and told me it had been sent to Canada and been returned as undeliverable. I corrected the mistake, and the update arrived a few days later in spite of the fact that it was addressed to "Swaziland."
I have no idea if this company ever updated their software so the international help line could support international addresses.
Me: "Does your Internet provider support multicasting?"
Tech Support: "Yes. Just download it onto your PC and it'll work fine."
Customer: "I seem to have lost my IP address can you tell me what it is?"
Tech Support: "Just a minute, I'll check." (pause) "You're using Win95 aren't you? It's a bit complicated. Click on Start."
Customer: "Ok, I don't need to do that--"
Tech Support: "Please do it my way, click on Start."
Customer: "Ok."
Tech Support: "Now click on Settings...Control Panel...Networks...TCP/IP...and now on Protocols, and there you are."
Customer: "Yes, that's where I was when I called you."
Tech Support: "Well why call me? That's where your IP address is, right in front of you."
Customer: "Well, that's where it should be, but mine's all blank."
Tech Support: "Well, what do you want me to do?"
Customer: "Can you tell me what it is?"
Tech Support: "Of course, just a second...why didn't you ask me that in the first place?"
Customer: "I can't seem to connect. Is there a problem on your end?"
Tech Support: "No. Let's check a few things." "We" check.
Tech Support: "Ok, looks like you'll have to re-install your net software. Do you still have the disks we sent you?"
Customer: "I've been using you guys as an ISP fully a year before you had handy install disks for common software."
Tech Support: (pause -- he clearly doesn't comprehend how that's even possible) "Well, then you'll have to re-install Windows."
Customer: "I don't think so. Can I talk to someone else?"
Tech Support: "Um...just a sec." (several minute pause) "You there?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "We're down in your area."
Customer: (dryly) "Thank you very much." One of our clients, an ISP, gave us a free account to use to test their service and help us write the documentation and marketing copy for them. I set the system up, logged on, and handed it over to my assistant.
After about thirty minutes I passed by and noticed they were on the phone to the technical support line, reporting a problem with the connection. I checked what the problem was with my assistant who told me that the web site they were supposed to connect to wasn't answering. I checked -- sure enough the connection just timed out with the usual 'Unable to connect to server' error. I tried a ping to the server and got no response, then decided to speak to the tech support person myself.
He was convinced the problem was with our dial-up connection, but as soon as I got on the phone I suggested the server was down and asked if he could check it with someone. He refused and we spent the next forty minutes trying various things on our machine to get the connection working. Finally I stopped him:
Me: "Look, I'm a technical consultant who tells other ISP's how to set up their services. I was a founder member of the largest ISP in the UK, I think I know the difference between your server being down and a probem with my machine."
Tech Support: "I've set up two ISPs myself, I know what I'm doing, sir."
Me: "You may well have set two ISPs up, but your server is currently down. Can I speak to your supervisor? I don't have time to waste checking things I know aren't wrong."
Tech Support: "Hang on a second -- I'll just check something." (pause) "It looks like our server is down."
Me: "I told you that 45 minutes ago. Why didn't you check that when I first asked -- we could have both saved ourselves a heck of a lot of time."
Tech Support: "Well, we have to go through this procedure of checking the caller's machine."
Me: "I'm having problems connecting to sites outside the University."
Tech Support: "What operating system are you using?"
Me: "The latest version of Linux."
Tech Support: "What programs are you currently running?"
Me: "Nothing much -- ftp, telnet, X, Netscape, sendmail..."
Tech Support: "It's not our fault you can't connect anywhere if you're running sendmail. You have to get mail centrally."
Me: "But sendmail has nothing to do with ftp access, web access, or anything else."
Tech Support: "It's not our problem." Three months later, it was announced on the University web site that there was an "untraced fault" on the network, and everyone had to reduce the MTU on their computers to 1498. A few talks with various technicians revealed that this had been known and repeatedly reported by a great many people, who had received just as unfriendly a response as I had, over those 3 months. The official story was that the technicians were waiting to see if the problem would clear up on its own. It took another six months of complaints before they finally got someone in to fix the router.
I recently signed up for a 640kbps ADSL line with a borrowed router. We have four computers in our household, with a perfectly working LAN. But after trying to set up the ADSL settings, there was still no connection to the Internet. I thought it was an ISP problem, so I phoned to the tech support. I explained the problem, and...
Me: "...If I ping any computer everything works fin--"
Tech Support: "You what?"
Me: "If I ping any comp--"
Tech Support: "No, I didn't get what you did. Ping, right?"
Me: "Yes, ping. You know, when you write 'ping' and an IP address to see if the network is working."
Tech Support: "Write where?"
Me: "At a command prompt."
Tech Support: "It is better for you to upgrade to Windows XP. DOS is outdated."
Me: "I run Windows 2000. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you'll see a Command Prompt icon. That's where I type 'ping'."
Tech Support: "Oooooooooooh, I see, I see. Now I remember. Maybe the LAN isn't working."
Me: "No, I told you, the LAN was set up well before the ADSL contract and is perfectly fine."
Tech Support: "Mhm. Go to Start, Programs, Accessories, and you'll see a Command Prompt icon. You'll get a black window. Write p-i-n-g-space-[an IP address]."
Me: "..."
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Me: "Done. All packets lost."
Tech Support: "You have a LAN, don't you? Try to ping your PCs and the router. To do so, go to Start, Progr--"
Me: "I know." And so on, for almost an hour. The problem never got solved. Later I swapped out the router, and it worked. So I called back to see if I could have a replacement router.
Tech Support: "So, you tried to exchange the router with a new one and it worked?"
Me: "Yes, it could be defective."
Tech Support: "Yes, it could. Which brand of router did you have?"
Me: "A Cisco one."
Tech Support: "Ah. Does Cisco make routers?" I hung up, and later I cancelled.
I had a problem with using my PPP connection through Linux. The data transfers were really slow sometimes but fine at others. I played with it for a while, then finally called the help desk. I was on hold for twenty minutes, then:
Tech Support: "Hi. How can I help you?"
Me: "Hi. I'm trying to hook up my Linux box via PPP, and I'm running into some problems. It works fine under 95, but I can't seem to get it to connect right under Linux. I can resolve hostnames and even --"
Tech Support: "Um, sir -- what kind of computer is it?"
Me: "IBM compatible. Specifically, an Ambra."
Tech Support: "Ok -- what happens when you try running Trumpet Winsock?" I slap my forehead.
Me: "This is Linux. It doesn't run Trumpet Winsock."
Tech Support: "Oh - it's a DOS program?"
Me: "No. It's an operating system. Trumpet runs fine under 95."
Tech Support: "Well, have you tried running this program under Windows 95 then?"
Me: "No, it is an operating system. It doesn't run under another operating system."
Tech Support: "Oh. Ok, so what happens when you try to run Winsock under it?" Murderous thoughts are going through my head. After a couple more exchanges back and forth, she finally understands that Winsock won't run on Linux for some weird reason.
Me: "So can I get an incident number so I can talk to a tech?"
Tech Support: "Sure. I just need to get some info from you." She gets down my name, room number, phone number, computer type and brand, then we get interesting again.
Tech Support: "Ok, so is this under Windows 3.1 or Windows 95?"
Me: "Neither. It's Linux."
Tech Support: "Which type of Windows does it run under though?"
Me: "Neither! It runs on its own!"
Tech Support: "Oh!!! Oh! I'm sorry, in that case we can't help you. We only support Windows 3.1 and Windows 95."
Me: "WHAT?!?"
Tech Support: "Sorry. That's all we're currently supporting. Have a nice day." [click]
Me: "The ethernet card you supplied doesn't work under Linux."
Tech Support: "Have you installed the DOS drivers?"
Me: "I'm using Linux, so the DOS drivers won't work."
Tech Support: "Why not?" I was a manager in an IT department who had a network of around 100 point-of-sale (POS) computers spread all over Australia. One of our shops, about 2000 miles away, called with a problem. The motherboard appeared to be broken. I called one of our technicians who was in the area and asked him to go over and swap out the hard drive from the machine with the broken motherboard into a machine that was in the store room which I figured was working fine -- that way the shop wouldn't lose any of its data.
The technician called me later and said he couldn't figure out how to get the hard drive out of the machine. To understand what he was looking at, I dismantled a spare machine I had. Thankfully IBM made the machines easy to service -- lots of diagrams and instructions on the inside of the case. You just had to get into it first. The hard drive was mounted on a tray which was designed to slide out smoothly once a retaining clip had been pressed. Then it would be easy to unplug the drive and slide a new one in.
No matter how much I described, cajoled, and threatened the technician, he could not figure out how to get the hard drive out. He finally got sick of it, got in his car and drove away, leaving the shop with frustrated customers. I called the technician's manager and explained the situation. But he wasn't too interested either, saying we'd have to get IBM to come and fix it (at a huge cost, as you can imagine).
I called the shop back to explain what was going on and that they'd be down for a while. But the elderly lady in the shop said, "It's ok, dear. I watched what the technician was doing, and it didn't look that complicated. He left some of his tools behind, so I pulled the machines apart, swapped the disks, and all I need to know now is how to get the cases back on."
I lead her through how to re-fit the case, and she was off and running.
This is an actual conversation I overheard in the cube next to me. I only heard one side of it. He had called the helpdesk to resolve a network problem.
"Hello, my name is [name]. My computer no longer communicates on the network. . . . Yes, the network connection is plugged in. . . . Yes, both ends. . . . Ok, I've rebooted the computer. Still nothing. . . . I don't have a 'Start' button. I'm running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Windows NT. . . . NT. . . . Ennnn Teeee. . . . I don't think that will work. . . . Well, ok. I'm pulling down file [long list of instructions]. . . . I don't have that menu choice. . . . Ok, we'll try it again. I pull down file [long list of instructions]. That menu choice doesn't exist. . . . Yes, thank you, I do know how to spell. . . . No, there is no menu choice by that name. . . . I'm sorry, it isn't there. . . . No, I do not have a 'Start' button. . . . No, I am not running Windows 3.11. I am running Windows NT 3.51. . . . Uhhh, no, I don't think they are the same thing. . . . Look, you can keep saying that the choice has to be there, but in fact it is not. I'm running Windows Ennn Teee. It's different from Windows 3.1. . . . No, the choice third from the bottom is [name of option]. . . . I AM NOT LYING TO YOU. . . . Hello? . . . Hello?"
My co-worker redials.
"Hello help desk? My name is [name]. I called a few minutes ago with a network problem. I'd like the name of the tech assigned to my case. . . . Thank you. Now, could you assign a different person to the case please? . . . Because she's a moron. . . . Yes, I did say moron. . . . Thank you."
Customer: "I'm calling to find out if the modem that was bundled with my system has Non-Volatile RAM. It doesn't appear to work, if so."
Tech Support: "Have you run 'MemMaker'?"
Tech Support: "Multitasking a Pentium is like stepping on the motherboard with running cleats." I was waiting in a computer store for a price quote once, and while I was waiting I noticed one of the technicians trying to fix a customer's computer. I listen in on the conversation.
Tech Support: "You see when I put my mouse over 'Documents'? How it turns yellow?" It was clear the customer had changed the Windows 95 colour scheme from the standard green background and blue and white windows that you see when Windows 95 starts for the first time. He had a new color scheme altogether, a blue background, and when he ran his mouse to highlight something, it turned yellow instead of the original blue. Perfectly normal, I thought; almost every Windows 95 user changes the color scheme.
Customer: "Yes, I see that. What about it?"
Tech Support: "That means you have a virus." Of course, that was it. I wasn't going to buy a system from a store with this incredible tech support, so I left.
I had a friend who gave me a Mitsubishi monitor. The monitor wasn't getting a picture for some reason, so it obviously needed some servicing. I took it to a repairman to see what could be done.
Technician : "You mean you get no picture at all when you boot up your computer?"
Me: "That's right."
Technician : "Oh, that's because you have a small hard drive. You have to get a bigger hard drive and then the monitor will work fine."
ALt3rnA
16-03-2008, 15:28
liked it //?
A r c h i
16-03-2008, 18:21
liked it //?
I read the first paragraphs..It was nice, thanks for that,
I think if you post 2-3 of them everyday, it would be much better and people will like reading them. I really don't have time to read long posts:27:
Good luck:10:l
I read the first paragraphs..It was nice, thanks for that,
I think if you post 2-3 of them everyday, it would be much better and people will like reading them. I really don't have time to read long posts:27:
Good luck:10:l
Greight
21-03-2008, 01:15
A man was visiting Spain and passed by a restaurant in Madrid after a bullfight. They were advertising that they served the balls of the bull who lost the bullfight. Intrigued, the man went inside, only to find that where was a six-week waiting list to get to eat the loser's balls. So he signed up and came back six weeks later. When he got his meal, there were two teeny, teeny balls on his plate. He called the waiter over to complain. "I've waited six weeks for bull balls. What are these?"
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."
"Sir," the waiter said, "the bull doesn't always lose."
jinn's king
23-03-2008, 17:19
HI every one this is my aidy (gift) to you all
i wish you a good new year hope you be near forever dear ,adversity becomes rare but prosperity becomes more and more and you never get sore
this is a potpourri of real hilarious jokes
enjoy!
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait, someone else is using it."
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
* * *
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the elevator?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
* * *
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries
* * *
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Girl: "My homework."
* * *
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
* * *
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
* * *
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
* * *
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
* * *
Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."
* * *
Customer: "Give me a hot dog."
Waiter: "With pleasure."
Customer: "No, with mustard."
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ammonia.
Ammonia who?
(Sings) Ammonia poor little sparrow.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
* * *
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
* * *
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* * *
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"
Woman: "A billionaire."
* * *
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
* * *
The seven-year old girl told her mom "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
* * *
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
* * *
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.
* * *
A blonde's response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don't have to think, I'm blonde!"
* * *
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
* * *
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
* * *
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
i am a killer i kill people for money but cos you are my friend i kill you for nothing
have a good time
happy new year!
file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpg
i wish you a good new year hope you be near forever dear ,adversity becomes rare but prosperity becomes more and more and you never get sore
this is a potpourri of real hilarious jokes
enjoy!
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait, someone else is using it."
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
* * *
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the elevator?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
* * *
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries
* * *
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Girl: "My homework."
* * *
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
* * *
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
* * *
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
* * *
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
* * *
Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."
* * *
Customer: "Give me a hot dog."
Waiter: "With pleasure."
Customer: "No, with mustard."
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ammonia.
Ammonia who?
(Sings) Ammonia poor little sparrow.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
* * *
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
* * *
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* * *
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"
Woman: "A billionaire."
* * *
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
* * *
The seven-year old girl told her mom "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
* * *
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
* * *
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.
* * *
A blonde's response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don't have to think, I'm blonde!"
* * *
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
* * *
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
* * *
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
i am a killer i kill people for money but cos you are my friend i kill you for nothing
have a good time
happy new year!
file:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpgfile:///C:/Documents%20and%20Settings/Dear-User/Desktop/Presentati.jpg
jinn's king
23-03-2008, 17:26
Hi every one this is my aidy (gift) to you all
i wish you a good new year hope you be near forever dear ,adversity becomes rare but prosperity becomes more and more and you never get sore
this is a potpourri of real hilarious jokes
enjoy!
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait, someone else is using it."
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
* * *
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the elevator?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
* * *
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries
* * *
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Girl: "My homework."
* * *
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
* * *
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
* * *
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
* * *
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
* * *
Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."
* * *
Customer: "Give me a hot dog."
Waiter: "With pleasure."
Customer: "No, with mustard."
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ammonia.
Ammonia who?
(Sings) Ammonia poor little sparrow.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
* * *
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
* * *
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* * *
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"
Woman: "A billionaire."
* * *
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
* * *
The seven-year old girl told her mom "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
* * *
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
* * *
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.
* * *
A blonde's response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don't have to think, I'm blonde!"
* * *
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
* * *
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
* * *
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
i am a killer i kill people for money but cos you are my friend i kill you for nothing
have a good time
happy new year
i duno y ?!!!however excuse me
i wish you a good new year hope you be near forever dear ,adversity becomes rare but prosperity becomes more and more and you never get sore
this is a potpourri of real hilarious jokes
enjoy!
"Room Service? Can you send up a towel?"
"Please wait, someone else is using it."
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
A: "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses
A: Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.
* * *
Q: What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
A: "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"
* * *
Q: How do you know Tarzan is in the elevator?
A: You can hear Tarzan scream OYOYOYOIYOIYOOOOOO
* * *
Q: How did Tarzan die?
A: Picking cherries
* * *
Girl: "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
Mother: "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Girl: "My homework."
* * *
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother: "What did you learn today?"
Kid: "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
* * *
Boy: "I got an F in arithmetic."
Father: "Why?"
Boy: "The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' and I said '6'"
Father: "But that's right!"
Boy: "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
Father: "What's the fucking difference?"
Boy: "That's exactly what I said!"
* * *
Teacher: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Boy: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."
* * *
Teacher: "You know you can't sleep in my class."
Boy: "I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could."
* * *
Teacher: "How do you spell "dog"?"
Boy: "D, o, g, enter."
* * *
Customer: "Give me a hot dog."
Waiter: "With pleasure."
Customer: "No, with mustard."
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ammonia.
Ammonia who?
(Sings) Ammonia poor little sparrow.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Fanny.
Fanny who?
Fanny the way you keep saying 'Whos there' every time I knock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's There?
A midget who cant reach the doorbell.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Harry.
Harry who?
Harry up and let me in!
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
There's no need to cry, it's only a joke.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Madam.
Madam who?
Madam key broke in the lock.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you.
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Mister.
Mister who?
* * *
Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Ivor.
Ivor who?
Ivor sore hand from knocking so much.
* * *
After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."
* * *
A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted". Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
* * *
A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire."
Friend: "And what was he before you married him?"
Woman: "A billionaire."
* * *
The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
* * *
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
* * *
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
* * *
The seven-year old girl told her mom "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
* * *
A system programmer came home from work almost at dawn and told his wife enthusiastically: "Tonight I have installed a new release of MVS/ESA together with VM/CMS and CICS/VS".
"G.O.O.D" answered his wife.
* * *
Once a programmer drowned in the sea. Many Marines where at that time on the beach, but the programmer was shouting "F1!!! F1!!!" and nobody understood it.
* * *
A blonde's response to the comment "Think about it!" - "I don't have to think, I'm blonde!"
* * *
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!" To this the other blonde replied "I know it and if I knew how to swim I'd go out there and drown her."
* * *
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: "Do you know where you were going?"
Blonde: "No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving."
* * *
There's two fish in a tank, one says to the other "Do you know how to drive this?"
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you bastard".
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
Smart Man + Smart Woman = Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profits
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
i am a killer i kill people for money but cos you are my friend i kill you for nothing
have a good time
happy new year
i duno y ?!!!however excuse me
mndst
23-03-2008, 17:43
نباید عکس هارو از روی کامپیوترتون اضافه میکردین. اول باید روی اینترنت Up کنین.
You cant link directly to the picture on your physical drive. Images should be uploaded first.
You cant link directly to the picture on your physical drive. Images should be uploaded first.
Greight
23-03-2008, 23:25
One day a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass". The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can''t afford a thing to eat."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
So the layer said, "Poor guy, come back to my house."
The guys then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The lawyer told him to bring them along.
When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you."
The layer said, "You''re going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall."
Greight
27-03-2008, 23:53
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?" Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'." She said, "No, I'm not a widow!" And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
Greight
30-03-2008, 23:27
Three women are about to be executed. One''s a brunette, one''s a redhead, and one''s a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim
" Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim "
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim "
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim "
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim "
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Greight
10-04-2008, 22:33
One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary
!!
!
Dear Boss
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $hah
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] :
Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean
:20::27:
!!
!
Dear Boss
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $hah
The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] :
Dear NOrman
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean
:20::27:
Greight
10-04-2008, 22:38
School Jokes
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back there tomorrow?
Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb "to sing"?
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER: " Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Student: Sir, what is an idiot?
Teacher: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Student: No.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk...
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run...
S1: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
S2: Really? What was it?
S1: Eggs.
S2: No, that was yesterday!
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself!
Teacher: What are some products of the North of Iran?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get tea from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor
Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back there tomorrow?
Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb "to sing"?
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER: " Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."
A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
Teacher: What are you waiting for?
Student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!
Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!
Student: Sir, what is an idiot?
Teacher: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Student: No.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.
Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.
Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions?
Student: Well...yes and no.
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk...
The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run...
S1: Look at your face I know what you had for breakfast
S2: Really? What was it?
S1: Eggs.
S2: No, that was yesterday!
Teacher: Did you father help you with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself!
Teacher: What are some products of the North of Iran?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get tea from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor
Greight
10-04-2008, 22:41
Teacher: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me.
Teacher: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born!
معلم: پدرت چند سالشه؟
پسر بچه: همسن خودم.
معلم: چطور چنين چيزی ممکنه؟
پسر: همينکه من به دنيا اومدم، اون هم پدر شد!
Teacher: Kumar, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Kumar: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
معلم: کومار، انشائی که درباره "سگ من" نوشتی دقيقا مثل انشاء برادرته. از روی اون نوشتی؟
کومار: نه آقا، هر دو درباره يک سگ نوشتيم!
Girl: "Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
Mother: "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"
Girl: "She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
دختربچه: مامان، معلممون امروز ازم پرسيد خواهر يا برادر ديگه ای ندارم که بخواد مدرسه بياد.
مادر: معلوم ميشه خيلی مهربونه که همچين علاقه ای نشون ميده. خب وقتی بهش گفتی تنها بچه ما هستی، چی گفت؟
دختر: فقط گفت: «خدا رو شکر!»
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Student: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Student: "No hair, Sir."
معلم: تو چرا هيچوقت موهات رو شونه نميکنی؟
شاگرد: شونه ندارم، آقا.
مغلم: خوب از شونه پدرت استفاده کن.
شاگرد: مو نداره، آقا!
Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How?
Student: Ladies first.
معلم: اين جمله را درست کن: «گاو نر و گاو ماده در حال چريدن در مرتع است.»
شاگرد: گاو ماده و گاو نر در حال چريدن در مرتع است.
معلم: چطور؟
شاگرد: خانمها مقدمند!
TEACHER: John, go to the map and find North America.
John: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: John!
معلم: جان، برو روی نقشه، آمريکای شمالی رو پيدا کن.
جان: اينجاست!
معلم: درسته! بچه ها، حالا شما بگيد چه کسی آمريکا رو کشف کرد؟
بچه ها: جان!
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
John: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
معلم: جرج واشينگتون نه تنها درخت گيلاس پدرش رو قطع کرد، بلکه به اين کار اعتراف هم کرد. حالا، کسی ميدونه که چرا پدرش اون رو تنبيه نکرد؟
جان: چون تبر هنوز توی دستش بود؟!
TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
John: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
معلم: عجب جورابهای عجيب و غريبی پوشيدی! يکيش سبزه، يکی هم آبی با خالهای قرمز!
جان: بله، واقعا خيلی عجيبه. يک جفت هم دقيقا مثل همينها توی خونه دارم!
TEACHER: Now, John, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
John: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
معلم: خوب، جان، صادقانه بگو، قبل از غذا خوردن دعا ميکنی؟
جان: نه آقا، لازم نيست، مامانم آشپز خوبيه!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
John: A Teacher.
معلم: به کسيکه ميبينه ديگران علاقه ای به حرفاش ندارن ولی باز هم حرف ميزنه، چی ميگن؟
جان: معلم!!!
Boy: As old as me.
Teacher: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born!
معلم: پدرت چند سالشه؟
پسر بچه: همسن خودم.
معلم: چطور چنين چيزی ممکنه؟
پسر: همينکه من به دنيا اومدم، اون هم پدر شد!
Teacher: Kumar, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Kumar: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
معلم: کومار، انشائی که درباره "سگ من" نوشتی دقيقا مثل انشاء برادرته. از روی اون نوشتی؟
کومار: نه آقا، هر دو درباره يک سگ نوشتيم!
Girl: "Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."
Mother: "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her you are the only child?"
Girl: "She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"
دختربچه: مامان، معلممون امروز ازم پرسيد خواهر يا برادر ديگه ای ندارم که بخواد مدرسه بياد.
مادر: معلوم ميشه خيلی مهربونه که همچين علاقه ای نشون ميده. خب وقتی بهش گفتی تنها بچه ما هستی، چی گفت؟
دختر: فقط گفت: «خدا رو شکر!»
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Student: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Student: "No hair, Sir."
معلم: تو چرا هيچوقت موهات رو شونه نميکنی؟
شاگرد: شونه ندارم، آقا.
مغلم: خوب از شونه پدرت استفاده کن.
شاگرد: مو نداره، آقا!
Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How?
Student: Ladies first.
معلم: اين جمله را درست کن: «گاو نر و گاو ماده در حال چريدن در مرتع است.»
شاگرد: گاو ماده و گاو نر در حال چريدن در مرتع است.
معلم: چطور؟
شاگرد: خانمها مقدمند!
TEACHER: John, go to the map and find North America.
John: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: John!
معلم: جان، برو روی نقشه، آمريکای شمالی رو پيدا کن.
جان: اينجاست!
معلم: درسته! بچه ها، حالا شما بگيد چه کسی آمريکا رو کشف کرد؟
بچه ها: جان!
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
John: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"
معلم: جرج واشينگتون نه تنها درخت گيلاس پدرش رو قطع کرد، بلکه به اين کار اعتراف هم کرد. حالا، کسی ميدونه که چرا پدرش اون رو تنبيه نکرد؟
جان: چون تبر هنوز توی دستش بود؟!
TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
John: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.
معلم: عجب جورابهای عجيب و غريبی پوشيدی! يکيش سبزه، يکی هم آبی با خالهای قرمز!
جان: بله، واقعا خيلی عجيبه. يک جفت هم دقيقا مثل همينها توی خونه دارم!
TEACHER: Now, John, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
John: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
معلم: خوب، جان، صادقانه بگو، قبل از غذا خوردن دعا ميکنی؟
جان: نه آقا، لازم نيست، مامانم آشپز خوبيه!
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
John: A Teacher.
معلم: به کسيکه ميبينه ديگران علاقه ای به حرفاش ندارن ولی باز هم حرف ميزنه، چی ميگن؟
جان: معلم!!!
Greight
10-04-2008, 23:01
An elderly couple is beginning to notice that neither of them seem to be able to remember things as well as they used to. So, they go to see their doctor, who explains that there is nothing really wrong with, just typical memory loss associated with old age. He suggests that they each get notebooks and write notes to themselves to help remember things. The couple goes home and that evening while watching T.V. the man gets up and heads for the kitchen. His wife asks if he can bring her some ice cream when he returns. He says he will, and she says he should write it down. "I’m just going to the kitchen, I'll remember." "Well, I want that with nuts, too." "O.K. he says ice cream with nuts." She asks again if he's going to write it down. "No, I'm just going to the kitchen." "And a Cherry on the top?" He agrees and turns toward the kitchen again and she asks again about writing it down. Now the old man is angry, "Look, old lady I'm not senile, I can remember ice cream with nuts and a cherry on top." He goes in the kitchen for 10 minutes and when he returns he sets a plate of bacon and eggs in front of his wife. She looks up and says, "Honey, you forgot my toast:27:
mir@
11-04-2008, 11:32
TNX. very funny. But we had a "Jokes" thread once upon a time!
Greight
11-04-2008, 19:16
TNX. very funny. But we had a "Jokes" thread once upon a time!
Ok
Let me consider it as sth different than a joke
as in Persian it is !
Ok
Let me consider it as sth different than a joke
as in Persian it is !
A r c h i
11-04-2008, 22:05
TNX. very funny. But we had a "Jokes" thread once upon a time!
Yes we have a topic for jokes , Thanks @mir:11:l
Ok
Let me consider it as sth different than a joke
as in Persian it is !
Dear Greight,
Sorry I should lock this topic please continue here ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Yes we have a topic for jokes , Thanks @mir:11:l
Ok
Let me consider it as sth different than a joke
as in Persian it is !
Dear Greight,
Sorry I should lock this topic please continue here ([ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ])
Greight
12-04-2008, 00:12
Hey
I had a topic 4 funny answering machine messages
BUT they closed it
I dun know why cuz I did not consider them as JOKES !!
Anyway I continue posting them here:
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
"Hello, this is Dave. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.
It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here's the beep.
Hi, this is Dave. I'm out right now. This means I'm either asleep or not here. I'll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever comes first.
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
"And this is the sound the aliens made..." (BEEP
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"
"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."
"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish."
That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD...
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $9.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"This is the City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone
I had a topic 4 funny answering machine messages
BUT they closed it
I dun know why cuz I did not consider them as JOKES !!
Anyway I continue posting them here:
Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera..."
(Spoken in a granny voice)
"Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot."
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
Hi, this is John's answering machine. He's not here, but I'm open to suggestions.
You have reached 934-2435. We picked this machine up at a garage sale in "as-is" condition. You can try to leave a message on it, but we are not sure it will be recorded. If we don't return your call, it means the machine did not work.
"Hello, this is Dave. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine.
It's time to play "What's Your Business" starring you, the caller. That's right, you get to leave your name and number on this amazing machine! But that's not all, if you leave a brief message and the time that you called, you could win our fabulous Grand Prize, a RETURN CALL! Good luck, and here's the beep.
Hi, this is Dave. I'm out right now. This means I'm either asleep or not here. I'll get back to you when I return or regain consiousness, whichever comes first.
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed me by AT LEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get anything right? You people make me sick! Leave a message and I'll call you back! BEEP.
"And this is the sound the aliens made..." (BEEP
Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done .... {Cachunk!}"
"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."
"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish."
That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD...
(click) "You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of your voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you." (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can talk to my answering machine for only $9.95 per minute! Please leave your credit card number at the tone...
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"This is the City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone
Greight
12-04-2008, 18:49
Yeah every body
BELIEVE ME
THESE ARE JOKES !!!
Cuz my place for funny definitions was closed
Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.
Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
Justice - a decision in your favor.
Paradox - two physicians.
Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.
Flattery - an insult in gift wrapping.
Alimony - the cost of loving.
Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.
Oboe: An ill woodwind that no-one blows good.
BELIEVE ME
THESE ARE JOKES !!!
Cuz my place for funny definitions was closed
Accountant - someone you hire to explain that you didn't make the money you did.
Wedding - a funeral where you smell your own flowers.
Justice - a decision in your favor.
Paradox - two physicians.
Court of law - the place where a suit is pressed and a man can be taken to the cleaners.
Flattery - an insult in gift wrapping.
Alimony - the cost of loving.
Capitalism - the survival of the fattest.
Oboe: An ill woodwind that no-one blows good.
A r c h i
16-04-2008, 22:03
Equations:
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Then, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Human that doesn't enjoy = Donkey that works
************ ********* ********
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Man = Donkey + earn money
Then, Man - earn money = Donkey
In other words,
Man that doesn't earn money = Donkey
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Woman = eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Woman = Donkey + spend
Then, Woman - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman that doesn't spend = Donkey
************ ********* ********* ********* *******
To Conclude:
Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!
Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys!
And the Donkeys lived happily ever after
Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Human = Donkey + work + enjoy
Then, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work
In other words,
Human that doesn't enjoy = Donkey that works
************ ********* ********
Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkeys = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Man = Donkey + earn money
Then, Man - earn money = Donkey
In other words,
Man that doesn't earn money = Donkey
************ ********* ********* ********* ***
Woman = eat + sleep + spend
Donkey = eat + sleep
Therefore,
Woman = Donkey + spend
Then, Woman - spend = Donkey
In other words,
Woman that doesn't spend = Donkey
************ ********* ********* ********* *******
To Conclude:
Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys!
Women spend not to let men become Donkeys!
Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys!
And the Donkeys lived happily ever after
A r c h i
21-04-2008, 22:17
A semester in university or college.
very New semester:I
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After 1st week:
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After the 2nd week:
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Before the mid-term test:
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After the mid-term test:
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Before the final exam
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Once get to know the final exam schedule:
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7 days before the final exam:
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l
6days before the final exam:
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5 days before the final exam:
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4 days before the final exam:
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3 days before the final exam:
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2 days before the final exam
: [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
1 day before the final exam:
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The night before the final exam:
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1 hour before the final exam
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During the final exam:
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Once walk out from the examination hall:
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After the final exam, during the holiday:
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That's college!!l
very New semester:I
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After 1st week:
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After the 2nd week:
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Before the mid-term test:
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During the mid-term test:
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After the mid-term test:
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Before the final exam
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
Once get to know the final exam schedule:
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7 days before the final exam:
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l
6days before the final exam:
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5 days before the final exam:
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4 days before the final exam:
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3 days before the final exam:
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2 days before the final exam
: [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
1 day before the final exam:
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The night before the final exam:
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1 hour before the final exam
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During the final exam:
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
Once walk out from the examination hall:
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After the final exam, during the holiday:
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That's college!!l
mir@
22-04-2008, 07:40
funny :31:
very New semester:I
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Before the final exam
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1 hour before the final exam
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Once walk out from the examination hall:
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After the final exam, during the holiday:
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That's college!! l
Dear Azadeh,
You cannot put the address of an image from your mail inbox in the [IMG] tag
:27:
very New semester:I
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After the 2nd week:
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Before the mid-term test:
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During the mid-term test:
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After the mid-term test:
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Before the final exam
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Once get to know the final exam schedule:
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7 days before the final exam:
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6 days before the final exam:
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5 days before the final exam:
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2 days before the final exam
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1 day before the final exam:
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The night before the final exam:
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1 hour before the final exam
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During the final exam:
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Once walk out from the examination hall:
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After the final exam, during the holiday:
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That's college!! l
Dear Azadeh,
You cannot put the address of an image from your mail inbox in the [IMG] tag
:27:
A r c h i
22-04-2008, 14:47
Dear Azadeh,
You cannot put the address of an image from your mail inbox in the [IMG] tag
:27:
Thanks @mir,
I uploaded the pics some where else :31:l
You cannot put the address of an image from your mail inbox in the [IMG] tag
:27:
Thanks @mir,
I uploaded the pics some where else :31:l
mir@
22-04-2008, 15:30
Thanks @mir,
I uploaded the pics some where else :31:l
It must have been a tedious task! Many thanks Azi.
So much funny
I uploaded the pics some where else :31:l
It must have been a tedious task! Many thanks Azi.
So much funny
c0dest0rm
26-04-2008, 11:46
Before Marriage:
He: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After Marriage:
Now read this from bottom to top.:27:
:39::39:
He: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: NO! Don’t even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: NO! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get!
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After Marriage:
Now read this from bottom to top.:27:
:39::39:
unartig
01-06-2008, 15:44
Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Wom an: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: I can't get you out of my mind.
Women: You are out of your mind.
Man: You are my baby.
Women: Right, You are old enough to be by grand dad.
Man: You took my breath away.
Women: How come you're still breathing.
Man: You took my breath away.
Women: Impossible since you have bad breath.
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Wom an: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: I can't get you out of my mind.
Women: You are out of your mind.
Man: You are my baby.
Women: Right, You are old enough to be by grand dad.
Man: You took my breath away.
Women: How come you're still breathing.
Man: You took my breath away.
Women: Impossible since you have bad breath.
Antonio Andolini
12-06-2008, 01:56
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
BARACK OBAMA: CHANGE! The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. JEREMIAH (NOT-SO) WRIGHT:
Because it is a white American Chicken, infected with AIDS, crossing the road to repress and exploit the black man and possibly to blow up the World Trade Towers . America 's chickens are coming home to roost. That's scriptural. It's in the Bible!!
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
Source:CTH
BARACK OBAMA: CHANGE! The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure -- right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. JEREMIAH (NOT-SO) WRIGHT:
Because it is a white American Chicken, infected with AIDS, crossing the road to repress and exploit the black man and possibly to blow up the World Trade Towers . America 's chickens are coming home to roost. That's scriptural. It's in the Bible!!
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.
ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY:
Where's my gun?
AL SHARPTON:
Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens
Source:CTH
A r c h i
15-06-2008, 09:39
Interviewer: what s ur qualification? Akbar : Sir I am Ph.d. Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d? Akbar : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY
Antonio Andolini
15-06-2008, 11:00
Originally posted by tramtwo on October 15th, 2000 ~ worth a repost, in CTH though:
After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the
students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would be returned.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?"
The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
:27::27:
After nearly forty years in practice as a gynecologist, John decided he had enough money to retire and take up his real love, auto mechanics. He left his practice, enrolled in auto mechanics school, and studied hard. The day of the final exam came and John worried if he would be able to complete the test with the same proficiency as his younger classmates. Most of the
students completed their exam in two hours. John, on the other hand, took the entire four hours allotted. John tossed and turned in bed that night, dreading the next morning when the exam scores would be returned.
The following day, John was delighted and surprised to see a score of 150% for his exam. John spoke to his professor after class. "I never dreamed I could do this well on the exam. But tell me, how did I earn a score of 150%?"
The professor replied, "I gave you 50% for perfectly disassembling the car engine. I awarded another 50% for perfectly reassembling the engine. I gave you an additional 50% for having done all of it through the muffler."
:27::27:
Antonio Andolini
22-06-2008, 14:35
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini," replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing.
He hands it back to her and says, "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
Antonio Andolini
22-06-2008, 14:36
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
c0dest0rm
27-06-2008, 09:42
One day Kuttappan's dad bought a robot.
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Kuttappan answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and
slapped
Kuttappan on his face.
His dad told him "Mone (son), This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments",
Splatt
Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie SE* Queen."
Dad :"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt
, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all he is your son.......", to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappan's mother's face.
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the person who lied on the face.
Kuttappan returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Kuttappan answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and
slapped
Kuttappan on his face.
His dad told him "Mone (son), This robot is special in that he can detect a lie and will then slap the person who lied now come on tell me the truth, Why are you late?"
"Dad I went for a movie", " Which movie?" "The Ten Commandments",
Splatt
Kuttappan got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"No dad honest I went for the movie SE* Queen."
Dad :"Shame on you son when I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt
, the dad gets a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Kuttappans mother comes walking out of the kitchen saying,
"After all he is your son.......", to which the robot steps up and gives a resounding slap on Kuttappan's mother's face.
A r c h i
22-08-2008, 21:33
Two friends, Sam and Mike, were riding on a bus. Suddenly the bus stopped and bandits got on. The bandits began robbing the passengers. They were taking the passengers’ jewelry and watches. They were taking all their money, too.
Sam opened his wallet and took out twenty dollars. He gave the twenty dollars to Mike.
“Why are you giving me this money?” Mike asked.
“Last week I didn’t have any money, and you loaned me twenty dollars, remember?” Sam said.
“Yes, I remember,” Mike said.
“I’m paying you back,” Sam said.
Sam opened his wallet and took out twenty dollars. He gave the twenty dollars to Mike.
“Why are you giving me this money?” Mike asked.
“Last week I didn’t have any money, and you loaned me twenty dollars, remember?” Sam said.
“Yes, I remember,” Mike said.
“I’m paying you back,” Sam said.
A r c h i
22-08-2008, 21:37
The woman patient was returning from the dentist’s office after her third successive attempt to have a tooth extracted. Each time she had just lost her nerve after being seated in the chair and had returned home, the tooth still intact.
After making the fourth engagement with the dentist the man said to his assistant, “When she is seated in the chair and I get my forceps on the tooth and glance at you, you give her a hypodermic in the hip.”
The operation went as planned, the shot was given and the tooth out.
“Now, said the dentist, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” but was astonished at her reply “No, but I never dreamed the roots went down that far!”
After making the fourth engagement with the dentist the man said to his assistant, “When she is seated in the chair and I get my forceps on the tooth and glance at you, you give her a hypodermic in the hip.”
The operation went as planned, the shot was given and the tooth out.
“Now, said the dentist, “That wasn’t so bad, was it?” but was astonished at her reply “No, but I never dreamed the roots went down that far!”
A r c h i
22-08-2008, 21:39
Walking up to a department store’s fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, “I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?”
“Only one kiss per meter,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten meters.”
The clerk measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl grabbed the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.:27:l
“Only one kiss per meter,” replied the smirking male clerk.
“That’s fine,” replied the girl. “I’ll take ten meters.”
The clerk measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.
The girl grabbed the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. “Grandpa will pay the bill,” she smiled.:27:l
feri mankan
14-09-2008, 14:22
When there is a will,there is a way. There is no way when there isn't any destinations.
feri mankan
14-09-2008, 14:26
Nobody wants you,nobody makes you happy,nobody wants good things for you,nobody loves you.don't cry!My name is Nobody.
feri mankan
14-09-2008, 14:28
Live and smile.For the people who live for your smile.
feri mankan
14-09-2008, 14:56
We spent the moments to get to the best life.We didn't know that the best life was the moments we spent.
DR.SHARIATI
DR.SHARIATI
feri mankan
14-09-2008, 14:59
The people asked a man:Say a sentence to make us sad when we are happy and make us happy when we are sad.He answered:This will be spent,too.
feri mankan
14-09-2008, 15:08
Someone who is not polite,doesn't have wisdom.
The best among people is the one who benefits others.
Those who are nearest to God are they who are first to say hello.
The best among people is the one who benefits others.
Those who are nearest to God are they who are first to say hello.
seymour
14-09-2008, 22:36
these are Jokes ... ha ? [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] better not be ..
Narsis_E
03-11-2008, 16:01
these are Jokes ... ha ? [ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ] better not be ..
Exactly..:31:ll
Exactly..:31:ll
Narsis_E
03-11-2008, 16:10
You might be familiar with the story of Mr. Kordan, the interior minister, who “had claimed that he held
an honorary PhD from Oxford University. However, after a probe by the Majlis research committee it was revealed that his degree was bogus.
:This is the joke regarding him
Although his honorary Ph.D. was rejected, he found a place in Oxford University:
- Kordanize /‘k?rd?naiz/ (v.) [past tense: Kordanized / past participle: Kordanized (1): To get Ph.D without having B.Sc.
(2): To become an important person (e.g. minister) by presenting fake certificate or documents
- Kordanification( n.) l
(1): The process of receiving fake degree, especially from a prestigious university (e.g. Oxford)
(2): The relationship between happiness and telling a big lie.
(3): A method in order to gain Self confidence.
- Kordanism(n. )l
(1): The philosophy and strategy of telling lie to a large group of people (e.g. a nation)l
(2): A psychological method for deceiving people and laughing simultaneously.
- Kordanic(adj. ) l
(1): Happy
(2): Self Confident
(3): Relaxed
- Kordanicly(adv. ) l
(1): In a Kordanic manner.
an honorary PhD from Oxford University. However, after a probe by the Majlis research committee it was revealed that his degree was bogus.
:This is the joke regarding him
Although his honorary Ph.D. was rejected, he found a place in Oxford University:
- Kordanize /‘k?rd?naiz/ (v.) [past tense: Kordanized / past participle: Kordanized (1): To get Ph.D without having B.Sc.
(2): To become an important person (e.g. minister) by presenting fake certificate or documents
- Kordanification( n.) l
(1): The process of receiving fake degree, especially from a prestigious university (e.g. Oxford)
(2): The relationship between happiness and telling a big lie.
(3): A method in order to gain Self confidence.
- Kordanism(n. )l
(1): The philosophy and strategy of telling lie to a large group of people (e.g. a nation)l
(2): A psychological method for deceiving people and laughing simultaneously.
- Kordanic(adj. ) l
(1): Happy
(2): Self Confident
(3): Relaxed
- Kordanicly(adv. ) l
(1): In a Kordanic manner.
Narsis_E
06-11-2008, 20:15
An Israeli doctor says 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way
behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in
the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking
for work.'
And what will an Iranian doctor say ?!:46:l
can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one
person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four
weeks.
The Russian doctor says 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that
we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and
have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says 'You guys are way
behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in
the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking
for work.'
And what will an Iranian doctor say ?!:46:l
AAKOJ
10-11-2008, 22:46
A man was fishing and he caught a crocodile. The crocodile told him, "Please let me go. I'll grant you any wish you desire." The man said, "Okay. I wish my 'old man' could nearly touch the floor." .. the crocodile bit off his legs.
AAKOJ
10-11-2008, 22:53
Is Windows a Virus
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug:.
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
So Windows is not a virus.
It's a bug:.
AAKOJ
17-11-2008, 00:43
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!
m007007
19-12-2008, 00:57
A guy phones up his Boss, but gets the bosses' wife instead:
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
. . . . . . . . . . .
.
.
.
he replied laughing, "Coz . . ." "I just love hearing it. . . ."
"I'm afraid he died last week." she explains.
The next day the man calls again and asks for the boss.
"I told you" the wife replies, "he died last week."
The next day he calls again and once more asks to speak to his boss. By this time the wife is getting upset and shouts:
"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU TWICE, MY HUSBAND, YOUR BOSS, DIED LAST WEEK! WHY DO YOU KEEP CALLING?"
. . . . . . . . . . .
.
.
.
he replied laughing, "Coz . . ." "I just love hearing it. . . ."
m007007
19-12-2008, 00:57
"POOR BOYS!"
When a Girl Cries ------------The World "Consoles" her
But when a boy cries ---------- They say Come on man don't be A "Girl"
If A Girl slaps a Boy ----------- Definitely the Boy would have "done something"
If Boy Slaps a girl -------------- Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"
If a Girl is talking to Boys ----- She is "Very Friendly"
If a Boy talks to a Girl ---------- He is "flirting"
If a Girl meets with accident -------------------- Then its "mistake of others"
If a Boy meets with same accident -----------?- --?------ "Don't you know how to Drive"
What A World Is this
Please help me GOd
When a Girl Cries ------------The World "Consoles" her
But when a boy cries ---------- They say Come on man don't be A "Girl"
If A Girl slaps a Boy ----------- Definitely the Boy would have "done something"
If Boy Slaps a girl -------------- Rascal doesn't know how to "Respect Ladies"
If a Girl is talking to Boys ----- She is "Very Friendly"
If a Boy talks to a Girl ---------- He is "flirting"
If a Girl meets with accident -------------------- Then its "mistake of others"
If a Boy meets with same accident -----------?- --?------ "Don't you know how to Drive"
What A World Is this
Please help me GOd
m007007
19-12-2008, 00:58
21st Century....
We are becoming lesser by the day
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very Very less
We are becoming lesser by the day
Our communication - Wireless
Our dress - Topless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our food - Fatless
Our labour - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Very Very less
m007007
19-12-2008, 00:59
Money Isn't Everything
-------
IF U THINK SOOOOOOOOO
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
-------
IF U THINK SOOOOOOOOO
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
olinda
31-12-2008, 12:48
> Subject: MELTDOWN JOKES
>
>
>>
>>
>> 1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
>> building standing. It's called the stock market - Jay Leno
>>
>> 2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being
>> called Wall Mart Street - Jay Leno
>>
>> 3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
>> pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
>>
>> 4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas
>> and an investment banker? A tie!
>>
>> 5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
>> side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
>>
>> 6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if
>> you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't
>> fall for it - Jay Leno
>>
>> 7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite
>> candy bar - Jay Leno
>>
>> 8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
>> thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
>>
>> 9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
>> San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
>> General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno
>>
>> 10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my
>> cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether
>> that refers to mine or the bank's
>
>
>>
>>
>> 1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the
>> building standing. It's called the stock market - Jay Leno
>>
>> 2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being
>> called Wall Mart Street - Jay Leno
>>
>> 3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The
>> pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
>>
>> 4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas
>> and an investment banker? A tie!
>>
>> 5. The problem with investment bank balance sheet is that on the left
>> side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
>>
>> 6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if
>> you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't
>> fall for it - Jay Leno
>>
>> 7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favorite
>> candy bar - Jay Leno
>>
>> 8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even
>> thicker. They had to include pictures - Jay Leno
>>
>> 9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in
>> San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors,
>> General Electric and Century 21 - Jay Leno
>>
>> 10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my
>> cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether
>> that refers to mine or the bank's
C. Breezy
21-01-2009, 20:06
دستتون درد نکنه ... خیلی قشنگه ... بیشترشون جنبه نگرش به بدبختی هامون رو دارن ، ولی خیلی جالبن ... خسته نباشین
C. Breezy
18-02-2009, 20:30
I find a good one :31:
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
A very rich lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn't donate even a cent to a charity.
"First of all", says the lawyer, "my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it's not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister's husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children..."
"I'm terribly sorry", says the United Way man, "I feel bad about asking for money."
The Lawyer responds, "Yeah, well if I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"
C. Breezy
18-02-2009, 20:36
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George !
*********************************************
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didnt have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
*********************************************
TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, Im Billy Anderson.
*********************************************
TEACHER: Didnt you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didnt I promise to punish you if you didnt?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I dont expect you to keep yours.
*********************************************
HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didnt do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didnt do my homework.
*********************************************
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.
*********************************************
TEACHER: I hope I didnt see you looking at Dons paper.
JOHN: I hope you didnt either.
_______________________
weren't they Great ... they were best Jenglish Jokes i have ever Heard ( or read! )
... :31:
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George !
*********************************************
TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didnt have ten years ago.
WILLY: Me!
*********************************************
TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?
BILLY: No, Im Billy Anderson.
*********************************************
TEACHER: Didnt you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didnt I promise to punish you if you didnt?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I dont expect you to keep yours.
*********************************************
HAROLD:Teacher, would you punish me for something I didnt do?
TEACHER: Of course not.
HAROLD: Good, because I didnt do my homework.
*********************************************
TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, School Ahead, Go Slow.
*********************************************
TEACHER: I hope I didnt see you looking at Dons paper.
JOHN: I hope you didnt either.
_______________________
weren't they Great ... they were best Jenglish Jokes i have ever Heard ( or read! )
... :31:
summoning
18-02-2009, 22:50
Two factory workers are talking.
The first man says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The second man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The first man says, "Just wait and see." He then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The firstman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
he says ok and then go.
The second man starts to follow him and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
The first man says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The second man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The first man says, "Just wait and see." He then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The firstman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
he says ok and then go.
The second man starts to follow him and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
jimia
23-02-2009, 13:10
hay there. This one is originally told about American former president G.W.bush and its pretty old but i didn't find it in this topic, so i write it. :20:
One day George Bush went to a doctor, and the doctor examined his brain and then the doctor told him:"Mr.President, you-like anyother normal person- have tow brains- a left brain and a right brain. The problem is that in your left brain there's nothing right and in your right brain there's nothing left.
One day George Bush went to a doctor, and the doctor examined his brain and then the doctor told him:"Mr.President, you-like anyother normal person- have tow brains- a left brain and a right brain. The problem is that in your left brain there's nothing right and in your right brain there's nothing left.
محمد88
27-02-2009, 14:30
?A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father
B: I'm not. I'm her mother
:27:
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father
B: I'm not. I'm her mother
:27:
jimia
01-03-2009, 14:25
Few Funny Definitions
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes
School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes
محمد88
01-03-2009, 16:00
Officer: You were speeding
Man: No, I wasn't
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket
Man: But I wasn't speeding
(Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk
Officer: Yes, you would
Man: What if I just thought that you were
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk
Man: No, I wasn't
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket
Man: But I wasn't speeding
(Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk
Officer: Yes, you would
Man: What if I just thought that you were
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk
محمد88
03-03-2009, 08:41
.Fred is 32 years old and he is still single
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much
?"The friend said, "Then what's the problem
."Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women that I have wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much
?"The friend said, "Then what's the problem
."Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her
محمد88
04-03-2009, 23:36
Homework
.A teacher is talking to a student
?Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework
.Student: No, he did it all by himself
.A teacher is talking to a student
?Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework
.Student: No, he did it all by himself
محمد88
04-03-2009, 23:42
A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything
".The doctor say "Your dog is dead
.The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist
"?What! $325? How's that possible"
".It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan"
".The doctor say "Your dog is dead
.The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill
"That'll be $325" says the receptionist
"?What! $325? How's that possible"
".It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan"
محمد88
04-03-2009, 23:54
.A teacher asked a student to write 55
?Student asked: How
!Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5
.The student wrote 5 and stopped
?teacher: What are you waiting for
!student: I don't know which side to write the other 5
?Student asked: How
!Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5
.The student wrote 5 and stopped
?teacher: What are you waiting for
!student: I don't know which side to write the other 5
محمد88
06-03-2009, 08:38
?Teacher: Why are you late
.Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill
?Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it
!!Student: No. I was standing on it
.Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill
?Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it
!!Student: No. I was standing on it
محمد88
08-03-2009, 17:00
".A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts
"?The doctor asks, "What do you mean
The man says, When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts
".The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger
"?The doctor asks, "What do you mean
The man says, When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts
".The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger
محمد88
09-03-2009, 15:07
!A: I'm in a big trouble
?B: Why is that
!A: I saw a mouse in my house
.B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap
.A: I don't have one
.B: Well then, buy one
.A: Can't afford one
.B: I can give you mine if you want
.A: That sounds good
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap
.A: I don't have any cheese
.B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap
.A: I don't have oil
.B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread
.A: I don't have bread
?!B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house
?B: Why is that
!A: I saw a mouse in my house
.B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap
.A: I don't have one
.B: Well then, buy one
.A: Can't afford one
.B: I can give you mine if you want
.A: That sounds good
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap
.A: I don't have any cheese
.B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap
.A: I don't have oil
.B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread
.A: I don't have bread
?!B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house
brain
12-03-2009, 17:41
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian,
spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub.
One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three.
The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door.
The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it
spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub.
One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three.
The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door.
The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it
محمد88
17-03-2009, 09:03
?Son: Dad, what is an idiot
?? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me
!!Son: No
?? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me
!!Son: No
afsane b
14-04-2009, 11:19
Teacher: How old is your father
Boy: As old as me
Teacher: How can that be
Boy: He became a father only when I was born:31:
Boy: As old as me
Teacher: How can that be
Boy: He became a father only when I was born:31:
afsane b
14-04-2009, 11:20
Teacher: Kumar, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his
Kumar: No, teacher, it's the same dog
Kumar: No, teacher, it's the same dog
afsane b
14-04-2009, 11:25
Girl: "Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school"
Mother: "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her you are the only child"
Girl: "She just said, 'Thank goodness'"
Mother: "That's nice of her to take such an interest. What did she say when you told her you are the only child"
Girl: "She just said, 'Thank goodness'"
afsane b
14-04-2009, 11:28
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested
John: A Teacher
John: A Teacher
afsane b
14-04-2009, 11:31
Teacher: Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How
Student: Ladies first
Student: A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher: How
Student: Ladies first
afsane b
14-04-2009, 11:56
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him
John: "Because George still had the axe in his hand
John: "Because George still had the axe in his hand
afsane b
14-04-2009, 11:58
TEACHER: John, go to the map and find North America
John: Here it is
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America
CLASS: John
John: Here it is
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America
CLASS: John
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:37
A man comes into a pub, sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bar keeper brings him his beer. After he has drunk it, he grabs in his bag and puts a small piano on the bar, grabs in his bag and puts a small chair on the bar and grabs a third time in his bag and sits down a small man on that chair.
And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."
And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"
And the small man plays piano very well, a the most beatyful music they've ever heared. After he's finished, everyone applauds. And the bar keeper asks the man: "Where do you have it from? It's so wonderful."
And the man said: "I own an dgini-lamp. And so I got this by a wish of mine. Hey," he said to the bar keeper, "do you have a wish? You can wish you everything!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:38
"Me?", the bar keeper asks. "I have a wish for free? Coo-ool." Ok, no sooner said than done, the man grabs in his bag and gets out from it the meant lamp. He rubs at the side of the lamp and the dgini appeares: "Ok, budy. You have one wish for free." And the bar keeper says: "I wanna have one million dollars!" The dgini snap one's fingers and disapperes, and all over the bottom are dugs. Small, yellow cackling dugs. And the bar keeper said to the man: "But I wanna have dollars, not dugs." And the man: "Do you really think, I've asked for a 12 inches pianist?"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:38
A priest getting ready to hear confessions duddenly realized that he desparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:39
The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:39
The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:40
The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal ---." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal ---" nor "---, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal ---?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, two twinkies and a glass of milk."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:40
Three friends - Aboriginal, Jew and Australian, spend each night together drinking beer in an outback pub. One night as they're leaving, a road-train comes through the town and kills all three. The next day, the publican is surprised to see the Australian - who assumed dead - walked through the door. The Australian tells him, "Well, we were all killed, but when we got to the pearly gates, St. Peter said we could come back to earth if we pay him $20."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."
"Well, obviously, you paid up, but what happened to your friends?"
"The jew's trying to haggle him down to $10, and the aboriginal is trying to convince him that the government will pay for it."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:41
This little 6 year old girl comes running home all distressed and howling her head off. Her mother, finally gets it out of her between the bawling, that her daughter has been raped. The mother settles the little girl down, enough to get her to the police station, to report this horrible act.
At the police station, the sergent interviewing the little girl, asks as nicely as he can: "Could you please tell me what the nasty man did, so we can get him?"
The little girl sobs "Yeah, I'll try sniff, sniff"
Policeman: "Righto then what's happened?"
Girl: "sob Well I was walking down the street to get mummy some milk. sniff sob When the big nasty man jumped out and grabbed me bawl"
Policeman: "Yes please go on ..."
Girl: "Then sob sob he lifted up my dress howl"
Policeman: "then? ..."
Girl: "He pulled down my pants ... absolutely bawling now ..... no I can't go on ...."
The sergent then stands up from behind the desk wanking himself for dear life and says "WELL F/U/C/K/I/N/G MAKE SOMETHING UP!"
At the police station, the sergent interviewing the little girl, asks as nicely as he can: "Could you please tell me what the nasty man did, so we can get him?"
The little girl sobs "Yeah, I'll try sniff, sniff"
Policeman: "Righto then what's happened?"
Girl: "sob Well I was walking down the street to get mummy some milk. sniff sob When the big nasty man jumped out and grabbed me bawl"
Policeman: "Yes please go on ..."
Girl: "Then sob sob he lifted up my dress howl"
Policeman: "then? ..."
Girl: "He pulled down my pants ... absolutely bawling now ..... no I can't go on ...."
The sergent then stands up from behind the desk wanking himself for dear life and says "WELL F/U/C/K/I/N/G MAKE SOMETHING UP!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:43
A jokes fun club. All the jokes are catalogued and the old members know their numbers. An old member says:
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laugh. One of the old members tells him:
- Colleague, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laugh. One of the old members tells him:
- Colleague, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:44
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have ---.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
“Mother, where do babies come from?”
The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have ---.”
The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.
“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”
“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:44
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:45
Lion Tamer wo unemployed guys are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"
"Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage."
"Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:45
The Other Side Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear.
One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"
"Not now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."
"No way."
"Please. It's urgent."
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.
"Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!"
"Not now! I'm eating."
"Oh come on!" said the rabbit. "It's really important."
"No way."
"Please. It's urgent."
So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.
"Well, rabbit," he panted. "What did you want to tell me?"
"Hey, Teddy," the rabbit began, "look how many berries are on the other side of the river."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:46
Monkey Organization An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
Some monkeys are climbing up, some down.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:46
Living with the Wolf Man The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office. "How was work, dear?" his wife asks.
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
"Listen! I don't want to talk about work!" he shouts.
"Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal?" she asks nicely.
"Listen!" he shouts again. "I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! All right! Is that all right with you? Can I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? Huh?"
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself, "Well, I guess it's that time of the month."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:47
The Hunting Dog Chester and Earl are going hunting. Chester says to Earl, "I'll send my dog out to see if there are any ducks out in the pond. If there aren't any ducks out there, I'm not going hunting."
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
So he sends the dog out to the pond. The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says, "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there."
Earl says, "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?" Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says, "I don't believe it where did you get that dog? There really are only two ducks out there!"
Chester says, "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want, you can get one from him, too."
So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks. Minutes later the dog returns with a stick in it's mouth and starts humping Earl's leg.
Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says, "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"
The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back with a stick in its mouth and started humping his leg.
The breeder says, "Earl, all he was trying to tell you was that there are more fucking ducks out there than you can shake a stick at!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:47
The Mink Coat A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the
shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly
whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.
"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you
show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the
shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly
whispers,
"Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for
$65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.
"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you
show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:48
The Slow Racehorse The racehorse owner was annoyed with the running of his horse at the race.
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
He turned on the jockey.
"Flaherty, could you not have raced faster?"
"Sure I could have, but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:48
Goodbye To Mother A couple were going out for the evening. They'd got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -"Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:49
Got a headache It was a warm, sunny Sunday, so a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.
The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
"That gorilla is getting excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse off and we'll see what he does?"
At first she declined. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took off her blouse and bra.
The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and jumping up and down.
"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all your clothes and we'll see what he does."
Again she said no and again he persuaded her.
This time the ape really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.
The husband went over to the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. "Now," said the husband with an evil smile, "tell HIM you have a headache!"
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:49
Dog Watch Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:50
Bird vs Fly What's the difference between a bird and a fly?
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:50
How'd you want them A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day one of them died of natural causes.
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."
In grief, the second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing what to do with them, she finally decided to take them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.
After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her, "Do you want them mounted?"
Blushing, she said, "No. holding hands will be fine."
M A X I M U M
01-05-2009, 16:51
Jesus and the Robber One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rumagged through the desk.
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
He replied, "Who said that?!"
Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!"
The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius."
The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!"
The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!"
محمد88
05-05-2009, 06:51
? Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom
? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom
! Little Johnny: But I asked first
? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom
! Little Johnny: But I asked first
محمد88
07-05-2009, 09:20
A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."
The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."
m2stech
13-05-2009, 13:50
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
payam
13-05-2009, 13:53
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
محمد88
19-05-2009, 11:52
.A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi
!B: of course, sir. You are a taxi
*****
"You look very funny wearing that belt"
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it"
!B: of course, sir. You are a taxi
*****
"You look very funny wearing that belt"
"I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it"
M O B I N
21-05-2009, 20:31
i think this is funny
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
[ برای مشاهده لینک ، لطفا با نام کاربری خود وارد شوید یا ثبت نام کنید ]
zaqaqi
26-05-2009, 10:19
Doctor: Your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
محمد88
31-05-2009, 07:24
.When I was young I didn't like going to weddings
"My grandmother would tell me, "You're next
!! However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals
"My grandmother would tell me, "You're next
!! However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals
محمد88
11-06-2009, 11:00
.Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room
?"The teacher says, "Why are you arguing
."One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie
You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know
."what a lie was
!! Then the boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher
?"The teacher says, "Why are you arguing
."One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie
You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know
."what a lie was
!! Then the boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher
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